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After Christopher left, Eddie’s life fell apart even more than it had when Shannon died. When she died, Eddie still had a child to throw his all into caring for. He couldn’t let himself be distracted by his own grief, his own needs, or what his mind and body were urging him to escape into. He had already spent years learning how to ignore those needs after his relationship had fallen apart anyway, he’d barely had any time to enjoy it when they’d rekindled the dying embers after they had reunited in L.A.
Shannon had been his safe haven. She had been the one to help Eddie discover more about himself, helped him to accept himself, and gave him free rein to explore their budding dynamic. When Shannon had asked him to start calling her Mommy before Chris was even a thought in their heads, he had been hesitant and embarrassed, but quickly found himself taking to the role favorably.
They had expanded their dynamic bit by bit, going especially slow after Christopher was born, and it had left Eddie feeling entirely lost when he woke up one morning with his wife gone and his son curled up against his back. He’d been able to ignore his needs up until the point Shannon had reentered their lives, and even if he couldn’t bring himself to let her see Chris again right away, it had been so easy for the two of them to pick up right where they had left off. Shannon had picked up her caregiver role easily, and Eddie had basked in the floaty feeling of being able to enter his Little headspace again.
When Shannon died, Eddie’s entire world collapsed. More than a best friend, more than a mother to his child, Eddie had lost his partner and the only person who had ever known everything about him. He had taken a long time to grieve; for himself, sure, but mostly for his son, who would go through the rest of his life clinging to shards of childhood memories of a mother he’d barely known.
As he was pressured back into dating, he swore he would tamp down on any urges to be little. He wanted to keep his dynamic safe in his memories, unspoiled by any negative experiences or the fear of broaching the topic with other partners who would judge him. Things were fine with Ana until the insinuation of her being Christopher’s mother. He was doing fine with Marisol, maybe even more than fine given her more dominant tendencies. Maybe he really could have built something with her. Then Kim came along and Eddie’s carefully constructed walls came crumbling down around him.
He’d ruined everything. His son wasn’t speaking to him, and Eddie was on the verge of breaking down. Then Christopher left and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. The night Christopher left, after Buck had grudgingly gone home, Eddie allowed the tide of emotions to overtake him. He brought down the small box of comfort items that hid at the back of the top shelf in his closet, and pulled out the stuffed German Shepherd and the small blue-green baby blanket Shannon had bought for him before she died. She had told him it was a reward for being such a brave boy, moving on without his Mommy, and being such a good father to their son. He had brought the items into the living room, pulled the larger blanket off the back of the couch, and settled himself on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. He had always liked tucking himself up into smaller spaces when he was feeling little and lost and scared.
That’s how Tommy had found him nearly two hours later after letting himself into the house with his emergency copy of Eddie’s key. Eddie didn’t have time to feel embarrassed, or even fully leave his headspace, before Tommy was dropping to his knees in front of Eddie and pulling him into his arms, pressing Eddie’s tear-stained face into the crook of his neck. Nearly being shocked out of his littlespace had left Eddie reeling, and he tried shoving his blanket and Shepherd under the couch to hide them, but Tommy had stopped him calmly, praising him for knowing what he needed to soothe himself, telling him he was safe, that he could let go if he needed to. Eddie had fallen asleep in Tommy’s arms, clutching his stuffie and his blanket to his chest.
When he woke up a few hours later, Tommy was still seated on the floor with him, fast asleep with his head tipped back against the couch cushions. It couldn’t have been comfortable, and Eddie had apologized profusely when the older man woke at Eddie’s movements. Tommy had assured him that it was fine, he had wanted to help Eddie in any way he could, and was happy to have been able to provide what he needed. Following that had been an incredibly awkward conversation about whether Eddie was getting his needs met, what he needed from his partner when he was feeling little, and if, perhaps, Tommy could help him down into littlespace when Eddie was feeling that particular need.
Tommy had been shocked when Eddie admitted he hadn’t been put down properly since Shannon died, and really hadn’t embraced any of those needs on his own for the same amount of time. Tommy asked him more questions: how young he regresses to (four years old, Eddie told him shyly), what activities he enjoys when he’s in that headspace, how often he feels the need to be little (Eddie’s immediate answer of ‘not very often’ was met with a stern look and a raised brow, resulting in a slightly stilted admittance of ‘maybe twice a week’), and ended with a brainstorming of ideas on how Tommy could best help him. They had agreed to take things slow, but still start things off strong through regular communication, even if they couldn’t physically meet up as often as they wanted.
Tommy stayed for the rest of the night, not even having to be asked. He encouraged Eddie to show him the contents of his box, which still held a sippy cup, his coloring books and crayons, and a few little toy soldiers. Together, they got Eddie’s baby blanket folded and settled back in the box, and Tommy placed the box back onto the shelf before getting Eddie settled for bed, the German Shepherd tucked under the blankets, still cuddled in Eddie’s arms. Instead of leaving to sleep on the couch, Tommy stole one of the extra pillows from Eddie’s bed and made himself as comfortable as possible on the floor, right next to Eddie’s bed, wrapped in the blanket from the living room. Eddie hadn’t been able to verbalize how grateful he was to Tommy that night, but he had a feeling Tommy understood.
