Work Text:
A clap; Cheng Xiaoshi's shoes touch the ground, followed quickly by his knees, and already Lu Guang is by his side. A hand on his shoulder, gentle, and Cheng Xiaoshi's eyes fill with tears.
"I don't understand," he says, quiet even in the silence of the room. Lu Guang doesn't say anything. "We're supposed to help people with their regrets."
Then, Lu Guang's reassurance, "That's what you did."
"Then why would she take it back," Cheng Xiaoshi does not really ask, and the tears overflow. "She loved him so much, so why?"
Lu Guang stays silent for a while, then replies, softly, "It's because she loved him that she did it."
"But didn't he love her too?" Cheng Xiaoshi leans back, fist closing around the fabric of Lu Guang's shirt. "I could tell he did- and now, now he died- without knowing-"
"In the original timeline," Lu Guang interrupts, looking down at a spot around his knee. "The last words he spoke to her was that he was sorry. Not because he didn't love her back, but because he was about to leave her alone nonetheless.
"Their last moments were spent crying. The guilt, the helplessness, the sadness he felt - that was her regret. So she took it back."
Cheng Xiaoshi sniffs. "But she cared for him. She came to visit him at the hospital everyday, watched as his health worsened," he recounts, still emotional about the memories of this man he didn't know himself, smiling from his hospital bed, thanking their client for the flowers she brought every single day. "She's been hurting so much, and she… she's the one who's gonna live with that regret, now."
"It's what it's like, sometimes," Lu Guang says after a moment. "To love someone. She wanted to spare him from more pain and regret in their last moments together," he pauses, sighing slightly. "Even if that means taking on more for herself."
"Loving can be a burden," he continues, voice low. "And sometimes, it's best not shared."
"Well, that's bullshit," Cheng Xiaoshi says to that, scrubbing harshly at his eyes with his sleeve. Lu Guang grabs his wrist to stop him, with a small sigh that Cheng Xiaoshi interprets as amusement. He feels a bit better already, more like himself - his own person. Not a stranger who watched the person she loved slowly lose his life against a terrible illness. He's Cheng Xiaoshi, and Lu Guang is right there, as he always is. And Cheng Xiaoshi thinks, "Every burden deserves to be shared, especially when it comes to love."
Lu Guang only shrugs, and Cheng Xiaoshi can't help letting a small chuckle out. "That's it? After this long tirade on the burden of love?" he teases. "Where did that even come from? It almost feels like it was you in the client's skin."
Only then does Lu Guang actually meet his eyes. Cheng Xiaoshi feels caught for some reason, under Lu Guang's focused attention. Lu Guang only watches him, without saying another word, and it feels a bit too much. Then Cheng Xiaoshi feels it before it happens - Lu Guang pulling away - so he leans in, his forehead coming to settle against Lu Guang's shoulder.
"Can you stay?" he mutters. There was a time when he used to pretend he didn't need Lu Guang's comfort after some emotional dives. Not anymore - not after all they went through. "Just for a bit."
Lu Guang doesn't reply, doesn't sigh at Cheng Xiaoshi for being childish. He just cups both his shoulders and leads him onto standing, then directs them to the couch. There, he lets Cheng Xiaoshi lean his head against his shoulder.
They stay like this, quiet. Cheng Xiaoshi closes his eyes, and breathes out.
When Cheng Xiaoshi blinks his eyes open, it's already morning. He's splayed over the couch, and half over Lu Guang too. He slept ridiculously well, which is not exactly usual after a dive like this. Lu Guang, however, is wide awake, and judging by the dark skin below his eyes, he probably didn't catch much sleep.
He still stayed. Feeling unbelievably warm, Cheng Xiaoshi pretends to sleep a little longer. Lu Guang catches him immediately, promptly pushing him off the couch and leading Cheng Xiaoshi to plant face down on the floor. Rude.
Sitting up, he finally notices the stiffness in his neck and shoulders, groaning. This couch isn't the most comfortable to sleep on, but Cheng Xiaoshi's body shouldn't feel like this at age twenty two nonetheless. Lu Guang doesn't seem to fare much better, rubbing the nape of his neck with a face revealing that he's reviewing all the past decisions that led him to where he is now.
