Chapter Text
- INT. OIAR MAIN OFFICE — NIGHT, RAINING — (COMPUTER).
[A DECREPIT COMPUTER TURNS ON, FOLLOWED BY THE WHINING OF A BARELY-FUNCTIONAL PC AND THE WHIRRING OF ITS FAN.
[FIRST BEEP.]
[THE GRATING WHIR CONTINUES.]
[SECOND BEEP.]
[THE MICROPHONE BEGINS TO RECORD, EAVESDROPPING ON A WORK PARTY]
[MUFFLED VOICES CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND AS IT FOCUSES IN ON A CONVERSATION:]
JON
Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to quit. When was the last time you stopped complaining?
TEDDY
Ah, you know us old men, we have to complain about everything.
JON
Speak for yourself.
ALICE
So says the man whining about the printer earlier. You’d think it was having an affair the way you were going off at it. . . (she pauses, realising the opportunity), no. . . don’t tell me. . .
JON
(sighing) Alice...
ALICE
My my, Jonathan Sims, making out with a printer, and oh, catching Teddy doing the same? Is that why it’s always broken?
JON & TEDDY
Boooo!
ALICE
Boo me all you want! I’ve caught you in the act!
JON
On second thought Teddy, perhaps I should leave with you.
ALICE
You wish. I’ve only just allowed Teddy’s freedom, don’t think I’ll be so kind as to allow yours.
TEDDY
Sorry mate, I’m leaving you as a sacrifice.
JON
Oh well, nothing new there. At least live your life Alice-free and happy for me, will you?
ALICE
(In mock offence) Hey!
[ALL THREE START TO LAUGH QUIETLY AMIDST EACH OTHER]
[THE LAUGHTER SOON FALLS INTO AN AWKWARD SILENCE]
ALICE
(breaking the silence) Sooo, what are you looking forward to the most, besides being rid of me — not that you will be.
TED
I mean, occasionally seeing the sun could be nice?
ALICE
Boooo! Your pathetic addiction to Vitamin D will only make you weak.
TEDDY
But Alice, my bones! They’re ready to snap like twiglets!
ALICE
Listen to me—
JON
(muttering) Oh lord, here we go—
ALICE
—Bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk to keep you buying. No such thing. Don’t believe me? Look no further than our good friend Jon.
JONATHAN
[NON-COMMITTAL SOUND]
TEDDY
Right, so what keeps your body upright?
ALICE
(grinning) Spite and coffee.
JON
And pure dread.
TEDDY
(laughing) Well, I’m afraid we can’t all subsist entirely on coffee, fear, and social media drama.
ALICE
Not with that attitude. I reckon you could crack it in another four years. . .
TEDDY
Another four years of you and cracked is exactly what I’d be!
[SMALL LAUGH]
[BEAT]
ALICE
We’re gonna miss you Teddy.
TEDDY
Nah, we’ll stay in touch, right?
ALICE
(unconvincingly) . . .‘Course. (glitch). I mean— yeah, if you think you can escape my iconic brand of nonsense and Jon’s all but natural freakiness by getting a boring, normal job, you’re going to be sadly disappointed my friend.
TEDDY
You know, most people would consider civil service a boring, normal job.
JON
Well, most people don’t work here.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[A FAINT, RISING STATIC CAN BE HEARD]
JON
Ah, hello Colin.
COLIN
(approaching, a little tipsy) ‘Was gonna agree with you there, ‘til you did that freaky bullshit again.
ALICE
Give him a break Colin, it’s not his fault he’s blessed with divine visions — like myself.
JON
I mean, I wouldn’t exactly call them ‘divine’ but—
ALICE
(elbowing him) Oh hush, I have an IT Manager to pester. So Colin! My Guy! How’s it hanging? Is it an app yet? Do we have a minimalist logo? I assume you’ve finished all the social features.
COLIN
Don’t you start. I swear I’m going to shove a cable down that prick’s throat, pull it out his ministerial anus and floss him to death.