Over the next few weeks, as things began to settle, Tommy and Eddie made a point of finding time for just the two of them, more often than not spent in the safety of the Diaz house. They still found time to hang out with Buck and keep the other man’s questions at bay, but it was nice being able to build that routine together. Eddie was able to experience what it was like being put down by Tommy twice, and during the weeks they couldn’t get together, Tommy often gave Eddie tasks to follow throughout the week to keep his mind occupied, found reasons to praise him, and helped him carve out time to indulge in his preferred activities. Tommy was an amazing caregiver. He never made Eddie question himself, never asked too much of him, and was able to provide the structure, discipline, and praise that Eddie had been missing.
A number of months passed like this. Christopher decided to start school in El Paso, which nearly broke Eddie’s heart. He had been holding out hope that Chris would be ready to come home by the end of the summer break. Tommy’s shift schedule changed and made it more difficult for them to find time to get together, and fall was starting to seem like the season for planned social gatherings. The Grant-Nash house was finally finished, and Athena and Bobby had invited the extended 118 family over for a cookout to celebrate. Buck invites Eddie and Tommy to the birthday party Connor and Kameron are holding for the baby Buck helped create. Hen and Karen host a party to officially announce Mara’s adoption.
Before either of them realized it, it had been over a month since Tommy was last able to properly take Eddie down, and Eddie was really starting to feel the strain. Eddie starts finding himself slipping in and out of his headspace when he’s alone at the house. There are days he ends up not eating because he doesn’t feel capable of making food for himself. The German Shepherd is now a near-constant presence in his bed. He can’t sleep without the feeling of the weighted blanket Tommy bought for him. He catches himself staring longingly at his phone screen, knowing Tommy is insanely busy at work, but still hoping to see a new message come through so he doesn’t have to feel so lonely.
When it starts happening while he’s on shift at the firehouse, Eddie begins to panic. He’s adopting a more childish manner of speaking and dealing with his closest teammates and often has to excuse himself to the bunk room to collect his thoughts and shake himself back into reality. He knows he should tell Tommy about the slips, really he does, but Tommy has been so busy and so kind, and Eddie doesn’t want to bother him. Besides, he’s gone far longer without needing to indulge, so why should this time be any different?
He lets it continue like that for a week too long.
~
The 118 is called to the scene of a horrible car accident. A teen driver and a mother traveling with her young daughter were involved in a head-on collision, and the mother died on impact. The teenage boy was rushed away in the 118’s ambulance with life-threatening injuries and wasn’t expected to make it. The little girl, who couldn’t have been older than five, was pulled from the wreck with a mangled leg and a long, deep gash on one of her arms. She was screaming and sobbing and begging for her mother.
As both Hen and Chimney were needed to tend to the other victim and were headed to the hospital already, Eddie was the one who was tasked with giving the girl medical aid. He tried his best to keep her attention away from the wreck of the car where her mother’s body was still being extracted and fell back on the basics. Splint the leg as carefully as he could and try not to hate himself for how much pain it was causing her. Treat the open wound on her arm and apply clean bandages. Keep her occupied as they waited on a second RA unit that had been deployed from another firehouse.
After the girl had been securely loaded in the second ambulance and the coroner had arrived to collect the mother’s body, the remaining members of the 118 made their way back to the station. The mood was incredibly somber and no one spoke.
When they get back, Buck and Bobby head upstairs to make lunch. Eddie doesn’t think anyone is particularly hungry, but he knows Buck needs something to focus on when he’s in distress, and Bobby is probably going along to provide direction and support. Eddie excuses himself to the bunk room. He can feel his control slipping with each step he takes.
He thinks of Shannon and the car that hit ( killed ) her. He thinks of Christopher, asking where his mother was. He thinks of the little girl who was so terrified, crying out for a mother who could no longer answer. His thoughts drift further, and he can do nothing to stop them. He feels disconnected from his body; his mind is lost and drifting further away from reality. He feels fuzzy, but not the safe kind of fuzzy, more like a staticky television that can’t connect to a channel properly. He drops himself into the back corner of the room, curling up against the walls and scratching his nails down his arms, leaving raised red lines in their wake.
Buck comes looking for him a little while later, rushing over to his friend in a panic when he sees the state Eddie’s in, and Eddie startles badly. Distantly, he knows this is something Buck shouldn’t be seeing. This is something private that exists only between Eddie and Shannon - but that’s not right either. No, it’s between Eddie and Tommy. Not Eddie and Buck, definitely not Eddie and Buck. Eddie begins hyperventilating, choking on wet sobs that are forcing their way out of his chest. Buck says something about going to find Bobby or Chimney, and Eddie’s hand shoots out to fist in Buck’s t-shirt, his head shaking back and forth wildly. Buck holds both hands up placatingly.
