Chapter Text
My Dear Sister
Lovely Little Eye
Dear Essi,
I fear that I have lost any right to call you by any of the other names I had for you while growing up. You are as dear to me as if you were my own blood.
I have probably also lost the right to see you smile hear your laugh even write you this letter. But it is something that I have to do. I have to fix things need to make things right by you, to apologise. You deserve as much and so much more.
I am so sorry that I left you Bremervoord without saying goodbye to you. I was hurt after our last conversation, but that gave me no right to be a dick to you. Yet, it's what I was.
Leaving the shit hole that is Bremervoord has been the best thing that has happened to my life.
My childhood hasn't been easy, nor kind. Each morning I woke up, wondering what Zelest and his goons would do to me this day. Would they humiliate me? Would they steal my food and destroy the few things I own? Or would they be bored too much by all of this and just beat me up? But why am I saying this? You were there with me. The only person in my life who stood up for me and stood by my side, no matter what. With you by my side I felt like we could overcome everything.
Every moment we spent together was like balm on my soul. Everything else in my life might have been painful, but together we could experience joy.
We've planned You've known of my plans to leave Bremervoord.
Daydreaming with you about what could be our the future while we were sat in the trees behind Bremervoord was always my favourite thing of the day. With you by my side, the future started to look bright.
We were kids, still so young. And we had plans or so I thought. We dreamed joked that while I am going to become the wandering bard, you will become the fountain of knowledge that I knew you could be. I entertain the masses while you gather the stories around us and win us some coin at gwent. This dream, this fantasy, both of us escaping Bremervoord and living our best lives wherever the winding roads of the continent would lead us to, is what made me survive face each day anew. The hope it brought me.
Our My Our plan became more thought-out by the day, routes, means to make money, provision, all accounted for. The day for us to leave approached.
And then, that fateful evening happened. When you broke me. Suddenly, it wasn't our plan anymore, but mine. To hear that you wouldn't come with me, wouldn't leave Bremervoord behind with me, tore me apart. You told me that you were happy in Bremervoord. How could you be happy in the place that hurt me? That you didn't want to leave your family behind. Was I not part of your family?
When you told me this, I felt a pain worse than anything Zelest had ever done to me. I was devastated. I didn't understand. Didn't want to understand. All I could hear was that you were happy and would continue being happy, even with me gone. So that night I packed everything that I we had prepared and left. I went as far as my feet could carry me, blinking away the tears as I felt our friendship shatter. I thought you had betrayed me, were laughing with the others at what a fool I was and it hurt. I am sorry that I thought this about you.
I was going to make it, even if I had to make it on my own. And I did. I was accepted to Oxenfort, became a Master of the Seven Liberal Arts and went out to see the continent as a wandering bard. It was perfect. but I was missing someone to share this with. Of course, it wasn't always easy and I was lonely but it got better when I met a witcher. I became his barker and his friend and together we walk the continent. I think you would like him. You are quite similar in some regards.
Which brings me to the reason I wrote this. After a few years on the path, I can acknowledge that this life is not for everyone. It is for me, but I see that it could have never been the life for you. You belong to Bremervoord, even if it is a backwater dump. It becomes better just from you being there. It was selfish of me to ask you to sacrifice the life you belong to just to make me happy. And yet still, you sacrificed our friendship for my happiness. I didn't make any sacrifices for our friendship, what does this say about me? I can never apologise enough for this. I thank you for all that you've done for me.
Thinking back to that fateful day, I recognise that you were just humouring me and my plans. But not out of anything malicious. You saw the hope grow in my eyes when I was speaking about a life beyond Bremervoord. And instead of crushing that hope and my soul, you nurtured it. You nurtured it until I was strong enough to see those plans through. Even if it was without you. It still broke my very soul broke me, to hear that you never planned on coming with me. But still, you have my thanks for giving me the heartbreak hope and strength to actually leave everything I knew behind. To leave behind the friend I thought I knew.
I am so very sorry for how I left you, how I treated you in the last moment we shared. I regret that it took me years to see the error of my ways, and another to actually be brave enough to send this letter to you. You were always the brave one between us two. I know I don't deserve it but I beg for your forgiveness. You have always been there for me and deserve so much better than how I've treated you. I wish that one day and can be there for you, too.
Forever yours
Your
Bard
Jaskier
Julek
Julian