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At mid January, Indiana' grounds were covered in snow. That year, winter had come with cold breezes and low temperatures, a perfect match to the mood that surrounded the Janeway's household. More than six months had passed since the accident but things hadn't returned to their normal state. Gretchen got back to work after the summer break was over and Phoebe began her classes at the university, but Kathryn was another matter.
After her mandatory counseling sessions and her physical recovery, she asked for a six months leave of absence to think about her future. At first, everything seemed to be alright but after a few weeks things began to go badly. She shut herself up in her room and spent her days sleeping. Food, that her mother left everyday on her bedside table, was almost always left untouched. Her mother visited her several times every day, sometimes to bring her food, others to just sit by her side and keep her company for a few minutes. Phoebe also stopped by but her visits weren’t as pleasant as Gretchen’s.
They tried everything they could to help her but Kathryn wasn’t accepting it and that left the two poor women exhausted. Gretchen lived in constant worry, to the point of being afraid to leave her alone at home. She even asked to extend her winter break a couple of weeks longer after living through the disastrous holidays. All the family tried to carry on with tradition as it always had been made: Christmas’ Eve at Martha’s, Christmas lunch in Indiana, as well as New Year’s Eve. Her mother, her sister, her Aunt Martha, her grandmother, even Alynna Nechayev; they all tried to convince her to join the rest of the family but Kathryn only hid herself further in her room and dismissed them with her actions.
Finally, one Friday that she was alone at home while her mother ran a few errands in town, Phoebe decided that she had enough. Her sister’s self-pity was getting to her nerves and she knew she had to do something, immediately. A few days before, she had contacted Will as a last resource to ask for advice but the poor lieutenant was as lost as she was. With all the determination she had, Phoebe got up from her sit on the couch and stomped her way upstairs to Kathryn room. Without knocking, she burst in and began to shake her sister’s shoulder.
“You! Dorkface! It’s time to wake up!” Phoebe said.
Kathryn opened her eyes to look at her and after murmuring “Leave me alone”, she turned around to face the wall and hid herself under the covers.
She felt her blanket flung back and the cold air made her shiver. She tried to reclaim it but her sister threw it to the other side of the room along with her pillows.
“Get up! We have things to do!”
“Go away. I want to sleep.”
Kathryn tried to ignore her and go back to sleep but Phoebe began to tug her night shirt. She smacked her hand away but that made her sister pull harder. Irritation started to run through her veins so she sat up on her bed and stared coldly at her, her death glare at full power.
“Get out of my room, Phoebe. I don’t want you here.”
“Well, I don’t care. Are you gonna get up or do I have to take drastic measures?”
“Leave. Now.”
Phoebe stood there for a few seconds before she turned and left the room. Kathryn breathed deeply, closed her eyes and sank again in her world of oblivion. The next thing she knew, an awful lot of icy water cascaded down on top of her, soaking her and drenching the bed and the surrounding floor.
“What the hell?” Kathryn yelled. “Are you fucking crazy? What are you doing?” She said, angry as hell, while she jumped out of the bed and removed the wet hair off her face.
“You need to snap out of this! Now, your bed is too uncomfortable to sleep so get your ass into the shower and I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”
“Where is Ma?” Kathryn asked.
“In town, running a few errands. She’ll be back any time now so get yourself presentable, come down to have lunch with us and make her day better."
“Phoebe …” She said angrily through her glued together teeth.
“What?” Phoebe shouted. “I’m tired of your self-imposed pity and isolation. Grow up! The universe doesn’t go only around you, you arrogant egoistical bitch! Do you think you are the only one in pain? I lost Daddy too!!! Ma lost her husband! And we are not wallowing in our grief! We are trying to continue with our lives. But you know what?? WE CAN’T!! And it’s your fault!! Mom is so worried about you that she can’t do her own mourning. You had nothing but sympathy from everybody. Now it’s time to stop and begin to live again!”
Phoebe stopped to take a deep breath and took a look to her sister’s face. A row of emotions were displaying through her eyes. Kathryn wasn’t sure of what was she feeling. Indignation? Angriness? Hurt? One thing she was sure: at that moment her only thought was to strangle her sister.
“Run.” Kathryn muttered.
“What?” Phoebe asked, surprised.
“Go away before I kill you.”
Phoebe snorted but, after seeing the murderous look on her sister’s eyes, she began to run.
Gretchen opened the front door and stepped into the house. She went to the kitchen to leave the bags she was carrying on her arms. She was putting away the things she had bought when she heard shouts coming from upstairs. Quickly, she left everything and walked to the stairs. She was about to go up when she saw her youngest daughter running down. She had to jump back to avoid being hit. She turned to look at Phoebe, startled, and jumped back again when Kathryn flew past her. They ended in the kitchen so she ran to see what was going on.