“Okay, Eds,” he says, voice more of a forced calm than anything. “No Bobby, and no Chimney. What about Hen?” Eddie shakes his head again. No one else can see him like this. Buck gives him an anxious look. “I don’t know how to help you, Eds. Can you breathe for me?”
Eddie tries, but it’s jagged and shallow. A word flits across his mind, one he’d never thought of before, let alone voiced, but he’s not entirely surprised.
Daddy.
Eddie reaches for his phone that had hit the floor about a foot away from him, but Buck seems to be two steps ahead. The younger man pulls out his own phone, swiping the screen open and tapping a few times, then looks up at Eddie, eyes still wide with panic and concern.
“Tommy, right?” Eddie’s not sure how Buck knew that, but that was something he could figure out later. At the mention of Tommy’s name, the vice squeezing Eddie’s chest loosens just a bit, and Eddie can suck in a full, gasping breath that releases as a deeper sob. He raises a fist to his mouth, biting down on the skin even as he nods. Tommy answers Buck’s call on the third ring, his voice coming across the speaker groggy and sleep-heavy, but still pleasant enough.
“Hey, Buck,” he says around a yawn, “what’s up? Aren’t you on -”
Eddie can no longer contain the sound of his sobs, a sense of relief washing over him just from being able to hear Tommy’s voice.
“Tommy, I’m sorry, I didn’t know who else to call and -”
“Where are you?” Tommy’s voice is suddenly much more direct, more urgent, as he cuts off Buck’s rambling.
“The firehouse, but I - Tommy, what’s going on with him?” Buck’s speech is faster and pitched slightly higher than normal, betraying his fear and uncertainty.
“Listen to me,” Tommy says, “don’t touch him right now, and don’t let anyone else near him. Get him into a quiet room if you can.” There’s the sound of rustling fabric on the other end of the line.
“We’re in the bunkroom,” Buck tells him.
“Good. I’m on my way, stay there until I get there.” Eddie can pick out the jingling sound of Tommy’s car keys and the slam of a door in the background. “Eddie?” Eddie forces himself to quiet his cries enough to pay attention to what Tommy is saying. “I’m on my way, okay? I’ll be there as soon as I can. Try to breathe for me. I can’t stay on the phone with you while I’m driving, but you’ve got Buck there to keep you company, okay?” Buck nods emphatically at that, and Eddie starts to calm down.
“‘Kay, Tommy.” It comes out as more of a hiccup, but Eddie knows Tommy is smiling, even if he can’t see it.
“Good,” he says again, “I have to go now, but I’ll be there soon. Keep breathing.” Then the call ends and Eddie’s tether to his caregiver is cut off.
~
Tommy nearly speeds the entire way to the 118’s firehouse. He’s certain he’s broken a couple of traffic laws, and the first responder in him is screaming at him, telling him this is how people get into accidents, but he can’t bring himself to care. He’s thinking back on the past few months of his developing relationship with Eddie. Things had been going so well, what had happened? The last time he had brought Eddie down…
It hits him then. It had been weeks since Eddie had gone down properly, maybe even nearing a month and a half at this point. He berates himself for not keeping a schedule. Thinking on it further, he realizes that Eddie had been subtly pulling away from him as their shift schedules continued to pass each other by, as their social calendar was filled more often than not, and as their dynamic began to take a backseat to the rest of their lives. Eddie had been asking for less and less recently, and Tommy had let it slide. He had been relieved every time Eddie claimed he was fine and didn’t need much from Tommy. Knowing Eddie’s history with his self-care, that should have been a bright red flag.
“Come on,” he growls at the car in front of him, his fingers tapping the steering wheel in agitation. Twenty agonizing minutes later, he pulls into the lot of the station, throws his car in park, and jumps out, making a beeline for the bunkroom once he enters the firehouse. He doesn’t pay enough attention to know if anyone spots him; he wouldn’t have stopped for them if they had.
Tommy throws the door open and Buck shoots up from his seated position on the cot in the far corner, whirling around to face the intruder and purposely adjusting his stance to shield most of Eddie from sight. He relaxes as he recognizes Tommy, but the older man is already striding further into the room, his eyes zeroed in on the tight ball of Eddie’s form curled up on the floor in the corner.
“He hasn’t said a word since the call ended,” Buck supplies, and Tommy nods, crouching down in front of Eddie, refraining from reaching out to touch him the way his entire being is craving to.
“Hey, Buck? Can you give us a minute?” Buck shifts uncomfortably on his feet, clearly upset at the thought of leaving his friend like this. “Don’t go too far, I’m going to need you to sit with him for another minute while I go talk to your captain, but please?”
Buck’s tense shoulders drop just the slightest bit. “Yeah, sure,” he says, moving toward the door and out of the room, closing it softly behind him. Tommy drops all pretenses as soon as they’re alone, his hands shooting out and stopping just short of touching Eddie.
