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Katsuki wakes to Sato and Sero’s concerned faces leaning over him.
What the fuck? Where am I?
He blinks, cringing away from the bright fluorescent lights above him. Features of a hospital room swim into his blurry vision. The pit of his stomach plunges as it all rushes back - the destruction of the hospital and the surrounding city, running with Deku to draw out Shigaraki, and then the battle that seemed like it would never end.
Horrible, vivid images flash behind his eyes. Shigaraki slamming Gran Torino into the ground. Aizawa being held up by the other heroes, Ryukyu diving in front of him, and then blood everywhere.
He sees Izuku flying up into the air to face Shigaraki again, again, and again. He remembers the desperate need to do something. Deku couldn’t do all of it by himself. Katsuki wouldn’t let him. He remembers hauling a beaten down Endeavor into the sky, and the inferno he unleashed onto Shigaraki.
And then - against all odds, Shigaraki came back to life, but animated by that horrible voice. Katsuki remembers knowing what was about to happen only a heartbeat in advance, but it was enough.
His body moved on its own, without thinking.
He dove into Shigaraki’s line of attack, forcing Izuku out of the way. The black and red spikes had driven into him, causing pain so intense he almost blacked out.
As his body acted, almost against his will, he had thought of when he was five years old and Izuku had reached his hand out to him in that river. He saw them, as little kids, pulling matching All Might cards. Izuku’s bright smile, his shining eyes, and his voice always calling after him.
He thought of seeing Deku at the start of the UA entrance exam, and being filled with such frustration and disdain. What does this loser think he’s doing here? He’d thought. Now he can’t imagine having experienced the past year without him. Izuku ingrained himself into Katsuki’s life, and never once let him have a moment of peace.
In the hospital room, Katsuki fights against the crushing pain in his chest and spits out, “Deku?”
Sero had made him promise not to freak out. Like that would have made a difference. They try to hold him back as he barrels down the hallway. His wounds threaten to burst and spill his guts but he doesn’t give a shit. He has to get to Izuku.
“If he dies, I’ll kill him”, Katsuki growls. Izuku doesn’t get to go and die, not after everything. Not after Katsuki almost sacrificed everything for him.
He gets one glimpse inside Izuku’s room. He’s lying on the bed and all his limbs are wrapped in casts. He’s so still. Katsuki’s blood runs cold. Sero’s words, the ones that had him shooting up from his hospital bed, clank around his brain like metal in a garbage disposal. There’s no sign of Izuku waking up.
That bastard. That bastard. He can’t leave. I can’t live without him. Who am I going to hate if he’s gone? Who am I going to love?
***
In the end, Katsuki doesn’t get to see Izuku before he gets the letter. He was never even told that Izuku had woken up, so when he opens the letter and sees Izuku’s handwriting, he doesn’t understand at first. As he reads it, dread settles in the pit of his stomach.
Deku thinks he’s being all righteous and self-sacrificing by leaving UA. He thinks he’s protecting his class. Well, fuck that. Katsuki doesn’t need his protection.
Anger builds in him so fast he has to toss the paper away so that the small explosions popping in his palms don’t catch the paper on fire.
A letter. A stupid fucking letter, after everything. Katsuki doesn’t need Izuku’s protection - he saved him ! And what about Katsuki knowing the truth about One For All? Doesn’t Izuku know that he can’t just shut him out like he’s another one of the extras?
Katsuki remembers sharing a look with All Might during one of their many meetings, after All Might had made a comment about how one of the previous wielders of One For All died. He’s not going to survive this, is he? Katsuki remembers thinking.
Katsuki sees a flash of Izuku half alive on that hospital bed again, and he lets out a half scream and punches the wall of his dorm room. Izuku wasn’t supposed to be doing this all on his own.
Katsuki’s going to find him.
***
Izuku doesn’t feel like going home.
The past few weeks, he’s been going from one run down abandoned apartment to the next, catching a few hours of sleep here and there. Half the time he doesn’t even rest long enough to take his hero suit off, and besides, he would feel way too vulnerable relaxing like that when there are so many people fighting for his head on a platter.
All Might managed to snag a half decent apartment for them to stay at tonight, but Izuku can’t bring himself to leave the streets and actually go rest. He’s exhausted and battered, but he can’t stop, not now. He has to win this fight. How can he lay in bed knowing there’s work to be done? He left behind everything and everyone for the sake of accomplishing this goal, of mastering his borrowed power and finally vanquishing All For One. He can’t rest until that becomes reality.
It had been weeks since he left UA, and he got by only through forcing himself to not think about what he had left behind. He focused solely on what was ahead - his ultimate goal, the final fight. Nothing else mattered until he had mastered his quirk.
While flinging himself from one rooftop to another, and dodging bullets from assassins, Izuku made a list of things he doesn’t let himself think about, in no particular order of importance.
He doesn’t think about his room back at the UA dorms, and how somewhere along the way it became his home. He doesn’t think about his nightly routine when he would get anxious - a few gulps of fresh air on the rooftop and then a cup of tea and something sweet in the comfort of one of the common room couches. Sometimes, one of his classmates would wander in, and they would talk, or put something on the tv, or just sit in comfortable silence. He doesn’t think about eating lunch with Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki. He doesn’t think about cheering on his friends during their hero training exercises. He doesn’t think about lying under the cherry blossom trees on campus, pink and golden light filtering through the leaves.
