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Yamato to Kakashi of the Two Normal Eyes: Kakashi. Can I ask you a question...?
Kakashi to Colleague I Think About Such a Normal Amount: Yes, Tenzō?
Yamato: Did you date Iruka?
Kakashi: Why do u ask?
Yamato: Something Naruto said about going on outings with the two of you. Apparently, you even paid.
Kakashi: We are amicably divorced
Yamato: Elaborate.
Kakashi: The outings are part of our custody arrangement. The ramen is alimony
Yamato: I understand all of these words but not in this order.
Kakashi: What’s not to understand. It’s important to model healthy separation for the kids
Yamato: So you two did date?
Kakashi: No. Next question
Kakashi to Standing Tenzōvation: Come sit here
Yamato to Hatake a Bow: I’ll come find you after. We’re going to get in trouble for texting during jōnin council deliberation again.
Kakashi: I tried talking to u with Anbu hand signals. U said those were too obvious
Yamato: They are too obvious; you should see the message Genma sent me after the last council. Why do I need to sit there anyway?
Kakashi: I want to eat with u today and if I’m not already occupied after we finish I will be caught in a meeting vortex
Yamato: Comes with the new job-title, Rokudaime-sama.
Kakashi: Not until next week, officially. And I didn’t enjoy any part of that sentence.
Yamato: Well, aren’t you emotionally forthright today? It’s refreshing.
Kakashi: Does that mean u will buy lunch?
Yamato: You’re the one who just got a promotion. Hokage’s treat?
Kakashi: I’ll spar u for it
Yamato: You’re on.
Kakashi to Magic Mountain: Soup on your windowsill
Yamato to Lord Sixth Flags: Thank you. You could come in, you know.
Kakashi: U need some rest. Plus I have been assigned a mission to have tea with Hyuga-san 2nite
Yamato: That’s a new one. Who assigned that?
Kakashi: Me. 😔 I’ve been told clan relations are my problem now
Yamato: I can hardly wrap my head around you being a politician.
Kakashi: I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around u nearly getting chakra exhaustion from a spar
Yamato: How many times have YOU gotten chakra exhaustion?
Kakashi: I haven’t kept a count
Yamato: I have. 16.
Kakashi: That’s not bad. 1.4% of missions. Point is that’s what I expect from me, not u
Yamato: Give me a break. I’ve only ever fought you when you had your sharingan. I didn’t account for how much stamina you’d have without it. My hospital check-up was quick and painless.
Kakashi: Easy for u to say, u weren’t awake for the berating when I hauled u in
Yamato: Tsunade-sama or Sakura?
Kakashi: Sakura, thankfully. She still feels bad about hitting me, unlike her shishō
Yamato: Are we in trouble?
Kakashi: Don’t think so. The killing intent stopped after u woke up
Kakashi: Sakura threatened to abandon her post and become a rogue ninja if we ever do it again, but I have a plan for that
Yamato: Do you anticipate Sakura leaving Konoha?
Kakashi: Not really. But after Sasuke I figured the other two should have contingencies, and I kept adding as u and Sai joined
Yamato: Are you saying you have a plan for a scenario where all five other members of our team abandon the village?
Kakashi: Don’t take this the wrong way but I have a 14-step-plan for that scenario
Yamato: Both impressive and concerning.
Kakashi: That’s what they tell me in ninja therapy
Yamato: You have a therapist?
Kakashi: Yeah. Don’t u?
Yamato: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve never been more attracted to you.
Kakashi: Hm. What’s your average amount of attraction to me?
Yamato: I abstain from the question.
Kakashi: 🤔😈㊙️❓
Sakura to Team Thanks for Pardoning Sasuke, Sensei: reminder that our new team photo will be taken tomorrow. naruto buy a hairbrush. sensei and sasuke remember to show up on time
Naruto: i own a hairbrush!! it just doesn’t work on my hair y’know
Sakura: bring it and i’ll help. i’m not breaking another one of my combs
Sasuke: Why do I get lumped in with Kakashi? I’m on time.
Sakura: you missed the last three years of team meetings
Sasuke: Touché.
Sai: Do Yamato-taichō and I need to do anything?
Sakura: i think you’ll both be fine. don’t worry too much about what kind of smile you need. be natural
Sai: I will join you early so we can practice being natural.
Sakura: that’s not what i meant. but sure we can get breakfast
Naruto: me too!!!!
Sakura: NOT ichiraku.
Naruto disliked “NOT ichiraku.”
Sasuke liked “NOT ichiraku.”
Naruto: :(((((((((((( ok
Yamato: Kakashi and I will both have a meeting about the new housing developments first thing. I can make sure we get there.