“Eddie? Baby, can you look at me, please?” Eddie lifts his head and Tommy’s heart breaks at the red-rimmed watery eyes that can’t quite meet his gaze. “There you are, sweet boy,” Tommy soothes, “that’s a good job, thank you for listening. I need you to be a big boy right now and let me know if I can touch you.” It was one of the things Tommy had learned after that first night. Eddie wasn’t particularly fond of unexpected touch. When Eddie had been able to articulate his thoughts, he’d told Tommy about how the women he’d been with after Shannon had constantly had a need to have their hands on him. Marisol had often used it as a way to assert her dominance, and it had the effect of dragging Eddie down into that mindset before he was truly willing to submit.
Here, Tommy held his hands out, both palms facing Eddie so he could see them approaching if he gave Tommy permission.
“Please,” Eddie whispers, nodding his head once. Tommy reaches out slowly and cups one of Eddie’s tear-stained cheeks, brushing his thumb over the cheekbone.
“Thank you for telling me, baby. Good job using your words, too.” Tommy smiles at him. His little boy was clearly scared and upset right now, but he was doing his best to follow Tommy’s directions and communicate with him. “We’re going to get you home, sweetheart, but I need to go talk to your captain first. That means you have to be a big boy for just a little longer, think you can do that?” Eddie whimpers and wraps a shaking fist around Tommy’s wrist. “I know, sweet boy, I know, but I’m going to have Buck come back in and keep you company while I do, is that okay?”
This time, Eddie sniffles, but nods, reaching up with his free hand to wipe at his face. “Sorry, Tommy,” he mumbles.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Tommy says, stern, but kind. He leans forward to press a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head. “You’re being so brave right now, I’m proud of you. I’m going to go for a minute so we can get you home, but Buck is right outside, and I know he’s anxious to see you.” He squeezes Eddie’s hand and stands up, walking to the door and opening it to peek his head outside.
He’s not surprised to find Buck just a few feet away, obviously trying to give them privacy, but needing to hover close in case he’s needed. Tommy smiles, eternally grateful that Eddie has such a good friend looking out for him.
“Hey,” he calls, startling Buck from his daze. “I need to go talk to your captain. Eddie’s still having a bit of a hard time right now, but he’ll be okay. Do you think you could sit with him for a few more minutes?”
Buck seems to deflate at the calm tone of Tommy’s voice. Clearly, Eddie wasn’t in any immediate danger. “Yeah, of - of course I can. Bobby should still be upstairs in the kitchen.”
They switch places, and Tommy jogs up the stairs in search of the man in question. He finds Bobby at the oven, putting the finishing touches on what must be their lunch.
“Kinard,” Bobby greets with surprise, “I wasn’t aware we would be having a lunch guest. I hope lasagna is okay with you.”
“I’m going to have to take a raincheck on lunch, sir,” Tommy says as he nears the kitchen island, “and so is Eddie.”
Bobby’s eyes furrow in confusion. “Eddie? Is he okay?” The older man sets the baking pan of broiled cheese and pasta down on the stovetop, stripping off his oven mitts and moving like he’s going to head down the stairs to see for himself. Tommy steps in front of him, hands raised.
“Physically, yes, he’s fine. I gather you guys had a really bad call today, and he’s struggling pretty hard with it. He’s not in a place where he can stay and finish the shift, it would be a safety hazard.” Bobby’s eyebrows shoot up in concern and he takes another aborted step forward.
“If he’s struggling, then he should go see-”
“I’ll work on getting him to therapy after he’s in a better mindset. Please,” Tommy isn’t going to mess around with Eddie’s privacy right now, “let me take him home and get him settled for now. I’ll talk to him about scheduling an appointment with Frank tomorrow, but he needs to feel safe right now, and being on call isn’t going to help.”
Bobby seems like he wants to argue, he’s still shifting on his feet like he’s ready to push past Tommy to check on Eddie himself, but Tommy can see the moment he relents.
“Alright, get him home safely. Tell him I’ll get someone from B shift to cover for him tomorrow, and advise him to go see Frank. It,” Bobby pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts, “it was a really bad call. Don’t let him be alone tonight if you can help it. I would ask Buck, but it seems like you’ve got a handle on this.”
Tommy nods, and Bobby turns back to his meal preparations without another word. Tommy returns to the bunkroom quietly, slipping in through the door and closing it silently behind him. Buck has reclaimed his spot, sitting on the bed in the far corner, and Eddie is still curled up in a ball on the floor, but his body language is much less tense than when Tommy first arrived. Buck is quietly reading something from his phone to Eddie, who looks like he’s about ready to fall asleep on the hard linoleum tiles. Buck stops reading and looks up as Tommy approaches them.
“We’re going to head home,” he informs Buck, “thank you for sitting with him.”
Buck looks sullenly back at his friend, shaking his head. “I don't think it helped much,” he says softly. Tommy pats him on the shoulder.
“I think it did more than you know. Will you help me get him out to the car? He looks like he's just about to fall asleep.” Buck’s quick to stand up from the bed, tucking his phone into the back pocket of his slacks.