"I really need a shower", they both say at the same time. A beat of silence. Their eyes meet, then - Lu Guang's open palm comes to counter Cheng Xiaoshi's closed fist. Lu Guang walks upstairs in silent victory, while Cheng Xioashi falls to his knees for dramatics. They should stop deciding such important things on rock-paper-scissors.
Whatever, Cheng Xiaoshi thinks as he stands up. Lu Guang deserves the first shower, after indulging Cheng Xiaoshi last night. He's always like this; indulging, then never mentioning it, even if he maybe should be complaining about it from time to time. He never does.
The previous night's leftover congee heating up, Cheng Xiaoshi is in the midst of cooking the scallion pancakes from the dough Qiao Ling brought them the day before when Lu Guang appears again, seemingly more alive after a warm shower. His hair is still wet, and the scent of shampoo really makes Cheng Xiaoshi itch for a shower himself. But the smell of the food has made him too hungry; this'll have to wait for after breakfast.
Wordlessly, Lu Guang clicks the kettle on as he passes by to retrieve two clean mugs. Cheng Xiaoshi feels more aware of the limited space in their makeshift kitchen (a counter with a portable hot plate and rice cooker, really) than usual, noticing every touch of shoulders they share when moving around. It feels nice. Cheng Xiaoshi reveals in the casual closeness. Lu Guang walks to their cheap coffee machine with a yawn - Cheng Xiaoshi really needs to get him a new one for his birthday, if he can get Qiao Ling to participate. For now, he simply watches as Lu Guang sighs with the patience of a man who can't really feel strong emotions without his first dose of coffeine, as the machine struggles to pour a liquid that is too clear to be called anything else than dirty water in his mug. He discards it in the sink, rearranges the pod, tries again. The kettle clicks off in the background.
A burden, a burden, a burden, Cheng Xiaoshi considers. How could it be?
"Oi," Lu Guang calls, and Cheng Xiaoshi blinks to see him holding two boxes of tea. "Which one?"
"Black," Cheng Xiaoshi replies, almost mindlessly. Lu Guang nods.
"Also, your pancake is burning," he says calmly, and Cheng Xiaoshi finally notices the smoke and tries to salvage what's left of the pancake.
Lu Guang sets the tea he prepared in front of Cheng Xiaoshi's designated seat, then serves them two half empty bowls of congee while Cheng Xiaoshi finishes cooking the last of the pancakes. Lu Guang sits down, cupping his mug of semblance of coffee with both hands, relishing the warmth.
Again, Cheng Xiaoshi can't help but think of their last client - the regret she carries for never being able to tell this important person of hers how she felt. How lonely.
A burden, Lu Guang called it. Cheng Xiaoshi does not believe this. Loving someone shouldn't be this lonely. It's made for sharing. Even if it's about sharing grief over what could never be - sharing it makes it worth it.
Cheng Xiaoshi leans over Lu Guang's shoulder, sets the plate of scallion pancakes on the table, and pecks his lips.
The expression on Lu Guang's face does not change, as if frozen in shock; he blinks slowly, and his cheeks color a deep pink. Cheng Xiaoshi would probably laugh at him if he wasn't on the verge of a heart attack. When Lu Guang doesn't do anything - does not push him or run away or -well, move at all, except to look at Cheng Xiaoshi with wide, questioning eyes - Cheng Xiaoshi breathes out. Slowly, very very slowly, so as to leave Lu Guang time and space to stop him if he wants to, Cheng Xiaoshi leans in again.
Lu Guang does not stop him. Cheng Xiaoshi sees him swallow before their lips make contact again. Nothing happens for a few beats, a moment suspended, until Lu Guang's mouth starts moving against his, tentative. Then something happens, and it feels warm and tingling and weird - like Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart stutters and is now trying to climb up his throat, like it has to get out of there or it will simply explode. Weird - but not bad.
Now, Cheng Xiaoshi hasn't kissed many people in his life. Even less when sober - he's kind of a flirty drunk, apparently. And Lu Guang's always pushed him away then. Anyway, the fact of the matter is: this is new for Cheng Xiaoshi. New: the note of bitterness and the warmth of a pair of lips, the faint scent of the cheap laundry softener they mistakenly took for detergent mixed with the three-in-one shower soap that Lu Guang hates but still uses sometimes.
He likes it. He likes being so close to Lu Guang that he can notice these things.