Naruto: should u be spending so much time together?
Naruto: i don’t want yamato-taichō to catch ur chakra exaustion again kaka-sensei
Kakashi: For the last time, I did not GIVE Yamato chakra exhaustion. U can’t catch it
Sakura: debatable.
Sai: Sakura does offer medical credibility to Naruto’s theory.
Kakashi: Tenzō, tell them.
Yamato: I haven’t ruled it out.
Naruto: SEE. ur contagious sensei
Kakashi: I miss when u all found me intimidating
Sasuke: We never found you intimidating.
Sakura liked “We never found you intimidating.”
Naruto liked “We never found you intimidating.”
Yamato: Didn’t you make them homemade bento on their first day? Not your most menacing tactic.
Naruto: tbh iruka-sensei and jiraiya-sensei had a lot more rules than u
Naruto: ur gonna have to work on that as Hokage!
Sai: If you would like, I can pretend to find you intimidating. I’m a very good actor.
Kakashi: Thank u, Sai. 😔🤘
Anko to Jōnin Gone Wild: @Shiranui Genma, Married, Colleagues, Divorce: Gai, Raidō, Aoba
Genma: Easy. Marry Raidō, Colleagues Gai, Divorce Aoba
Aoba: I understand
Gai: You have ALWAYS been an EXCELLENT Colleague, my friend!!!
Raidō: 👌
Yamato: What kind of a game is this?
Anko: Kakashi invented it. Something about it being a therapy exercise
Kakashi: Actually, my therapist advised against it. But I’m glad we have a new game. Shizune was 2 good at online mahjong
Shizune: You would be too if you grew up with Tsunade-sama. Also your next meeting is 5 minutes. I’ll bring the briefing when I’m upstairs
Kurenai: You know, as Hokage, technically Kakashi is responsible for all active shinobi. He shouldn’t be allowed to date any of his colleagues
Anko: Hahahah, government-mandated celibacy
Kakashi: I’ve been Hokage for like 3 days and none of u respect authority anyways
Kurenai: Are you saying you DO want to date a jōnin?
Anko emphasized, “Are you saying you DO want to date a jōnin?”
Yamato emphasized, “Are you saying you DO want to date a jōnin?”
Kakashi: U think I don’t know a trap when I see one
Shizune: He has a picture of gljljLKHGLJ
Shizune: I would like everyone to know that Kakashi-sama grabbed my phone when I was writing that message.
Kakashi: Aiming for meeting brief. New depth perception with 2 eyes. Talk later bye
Yamato to Celibacy Senpai: Explain to me how the game works again. Since we’re colleagues, we can’t be married or divorced?
Kakashi to Comrade Featured in Several GROUP Photos: It’s more of a state of mind
Kakashi: Take for example, if I had u, Yugao and Ibiki. I’d Colleagues Yugao, Divorce Ibiki and Marry u.
Yamato: That implies you were married to Ibiki before me.
Kakashi: Would it affect ur interest in marrying me?
Yamato: No, but I’d wonder why we didn’t get married first. We get along more.
Kakashi: We prioritized our friendship over other potential kinds of bonds
Yamato: I think we've got a pretty good track record for adapting. Besides, spouses should be friends. Anyway, none of this answers the question of why you’d suddenly marry someone else.
Kakashi: We were separated by a tsunami. U lost ur memory and I couldn’t find u so Ibiki and I got together so the kids could have another role model
Yamato: How long was I gone before you moved on?
Kakashi: We co-parented but I didn’t move on. That’s why u and I get married
Yamato: What if I’m more of a long-term-romantic-roommates kind of guy?
Kakashi: I’d make that work
Yamato: In the game?
Kakashi: Sure. In the game
Naruto to Team Congratulations Chūbu Sai: i went 2 the yamanaka flower shop for plant food after we met up and u’ll never guess what i saw!! u know the bandana guy?
Yamato: Genma?
Kakashi: Ibiki?
Sakura: Ebisu-sensei?
Naruto: no. sasuke hair
Kakashi: Izumo
Yamato: Izumo.
Naruto: yeah him!! he was buying flowers for that other guy. big stick.
Sakura: 🤨
Kakashi: That’s Kotetsu. And?
Naruto: he was BUYING FLOWERS. for that GUY. for a DATE!!!!!
Sai: Ino tells me it is customary to bring your partner gifts like flowers to show your affection.
Naruto: I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION!!
Kakashi: Dating Kotetsu? It isn’t. He’s in a relationship. And he’s too old for u
Naruto: DATING A GUY!!
Yamato: Why didn’t you think it was an option, Naruto?