“Yeah, sure,” he says easily, waiting for Tommy's cue to approach Eddie.
Tommy bends down in front of the other man. “Eddie,” he calls softly, “it's time to get up, we're going to get you home, okay?” Eddie rouses from his doze, his gaze meeting Tommy's and he nods and shifts his body to begin the process of standing up. Tommy helps get him on his feet, wrapping his arm around Eddie's waist to steady him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keys, handing them over to Buck. “Mind getting the door?”
Buck sets off and leads them out to Tommy's car without incident. Tommy indicates the passenger side, and Buck unlocks the car and steps to the side, holding the door open as Tommy maneuvers Eddie into the seat and buckles him in. Tommy steps back and Buck carefully shuts the door, taking care not to hit Eddie with it. Tommy holds out his hand for his keys, but Buck hesitates. He seems to contemplate his words carefully before voicing them.
“You knew what was happening, didn't you,” he starts slowly, “you know what's wrong with Eddie.” Tommy had been prepared to deal with a scared and confused little, but he wasn't quite as confident dealing with the scared, confused, and over-protective best friend.
“I did,” he says, not denying Buck’s accusations, but not expanding on them, either.
“And you won't tell me what's going on?” Buck looks a little put-out, a little lost, and very much in over his head. He drops the keys into Tommy's palm.
“It's not my place to,” Tommy says simply. “If Eddie feels like he's ready to share this with you, then he will. But you're not going to pressure him,” Tommy adds sternly, “if he decides to tell you, he'll do it in his own time.”
Buck sighs, but nods, as if he'd been expecting an answer like that. “Please take care of him,” he says quietly.
Tommy pats him on the shoulder again, watching Buck move away before rounding the car to the driver's side and climbing in. He starts the car and eases them out onto the street before sliding his hand over to Eddie's where it rests in his lap. Eddie turns his palm up and clings to Tommy's hand tightly. Neither one lets go the entire ride to the Diaz house.
~
After they’ve parked in the empty driveway, it takes a minute for Eddie to be able to release Tommy’s hand. He had been holding it so tightly that the pads of his fingers have turned white from the pressure, and his knuckles ache as he stretches out his fingers. There are red marks over the back of Tommy’s hand and Eddie pets them apologetically, already starting to feel bad for hurting his Daddy’s hand. There was that word again. Eddie had never used the word Daddy in his entire life, not even in reference to himself with Christopher while he was growing up, but something about it being connected to Tommy just felt right.
Tommy brushes his fingers over the back of Eddie’s hand, bringing him back to the moment.
“Are you ready to get out of the car, sweetheart?” Tommy is showing an incredible amount of patience with Eddie, and the part of his brain that was telling him to stay big is beyond grateful. The part that wanted to be little was starting to win out, though.
He manages to force out a quiet “Ready,” and Tommy squeezes his hand.
“Stay there for a minute, okay,” Tommy instructs, “I’ll come around and help you get out.” Eddie nods, more than willing to fall into the role of taking orders rather than making decisions for himself. He’s slipping further into his headspace but knows he needs to let Tommy help him get into the house before he can fully let go. It wouldn’t do to have the neighbors seeing him like this. The door opening beside him makes him jump, but Tommy’s hand is quickly soothing him, warm and firm as it rubs down the length of his arm. “Come on, baby,” Tommy whispers between them, “let’s get you into the house, okay?”
Eddie lets Tommy guide him out of the car and lead him up the front step to the door. He stands there patiently as Tommy fumbles with his keys, finding the little black-painted one that goes to Eddie’s front door. Eddie finally lets the final wall drop as soon as they’re tucked safely in the house with the door closed and locked behind them. No longer needing to keep himself big, he lets the pent-up emotions overwhelm him. The tears start, and there’s nothing he can do to stop them.
Tommy pulls him into a crushing hug, pressing Eddie’s face into his shoulder with a hand at the back of his head, cradling him there as the sobs begin to break from his chest. Tommy's fingers card gently through Eddie's hair as he presses a kiss to his temple.
“It's okay, baby,” Tommy murmurs softly, “you're okay. We're going to get you taken care of, I promise. God, Eddie, I'm so sorry.”
Eddie, who is still clinging desperately to his adult headspace, pulls back from Tommy's embrace, confusion coloring his expression. “What are you sorry for? I'm the one who had a breakdown at work. Who needed you to come and get me. I should be the one apologizing for bothering you on your day off.” The last part comes out a little muffled and much more quietly as Eddie drops his gaze to the floor, guilt clawing its way up from his stomach to lodge in his throat.
“Hey, now,” Tommy says, dropping to his knees in front of Eddie, taking his hands and forcing eye contact again. “First of all, you are never a bother, Edmundo. Never. I will keep telling you that as many times as it takes for you to believe it. Secondly, you’ve been feeling the need to be little for a while now, haven’t you?” He waits for Eddie to nod reluctantly before continuing, “I should have paid more attention to how long it had been, and I should have pushed harder when you said you were fine. Even big boys need to be taken care of sometimes. That is nothing you ever have to apologize for.”