He tries, and fails, to not think about Katsuki. About his constant presence in the kitchen, and that time Izuku was homesick and trying to make himself katsudon. Katsuki had huffed and told him he was cooking the pork wrong. He shoved Izuku out of the way, calling him incompetent, and made the best bowl of katsudon Izuku had had since leaving home. He tries not to think about Katsuki’s wicked grin when they spar during training, and how Katsuki is the only person who also analyzes quirks as thoroughly as he does (even though he’d never admit it). He tries not to think about Katsuki pinning him down after their fight at Ground Beta.
He tries not to think about Katsuki’s face disappearing through Kurogiri’s warp gate, or desperately coming up with a plan to rescue him, or Katsuki shoving Izuku out of the way so that Shigaraki’s spikes buried into him instead.
He tries, and he fails.
Today, one of the villains had a firework-esque quirk, and the pop-crackle of it had made Izuku whip his head around, expecting to find Katsuki there. He could practically hear his voice, yelling at the villains to hurry up and die already. The realization that Katsuki wasn’t there, that it was just his imagination, made him feel so terribly alone.
Izuku doesn’t want to go home because then he’ll have no choice but to face that empty pit in his heart where his friends used to reside. But, he can already see All Might’s concerned face as the night gets darker with no sign of his return. He needs to keep training, he’s not strong enough yet, but he’s willing to give All Might some leeway. Sometimes.
Izuku lands in the alleyway of their temporary apartment with a slightly rocky landing due to how bone tired he is. He opens the door and pulls his mask off. He turns around, kicking off his shoes. He expected All Might to immediately greet him, or chew him out. On late nights like this, he’s usually waiting for Izuku to get back.
“All Might?” Izuku calls out, turning around.
His heart jumps into his throat. All Might is sitting at the small table, as usual, but his head is in his hands. Next to him though…
“Kacchan?”
Izuku’s eyes prickle and his throat gets tight. “What are you doing here?” He tries to sound firm, but his teary voice betrays him.
It’s only been a matter of weeks, but the sight of his childhood friend nearly undoes him. Katsuki looks almost the same, in his winter civilian clothes but without a scarf since it’s been steadily getting warmer these past few weeks. He looks almost the same, except for the dark shadows under his eyes.
Katsuki stands up so hard that his chair almost tips over. A scowl covers his face and he crosses the small room in a handful of angry strides.
Oh, God, Izuku thinks. Here it comes. But instead of raising a fist, or yelling, Katsuki reaches out to Izuku and pulls him into a bone crushing hug. Izuku stands there for a second, utterly stunned, before wrapping his arms around Katsuki’s shoulders. He can feel Katsuki’s shaky breathing against his neck, and his fingers bunch in Izuku’s hair, almost pulling it. Izuku buries his face into Katsuki’s neck, relaxing into the feeling of their bodies pressed together. They’ve never hugged like this before.
Just as quickly as Katsuki pulled Izuku in, he pushes him away. Izuku hits the wall behind him, and Katsuki crosses the distance between them again, fury clear on his face. There’s something else though…his eyes look almost frenzied. If Izuku didn’t know better he’d say Katsuki looked scared.
“What the fuck is your problem, huh? Just thought you could run away and leave a letter and everything would be fine? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Izuku opens his mouth and then closes it again, floundering in shock. This was the initial reaction he had been expecting, but the embrace threw him off. Out of the corner of his eye, Izuku sees All Might shake his head and stand from the table. He walks down the hallway, probably into his own room.
“What?” Izuku says, still shocked.
“You heard me. You shouldn’t have left.”
The weirdness of the situation is burned away from Izuku’s mind by the frustration taking its place. “Did you seriously come all this way to argue with me?”
Katsuki’s face twists. “You’re so full of shit.”
“I’m not going to stand here and defend my decisions to you. It was my choice to make!”
“Well it was a bad fucking choice! Anything would have been better than just running away. And you didn’t even fucking tell anybody.”
Anger simmers in Izuku’s chest. All of this, everything he sacrificed, would not be boiled down to running away . “I didn’t run away. And I did tell people! I talked about it with the pro heroes and they all agreed that this was what was best.”
“Great,” Katsuki chuckles, a sarcastic, broken sound. “Since the pro heroes agreed, then it must be true. But they didn’t even come up with this plan. No, that was all you, wasn’t it?”
“Does it matter? I had to leave! I put everyone at risk by being at UA. Not just the students and the teachers, but the civilians that are staying there now too! There wasn’t anything else to be done.”
Katsuki grits his teeth. “Bullshit. You’ve been a danger to everyone since the moment you got One For All. Why does it matter now?”
Izuku hates this. He hates Katsuki for not understanding. Katsuki didn’t see how Shigaraki’s spikes sprayed his blood into the sky, how he was a few lucky inches away from certain death. Izuku sees it every time he closes his eyes. He sees it every time he tries to get a few hours of sleep in these shitty rundown apartments.
“Because people will die, Kacchan! I can’t risk that! Shigaraki and All For One are stronger than ever. Nothing is worth putting innocent lives in danger. I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll stay in hiding for as long as it takes.”
“That’s not a fucking plan! You’re running yourself into the ground. You look like absolute shit. Have you even slept since you left?”
“I’m fine. That’s not your problem anyway.”
