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‘Angel, are you ready?’ there was a voice coming down from the stairs. Aziraphale jumped a little because of the sudden sound. Of course he knew that Crowley was coming over, but he was lost in thoughts for a long time and simply forgot about the whole world. He took waistcoat and rushed down the stairs. They were coming to the Ritz for dinner that day and Aziraphale was really excited. He was looking forward to each meeting with his friend, but today a sudden wave of melancholy passed through his body, almost stopping him from running. He just sighed as he felt the familiar feeling. He closed his eyes, organizing the thoughts in his head and left his bedroom. He directed his steps towards the stairs and descended from the first floor.
He felt a knot in his stomach when he saw Crowley. His face flushed and a shy and uncontrollable smile crept in. He scanned his friend's body, noting to himself that the clothes fit him perfectly, as if the outfit had been created just for him. Aziraphale, if only he could, would look at him for all eternity, admiring and adoring. Instead, he walked over to Crowley, still smiling slightly.
'Shall we go?' Crowley asked, tilting his head. And that's when reality hit the angel, who just remembered one thing.
Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman?
Not a thing, more like a spiritual creature. Archangel Gabriel. Aziraphale had an interesting, truly diabolical conversation with him. Of course, at the beginning, they were talking about Armageddon and how badly the angel had screwed up the whole thing. But then the insults started. At first, meaningless words that more or less describe what a bad creature he is. After that, it got much worse. The next exchanges concerned his bookshop, the human habits he had acquired, and especially his diet and body.
Gabriel said that angels don't need to eat or drink. He said it was one of the stupidest habits Aziraphale had acquired during his tenure on Earth. Naturally, before this, he did not fail to mention a number of other habits that were more pathetic for him than ever before. After all, angels are supernatural creatures that are not humans. Therefore, Gabriel proposed, or rather forced Aziraphale, that, as a penance, he should stop eating human food and focus on more angelic matters. Well, that's a pretty mild way to describe the entire monologue of the archangel, who allowed himself to use a few obscene words. But of course, as befits an angel, he smiled at the end and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder.
The family gathers 'round and reads it and then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from hell"
It was enough for Aziraphale to lock himself in his room for hours, repenting and crying silently into his pillow. Above all, he felt guilty, and his body seemed to be detached from his soul. He felt disgusted, and saw disgust in the mirror. There was even a moment where he wanted to vomit from all these feelings. He could still feel the breakfast he had eaten that morning on the tip of his tongue, and it didn't help him with the torment he was going through.
Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Of course, he didn't lose his senses or anything. He didn't want to give any ideas to Gabriel, who apparently knew that a verbal reprimand would be enough to make the angel do anything, as long as he didn't betray the Almighty's intentions.
So seeing Crowley enjoying the idea of having dinner together made him feel even more guilty. He was ready to shake the whole Heaven, just so as not to make him sad; he didn't want his charming smile to leave his face, because he knew full well that it wasn't easy for him to put it on.
He sighed raggedly as he tried to explain. So he looked at his hands instead of his demon's hopeful face, noticing that his knuckles were white from too much pressure.
'Crowley, I…' he began hesitantly. 'Well, it's hard to explain, but… it's a matter in Heaven… and now I can't, well, all this…' Aziraphale got lost in his own words. He started making some inexplicable gestures with his hands, just to keep himself occupied.
'Angel, what happened?' Crowley asked, frowning at his friend's odd reaction. Hearing the word 'heaven' from his angel's mouth, he tensed and had a bad feeling. It was like the biggest curse for him. That was enough to make him really worried.
'What I'm trying to say is… oh, Crowley, please don't be mad at me,' Aziraphale sighed, voicing his greatest fears.
'Aziraphale, what are you talking about? Why should I be mad at you?' Now the demon was really worried. He knew how the relationship with the Upstairs confused Aziraphale’s mind.
'I can't go to dinner with you, Crowley,' the angel spat out the words like the biggest curse. He grimaced mercilessly and tore his eyes away from Crowley.
