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Fat Amy doesn’t even know why she walks up to Bumper at initiation night, but she has his entire personality pegged in seconds. Former high school outcast and nerd who gets to be an a cappella god in college. Talks a big talk but can’t score with the ladies unless he hits at their self-esteem.
She doesn’t fall for that kind of shit though. He’s not even her type, really. She’s done much better than him before.
So she spends the rest of the night hanging with her Bellas or getting hair care tips from the female (and male) members of the Harmonics. Every now and then she catches Bumper looking at her, but she just rolls her eyes and goes back to whatever she was doing.
He tries to dance up on her during some Usher song, but Amy shimmies away and gets in a Bellas circle with Lily, Chloe and Stacie instead.
When the party starts to die down, he slides up next to her and says, “Come back to my place.”
Amy looks at him totally aghast. “I may be pissed as farts but I’m not stupid.”
Bumper is slurring his words to the point of near incoherence and it’s really unappealing, “I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means you’re going home alone.”
“Taaaaake my nuuuuuumber, Fat Amy. You know you want to.”
“Ohhhh, I’ve got your number.”
And she doesn’t mean his phone number.
♪ ♫ ♪
He gets her phone number somehow. She doesn’t ask how, but figures he probably suckered one of the other girls for it or sweet talked someone in the Barden Registrars Office.
Either way, it starts with a text.
For the first week, they talk only in song lyrics, just back and forth like a conversation, but using someone else’s words.
Then he starts sexting her. It is straight up dirty and a little weird.
And damn does she like it.
♪ ♫ ♪
A few hours before the riff-off, he texts her, “I’m gonna look so sexy tonight, you won’t be able to resist me anymore.”
So Amy texts back, “Not possible. You are the least sexy person I’ve ever met.”
He answers, “Ditto.”
So when she whips out her middle finger in the middle of “No Diggity”, she makes sure he knows it’s for him.
The Bellas are mad when they lose because of some arbitrary rule that no one had even heard of. Really mad. Aubrey goes home, but the rest go to Chloe’s off-campus apartment to drown their sorrows in some cheap wine coolers.
She’s not drunk when she shows up at Bumper’s door at 2 a.m., she’s not even really buzzed anymore, not after walking all the way across campus in the cold air. It actually makes her regret it more later when she can’t even claim to have been out of her wits when she made this decision.
Bumper answers the door in a pair of pajamas with roosters all over them. It’s the most attractive she has ever found him and it could not have happened at a better time.
“I knew you would come around eventually.”
She pushes past him and into the empty living room. “Shut up.”
He makes a motion with his hand over his heart like she’s said something romantic but Amy just rolls her eyes and takes her jacket off.
“If we’re going to do this thing, I have one condition.”
“Mmm. You wanna be on top? Bottom? Side by side? Reverse cowgirl? Little Red Corvette?”
“That last one is just a Prince song. And no. First off, this is a one time thing only.”
Bumper tugs at the collar of his pajamas and grins. “You say that now, but my audiences always want an encore.”
“Second condition is that you tell no one that we shagged.”
“Because you don’t want to be kicked out of the Bellas?”
Amy sort of waves her head side to side as she answers, “Wellllll, yes, but mostly I don’t want anyone to know I got bored enough to sleep with you.”
Bumper doesn’t look all that insulted as he considers her proposal. He takes a moment then steps forward, unbuttons the top button of his rooster pajamas and says, “Fair enough.”
She swears to herself it will be the first and only time.
It is most decidedly not.
♪ ♫ ♪
The night of regionals and the fight with The Tonehangers, she gets about ten texts from Bumper just while they’re waiting for Beca to come back to her dorm. They start off like his usual crap: insulting and filled with innuendo. The last one is a completely out-of-character compliment on her solo and her first thought is, “Oh hell no.”
She finally texts him back after she leave Beca’s room and tells him to meet her at her dorm in twenty minutes. Her roommate is away for the weekend so they’re all alone when Bumper arrives a full fifteen minutes late.
“Bumperrrr,” she says with disappointment in her voice.
“What?”
“That last message?”
“Whaaaat? I meant it. I may have booed it in the auditorium but that solo was –“
Amy puts her hand up in a halting motion. “Stoooooop.”
If he’s nice to her, she might start to like him, and if she starts to like him, he might get the upper hand and that just doesn’t work for her.
She makes sure the door is locked and then nods in his direction, “Just shut up and take your clothes off.”
“Sometimes I think you only like me for my body.”