Katsuki runs his fingers through his hair, pulling at it. “Everyone’s worried about you. You could have at least given us a warning. The last time anyone saw you, you were half dead in the hospital. And then what, you left a couple letters and expected us to just let you go? Never see you again? Or just not see you until you defeat All For One?”
“That was never the plan! I just - I’m not strong enough, and I can’t go back until I’ve mastered my quirks. And how was I supposed to say any of that in person? 1-A would never have let me go.”
What Izuku doesn’t say is the more specific version of that sentence - you never would have let me go. “I couldn’t risk anyone talking me out of it. I understood what needed to be done, and so did the pro heroes. The longer I waited, the more danger everyone was in. I know I put everyone in a difficult position, but I don’t regret it.”
The words almost surprise Izuku as he says them. He’s so used to doing everything he can to keep the people around him happy. He’s been a chronic apologizer his whole life. Now though, he understands that this was necessary. Nothing can make him rethink his decision, or apologize for it.
Katsuki presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, his frustration evident with every harsh breath. When he speaks, his voice is shaky. “You should have faced me! You should have told me. We’ve - We’ve always been in this together. Even when we weren’t on the same side you were always there. You can pull that shit with the rest of 1-A - whatever.” Izuku watches a tear streak down Katsuki’s face. “But you don’t get to just leave me a letter and then disappear.”
Izuku swears he can feel his own heart break in his chest. He’s only seen Katsuki cry one other time in his life - during their fight at Ground Beta when Katsuki was finally honest with him about feeling responsible for All Might’s downfall. Even if he’s sure of his decision, Izuku hates making Katsuki cry.
Izuku almost apologizes, but he holds the words back. Instead, he asks, “Why should you be any different? Tell me, Kacchan. Why should I have told you over anyone else? I know I hurt you, but I don’t regret leaving. You understand why I had to, right?”
Katsuki scrubs his hands over his face and takes a deep breath. “I understand.” He pauses for a moment, and Izuku isn’t sure if he’s going to say anything else - if he’s going to answer his first question or just leave it hanging.
Izuku still hears Katsuki’s words ringing in his ears. We’ve always been in this together. You’ve always been there. Was he really going to admit it? Was Katsuki finally going to acknowledge this thing that had been growing between them? Izuku has always been chasing after Katsuki, always admiring him no matter how harsh Katsuki was back.
But recently Katsuki hasn’t been harsh at all. Izuku would even call them friends if it wasn’t for the tension that kept him holding his breath whenever they’re together. It feels like there’s a bomb between them. It’s just a matter of time before it explodes, and it’s either going to end in the most explosive fight of their lives, or Izuku’s true, raw emotions are going to spill out all over the place. Half the time when Izuku meets Katsuki’s eyes, he can feel himself physically holding the words back, like if he opened his mouth they would just come tumbling out on their own volition. Izuku feels them now simmering just under the surface, a constant thrum.
No one knows me like you do. I love you. I’ve loved you the whole time and you probably know that and this is probably fucked up, but I still love you.
Loving someone is like giving them a piece of your soul, like choosing a person to house a piece of who you are. I gave you a piece of myself at four years old and it’s been growing within you this whole time.
But the problem with loving someone is that you can’t take that piece back after it's been given. If you stop loving that person, you don’t get that piece back. It keeps living within them forever, and you have to figure out how to live without it.
Even if I had stopped loving you, I would still be partially yours. But I didn’t stop loving you. I still love you now, and that piece of my soul within you is now so big that I think if you didn’t love me back (not even a little bit, not even at all) that I would lose such a large part of myself as to be unrecognizable. And maybe that’s bad, but I don’t even care because I want to give you even more of myself, and I want to love you for the rest of our lives.
Katsuki grabs Izuku’s shoulder, snapping him back to the present. “I don’t think you understand,” Katsuki continues. “When I woke up in the hospital, the last thing I remembered was diving in front of Shigaraki. I remembered pushing you out of the way, and those spikes piercing me, but everything else was a blur. I didn’t really remember how things ended. When I finally woke up in the hospital, the first thing I did was find your room.”
Izuku’s eyes widen, his heart racing in his chest. He tried to find me? Immediately?
“You looked half dead, Izuku. They said - they said there was no way to tell when or if you’d wake up. The doctors wouldn’t even let me see you. I was terrified. I was discharged and I was told you were still asleep, and then the next thing I know I’m reading your letter. I had nearly died for you and I didn’t even get to see if you were okay! You were just gone, and the class was devastated, sure, but they didn’t get it. They didn’t think there was much they could do. But how could I move on from that?”
Izuku can’t hold back his tears any longer, and he feels the wet streaks they leave as they drip down his face. His breaths are shaky, and he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. This can’t be happening. There’s no way he means this. Katsuki acknowledging Izuku’s existence in a positive light is a relatively new development as it is. There’s no way Katsuki means what Izuku thinks he does. Could he really love me? Even as a best friend?
“I didn’t know you cared,” Izuku whispers.
“Stupid Deku,” Katsuki mutters. “How could I not care?”
He pauses for a moment, seeming to realize his own words. “I know why you would think that,” Katsuki says, deadly quiet. “I’ve been horrible to you for most of our lives.” He takes a deep breath, as if gearing himself up for something.