ALICE
Is that what you mean when you go on about things being “backwards compatible”?
TEDDY & COLIN
Booo!
ALICE
Booing me again? I created you, and I can destroy you!
[LAUGHTER]
JON
Even I can admit that was. . . well-timed.
ALICE
See? At least someone appreciates my genius.
JON
Well, rare treasures should be cherished.
ALICE
Ouch!
[TEDDY LAUGHS]
COLIN
(interrupting) So, are we just leaving Sam to the wolves then?
ALICE
He’s a big boy, he can look after himself. Besides, he’s going to be working with them.
COLIN
Sure, but you know how Gwen and Lena can be—
TEDDY
Awful?
JONATHAN
Judgemental?
ALICE
He’s fine, and it’s not like you’re any better Jon.
JON
[ANOTHER NON-COMMITTAL SOUND]
ALICE
‘Course it wouldn’t have been a problem if we’d just done this at the pub like normal. . .
TEDDY
You know Lena—
JON
(Imitating Lena scarily well) — “Proper procedure requires any provided food and beverages to be consumed on site.”
TEDDY
I still don’t know whether to be impressed or disturbed by that.
[JON SHRUGS]
TEDDY
Anyway, fair play to Sam, he’s been a good sport, God knows you wouldn’t have gotten me to a stranger’s goodbye party at six in the morning.
ALICE
Eurgh. Fine, I’ll go rescue him.
[FOOTSTEPS AS ALICE LEAVES]
[BEAT]
COLIN
So. . . Insurance?
TEDDY
It’s reliable.
COLIN
True. Just let me know if they need an IT guy, yeah?
TEDDY
Colin, mate, you know you’re never getting out of here.
COLIN
Christ, don’t say that.
JON
If it’s any comfort, I think I might be stuck here with you.
COLIN
Stuck with your freaky ass? (scoffs) Some comfort that is.
TEDDY
Hey, give Jon a break. He only spends half his work day staring at us all. ‘Sides, I reckon once you crack those fun little errors, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll get out.
JON
Hm. Or they finally kill you.
COLIN
Took the words right outta my mouth, Eyeballs.
TEDDY
I mean, sure, that too.
[BEAT]
TEDDY
Heads up, looks like they’re all coming over.
COLIN
(morose) Great.
[FOUR SETS OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
[ALICE, SAM, LENA AND GWEN APPROACH]
TEDDY
Hey!
LENA
Enjoying the party?
TEDDY
Colin was just saying how much of a blast he’s having (glitch), isn’t that right?
LENA
(sardonic) Oh, really.
COLIN
Aye, sure (glitch).
TEDDY
—And how he’d love to take the afterparty to the pub. (glitch)
JON
(audible smirk) Colin said that?
ALICE
What a great idea, Colin.
LENA
Nonsense. Sam is the only one who has had any cake so far.
GWEN
And that was only because you practically forced it down his throat.
LENA
People like chocolate cake.
GWEN
(sullen) People like being treated like adults.
[THERE IS A HARSH PAUSE]
[GWEN MAY HAVE OVERSTEPPED]
LENA
Thank you for the feedback, Gwen. I will take it under advisement. Now, I was just telling Sam that he can expect supportive co-workers here at the O.I.A.R.
ALICE
Oh yeah. We’re a real family. I’m your cool sister, Gwen’s your uncool sister, Lena’s your emotionally distant mother, Jon’s the weird grandpa you forgot you had, Teddy’s the uncle that just got another job, and Colin’s the family’s grumpy IT manager.
[SERIES OF AWKWARD COUGHS]
GWEN
You’ll have to forgive Alice, Sam, she’s convinced she’s funny.
SAM
It’s alright, we actually go way back.
LENA
Alice recommended Sam for the job.
GWEN
Oh? Nepotism, is it?
ALICE
(acidly) I learned from the best.
JON
(pleading) Alice, dont.
GWEN.