Gretchen stared, astonished, at the scene playing before her eyes. Kathryn was chasing her sister around the kitchen island, both stopping every few steps to breathe and to stare at each other. The scene would had been amusing if it wasn’t that her eldest daughter seemed ready to really strangle her sister.
“What is going on here?” Gretchen dared to ask but neither of them answered her.
“I’ll kill you!” Kathryn loudly muttered.
“Egoist!!” Phoebe yelled.
“Bitch!” Kathryn yelled back.
“Whiny!” Phoebe said before sticking her tongue out.
“Kathryn! Phoebe! ENOUGH!” Gretchen shouted, hoping to end that nonsense.
Phoebe jumped and ran out of the kitchen. Gretchen put herself in the middle of Kathryn’s path, trying to stop her, but her daughter easily circumvented her and continued with her pursuit. She followed them to the living room. After running around the couch with her sister hot on her heels, Phoebe grabbed her coat and opened the front door. For a few seconds they thought that Kathryn wouldn’t follow her dressed in her pajamas and barefoot but when she saw her walking towards her, she turned round and hurried out, nearly colliding with someone. She didn’t acknowledge the man standing stunned on their front porch, she only shouted “Stop her!” while she continued running. Kathryn went after her but a pair of arms encircling her waist made her halt. She tried to break free but the person holding her tightened the arms around her.
“Kitty-Kat, calm down.” Will whispered to her ear.
Kathryn, noticing the familiar voice, turned herself around and hid her face on his shoulder. She sighed in relief and her body began to shiver just as her legs gave up under her. Will caught her before she fell down and held her close to his body. He stroked her hair and murmured soft words to reassure her. His eyes opened in surprise when he felt that she was starting to hyperventilate. Will’s sight found Gretchen’s and he sent her a look of alarm. She quickly joined them and squeezed her daughter’s arm.
“Katie?” She asked but didn’t receive an answer. She looked at Will and pointed to the door. “Help me get her to the couch.”
Will picked Kathryn up and followed Gretchen to the living room. Carefully, he sat down on the couch and leant back with her on his arms, settling her on his lap. Kathryn buried her face on his chest and tried to slow down her breathing but she wasn’t being entirely successful. She attempted to focus her mind at the hands that were gently caressing her back but her thoughts were spinning at ward speed. A few minutes later she felt something covering her and a hand tenderly grabbing her chin, making her turn her head. She stared at her mother’s worried eyes.
“Put this under your tongue.” Gretchen said, handing her a small pill.
Kathryn opened her mouth and her mother did it for her. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe deeply.
“What’s that?” Will asked.
“Old remedy. It dissolves under the tongue and the effect is almost instantaneous. I don’t have any hyposprays here and we needed something. The other option was to call a doctor.” Gretchen explained. “What are you doing here?” She asked, a bit suspicious.
“Phoebe called last week to ask for advice but I couldn’t help her. I had some leave so I decided to take it and come. I’m sorry that I appeared here without a warning but I really wanted to see her.”
"It's fine." She quietly said.
Will and Gretchen focused their attention at Kathryn and saw how, slowly, her breathing rate returned to normal. The front door opened slowly and Phoebe showed her head.
"It's safe?" She asked, grinning at first, but then she saw the scene on the couch and her face changed. "What happened?" She asked, concerned.
Gretchen got up from the couch and pointed to the kitchen.
"Phoebe. Kitchen. Now." She said, irritated.
Phoebe followed her and stood next to the table, waiting for her mother to explain.
"What the hell happened here?"
"Nothing. I only got her out of bed. Mission accomplished. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Wanted? Of course I wanted Kathryn out of her room! But nothing? She almost had a panic attack! What did you tell her?"
"That I was tired of her attitude."
"And why the hell is she soaked and all my house wet?"
"Well ..."
"Phoebe!" Gretchen called out.
"I threw a bucked of water over her." Phoebe said, a bit ashamed under her mother's death glare.
"Well, grab the mop and start cleaning this mess. I'll help Will take Katie upstairs so they can have a shower and then I'll make some lunch."
"Will is here?" She asked, surprised.
"Yes. Now, get busy!"
Phoebe quickly took the mop and ran upstairs. Gretchen returned to the living room and knelt in front of Will and Kathryn. She squeezed her daughter's arm and spoke softly.
"Are you alright, Katie?"
"Yes, Ma. Thanks" Kathryn answered, her voice muffled on Will's chest.
"Come on, let's go upstairs so you can have a nice warm shower. And Will too, you got him all drenched."
"Ok."
With her mother's help, Kathryn got up. Will did the same and put his arm around her waist to stabilize her. Together, they walked upstairs and into Kathryn's room. Phoebe was there but quickly left the room. They entered Kathryn's bathroom and she sat down on the toilet. While Gretchen grabbed some fresh clothes for Kathryn, Will ran downstairs to pick up his bag. He returned to the bathroom and waited by the door.