Lu Guang sighs softly through his nose, and Cheng Xiaoshi's heart takes another round of damage. He pushes a bit harder against him, causing Lu Guang to open his mouth slightly, and giving Cheng Xiaoshi the opportunity to deepen their kiss.
Lu Guang pushes him away, then. Face completely red, he grumbles, "Don't kiss people when you haven't brushed your teeth, idiot."
Pouting, and honestly a little lightheaded, Cheng Xiaoshi relents, finally sitting down. It feels like an eternity has passed, but his tea is still quite hot. "Hygiene freak," he complains weakly.
He hopes it means that Lu Guang would let him kiss him again after he brushes his teeth.
Unfortunately, the occasion doesn't present itself for the rest of the day. After breakfast and Cheng Xiaoshi's shower, their first customer of the day shows up, looking for a "vintage" camera. Then, it's a family who needs ID photos, that Lu Guang handles himself. An old couple enters then, and Cheng Xiaoshi finds himself spending the remaining of the day developing loads of old wedding photos.
When the shop is closed, though, and it's only the two of them, Cheng Xiaoshi can no longer blame it on business; Lu Guang is definitely avoidant.
So Cheng Xiaoshi gives him some space.
Qiao Ling visits not long after, whisking him away for boba run. He orders Lu Guang's current favorite - jasmine without milk, 50% sugar, no ice - and wordlessly sets it on the coffee table when they're back. Lu Guang doesn't really look at him when he says a quiet 'thanks', but Cheng Xiaoshi can't remember if he usually does, or if he's just being paranoid. Qiao Ling does throw him a look, so maybe he's not.
She beats their ass at video games again, and they settle to watch an episode and a half of the new popular Kdrama she wanted to try while eating dinner, before Lu Guang, who's been dozing off for at least twenty minutes, bids them a good night and disappears upstairs.
"So," Qiao Ling prompts almost as soon as he's out of earshot. "What's up with you guys?"
Cheng Xiaoshi groans. He can never hide anything from her.
"I think I… acted a bit too impulsively," he says vaguely, because he'd rather not discuss his lovelife with his sister - especially given that her knowledge on these things basically limits itself to these Kdramas. "I think I might have scared him a bit."
Qiao Ling hums, turning back to their laptop screen. "Well, that does sound like you. You’ve always been better at acting than talking," she comments, and maybe she knows what he's talking about anyways. "But you know Lu Guang," she continues. "He will overthink if he's not told things clearly," she notes, then sighs, "if you give him a chance to misunderstand, he will take it."
Cheng Xiaoshi thinks he's been pretty clear, but… Yeah, she's right. Safer saying it with words. He acted so out of the blue this morning, Lu Guang probably has a hard time making sense of it.
"I'm beat," Qiao Ling yawns exaggeratedly. She closes the laptop and stands up with a wink. Cheng Xiaoshi loves her. "I'll be on my way. Don't be stupid."
The bedroom is empty when Cheng Xiaoshi enters it. He can hear that the shower is still running - Lu Guang runs pretty low on body heat, so he can't really fall asleep if he hasn't warmed up beforehand. Cheng Xiaoshi has a lot of body heat to share, but well.
It's not long before Lu Guang emerges from the bathroom, warm steam following after him. The smell of their shared body soap makes his stomach tingles with the memory of this morning. Cheng Xiaoshi stands from where he was sitting on his bunk, and Lu Guang stops in his tracks, some distance away.
“Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi calls, then, “I’m sorry, about this morning.”
Lu Guang is not exactly an expressive person. Most people wouldn’t notice the subtlety of his facial expression - the way it freezes. But after years of spending almost every single hour in his vicinity, Cheng Xiaoshi is fluent in Lu Guang’s language. He can’t miss the closed off expression settling on his face, then the forced nonchalance.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says too easily, heading past Cheng Xiaoshi and toward the ladder leading to his bunk. “Let’s just forget about it.”
Cheng Xiaoshi grabs his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. “Don’t run away,” he asks, voice soft. He doesn’t want to scare him away even further. “I’m not saying I didn’t mean it,” he explains, but Lu Guang does not look at him. “I’m not taking it back,” he continues, pulls on his wrist gently, and Lu Guang finally shoots him a glance, tentative.
“Why are you apologizing, then?”
“Because I acted so suddenly, and made it confusing for you,” he sighs, lets his fingers trail down to wrap around Lu Guang’s own. He reciprocates, gives him a quick squeeze that is more like a spasm. “I should have told you, first, but I- I just. I suddenly couldn’t take it anymore, you not knowing.”