“The truth is, I felt inferior to you. Even without a quirk, you were already so far ahead of me. It’s like you were born to be a hero, and I felt like there was no way I could catch up. I bullied you because it was easier to put you down than to better myself. And I went into this year thinking I was going to do the same thing, but something changed. At every turn, I was made to see how strong you are, and how weak I am. And it made me realize that you’re not my biggest enemy. And we might be competing, but we’ll always be on the same side. And I’m so glad for that. There’s no one else I’d rather fight alongside. I’m so glad you never gave up on me. I’m so glad you’re my friend, despite everything. I know that saying this doesn’t fix everything, but it’s important for me to say it anyway. I’m sorry, Izuku. I’m sorry for everything.”
Izuku lets out a sob, and years of pent up emotion flow out of him. He had always wondered why Katsuki had acted that way, but he believed that it wasn’t his true nature. He had always believed that something else was going on, and he wasn’t naturally that cruel. Watching Katsuki grow over the past year had only proven Izuku right, but it was another thing entirely for Katsuki to confirm what Izuku had witnessed with his own eyes, to grant him a genuine apology for no other reason than sincerely meaning it.
Izuku reaches out this time, pulling Katsuki into another embrace, albeit a much gentler one. “Okay. Okay, Kacchan. I understand.” They stand there for a moment, completely silent.
“Izuku,” Katsuki says. The use of his actual name makes Izuku’s heart jump into his throat. “Please come back with me.”
Izuku’s heart sinks. This is the moment he’d been waiting for - when Katsuki would finally get to the point and address why he was really here. “I can’t,” he says, barely a whisper.
He’s still enveloped in Katsuki’s arms, and Katsuki cards his fingers through Izuku’s curls. It’s such an intimate gesture. It’s the most gentle Katsuki has ever been with him, or maybe anyone. It breaks Izuku’s heart and mends it all at once.
“I can’t let you die for me,” Izuku whispers.
“What?” Katsuki says, sounding genuinely shocked.
“I left for all the reasons I said before, but I also left because - because you saved me from that hit from Shigaraki. And there was a horrible moment where I thought you would die. That you would die for me. When I woke up, and I heard about how bad everything had gone, I couldn’t help but think that if I left, at the very least I would be keeping you safe.”
“I can’t believe you. Wasting all this energy worrying about me. They can’t take down the future number one hero that easily,” Katsuki chuckles. Izuku sniffles, and Katsuki gets serious again. “Izuku, that’s not your choice to make. My life is mine to give to who I want. Now I’m not saying I’m going to be reckless or anything, but you have to trust me. And don’t act like you wouldn’t give your life to save a stray cat, nerd, so don’t give me any of that crap. We’re heroes, and this is the way it is. But how about this - I promise not to die for you if you promise not to die for me. And if you promise to come back.”
Izuku smiles sadly. “I can only promise one of those things.”
Katsuki sighs and pulls back. “I guess I shouldn’t have expected that to work. Will nothing convince you? Is there nothing else I can do?”
Izuku shakes his head. “I have to do this.”
Katsuki turns his head and rubs at his face. Izuku thinks for a moment that this is it, he’s going to leave. A mix of relief and sadness rushes over him. He wishes that he could go home, but he needs Katsuki to be okay letting him go.
Instead, Katsuki holds him an arms length away and stares at him intently. “Is there really no fuckin’ way to persuade you?”
Izuku shakes his head again, and when he doesn’t reply, Katsuki sighs. “I guess I have nothing to lose then.” He shakes his head and looks up to the ceiling, as if steeling himself for something.
Izuku almost asks what he means, but then Katsuki cups one of his hands around Izuku’s cheek and presses his lips so gently to Izuku’s forehead in a - a kiss. Izuku doesn’t even breathe as Katsuki places another kiss on his right cheek, and then his left, and then on the bridge of his nose, right between his eyes. They’re feather-light touches, barely there, but they leave Izuku breathless. He had never realized that Katsuki was just tall enough to be at the perfect height for this.
Katsuki meets Izuku’s eyes, and Izuku doesn’t think he’s ever seen his face this close up before. His red eyes are lined with a warm maroon, and there’s a freckle on his left eyelid that he’s never noticed before, and the cupid's bow of his lip curves as he bites his lip and says, “Tell me if this isn’t okay.”
Katsuki’s face is so close, close enough that their noses brush, close enough that he can feel Katsuki’s breath against his lips. Katsuki holds there, and Izuku could wait for Katsuki to make the move, just like he’s expecting, but Izuku has never made a habit of doing what Katsuki expects, and he doesn’t plan on starting now.
Izuku surges through the single centimeter separating them and presses his lips to Katsuki’s. It’s over as soon as it started - just one press of lips against another to say I kissed you first and I want this just as much as you do and I love you, I really, really do.
When Izuku opens his eyes, Katsuki is still so close, and his eyes are wide with wonder. A smile starts at the edges of his lips and then spreads across his face, lighting him up like he’s the sun itself. And, as usual, he pushes things one step further. His hand is still cupping Izuku’s cheek, and he uses it to turn Izuku’s mouth into his, deepening their kiss.
Izuku has never kissed anyone before, and he has no fucking clue how to kiss, but he knows Katsuki inside and out and that’s enough. He finds out what that curved cupid's bow feels like on his tongue, and he finds out what it feels like for Katsuki to suck on his bottom lip with the barest scrape of teeth.
