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It wasn’t even anything. There was a pileup on the highway after a transport truck trailer overturned and spilled grain all off the road. No one was hurt more than a broken wrist and some bruises, but it had taken all day to clear the cars and spilled grain, leaving Carlos helping direct traffic around the accident in the hot Texas sun while listening to car horns and screeching metal of the crash being cleaned up followed by all the scraping and beeping from the machinery brought in to collect the grain in a new truck.
It wasn’t hard work, but people were mad about traffic being backed up, and the noise and heat were relentless. Add to this, Carlos had missed lunch and forgot he was planning to go grocery shopping when his shift ended, so he had nothing out for dinner.
After dragging himself home, Carlos showered quickly before crawling into bed. Knowing that TK would be back in an hour or so from his afternoon with Owen, Carlos set an alarm before laying down and put the pillow over his face to block out as much light and noise as possible as he worked to pull himself back together.
The lock turning and door sliding open caused Carlo’s heart rate to skyrocket as he started to slip out of bed; terrified at the thought of being caught in such a vulnerable state.
TK’s cheerful “Honey, I’m home!” was just enough to break through Carlos’s churning thoughts and he forced himself to take a deep breath, before quickly leaving the bed and moving into the main room as he tried to calm down and appear normal.
“You’re home early,” Carlos replied hoping his voice held steady.
“I missed you,” TK whispered as he all but fell against Carlos for a kiss, “And my dad had already spent an hour talking to me about the importance of more sunscreen now that we live further south and the merits of mineral versus chemical sunscreens so I made a strategic exit before…” TK stopped to pull away to critically scan Carlos’s face with his Paramedic Stand focus.
“Carlos, are you okay?” TK asked quietly while continuing to look intensely at Carlos.
“Oh, ya. I’m fine.”
TK gave a skeptical hum but went back to leaning against Carlos.
Carlos was just starting to relax when the moment was broken by TK’s stomach grumbling.
“It’s been a long day I guess” TK giggled into Carlos's shoulder.
“Sorry, I meant to have dinner ready but I forgot to go to the store on the way home.” Carlos could feel the anxious energy building as he remembered that he’d failed at providing dinner.
“I’ll see what we have. We must have enough for something. Maybe pancakes or we might have enough for pasta at least” Carlos rambled as he raplidly moved to the fridge to see what they had before moving to survey every cupboard in the kitchen.
Carlos startled hard when TK grabbed his wrist and gently stopped his frantic searching of the cupboards.
“Hey, it’s okay. “ TK spoke gently.
“No, it’s not okay! I was supposed to get groceries and make dinner but instead, all I could think about was the heat and the scraping and the screeching from the stupid grain truck. Not to mention all the honking from the drivers stuck in traffic. It was just so loud and everywhere and everyone kept asking when the road could reopen and I didn’t have answers and…and” Carlos cut himself off gasping for breath.
TK just silently pulled Carlos into his arms softly repeating “Just breathe baby. It’s okay. Just breathe”.
After what felt like an embarrassingly long time, Carlos finally felt like he had some semblance of control back.
“Sorry,” he whispered from his hiding spot in TK's arms.
“Nothing to be sorry for, baby.” TK kissed the side of his head before pulling back and wiping away some of the tears still clinging to Carlos's lashes.
“Let’s go sit down okay?”
“But we still need dinner. I haven’t-“
“We can order in. Let’s go sit down and figure it out together okay?”
Carlos could only nod as he followed TK's lead to the couch and let TK arrange them so Carlos was safely in his arms with his head on TK's chest.
They just sat there breathing together for a few minutes before TK asked “What’s going on in there Carlos?” As he gently carded his fingers through Carlos's hair.
Carlos’ first instinct was to respond by saying nothing was wrong. This, this weakness, was not something Carlos had ever thought of sharing with anyone. But part of the deal they made when getting back together was that they both had to communicate better and Carlos especially had to stop keeping things hidden to try and protect TK from uncomfortable feelings.