Amy looks him up and down and shrugs. “Ehhhh.”
The meaner she is to him, the better the sex is. Guys like him always work harder when they feel like they have something to prove.
♪ ♫ ♪
She cuts him off a few days before semi-finals because it’s starting to feel like they’re in a relationship. A hidden secret relationship in which they don’t really go out on dates but they do stay in and sometimes they actually have conversations before and after the sex.
A relationship is not what she wants, so she cuts him off. And just because she thinks he’ll understand it better in aca-speak, she does the clapping and hand motions they do when you get cut off at a Riff-Off.
He looks genuinely disappointed and she finds out just how disappointed when she gets hit square in the chest with a burrito.
The worst part is she ends up having to ask him for a favor, but she goes outside and leaves the other girls on the bus while she calls him.
“Oh, hey, Fat Amy.”
“Bumperrrr.”
“I sincerely regret that I… let go of that sweet ass burrito.”
Even cleaned up, all she can smell is refried beans all over her and it’s so tempting to just hang up the phone but the Bellas need her.
“Forget about the burrito. We need a ride and you have a bus.”
“And why would we help you?”
“Because if you don’t, then I’ll tell your Trebles about all the weird sex things you like.”
“They won’t believe you.”
Amy laughs and counters, “They’ll believe the video when I mass e-mail it to the whole student body.”
She hears him sigh on the other end and then finally, “Shit. Fine. I’ll have Donald turn the bus around. Be there in twenty.”
Amy sticks her phone back in her jacket with a satisfied smile just as Beca exits the bus and gives her an expectant look.
“They’ll be here soon.”
“So burrito bomb, huh? What did you do? Stop hooking up with him?”
Amy’s jaw drops a little and she starts to stammer, “But – nooo – I wouldn’t – how – fine, how did you know?”
“Your phone accidentally dialed me one night when you were – uhh –“ Beca suddenly looks haunted by the memory of it. “I heard too much.”
“Oh. Sorry ‘bout that. You’re not going to tell Aubrey, are you?”
Beca shakes her head immediately. “Oh God no. So what are you going to do now?”
Amy takes a deep breath in and stands tall. “Get my revenge.”
They’re walking back to the door of the bus when Beca says, “Oh, by the way. I meant to ask, what’s an 'Audience With the Pope'. Like a sex thing?”
“Whaaaat? Where did you hear that?”
There’s a beat of silence and Beca immediately looks sorry she asked. Amy just smiles innocently and gently pushes her to the steps of the bus as she says, “Ahhhh. Don’t worry about it.”
♪ ♫ ♪
They’re coming back from their first post-Spring Break rehearsal when they run into Barb from the Harmonics in the parking lot. She can’t contain herself so she tells them all about how Bumper left for Los Angeles to record with John Mayer.
The Bellas immediately start chattering about what this means for the finals and who they’ll replace him with and so on, except for Beca who grabs a smugly smiling Amy by the arm and pulls her away from the rest of the group.
“You had something to do with this, didn’t you?”
“I did two things during spring break. Hang out by the pool with super hot guys and get my revenge against Bumper.”
“What did you do? Wait, you didn’t date John Mayer, did you? I’ve gotten to the point that nothing about you would surprise me. ”
“Please. I do have some standards.” She leans in a little closer to Beca and talks low, “My dad is like really really important back in Australia and I called some friends of his in the music industry and they faked a call from John Mayer’s assistant.”
Beca looks really impressed. “But won’t he get there and figure it out right away?”
“They set up a fake studio and recording sessions, so he’ll be there at least a week or two before he figures it out. By the time he does, he’ll be too embarrassed to come back.”
“You are an evil genius and I hope I never do anything to piss you off.”
“Damn right.”
♪ ♫ ♪
The day after they win Nationals, she gets a phone call from Bumper. He doesn’t bother greeting her or even wait for her to say hello. “So, fake studio sessions? I don’t know whether to hate you or ask how you pulled it off.”
“I think you meant to say – congrats on your stunning upset at the ICCAs!”
“Yeah, I heard you Bellas finally got your shit together.”
That’s close enough to a congratulations coming from him. “Yeahhhh, you should have seen it, but I guess you were busy recording backup vocals for a John Mayer album that doesn’t exist.”
“Hey Amy, do me a favor and lose this number.”
“You called me, not the other way around.”
He huffs angrily and then hangs up on her. She flirts with the idea of deleting his number for a moment and then says to herself, “Nahhh, better not.”