Naruto: i mean, everyone thinks that way about guys and girls and everyone
Naruto: but no one DOES IT, y’know
Sai questioned “i mean, everyone thinks that way about guys and girls and everyone.”
Sai: Is that true?
Sakura: i think this is the wrong chat to ask that question in
Yamato emphasized, “i think this is the wrong chat to ask that question in.”
Sai: Why?
Kakashi: I can give u a book that will explain it, Sai. Anyway Naruto, people can date anyone they want, within reason. As long as the people involved like each other
Naruto: anyone?
Kakashi: Yeah. Even more than one person at once. Right, Sasuke? 👨🎤
Sasuke: What’s that emoji supposed to mean?
Kakashi: I just like to make sure ur phone is on.
Naruto: i gotta go for a walk
Yamato to It’s Kakamplicated: I’m going to tell him.
Kakashi to Konoha’s Next Top Anbu (Not a Sex Thing. Maybe A Sex Thing): Give him a few more days, he’ll figure it out
Yamato: …How long did it take you to figure it out?
Kakashi: I abstain from the question
Yamato: 🙄
Kakashi: Fine. 19.
Yamato: Age or years?
Kakashi: Definitely one of those two things. Next question
Iruka to Senseis R Us: What have you been telling Naruto?
Kakashi: U’ll have to be more specific
Iruka: Why did Naruto say he was going to hang out with my ex-husband?!
Kakashi: What makes u think I have anything to do with it
Iruka: I didn’t say I was talking to you. However, he was going to see your team and I don’t think Yamato-san is responsible for this!!
Yamato: I’m going to leave this one in Kakashi’s capable hands.
Iruka: Kakashi. What is wrong with you?
Yamato: Becoming a chunin at the age of 6, a strangely public black ops career, a possible attachment disorder and some very interesting tan lines.
Kakashi: That’s the kunai calling the shuriken sharp.
Kakashi: Also I’ll show u some interesting tan lines
Yamato loved “Also I’ll show u some interesting tan lines.”
Kakashi: Anyway. I didn’t say much, Naruto was just curious about our history
Iruka: We don’t have a history??
Kakashi: What about when I reupholstered your sofa?
Iruka: Was that... a romantic activity for you?
Kakashi: This is why we’d never work out, Iruka.
Iruka: Because you text like a member of the cypher corps?
Yamato: It’s not so bad. His birthday messages are very heartfelt.
Kakashi loved “It’s not so bad. His birthday messages are very heartfelt.”
Kakashi: Thank you, Tenzō.
Iruka: Who’s Tenzō?
Yamato liked “Who’s Tenzō?”
Kakashi loved “Who’s Tenzō?”
Iruka: This is going on your performance review as an ex-husband.
Kakashi: That’s fair
Yamato to Kakashinova: Have you seen my uniform belt?
Kakashi to Some Kind of Wooderful: I have not. U do keep taking it off every time we eat if that helps?
Yamato: I can’t get used to the placement. But I’ll need to find it or order another one before my next check-in. You know how they are about item counts.
Kakashi: U can use one of mine if u want
Yamato: Your black belt which has Rokudaime Hokage stitched on the inside? I’ll pass, thanks.
Kakashi: I don’t know why they keep putting that on everything. But u can’t see that part while ur wearing it anyway. It’s the same belt
Yamato: Yes, but the Anbu would know it was your belt. I get enough heat for how much time we spend together as it is.
Kakashi: Favouritism?
Yamato: More like wisecracks about holding a torch for you.
Kakashi: Haha why. Do you have a crush on me, Tenzō?
Yamato: You know the answer to this one. Next question.
Kakashi: What makes u think I know the answer?
Yamato: You’re the smartest person in this village. And we see each other every day.
Kakashi: We all have our Shodaime’s nipple
Yamato: Some of us more than most. Let’s try a different question. How many times have we kissed each other?
Kakashi: 7. 9 and a half if u count missions
Yamato: Where are you getting the half from?
Kakashi: CPR
Yamato: Ah. So, in those nine-and-a-half moments... You didn’t have any suppositions? Inferences? Lessons gleaned from experience?
Kakashi: Four and a half of them we’d need to discount for recall, and the last few are harder to report on due to observer bias
Yamato: The observer bias in you gauging my romantic feelings.
Kakashi: Yes
Yamato: Because you would like?
Kakashi: You
Yamato: Me to what?
Kakashi: Long-term romantic roommates, eventually
Yamato: Oh.
Kakashi: Yeah. Do you mind?
Yamato: No, I don’t mind. Maybe we can start with dinner and a walk first?
Yamato: And Kakashi? I long-term romantic roommates you too.
Kakashi: That’s a funny way to ask me on a date. 💘 See u in an hour?
Yamato: It’s on.