“It…today was just a lot.” Carlos started. TK gently kissed his head but stayed quiet.
“I…some…it’s” Carlos stopped with a frustrated sigh. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Can I offer a suggestion?” TK asked after a few beats of silence.
At Carlos’s nod, TK continued “You know how I talk about grey days?”
Carlos grabbed his hand for a quick kiss in silent support as he thought about all those years ago when TK told Carlos that the world was grey. Carlos understood what he meant, to an admittedly small degree at least. Carlos had days when time was both too slow and too fast and everything seemed to go wrong and even your favourite foods, movies, or fuzzy socks with penguins just couldn’t chase the clouds away. Hearing that TK was trapped trying to navigate a much darker, much more insidious version of this only made Carlos want to hug him harder and try to help show TK he wasn’t alone in the dark.
While they weren’t in a place for that hug way back at the precinct after the bar fight, in the time since then their relationship had grown and they had both shared so much more of themselves. Now, as husbands, TK would usually let Carlos know when the grey was seeping in, and Carlos worked to ensure he hugged TK extra hard, got him a fancy coffee when he struggled to get up and sent ridiculous emoji-filled text messages to try and get a smile, while he supported TK to do what he needed to, be that go to meetings, call Cooper or be distracted with silly movies or games nights with friends.
Grey days were rare for Carlos. But days like today, where everything was turned up to 1000%, would sneak up on him, leaving him wishing for a dark, quiet room to hide in until the chaos retreated. He was used to dealing with days like today the way he learned to deal with most things - alone.
Pulling Carlos from his thoughts, TK continued “So I’ve learned a thing or two in therapy. And one of those is that grey days are when things are like numb and slow but there’s an opposite where everything is too much and it’s so overwhelming and it’s like you can shut out anything. Did you kinda feel like that? Like everything was turned up in intensity?”
“You feel like that sometimes?” Carlos asked with near wonder at the potential of discovering he was not the only one.
“Sometimes. Especially when I’m tired or other things are going on that just make it all seem like too much.”
Carlos could only nod as he processed that others, even TK, might feel like he does sometimes.
TK let Carlos think in silence, the sound of TK’s heart reminding Carlos he’s not alone anymore.
Taking a deep breath, Carlos let the words out. “My family always said I was too sensitive. I’ve tried to change that or ignore it, but sometimes it’s all too much.”
TK wrapped Carlos up tighter and pressed more kisses into his hair.
“Well, I love how sensitive you are.” TK proclaimed with a further kiss on Carlos’s head. “Not only does it make you a fantastic cop, but it also is both terrifying and comforting how well you know what I need. Even when I don’t. It’s annoying to be seen like that but in a good way, ya know. Like how you showed up at the station last week with my favorite sandwich just when I was thinking I forgot my lunch. It was like magic or some sort of telepathic link. Do you ever-”
Carlos leaned up to kiss TK before he could keep rambling. “I love you too.”
***************
Carlos liked going to clubs. Okay, fine, he found them a bit too bright, and too loud, and too crowded, but he enjoyed moving his body to the music and he really, really loved being able to watch and hold TK while he did the same.
It had been a long week and Carlos could feel the headache coming on as the night wore on, but TK was bouncing around and having so much fun, Carlos just ignored it. They were just wrapping up a slower song which had TK pressed right up against Carlos when TK frowned in concern before brightening with “I have something for you.” Now Carlos wasn’t new to TK-speak and expected some sort of ridiculous or flirtatious response, so he played along and lowered his head to respond in TK’s ear “Is that so?”. “Yep!” But while Carlos was expecting TK to push in closer, TK actually pulled away and seemed to be searching himself for something before holding up a small case triumphantly.
Carlos may have gotten distracted trying to figure out where TK had hidden this case given the extremely tight jeans and nearly transparent shirt he was wearing, but focused on the case again when TK waved it in his face, signature smirk in place.