At first there was silence. The demon didn't know how to react. Of course, he was sad, but he did not allow himself to be carried away by negative emotions. He knew that Aziraphale would never refuse to go to the Ritz as long as he had a good reason. However, he never had one like that. Besides, Heaven had something to do with it, so he couldn't let it go so easily.
‘Okay, but... why? You love Ritz! Have… have I done something?’ Crowley was desperate to know; he chose his words carefully.
‘No, no, dear, there is nothing wrong with you, I believe. It’s rather… me. I’m the problem, you see’ angel laughed weakly, and it sounded more like a quiet cry.
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
Well, that was surprising. Crowley didn't see that coming. He reached for Aziraphale’s hand and stroked it gently.
‘Hey, what’s wrong? First of all, you’re not a problem. Never. Can’t let yourself call you that way.’
‘But I’m, Crowley, I screwed up, I couldn't stop enjoying stupid things, because I'm a stupid angel and did stupid things, and they all hate me…I hate me’ Aziraphale started talking, gesticulating briskly. With the last words, he stopped and accepted his fate. The truth is, he was hiding, even from himself.
'What? I do not understand. Who are 'they'? And please don't use such strong words towards yourself,' that hurt Crowley more than he could ever realize. Hearing the way his dearest friend talked about himself made him feel like someone was pressing down on his stomach, like a heavy weight was crushing his chest.
’Come on, you will tell me everything, okay? Let's sit down.’ he guided Aziraphale to the old-fashioned couch in the corner of the living room.
They sat, Crowley with a worried expression and Aziraphale with shaky legs. After a moment of silence, the demon saw that his friend was totally disconnected from reality. His eyes stopped in one position, and his mouth was saying breathless words. He looked like a possessed human being.
'Angel?'
Crowley placed his hand on Aziraphale's knee, which was shaking mercilessly.
'Hey, you alright?'
Then he took his hand, with a hint of doubt.
'Please, say something.'
The demon went on his knees in front of Aziraphale. He couldn't understand what was happening, nor did the angel. In pure panic, he thought that Heaven had done something, but then his beloved friend looked at him. His eyes are now full of tears, representing nothing but fear, madness, and guiltiness. Crowley sighed in relief and tried again.
'Hey, there you are. That's alright; take as much time as you need. I'm right here. I'm not leaving.' he said with a real struggle not to blush. Even now, Aziraphale looked as angelic as he was. He was even pretty when he cried, Crowley thought.
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
Hearing those words, the angel felt like something was crushing his heart. He took a big breath, closed his eyes, and tried to calm down with the warm pressure of Crowley's hands. He wandered in the heavens of his thoughts; the only word that came to his mind was 'Crowley'. Furthermore, he was there with him, not leaving, holding his hand like it was pure glass.
After a while, he was finally able to talk.
'I… thank you, dear. See, I panicked a little. Sorry for causing you trouble' he said with a shadow of a smile. Still, he couldn't look at the beautiful face of his friend's, so he stared at their entwined hands.
'Told you already about you being a problem. You can't say that, please. Believe me, you're... so more than that' Crowley said, overwhelmed. 'But I'm still not exactly sure what or who makes you say something like that.'
And then Aziraphale talked. He talked like no one could stop him; he talked like there was eternity for them. He talked about all the awful things Heaven did—things that even Hell itself wouldn't think of. The angel talked, and his demon listened. Their hands gently stroking each other, giving them the feeling of a safe place they were in.
Crowley didn't say much. Well, at least not verbally. His mind was already making a list of how he could eliminate the names mentioned in Aziraphale's little monologue. The thing he could do is to offer a cup of hot chocolate to his angel. He said that they can start with small things to get back to normal eating habits or try to avoid connect religion with this whole thing. Crowley knew that he would stay beside his friend as long as he wanted to and as long as he needed to.
After all that, angel felt very sleepy. And Crowley was there, holding him and guarding.
Midnights become my afternoons.