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Remus Lupin is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.
That is what Sirius thinks, as he watches him sleep. He looks so peaceful like that, all bundled up in their shared bed, warm and safe under the blankets Sirius bought him as a birthday present.
Sirius can’t sleep, but that is nothing new. It has been a problem for him for as long as he can remember. The only thing that really helps is a small dose of dreamless sleep potion, but Remus is worried about the side effects. He is a sceptic about magical aid, says that treating symptoms rather than the root cause only makes the issue worse. Only takes pain potions after full moon, and never for mundane things such as headaches; small annoyances like that arguably feel like nothing compared to your body ripping itself apart.
Sirius trails his fingers across Remus’s cheeks, careful to not wake him up. This is the man he is going to marry one day, the only one that has seen the very worst of him and stayed. Most of the time Sirius can barely believe his luck.
Yes, Remus is exactly what Sirius deserves. He knows this, because Remus tells him that himself.
*
When Sirius opens his eyes again, Remus is awake. He has propped up the pillows against the wall and stares at the crossword puzzle, chewing on the pencil while he concentrates. He insists on not wanting help, but usually gives up at some point, letting Sirius to fill in the rest.
The morning light pours into their bedroom. Sirius gets up to give a kiss to his boyfriend, who abandons the paper to embrace him. One of the better days then - Remus strokes his hair gently.
“Did we have anything to do today?” Sirius asks, resting his head against Remus’s chest. He doesn’t think so, but he is prone to forgetting things. On countless occasions Remus has gotten annoyed with him, when Sirius can’t remember the things he has said or promised.
“Nothing, unless you are scheduled for some Order business I don’t know about.”
“I’m all clear, they are cutting some slack on me.” There had been several months of intense undercover work that Sirius had thrown himself into, really enjoying it at the time, but being so much away from home - away from Remus - had put a noticeable strain on their relationship. He is happy that it is over for now, and wants Remus to know it too. “I’m happy to be at home - I don’t think I could go for another week without kissing you.”
“I know you couldn’t - you’re handsy.”
“Oh and for you it is such an easy task?” Sirius asks playfully.
Remus raises his eyebrows. “It is pretty clear which one of us has better self control. I could easily go for a week without touching you.”
The words sting. Sirius retreats, like Remus’s skin is burning him all of a sudden. Alright, he can be a little clingy, that is true; sometimes touching other people seems to be the one thing that keeps him grounded and safe. James is the same, and he is always more than happy to let Sirius rest his head against his shoulder. They used to sleep in the same bed for years, until Remus said that he didn’t like that - for him it was a violation of the boundaries of their relationship.
They had fought about it, because Sirius did not understand what the big deal was.
“It is not like we are fucking or anything. Lily doesn’t mind it.”
“Well I am very sorry that I am not Lily”, Remus had snapped. “For most people it is quite obvious that you shouldn’t share a bed with someone else while you are in a relationship.”
In the end Sirius told James that he wanted to respect Remus, and would sleep in the guest bedroom from now on. Not that he stayed over very often anymore.
On the days when Remus drops his hand or tells him to stop touching me all the time, it is annoying, he really misses the way James would just wrap his arms around him like it is the easiest thing in the world for him.
Remus must notice that he has gone very quiet and solemn, because he gives Sirius a little shove and says: “Oh c’mon, that was just a joke. Don’t take it so seriously.”
*
Couple days later Sirius comes back from an Order meeting feeling like a dark cloud is hanging over him. He is relieved to find Remus at home, sipping tea in the kitchen like he usually does. Familiar sight brings comfort; Sirius collapses onto the chair and leans back until the front legs hang in the air.
“You look very cheerful today”, Remus marks with a sarcastic tone. Sirius groans, and runs his fingers through his hair.
“I got in another fight with Fenwick today. Fucking asshole.”
“What did you do this time?”
“I did not start it”, Sirius objects. “He just - started to make these weird accusations out of nowhere. You know how there was an attack in Brighton last week? One of the death eaters there was Regulus, and he pressed me about when I have been in contact with him for the last time. Doesn’t seem to believe it when I say that I have not talked to Regulus or any other member of my family in four years.”
He slams the chair back to the floor and looks at Remus with desperate eyes. “They don’t fucking trust me because I am a Black. No matter how much I try to prove to be different.”
Remus sighs impatiently. “Look, I love you. But sometimes I really wished you got your head out of your own arse.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Sirius can’t mask the edge of his voice, but Remus stays calm and pours himself another cup of tea before answering. “It is just… life has been really fucking easy for you, you know that, right? Despite the things that happened with your family. You never had to be hungry, or worry about your parents not having money. So maybe stop complaining about people being a little unfriendly with you.”
Scalding hot embarrassment pools into Sirius’s body. Remus doesn’t sound angry, the tone of his voice is kind; he just wants to remind Sirius to stop wallowing. It is truly his cardinal sin, the way he keeps carrying the past around and spiralling over the same things.
There is a part of him that wants to open up about it; explain to Remus that despite the grand exteriors, Grimmauld Place had been slowly rotting since Sirius was a child. Although never explicitly mentioned, Sirius did always understand that it was his responsibility to return the wealth and glory to the Black family. Only as an adult he has started to realise how heavily all the expectations weighed on him, but he doubts that Remus would understand the intricacies of the pureblood culture.