Tommy’s words are so heartfelt and sincere that Eddie can’t help but believe them. He nods again, sniffling a little, but his tears have dried up now. Tommy smiles at him and squeezes his hands, carefully getting to his feet again.
“Do you want to start now, or do you need a little more time being big first?” Eddie has to think about that for a minute, but really, he knows what his answer is. He can feel the blurry haze edging closer at the fringes of his mind, has been fighting it for weeks now. There’s just one last thing he needs before he can let himself go.
“Tommy?” His voice is small and unsure, even to his own ears.
“What is it, sweetheart?” Tommy runs his thumb over the back of one of Eddie’s hands, soothing him.
“Would you-” he has to pause and gather his courage, “would it be okay if, if I called you by something other than your name?” He winces, he had definitely meant to be more straightforward than that. He can sense Tommy’s confusion, but the older man doesn’t seem put off by it.
“Like what, love?” He’s seeking eye contact, but Eddie can’t give it to him, too embarrassed by what he needs to ask.
“In my head, when I was thinking about you earlier,” Eddie takes a deep breath, then rushes out the rest, “I thought of you as my Daddy, not just Tommy.” He sees Tommy’s eyes widen a little in surprise and lets his own fall closed, not feeling brave enough to watch Tommy’s reaction. “Is that… okay?”
“Baby, will you open your eyes and look at me, please?” Eddie does so, raising his head to be able to see Tommy’s face. There’s a soft, genuine smile gracing his lips. “Eddie, I have been waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to call me that for a while now, but I was never going to push you if you didn’t feel comfortable. I would be absolutely honored if you want to call me your Daddy.”
Eddie feels a huge weight lift from his chest, and the not-so-gentle tugging at his mind grows even more insistent. He leans forward and presses his face into Tommy's chest, feeling incredibly safe and cared for when the older man immediately brings his arms up to wrap Eddie in a tight embrace. Now that he's been given permission, Eddie wants to test the word on his tongue again.
“Daddy,” he starts, still hesitant and shy. When Tommy hums his acknowledgment, Eddie continues, “Can we start now? I think I need to be little for a while.”
Tommy's hand comes up to cradle the back of Eddie's head and he squeezes Eddie in his arms for a moment. “Of course we can, sweetheart. Here's what we’re going to do.” Tommy knows Eddie much prefers to be directed when he's in his littlespace, or at least likes to have his choices narrowed down so the options aren't so overwhelming. “We’re going to get you settled in the living room with some pillows and a movie. I was thinking either Aladdin or Fantasia 2000, do you know which one you want?”
Eddie thinks about it for all of five seconds. While he loves Aladdin (Genie in particular, of course), he's more in the mood for background music to color to and cute whales. “‘Tasia,” he says softly. Tommy smiles at him.
“Okay, Fantasia it is. While you're watching that, I'm going to get your coloring books and your Shepherd down from the closet. Do you want your blanket, too?” Eddie nods, he'll take any form of comfort he can get right now. “I'll bring that out, too, then. We'll get you in some pajamas and go from there, sound like a plan?”
“Yeah!” Eddie can feel his mind slipping further away from him as Tommy details their plan, and he's happy to let go. Tommy pauses before they start moving, thinking over what he'd said.
“You know what, Daddy’s being silly. Let's go into the bedroom together, do you think you could help me carry everything out to the living room?” Eddie giggles, even if he's not entirely sure why it's funny. But Tommy called himself Daddy and said he was being silly, so it must have been something to laugh at, right?
“I can help!” Eddie loved feeling useful.
“Perfect, thank you, baby,” Tommy takes his hand and they head to Eddie's bedroom.
~
Tommy sets about getting Eddie dressed in the pajamas that the younger man had worn to bed the night before. He knows there will likely be a bath at some point that night, it helps both him and Eddie feel closer to each other, not to mention cleaning the grime off of Eddie's skin from the call earlier. He pulls clean pajama pants and a clean shirt from Eddie's dresser, setting them off to the side for later.
“Arms up,” Tommy instructs, and Eddie quickly follows the directive, raising his arms up over his head and letting Tommy pull his soiled LAFD t-shirt off. His dusty pants follow, Tommy would have to remember to throw those in the washer after he gets Eddie settled with the movie. Tommy bends down to help Eddie get his sweatpants on, tapping one leg, and then the next as Eddie lifts his feet and steps into the legs of the pants. Tommy pulls the soft fabric up to his hips and over his boxers, tugging the drawstring so the pants would stay up, but not too tight that they wouldn't be comfortable. Next was the loose Henley that Eddie favored for bed.
“Alright,” Tommy says as he tugs the shirt down over Eddie's stomach, “we can check off pajamas from our list. Do you remember what else we needed?” He watches Eddie's face scrunch up as he thinks about it.
“Pillows and blankie and doggy and books and crayons!” He ticks them off on his fingers, looking proudly up at Tommy when he manages to remember each item.