Both of Katsuki’s hands cup his cheeks now, tilting his head upwards to drink in the kiss. Izuku’s hand curves around Katsuki’s waist, pressing under his t-shirt to feel a small strip of bare skin. He lifts his other hand and presses it against Katsuki’s rapidly beating heart, and Izuku swears he can feel that piece of his soul in there, alive, happy, absolutely thriving. He hopes this means that a piece of Katsuki lives within him too, and that Katsuki can feel all the love that Izuku envelops that piece with.
They break apart from each other, panting, but Katsuki doesn’t let go of Izuku’s face. He looks desperate, almost frantic. “Izuku, I - I lov--”
Izuku cuts him off before he can finish the words. He presses his fingers against Katsuki’s lips, and then holds the hands cupping his face. “Please don’t. Please don’t say you love me,” Izuku whispers. “If you say it, I won’t be able to stay away. You can’t say it because I can’t come back with you.”
Katsuki looks devastated, and there’s a moment where Izuku thinks he might say it anyway, just to prove a point, but he doesn’t. Instead, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, holding their foreheads together.
“Okay. Okay, but you have to know that it’s true. Even if I don’t say it, it’s true.”
“I know. I know, Kacchan.” Izuku almost says that he loves him too, but it wouldn’t be fair, and it would probably be redundant. Izuku has loved Katsuki his whole life. It’s not like he’s kept it that much of a secret.
They stand there for who knows how long, holding each other, trying to keep the moment from passing, but it’s futile. Not even the power of One For All can cease the passage of time.
“Please stay,” Izuku asks. “Just for tonight. I don’t want you to leave.”
“Okay,” Katsuki whispers. “I can do that.”
***
Izuku leads Katsuki back to his bedroom. It’s bare except for the bed, and there’s a small duffel bag unceremoniously dumped in one corner with clothes strewn out of it.
“Sorry it’s not really clean… I wasn’t really expecting company-”
“I don’t care, nerd. I’m the one that barged into your apartment.”
Izuku nods. “Okay, well. You can sit on the bed,” he says, somewhat unnecessarily since there’s no other furniture in the room. “I need to go shower. I still have half the city on me.”
“Okay. I’ll be here when you get back,” Katsuki says, plopping down.
When Izuku returns, Katsuki is sprawled on the small bed, staring up at the ceiling with his arms behind his head. “You know, it’s really weird being in a room that’s yours that doesn’t have any All Might merch at all.”
Izuku is in his usual baggy t-shirt and pants, with a towel draped around his neck to catch the water dripping from his damp hair. Katsuki’s desperately trying to keep it together here. In all of his wildest dreams, he didn’t actually think his insane plan would go this well. And sure, he didn’t technically succeed, since Izuku is still not coming back with him, but laying on Izuku’s bed with the lingering feeling of their kiss still on his lips feels strangely like a victory.
“It’s weird for me too,” Izuku says with a chuckle. “I guess I make up for it with All Might literally living here.”
“I can’t believe you’ve got the old man himself as a roommate. Who would have thought?”
Their eyes meet, and Izuku smiles. It’s so surreal, to think that the two of them, who were once two of the biggest All Might fanboys around, are now in the same apartment as him.
“Oh, God,” Izuku groans. “All Might definitely heard our entire conversation.”
Katsuki starts laughing. “Oh, he definitely heard. But I think he already got the gist. I think you’re forgetting that when I initially made my grand entrance it was just him here.”
Izuku buries his face in his hands. “I’m sure that went well.”
“About as well as expected,” Katsuki says, shrugging. “Hey, you know how I’ve been a complete ass to you and Izuku this past year? Well it turns out I was just insanely repressed and I actually need to apologize, and also Izuku should come back to UA like, immediately, and totally not for my own selfish reasons, I swear. Know where he’s at? It basically went like that.”
Katsuki doesn’t think Izuku’s face can get any redder. “This is terrible. This is like if your teacher, your ultimate idol, and like, parent all in one had to witness your first kiss. Oh my God.”
Katsuki’s eyebrows raise. “That was your first kiss?”
That was a lie. Izuku’s face could get redder. “Oh, shut up.” He takes off the towel and whacks Katsuki with it, but he’s smiling.
“Hey!” Katsuki shouts. “It’s just a question!”
“Of course it was. Who else do you think I would have been kissing this whole time?”
Katsuki shrugged. “I don’t know. Round Face? Some girl in middle school? Although, I guess I should rethink those projections in light of recent events.”
“Yeah, definitely rethink it,” Izuku says. “There’s never been anyone else, seriously. Like maybe I had mini crushes, but I was kind of totally obsessed with you.”
That makes Katsuki’s heart swoop in his chest. Totally obsessed with you. This is typically the kind of moment where Katsuki would give Izuku all kinds of hell for being such a complete nerd, as usual, but he doesn’t. Funny how almost dying for a boy makes you not want to kick the shit out of him constantly, even if it gets you his attention.
Izuku seems to realize that he’s still standing, and that Katsuki’s on his bed. Katsuki can practically see the gears turning in his head, hear the rapid fire thoughts filling his brain. “Come here, will ya?” Katsuki says. Not the most romantic thing to say, he thinks, but hey it's not like he’s trying to change who he is here. He pats the bed invitingly, and that seems to jar Izuku out of his thought spiral.
He nods, quickly sitting down next to Katsuki. Izuku looks like a bomb is about to go off. “It’s your own bed, nerd. You can lay down.”