“... Knowing, uh?” Lu Guang notes, quiet.
He’s so red. Cheng Xiaoshi can’t help but comment, “Cute.”
Lu Guang throws him a glare, his mouth in a small pout. Cheng Xiaoshi lets out a chuckle. What else can he do? He… feels super good. Happy. He can say these things now, and Lu Guang knows that he means it. He knows that Cheng Xioashi wants to hold his hand, that he likes it when they can be close to each other.
“It’s not fair,” Lu Guang mutters. “Why… does it look so easy for you?”
Cheng Xioashi blinks, not sure what to say to that. He settles for, “Why wouldn’t it be easy? I know you best,” because he does. He knows Lu Guang’s favorite book, that he re-reads at least three times a year. He knows Lu Guang sleeps easier on rainy nights. He knows Lu Guang wakes up, sometimes, when Cheng Xiaoshi has a nightmare, but pretends he doesn’t. He knows Lu Guang can’t shop for groceries if he doesn’t have a detailed list. He knows that Lu Guang’s emergency contact is himself, he knows that Lu Guang sometimes sleeps on the floor of the sunroom so he can catch more sun. He knows he keeps all the ridiculous cat-themed items Qiao Ling buys for him. He knows Lu Guang gets lost in photos of their past, sometimes. He knows Lu Guang keeps some secrets from him. He knows him best. “And you know me best." That's why Cheng Xiaoshi wants him to know - it's only fair. He want Lu Guang to know this part of himself that is so important. "It’s easy. It’s just… I’m the most comfortable when I’m with you. It just makes sense.”
Lu Guang watches him in silence, taking it in.
“...Your life must be so easy, Cheng Xiaoshi,” he says at last, almost defeated. There’s a small smile on his lips, too - teasing?
Cheng Xiaoshi pouts. “Are you calling me simple?”
“Simple is good,” Lu Guang replies, which isn’t exactly a compliment, but Cheng Xioshi will take it. Then, looking away, he adds, “I like it.”
Which, this time, Cheng Xioashi definitely takes as a compliment. A takes a step closer; Lu Guang doesn’t take a step back. Without thinking, Cheng Xiaoshi declares, “My teeth are brushed,” and immediately feels a bit stupid.
The sudden sound of a chuckle, quiet and breathy, is rare enough that Cheng Xiaoshi notices it nonetheless. He hopes it means that Lu Guang is happy - even more so if it's because of - thanks to? - him. He wants to make Lu Guang happy, just like Lu Guang makes him happy. Just by being there, always; he thinks they deserve it, both of them, this little happiness from each other.
"Is that you asking for permission?" Lu Guang cocks an eyebrow at him, but he's smiling.
Slightly embarrassed, Cheng Xiaoshi brushes a hand into his own hair. "I'm still learning…"
With gentle fingers, Lu Guang reaches up and rearranges the mess he just made of his hair out of his face.
He's the one who leans in.
“So, how’s that?” Cheng Xiaoshi says into Lu Guang’s unruly hair, from where he’s pressed to his backside. “Not a bad idea, right?”
Lu Guang only hums, almost begrudgingly, sound half muffled by Cheng Xiaoshi’s pillow. A lazy cat. Cheng Xiaoshi reaches up blindly to press the back of his fingers against Lu Guang’s cheek.
“Oh? Lu Guang, aren’t you supposed to run cold?” he teases, and Lu Guang slaps his hand away. “How come your face’s so warm, hm?”
He can’t help but snicker when Lu Guang elbows his stomach weakly, his ears glowing red even in the darkness of the room.
“Right, it’s too warm,” Lu Guang grumbles, “so get away from me.”
Cheng Xiaoshi pouts again. “You don’t mean that.”
There’s a beat of silence, and Cheng Xiaoshi’s about to let go of him, afraid that his teasing went too far - when Lu Guang confirms, “I don’t. Now let me sleep, idiot.”
Cheng Xiaoshi relaxes, spooning him closer. Lu Guang grabs one of his hands, and Cheng Xiaoshi squeezes.
“Good night,” he breathes against Lu Guang’s nape. Very warm, indeed.
With the softest voice, Lu Guang replies, “Good night, Cheng Xiaoshi.”