Raising a questioning eyebrow Carlos allowed TK to take the lead when he opened the case and showed Carlos the small dark red earplugs. Emboldened by TK’s encouraging nod, Carlos picked up the earplugs and fit them in.
The relief was instant, and Carlos closed his eyes feeling like he could breathe for the first time in hours. The earplugs cut the noise down, but still let Carlos hear the music clearly, just down a few notches. He opened his eyes to find TK staring back and Carlos was helpless to avoid kissing him deeply in gratitude and to try and direct the amount of love he could barely comprehend back to his incredible husband. Carlos briefly wondered where the case had disappeared to as TK’s hand started wandering up his back, but that thought was quickly forgotten as Carlos let himself sink into the euphoric combination of good music and his brilliant TK.
***************
The sound of his phone ringing brought up a rage so intense that Carlos nearly threw the infernal device into the nearest concrete wall, but the flash of TK’s photo on the front made him stop. They’d already exchanged several texts so TK knew Carlos was home and if he didn’t answer it was likely that TK would rally everyone they knew to break down the door within minutes. Carlos took a deep breath and tried to rally the energy to smile and answer the Facetime request somewhere in the range of normal “Hey babe”.
“Is it one of those days?” TK asked softly—concern evident in his green eyes.
Carlos nearly started crying as he dropped his eyes and nodded. He never knew what it meant to be known by someone else. It was terrifying and exciting and just plain overwhelming, but even through a few text messages and one quick glance TK knows what Carlos needs, even all the way from New York where he’s sitting on the guest bed in Enzo’s apartment during his long weekend visit.
“Okay. I figured that might be the case. Don’t worry. I got you, babe.” TK responded quietly.
“I assume you haven’t had any dinner, right?”
“Not hungry.” Carlos grits out, feeling his cheeks heat in shame.
“That’s okay, God knows some days are tough. I’ll help you get set up and then I can tell you about the adventures Jonah and I had today.”
Carlos could only nod. Words seemed to be beyond his current abilities.
“First, I need you to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen.” TK paused, “I know you’re tired sweetheart, but this will be the hardest part and then it will be easier from there, okay?”
All Carlos can do is nod again and start the arduous process of getting off the couch, with TK’s encouragement being the only thing keeping him from falling right back down. He made it to standing and stretched a bit before starting the long 5-step journey to the kitchen.
Before he’s even finished forming a cohesive thought about how silly he’s being given that he’s a fit grown man that’s not injured or sick, but still needs his husband’s encouragement to get off the couch, TK’s comforting voice is back “Carlos? Come back to me, baby.”
Oh right, video calls work better when the phone isn’t dangling from your hand.
“There you are” TK smiles at him and Carlos returns what he hopes is a smile as he props the phone up on the counter. TK slowly walks Carlos through making tea and heating up the leftovers from last night, with Carlos following along with the instructions mindlessly.
Once everything is ready, TK distracts Carlos as he mechanically eats and then suggests that he move into the bedroom. Once changed into one of TK’s old AFD shirts and settled on their bed he lets TK’s continued monologue about his New York adventures with Jonah wash over him.
“I love you” Carlos quietly whispered after some time had passed. He belatedly realizes he’d interrupted, but TK doesn’t seem to mind as he smiles brightly “I love you too Carlos. I miss you so much and I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”
Carlos smiled back and settled into bed as TK did the same on his end. Once they were both settled, TK continued his story.
“So, as I was saying, I took Jonah to one of the City’s new pollinator place gardens to watch the bees and butterflies. Jonah loved the bees so much, that he returned home and asked Enzo for a pet bee! The look on Enzo’s face was so priceless. And he had the audacity – the audacity Carlos – to say this was my fault. Like I’m somehow personally responsible for pollinators being so adorable.”
Carlos drifted off at some point lulled and relaxed by his husband’s enthusiastic tales and musings. He woke feeling well rested for the first time in days and Carlos didn’t even try to hide the smile at the text from TK saying good night and including a meme of “Bee safe”. Dios his husband is such a lovely, wonderful, amazing dork!