“Oh, right,” he says. He lays down cautiously so that they’re both splitting the singular pillow on the bed. It’s a tight fit - it’s a twin bed, clearly not meant for more than one person, and certainly not two muscled teen boys. Izuku lies as straight as possible, as if trying to avoid contact, which is literally impossible with their situation.
“You know, this would probably be a lot more comfortable if you would come closer,” Katsuki says, trying to sound casual. He’s desperately trying to keep his cool here. It’s not like he’s really done anything like this before, and he’s so nervous his palms are sweating. If he sneezes wrong, there’s no guarantee this whole bed isn’t going up in flames.
Izuku’s blush is back. “Unless that’s not what you want,” Katsuki corrects quickly.
Izuku shakes his head quickly. “No - no, that’s definitely, um, what I want.” He adjusts slowly so that his head is against Katsuki’s chest. Katsuki’s arm slips behind Izuku’s back like they’ve done this a hundred times. Izuku hooks one of his legs around Katsuki’s, because there’s nowhere else to put it, and Katsuki thinks he’s going to pass out. How is any of this happening, he thinks.
“Is this okay?” Izuku asks.
Katsuki nods at first, not trusting his voice. “Yeah, um, it's good,” he says, clearing his throat.
“How did you know I was here, anyway?” Izuku asks.
Katsuki grins. “I have your phone location, dumbass.”
Izuku lifts his head, outrage on his face. “No you don’t.”
“Yes I do!”
“How do you have it? I never gave that to you, Kacchan.”
“Well, it’s true that you didn’t. But you made me share my location with half the damn class after I got kidnapped. It felt unfair so I snuck onto your phone and sent myself your location as a little payback. Didn’t think it would end up being this helpful though.”
Izuku groans into Katsuki’s chest. “I cannot believe you. The pro heroes were so confident that all my information was secure. You’ve undermined a government mission, Kacchan. You could get into serious trouble for that.”
“I’d love to see them try. It’s not my fault they’re incompetent.”
The longer they lay there, the more relaxed they both become. Katsuki starts running his hand up and down Izuku’s back in soothing circles. He scratches Izuku’s scalp once, and when Izuku hums happily, Katsuki smiles and keeps shifting his fingers through the other boy’s curls.
“Remember when we used to have sleepovers?” Izuku asks.
“Yeah. We’d have to sleep in the same bed. You were always scared of the rain.”
“Oh my god, you liar,” Izuku says, appalled. “You’re the one who was afraid of the rain! There was a thunderstorm one night at my mom’s and you made me tell her I was the one that was afraid so she’d let us leave the light on.”
“No, I distinctly remember you being the little wimp who was scared of some thunder,” Katsuki says with a shit eating grin.
Izuku rolls over to face him, mouth agape but laughing. “You ass-”
Katsuki pinches Izuku’s waist and his voice cuts off in a shriek. Izuku immediately slaps both of his hands over his mouth, eyes wide. Katsuki is laughing so hard that it makes them both shake.
“What was that? Did I tickle you or something?”
“Oh my god, nope, no you definitely didn’t, I’m definitely not ticklish there.”
Katsuki gets an evil grin on his face. “Oh, you’re not? So it would be fine if I did this?” He pinches at Izuku’s waist again.
Izuku shrieks again, quieter this time, and writhes away from him. There’s a second of back and forth fighting before a crackle of green lighting shoots up Izuku’s arms, and then he’s full on straddling Katsuki with both of his arms pinned above his head.
All the air leaves Katsuki’s lungs, and not because of the weight on his chest. Izuku is flushed, and he looks somewhere between laughing and screaming. “I swear, if you tickle me one more time I’m breaking up with you.”
Katsuki raises an eyebrow. “Hard to break up with me if we’re not dating, Deku.”
Izuku huffs. “If you tickle me, then I swear that I will never date you.”
“Okay, okay, you win,” Katsuku laughs. “Truce, I swear.”
Izuku looks at him with apprehension before letting his hands go. Katsuki doesn’t try to tickle him again, because he really isn’t evil despite what some may think. He does, however, reach his hand up to cup Izuku’s neck and bring him down into a kiss.
It’s somehow even better than their first. Izuku makes a surprised noise into his mouth, but then relaxes into it and doesn’t hesitate to take the upper hand. He kisses with purpose, pressing Katsuki into the mattress. Katsuki holds the thigh that’s bracketing his hip and runs his hands along the dense cords of muscle there. “You really have gotten stronger, huh?” Katsuki quips.
Izuku smiles. A genuine smile, because he’s pleased that Katsuki complimented him. If this is what one smile makes Katsuki feel, he doesn’t know how he’s going to survive this. He’s mine, he thinks. He’s somehow actually mine. And maybe we only get this one night for now, but he’s mine for as long as he wants me, because I’m never letting him go.
“I have. And I’ve been working on all my other quirks. I could probably even beat you now.”
“I don’t know about that, Deku. You’ll have to prove it to me sometime.”
Izuku bites his lip and smiles again. “We’ll just have to give the teachers a warning this time. No more late night fights at Ground Beta.”
“Aizawa would actually have us expelled.”
Izuku laughs, and for a moment, everything is perfect. Their light banter, the easy smiles, their bodies pressed against each other. Katsuki tries not to think about how he’s going to have to leave in the morning and continue on with his life. How can he wake up and do anything, knowing that this boy is here, away from him, waiting for the moment when they can actually be together?