"Come on, Katie. Get in while I show Will to the guest room. I'll have lunch ready by the time you're done. Today, you're eating with us. Understood?"
"Yes, Ma."
"Perfect. Will, follow me."
"Yes, ma'am."
Fifteen minutes later, Gretchen was on the kitchen making lunch. Will, all cleaned and dry, walked in and went to stand next to her.
"Can I help you with anything, Mrs. Janeway?"
"Everything is under control. Sit down."
Will, a bit scared at the older woman, did as he was told and sat down. Gretchen sat in front of him and stared at him. They sat in silence for a minute before she sat straighter and gently smiled.
"I'd like to ask you a favor."
"Yes?" He asked, unsure.
"Katie isn't well. She's been locked up in her room for the past three months, sleeping all day and barely eating." She began to explain. "At first, I thought it was her way of dealing with everything that had happened but after the first month I saw that she wasn't getting better. I tried to talk to her, Phoebe did, her Aunt Martha, her grandmother, I even called Alynna, but we didn't succeed. I called her counselor and he came by but Katie didn't open the door. I know I have to do something but I'm lost."
"I understand."
"I don't agree with her methods, but at least Phoebe managed to get her out of the bed." She stopped for a second before continuing. "I know we have never been close and I admit it's been mostly my fault. But I need your help."
"What can I do?"
"You are Katie are close, even though you two broke up a year and a half ago. She won't listen to us but, maybe, she'll listen to you."
"I came here to help."
"I'm glad. How much leave do you have?"
"Two weeks."
"Well..." Gretchen hesitated. "Would you like to stay here? Perhaps, together, we can help her."
"I'll do my best, Mrs. Janeway." Will said, smiling.
"Thank you." Gretchen replied, smiling back. "If you're going to stay here, there are a few rules to follow."
"Of course."
"First, call me Gretchen."
"Noted."
"Second, make yourself at home."
"Ok."
"Perfect. Now, get up and help me set the table."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Lunch went smoothly, even with Kathryn ignoring her sister. After the meal, Will called home to explain the situation to his parents and to tell them that he was going to stay in Indiana for the duration of his leave. His mother only asked him to return home to visit for an afternoon.
Kathryn was surprised when Will explained his conversation with her mother, she even smiled a bit when she told him that her mother must had been a bit desperate to suggest that. Will pretended to be offended but, deep inside, was glad that Kathryn had been able to joke about it.
The next few days were spent trying to make everything return to normal. They made Kathryn get up and leave her bed every morning to have a shower and eat breakfast downstairs with them. Then, Will took her out of the house for a walk, sometimes alone, sometimes with the dog. They walked for an hour before they stopped in a café in town. They sat there for another hour, with a good cup of coffee and light conversation. Will never pushed her to talk knowing that she would do it when she was ready. They talked about mundane things, nothing too serious. After lunch with Gretchen, they accompanied her to work at the University and returned home to spend the afternoon alone until Phoebe came back from her classes. They used that time to play cards, watch old movies ... To do something that would keep her mind out of her own grief. Then, they helped Gretchen prepare dinner and clean everything when they finished. After quiet conversation on the living room, they went to bed. Kathryn also began to speak again to her sister, a thing Phoebe was grateful.
One morning, during his second week there, they decided to stay at home. It had snowed again the night before and they preferred to enjoy the warmness of the old fireplace in the house. Will made hot chocolate and they sat on the floor, by the fire, to drink their beverages. After a few minutes of conversation, they fell into a comfortable silence. Finishing her drink, Kathryn left the mug on the floor and snuggled into Will's arms, feeling safe and comfortable.
"I'm glad you're here, Big Guy. I never thanked you, didn't I?"
"You don't have to thank me, Kitty-Kat."
"You've been a great help. I've been so..." She struggled to find the right word. "Out? Absent? Self-absorbed? I don't know. I'm not really sure what I am feeling right now, or what I've been feeling."
"I know." He said, encouraging her to continue.
"At first I thought that I was alright, that I could go on with my life. But as days went by and I really assimilated what had happened, I began to cave in. I only wanted to sleep and to forget that the rest of the world existed. I was so tired ... I know that everybody tried to help but I..." She hesitated. "I felt that I didn't deserve it, sometimes I still do. So I just dismissed them and continued to sink further, and deeper."
"Why didn't you deserve it?"
"Because I survived, and they didn't." She said just as a sob escaped her.
Will let her cry. He knew that she needed to release everything that she had kept inside. He hugged her tightly and didn't let go, even when she finally stopped. After that, they silently continued to observe the fire. A few minutes later, Kathryn raised her head from his chest and removed the tears present on her face. She smiled sadly at him.