“It is not really that big of a deal, Sirius. It is not like people want to kill you because of your last name.”
“I know several people who would gladly see me dead”, Sirius points out, thinking about all the times he has heard the word blood traitor spit around like the worst poison. Remus doesn’t say anything for a while, just sips his tea. Maybe the conversation is over.
“You know that it is not true”, Remus says finally. “You could go back to your family, and they would gladly welcome you back.”
It would be nice to object, he could point out that he was officially disowned from the family. But all the letters telling him to come back - sometimes pleading, other times threatening him and all those who matter to him - give quite a different story. Sirius can’t explain why he keeps opening them instead of casting the envelopes into fire unsealed; maybe it is part of the whole making things more difficult than they ought to be.
His voice is quivering as he says: “I don’t want to go back there.” The mere thought is enough to make his stomach turn upside down. His worst fear is to come home to find his mother sitting in the living room.
Remus reaches out to stroke his hand. “Nobody is saying that you should. I am just pointing out how silly it is for you to be so worked up about it all the time. It’s really all in your head.”
He is right, of course, and it should calm Sirius down. But for some reason Remus’s soothing words just leave him with a feeling that he is screaming on top of his lungs but nobody is willing to listen.
*
Remus feels so cold and distant. Sirius is sure it is the war that is tearing them apart.
A little voice inside his brain tries to argue with his reasoning. Hasn’t Remus always been a bit like that - ever since they started to date, haven't there been periods when his eyes lose their warmth and he looks at Sirius like he is disappointed in everything they have built together?
He tries to shake the thoughts out of his head. Don’t be a fool , Sirius tells himself. Every couple fights from time to time. Remus puts up with so much - you know that you are not the easiest person in the world.
This is something he knows, because Remus has told it to him many times.
“You require so much work, Sirius.”
It is a miracle that he hasn’t walked out of Sirius’s life yet. There have been times when Remus has left him for days, refusing to tell where he has gone or if he will be back. Sometimes Sirius has not been sure if he is even alive - the uncertainty makes him unable to sleep or eat or think anything other than Remus being dead. But he always comes back, and the relief is enough to make Sirius forget what they were fighting about in the first place.
Usually he goes to James and Lily, although part of him hates it. It’s embarrassing enough that they know how sometimes Remus is so tired that he needs to flee from their shared life. Sirius is pretty sure that James and Lily have never gone to bed without resolving a conflict - they would not understand. But he has to go there, because sometimes being alone makes him fear that Remus will be the one to find a corpse.
Even worse is that they have started to talk badly about Remus because of it.
“It just seems like a really shitty thing to do”, Lily says. “Even if he is angry, he could at least let you know where he went.”
Sirius feels the hackles rising. “He doesn’t mean to do that. He is just - taking his time and space, I can’t really blame him for that.”
His friends are watching him in silence, faces full of complex emotions. Sirius thinks that they are having a telepathic conversation, and it makes him twitch nervously.
“You deserve someone who talks to you instead of running away when things get hard”, James says kindly. Sirius starts to play with his wand to get something to do with his hands.
“He always comes back though.” His voice is small and pathetic. He remembers feeling similar as a child, when his mum was angry and Sirius would wonder if she had stopped loving him. They all know how that one ended.
*
Remus has always been anxious about his werewolf form, the beast he turns into once a month. It took years of assuring before he believed that Sirius wasn’t afraid of him; he didn’t freak out if Remus scratched or bit him as a human. Even seeing the wolf for the first time didn’t waver his trust to the fact that Remus was good.
He has never noticed an increase of aggression around full moons, which is claimed to be rather normal for werewolves. On the contrary, Remus usually stays calm and collected; keeping himself bravely together until the transformation crashes through his body.
His bouts of anger are completely arbitrary. The only recurrent factor is that they only happen when they are alone.
It is not that Sirius is afraid of little slamming of the doors or breaking dishes when emotions ride high - not like he has never done that himself. Remus yelling at him for being such an impossible person to deal with is probably much healthier than just confining it all inside him. That is what he usually does; soaks it in, lets himself turn apathetic, bitter about it. Sirius knows this because Remus has talked extensively about how he is used to suppressing all his emotions so he wouldn’t burden others with it. How he just wants everyone to feel at ease around him.
Kind and gentle, that is how Remus is. Sirius is happy that he can lower his walls around him and let him see this other side - the much uglier part. It is an act of love even when the things Remus says feel like violence. He always apologises afterwards.
Sirius knows that growing up like he did has messed him up in many ways, given him chronic trust issues and made him sensitive to negative feedback. He is working on it, learning to understand that living through a borderline abusive childhood does not mean everyone has to walk on the eggshells around him. It would be unreasonable to ask that.
Nothing proves this better than the fleeting moments when a soft rabbit in his brain curls up to shield itself from not getting hit. Like Remus would ever do that to him - the thought is laughable. Nobody would ever believe Sirius if he told them that sometimes he is scared of Remus, his easy going and loving boyfriend. That’s how paranoid the war has made him. He really hates himself for it.