The answer is simple. Katsuki’s not going to stop fighting. Izuku said he wouldn’t leave with him this time, but Katsuki’s not going to give up. He’s going to do anything in his power to get Izuku back, because he knows that being with his class, safe inside the walls of UA, is what’s best for him.
But, for now, he doesn’t have to worry about that. For now, he can focus on making Izuku happy for one night. He can give him this, to light up his dark days until they can be reunited again.
“Tell me about your quirks,” Katsuki says. “I want to know everything.”
Izuku’s face lights up, and he jumps into an explanation of each of his new quirks. He talks about the unexpected utility of smoke screen, and the forward thinking that’s required to build up fa jin before an attack. He talks about how gear shift is so intense that he hasn’t even unleashed its full power yet, and how danger sense only ignites for certain types of danger. Katsuki listens with rapt attention, trying to soak in all the information.
The night is peaceful and quiet, and Katsuki tries to savor it. He tries to ingrain every part of it in his memory - the exact texture of Izuku’s curls between his fingers, the pattern of Izuku’s breathing against his chest, the way a thin sliver of light sneaks in through the window and paints Izuku in a silvery glow.
“I’m going to miss you,” Izuku says softly. “I’ve missed you this whole time.”
“Then come back with me.” It’s an exercise in stubbornness. Katsuki’s an unstoppable force and Izuku’s an immovable object. Izuku just sighs, and Katsuki doesn’t pry, because he knows it won’t get them anywhere. He doesn’t want to spend any more of this one night they get arguing.
“Tell me,” Izuku says. “Tell me about when…you knew. About me.”
Katsuki can feel the words he’s purposefully not saying. Tell me about when you knew you loved me.
Where does Katsuki even begin to answer that question?
He loved Izuku when they were four years old and Izuku held out his hand to him in that river.
He loved Izuku when they were seven, and they would walk home from school together talking about what their future hero costumes would look like. Katsuki was mean even then, and he never would have admitted that he loved having a friend that was as dedicated to becoming a hero as himself. Even if that friend was quirkless.
Katsuki loved Izuku when they were thirteen at their middle school dance, and he saw Izuku standing at the opposite end of the gym, looking like a total dork in his ill-fitting suit. He was a total wall flower - red faced, nervous, one of his notebooks tucked into his jacket. When Katsuki turned back to his friends, one of them asked “Why is your face so red?”.
Katsuki loved Izuku at fifteen, when he was taken by the League of Villains through one of Kurogiri’s warp gates and the last thing he saw was Izuku’s panicked, desperate eyes. He told Izuku not to follow him, because Izuku looked half-dead as it was with only two functioning limbs left. He didn’t need Izuku’s protection. He didn’t need Izuku destroying himself, risking death on Katsuki’s behalf. I promise not to die for you if you promise not to die for me.
Katsuki loved Izuku when they were trapped by that All For One faker villain on Nabu Island, with no hope, no way out, and Izuku reached out his bloody hand to Katsuki. Izuku was willing to give his quirk to Katsuki, after everything, after all the pain he had put Izuku through, and Katsuki had felt his heart shatter in his chest. This boy was willing to trust him not just with his life, but with the most precious gift he’d ever been given. Izuku was such a true hero that he was willing to give up his quirk, and he trusted Katsuki enough to give it to him.
Katsuki didn’t really know at any of these points that he loved Izuku. He felt it, but he didn’t know, because it was tangled up in all the other feelings Katsuki had surrounding Izuku - jealousy, awe, pride, determination to be the best. For the first few months at UA, it was a gamble every time he looked at Izuku of what emotion would rise to the surface.
There was one day, sometime in the fall, when Katsuki saw Izuku from across the field behind UA. Students would spread blankets and sit in the sunlight and talk and picnic, but on this day it was practically empty. Izuku sat under a big, beautiful cherry blossom tree, one of his notebooks open on his lap, a pencil in his hand. Katsuki had been focusing on getting his provisional license, and Izuku was caught up in a mission through his internship, so he’d barely spoken to him or even seen him in weeks.
The sight of Izuku after so long took Katsuki’s breath away. He felt a pressure in his chest - a sensation he’d never felt before outside of getting the wind knocked out of him during a fight. Katsuki didn’t know what it was.
The cherry blossom tree wasn’t in bloom, and dead leaves scattered around its base, blowing in the breeze. Katsuki knew it was Izuku’s favorite tree. He knew it was his favorite because Izuku would sit under it any chance he got in the spring, and would climb into its branches, until the pink petals obscured him from view. Katsuki knew it was his favorite because there was a tree just like it in the park near their houses that Izuku loved just as much. It was Izuku’s favorite because it reminded him of home, and Katsuki knew this without ever having to ask Izuku. He knew because he knew Izuku like he knew his own mind.
You can’t grow up with someone without them becoming an extension of your being. If Katsuki and Izuku were trees, then in their youth they were planted too close to each other, and as they grew, their branches morphed into each other, making it impossible to tell where one tree ended and the other began. Katsuki didn’t start loving Izuku at one defined moment, because Izuku had been ingrained into the fabric of his being from the very beginning.
But, when Katsuki saw Izuku under that tree, and watched him scratch his head with the tip of his pencil before sticking his tongue out and writing down a note in his thirteenth quirk analysis notebook, Katsuki knew he was in love.