“Good job, sweet boy,” Tommy says warmly as he reaches into the top of the closet to bring down Eddie’s box. He sets the cardboard box down on the bed and lets Eddie pull the folded flaps open. Tommy pulls out the stuffed animal at the top of the box and the neatly folded blanket beneath it and hands both items to Eddie, who crushes them to his chest in a tight hug. “Two more items to check off our list,” Tommy continues chatting idly as he rummages through the box to pull out two of Eddie’s coloring books.
He doesn’t want to give his boy too many options; that tends to overwhelm him, but he also wants Eddie to be able to pick between a color-by-number - something a little more mindless that gives him direction - or pictures that let him choose his own colors, but have bigger spaces and less detail - something Eddie likes when he just wants to scribble a bit and see the pretty colors he chose smear across the paper.
Tommy hands Eddie the coloring materials as well, giving him a smile when the boy takes them awkwardly while trying to keep a one-armed hold on the plush dog, his fingers tightly curled in the folded baby blanket.
“You got all that, baby,” he asks gently, and Eddie gives him a single, determined nod of his head, his eyes focused on the books and crayons he’s trying to balance in one arm. Eddie waited patiently by the door as Tommy gathered up all of the pillows that were on Eddie’s bed, as well as the ones stuffed into the back of his closet. They’d found that Eddie liked to make pillow nests fairly early on in their relationship, and Tommy had encouraged this by buying him extra pillows to make larger, more comfortable spaces. “Alright, lets go get you settled in the living room,” Tommy says as he ushers Eddie toward the door.
Tommy gets Eddie set up on the floor of the living room, pillows nestled beneath and around him and his coloring books and crayons set out on the coffee table. He picks up the television remote and navigates to the Disney Plus app, quickly typing ‘Fantasia’ into the search bar. He clicks play on the second film, noticing the very slight change in Eddie’s posture out of the corner of his eye. Instead of fiddling with the pillows and his Shepherd, Eddie’s gaze makes its way to the television screen. While his boy is enraptured by the classic blue Walt Disney opening credit, Tommy goes about tucking Eddie’s blanket over his lap and in around his hips, then gets himself settled on the couch directly behind Eddie. He gently cards his fingers through Eddie’s hair - definitely in need of a wash - and feels the younger man settle back against his legs, the last remaining vestiges of tension seeping out of his body.
Eddie seems to be hesitating over which coloring book to choose, so Tommy picks them both up, silently flipping to an uncolored picture in each book, narrowing Eddie’s choices down further. In his right hand is a color-by-number picture of a sea turtle, and in his left is a less detailed picture of an adorable fox wearing a witch’s hat. It’s a testament to just how much Eddie doesn’t want to make decisions right now when he points to the color-by-number picture. Tommy sets the book down in front of him, the front cover and preceding pages folded over behind the back cover.
The music for the first scene in their movie starts, and Eddie turns his attention to his coloring, dumping his crayons out on the table and picking up the dark green crayon that’s indicated with a number one in the legend. Tommy settles further onto the couch, his fingers not leaving Eddie’s hair as they continue to comb the strands and massage his scalp.
By the time they get to the second scene, the one with the whales, Eddie’s attention is torn between the page in front of him and the animation on the screen. Tommy watches on with adoration as Eddie’s body language changes with the mood of the story, souring when the baby whale is separated from its parents, then brightening again toward the end when they’re reunited.
Eddie’s coloring pauses entirely when they get to his favorite animation. It wasn’t really a surprise to Tommy when Eddie told him his favorite Fantasia 2000 scene was the tin soldier one. No, the surprise had come a long time after they’d grown comfortable with each other, when Eddie admitted that when he thought about himself in relation to the scene, he didn’t picture himself as the brave soldier fighting to save the pretty ballerina. It had taken nearly half a dozen viewings of the film for Eddie to confide in Tommy that he liked the character of the ballerina more - liked imagining himself in her role more than the soldier’s. He’d liked imagining himself as someone who was desired, someone who was worth fighting for instead of always being the one fighting. Tommy had thanked Eddie profusely for trusting him with something so intimate and personal. After that, he’d endeavored to show Eddie just how much Tommy desired him every chance he got.
By the time the forest sprite has rejuvenated her home and the end credits begin to roll, Eddie’s eyes are drooping and the hand holding the - now brown - crayon has gone lax atop the table. His weight is pressed back more firmly against Tommy’s shins, and his body language is exuding relaxation. Tommy almost hates to rouse him, but they had agreed on a bath tonight, and Eddie really needed to get the grime out of his hair and off of his skin. Gently, Tommy cups his hand around Eddie’s cheek, tipping his head back to gain eye contact.
“Come on, pretty boy, it’s time to get up.” Tommy’s words are met with a petulant whine and Eddie pressing back harder against his legs. Tommy clicks his tongue, petting his free hand through Eddie’s hair. “Lets go take a bath, and then we can get settled into bed, how does that sound?”