"I'm sorry."
"For what? It's okay to cry, Kitty-Kat."
"Maybe, but I don't like it."
"I know." Will said. Then, he hesitated.
"What?" Kathryn asked.
"I wanted to propose something. Just hear me out, ok? It's just a suggestion."
"Shoot."
"You have been through a lot this last year. I know you saw a counselor but I think you should consult with one again." Kathryn tried to interrupt but Will silenced her putting a finger on her lips. "You don't like them, neither do I, but sometimes their help is needed. I'm not an expert but you show a lot of symptoms of depression, Kitty-Kat. It's not a weakness to acknowledge that you need professional help. They know what you are going through and they can help you. You can search for a civilian one if you prefer. It doesn't matter if you find the backing you need."
"I'll think about it." She said, sighing deeply.
"It's all I ask." He replied, smiling.
"There's something else in your mind." Kathryn stated after seeing the look on his face.
"It is but I'll leave it for another day."
"Don't, please. You've never been afraid to talk to me or to express you thoughts. Don't start now."
"Ok. What do you wanna hear first?"
"The easiest thing to solve."
"You must settle whatever is going on with your sister." He stopped, expecting a tantrum, but Kathryn didn't say a thing so he continued. "You're pissed at her, I understand. Her methods weren't very well-chosen but, at the end, they were what made you leave your room and begin your road to recovery. You should thank her."
"Yeah, I should, but I don't know how. Do you think she'll forgive me? She said some hurtful things but she was right. I ignored her, and Ma."
"They love you and they've already forgiven you but you need to take the first step to amend you relationship with them."
"Will you be with me?"
"Always."
That same night, the four of them were eating dinner in the kitchen. Conversation flowed easily between them, even Kathryn participated more than the previous nights. Gretchen was secretly delighted, but kept her thoughts to herself. After clearing the table, they sat together again to enjoy Gretchen's wonderful caramel brownies and a big cup of sweet tea. Before they began a new topic of conversation, Kathryn gathered all her courage and spoke.
"Ma, I've been thinking a lot these last days and there are a couple of things I'd like to talk with you."
Under the table, Will grabbed Kathryn's hand and squeezed it, showing her his support. Gretchen looked at her, expectantly, and with a nod signaled her to continue.
"When I was at the hospital ..." She began, all her emotions present in her voice. "When I was there ... We talked about doing a private ceremony to bury Daddy's ashes at Lake George. I realized, thanks to Big Guy here who pointed it to me, that we never did it. I've been selfish and didn't comprehend that you two also needed your closure and I'm very sorry for that. Maybe, if you are okay with it, we could go there this weekend."
"I'll call your aunt tomorrow morning." Gretchen said, smiling sadly and knowing how hard it had been for her daughter to speak those words.
"The second thing is that ... Well, I'd like you to help me find a good civilian counselor." She said, hesitating a bit.
Gretchen, instead of answering her, got up quickly from her chair, walked around the table and hugged her daughter, relieved after hearing her idea. While embracing her, she looked at Will and mouthed thank you to him. He just smiled and lowered his sight, embarrassed. The tender moment broke when Phoebe jumped out of her chair and left the room. Gretchen tried to go after her but Kathryn stopped her grabbing her arm.
"I'll go." She said while getting up.
After putting on her jacket, Kathryn opened the back door and stepped into the porch. Her sister was sitting on the swing with her legs bent and her arms holding them, her face hidden between her knees. Kathryn slowly approached her sister and stood in front of her.
"Can I sit here?" Kathryn said.
"We're in a free country." Phoebe answered without changing her position on the swing.
Without another word, Kathryn sat next to Phoebe and adopted a similar position.
"Are you mad at me?" Kathryn dared to ask.
"Are you?" Phoebe replied, raising her head to look at her sister.
"I was for a few days but, no, now I am not. I am sorry."
"What?" She exclaimed, surprised.
"Yeah, I am. And for a lot of things. First, I should thank you. You helped me more than you'll ever know, even if I would had preferred another way of doing it." She said, smiling. "What you said hurt me but made me realize how wrong I was. You lost Daddy too, Ma lost her husband ... But I was too focused on my own feelings to notice anything else, and it wasn't fair. You're having a hard time dealing with al of this, too, and my own attitude hasn't helped. So, yes, I am sorry. I'm also sorry for how I've been treating you these last few days. I hope you can forgive me."
Phoebe removed a pair of tears that had fallen from her eyes and, then, threw herself at her sister's arms. Kathryn hugged her, fiercely.
"I missed my sister." Phoebe muttered.
"I missed you too, idiot."
They continued with their long embrace, oblivious of their mother and Will watching them through the kitchen's window and smiling at the view.