For a split second, it felt like the world was coming to an end, and then he immediately pushed every emotion he had about it deep down. He had felt each emotion attempt to crawl its way out of his gut - surprise, elation, frustration, despair. He didn’t have space for it all. Izuku had always taken up too much room in Katsuki’s life, his mind, his heart.
It wasn’t until blackwhip manifested that those emotions succeeded in resurfacing. Watching Izuku so passionately defend him to the point of losing complete control unleashed something within Katsuki. That night, he cried himself hoarse, and when he didn’t have any tears left, he whispered the words to his empty room - I love him.
They felt like a dangerous secret. Like the worst thing that could ever happen to Katsuki, and the best.
It was no surprise that Katsuki dove in front of those spikes for Izuku. He would do it again in a heartbeat. He had spent so much of his life denying Izuku and breaking his heart over and over again. There’s nothing Katsuki wouldn’t do for him now.
Katsuki doesn’t know how to put it into words. The feelings catch in his throat, and he doesn’t know how to tell Izuku without spilling everything he’s ever felt towards him. And Izuku asked for no confessions.
“I’ve known for a few months. I think I’ve felt…this way for a long time but I didn’t really know. And then I saw you one day and it just clicked. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t think I was ever going to do anything about it, because I have so much to make up to you. But then I almost died, and you left, and I had to do something.”
Izuku lets out a shaky breath against Katsuki’s chest. “It’s okay, Kacchan. You apologized, and I always believed, deep down, that you didn’t actually hate me.”
Katsuki squeezes his eyes shut, tears of shame burning. “I hate that I did that to you. I never hated you. Not at all. I hated myself. I hated that I was inferior to you. I’ll never stop being sorry.”
“I know, Kacchan,” Izuku says. “We’ll talk about it more later. But for now I just want to be together. I want to be happy for tonight.”
Katsuki’s heart cracks just a little. Izuku deserves more than just to be happy for one night. He wants to shake him, to scream that if he comes back he can have this every day. But he knows it’s not that simple. There’s a certain bubble that shelters them, that holds off the weights of reality from crashing down on them. Katsuki knows that outside of that bubble, outside of this perfect night, they will have to deal with everything else.
Right now, they can pretend that Katsuki didn’t break Izuku’s heart. They can pretend that Izuku doesn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders. But as soon as Katsuki leaves this apartment, that illusion will break.
“Okay,” Katsuki says. “I can do that. What do you want, Izuku? I’ll do anything for you.”
“I want you to hold me, Kacchan. Just hold me.” Izuku’s voice is thick with impending tears. A younger Katsuki would have teased him for it, but current Katsuki holds back tears of his own.
“Okay, baby,” Katsuki says, the endearment slipping out before he can stop himself.
He holds Izuku like his life depends on it. He brushes his fingers through his curls and maps soothing circles across his back. Izuku starts to cry, and Katsuki doesn’t have to ask why. He kisses each of Izuku’s fingers and the scars that web across his hands. He presses a kiss to each of Izuku’s freckles across his cheeks, and he kisses away Izuku’s tears.
Katsuki doesn’t know this side of himself. He didn’t know he could be this gentle, this loving, but he doesn’t have to wonder about it just yet. This is all part of the illusion - a perfect night outside of space and time, outside of who he’s been his whole life and the expectations he’s placed on himself. In front of Izuku, he’s stripped down to his barest self - that boy who found his very first friend in a boy with green hair, the boy who sits under the cherry blossom tree.
***
When Izuku wakes up, the bed is cold. It takes a moment for his brain to recalibrate - for the events of the previous night to come crashing down on him like a bucket of cold water. He thinks for a split second that it had to have been a dream. The bed is cold, and there’s no evidence of Katsuki. Disappointment floods through Izuku, making a soup of emotions in his gut.
Then, he sees the letter.
It’s half tucked under his pillow, and crumpled from where Izuku was laying on it. It says his name in Katsuki’s choppy handwriting.
To Deku Izuku
Izuku’s heart hammers in his chest. He carefully opens the letter, still in disbelief.
Izuku,
That’s right, it’s my turn to leave you a letter. I’m sorry I’m not there when you wake up. Just know that as I write this, I’m next to you, watching you sleep. Shit, that seemed less creepy in my head. Bare with me okay? This is new for me.
I didn’t stay because it would break my heart that much more to say goodbye to your face. We all have to protect ourselves in some way, I guess. I’m writing this letter so that you know I’m okay, but also so that you know what I would have said if I had stayed, and what I couldn’t say last night.
I’ve loved you every goddamn moment we’ve known each other. I wanted you to leave me the fuck alone, but I also wanted you to watch me. I wanted to fight you and win, but even more than that I wanted to fight together. I knew I loved you when I saw you one time under that damn cherry blossom tree - you know the one - and you were all wrapped up in your own world. You didn’t even know I was there but you were so peaceful, and I wanted to be part of that peace. I wanted to give it to you.
I know you didn’t want me to say it, Izuku, but I love you. I love you so much it terrifies me. I love you, and I won’t ever stop saying it.
I would say that I’m sorry if this makes it more difficult for you to stay away, but I’m not sorry (at least about this). I’ll never stop trying to get you back. You can keep trying to do this on your own, but I’ll never stop trying to convince you to come back. You belong here with your classmates. You belong here with me, so that we can fight together.
I’m sorry I pushed you away for so long. I’ll never stop fighting to get you back. I love you, and I’ll see you soon. That’s a promise.
Yours,
Kacchan