Eddie clearly thinks about resisting for another moment, but eventually nods his head, beginning to shift forward so Tommy can stand. Tommy climbs to his feet and holds out his hands to help Eddie up, too. Eddie collapses forward into Tommy’s arms, burying his face in Tommy’s chest and wrapping his arms around the taller man in a hug. Tommy immediately hugs back, pressing a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head.
“Come on, sleepy head, we won’t take too long tonight,” Tommy says, pulling back to lead Eddie toward the bathroom. Tommy runs the water and waits for it to heat up, throwing the stopper in the drain once it’s hit the right temperature - not too hot, but warm enough to help Eddie’s muscles relax. As the tub fills, Tommy helps Eddie out of his pajamas, pulling his t-shirt over his head as Eddie works on pulling the drawstring of his pants. They get Eddie settled into the tub as comfortably as possible. Eddie may not be as tall as Tommy, but he’s not short, either, so his legs bend at the knee and raise above the surface of the water.
Eddie lets out a relieved-sounding sigh as his body relaxes into the warmth and he takes a deep breath of steam. Tommy kneels at the side of the tub with a washcloth in one hand and Eddie’s favorite watermelon-scented body wash in the other. He wets the washcloth in the bathwater and squeezes some of the gel onto the fabric, rubbing it together to create a lather. Eddie’s eyes are closed now, his head tipped back against the tiles of the shower wall, and he’s gone completely non-verbal. Tommy doesn’t mind, content in the peaceful look on his boy’s face and the knowledge that Eddie would speak up if Tommy ever did something he didn’t like.
Eddie hums softly as Tommy touches the cloth to Eddie’s heated skin. Tommy washes Eddie quickly and thoroughly, then moves on to shampoo Eddie’s hair, carefully lifting his head away from the wall and being mindful not to get suds in Eddie’s eyes. He uses the plastic cup they keep in the shower to rinse the soap from Eddie’s hair, dumping cupfuls of water over the top of Eddie’s head. Eddie clenches his eyes shut as a rivulet of water streams down near one eye and Tommy uses the damp washcloth to catch it before it can cause any discomfort or pain.
Once they’re done, Tommy pulls the plug from the drain and urges Eddie to his feet again. He helps him out of the tub so his boy doesn’t slip, then leaves him drip-drying on the bathmat for just a moment as he fetches one of the soft, fluffy towels he and Eddie splurged on a while ago. He dries Eddie’s body off quickly so Eddie doesn’t get chilled, and earns a laugh when he reaches up to ruffle damp strands of hair with the towel. Tommy runs a comb through Eddie’s hair, patting dry the stray drops that splattered on his back and shoulders.
Finally, Tommy works with Eddie to dress the younger in a fresh set of pajamas. They repeat the process they’d done earlier in the bedroom, Tommy bending down to direct Eddie’s legs into the soft pants, pulling them up, and then tugging a shirt over Eddie’s head as Eddie lifts his arms. Finished with their shortened bathtime routine, Tommy flicks off the light switch as they leave the bathroom.
They make their way down the hall, Eddie’s hand tucked firmly into Tommy’s. Tommy pulls back the covers on Eddie’s neatly made bed and holds them up as Eddie climbs in, his head immediately settling comfortably on his pillow and his back to Tommy. The sun has set, so Tommy doesn’t have to worry about closing the blackout curtains that hang over Eddie’s bedroom window. He squeezes Eddie’s shoulder and doubles back to the living room. He checks to make sure the front door is locked and all the lights in the rest of the house are off before quickly returning to the bedroom. Eddie has settled fully into the mattress and doesn’t stir as Tommy climbs in behind him, shutting off the light on the nightstand. Tommy shifts to get comfortable and wraps his arms firmly around Eddie’s waist, hugging him tightly to his chest and inhaling the clean scent of the soap and shampoo.
Eddie rouses briefly, tucking himself further back into Tommy’s embrace and gripping one of his hands tightly. His voice is soft and sleepy when he finally speaks up. “Daddy?”
“Hmm,” Tommy hums back just as quietly, unwilling to break the peaceful enchantment that has settled over them.
“Thank you,” Eddie says simply.
“For what, baby?” Tommy’s brow furrows slightly.
“For taking care of me,” Eddie murmurs.
“Oh, sweet boy,” Tommy breathes, adoration filling his chest. He squeezes his arms tighter around Eddie’s waist. “You never have to thank me for that. I will always take care of you, no matter what.”
Eddie nods his head twice, and then he’s out, fast asleep with his breaths evening out peacefully. Tommy will talk to him about the call tomorrow, urge Eddie to make an appointment with Frank, or at the very least open up to Tommy about what happened and where his head was. For now, he’s more than content to bask in the warmth he’s feeling. He’s got his little boy wrapped up in his arms, safe and relaxed with Tommy right there to chase away any nightmares that pop up during the night. He presses one last kiss to the nape of Eddie’s neck before closing his eyes and letting himself start to drift off.