It’s quite alright, if she wants to be a nuisance, she’s free to, but I do hope she pays attention to the fact some of us are trying to enjoy ourselves.
TEDDY
(gently steering) Sooo! I think we might all be done on cake, so I’m going to call it a night and suggest anyone who wants to can decamp to the pub, okay?
COLIN
Plan.
LENA
If that’s the consensus, I will accept it. Although I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you at The Steward—
ALICE
Shame.
LENA
—But do take Sam along, and enjoy yourselves. Just remember it is a work night.
SAM
Oh, er, sure, I’m down.
TEDDY
Great!
LENA
Oh, and Teddy?
TEDDY
Mm?
LENA
I understand you’re leaving us, but that’s no excuse for being sloppy. Please ensure you shut down your workstation before you depart.
TEDDY
Hm? Oh, I already d—
Oh. That’s uh. . . Right, hang on, I’ll just.
[TEDDY PUSHES THE POWER BUTTON]
[BEEP]
[THE RECORDING ENDS, AND THE FANS SPIN DOWN]
—
- INT. OIAR MAIN OFFICE — NIGHT, RAINING — (COMPUTER).
[THE COMPUTER BOOTS UP AGAIN AND BEGINS RECORDING]
[NOISES OF PAPERWORK - SHUFFLING PAPER AND WRITING]
[FOOTSTEPS AS ALICE APPROACHES]
ALICE
Right then, ready?
SAM
Hang on, I’ve still got the last page to fill in. Do I really have to put “Samama Khalid” at the top of every single page?
ALICE
Yeah, they’re pretty big on paperwork around here.
JON
God knows why. I’m almost certain no one actually reads it.
SAM
Good to know all my effort is going to waste then. Are you sure there’s no way to do this online?
[JON STIFLES A LAUGH]
SAM
What?
ALICE
(chuckling) You’ll see. Anyway, hurry it up. Time to mould you like clay into the perfect government drone for the Office of Incident Assessment and Response
SAM
Speaking of, there’s this box for a “Response 121” on the form. Do you know what that is?
ALICE
Oh you can ignore that. There used to be a separate “Response” department, I think, but now it’s just us. ‘Guess they never updated the onboarding.
SAM
Ah. I already ticked it— is that a problem?
ALICE
I doubt it since no one actually reads that stuff.
[BEAT]
ALICE
Right. Pens down, eyes front, class is in session.
SAM
Right.
[THE PAPERWORK IS PUT ASIDE]
SAM
Lead on, Sensei. Actually, wait, why is he here? Shouldn’t he be working?
JON
Oh, I’m usually up to date with my caseload. I figured I’d watch over Alice, make sure she doesn’t lie to you and what not.
ALICE
(gasping) I would never!
SAM
I mean. . .
ALICE
Whatever, I see how it is. Let’s start with lesson one of the O.I.A.R then: always assume golden boy Jon over here is up to date with his caseload, and Lena probably won’t be as annoyed to see him slacking, unlike with the rest of us peasants. Now—
[CLAP]
ALICE
— If you’d let me begin my actual lessons. I let you observe, and I can taketh away.
JON
Of course.
ALICE
Thank you. So, Sam, this cutting-edge device is known as a personal computer, or “PC” for short—
SAM
Alice, I know you’re joking, but how old is this thing? It has a floppy drive.
ALICE
Patience, young one, you’ve got your login details from Colin, right?
SAM
Sure.
ALICE
(faux portentous) Then bestow them unto the device that you may gain it’s ancient wisdom—
SAM
right.
[TYPING NOISES]
[BEEP]
[THE COMPUTER STARTS TO SPIN UP, FAN WHIRRING]
SAM
What—?
JON
Mhm.
ALICE
(pleasantly) Something wrong, sweetie?
SAM
Is this. . . Windows 95?
ALICE
Of course not — don’t be ridiculous!
[SHE PAUSES FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT — JON LETS HER]
ALICE
This is a modified version of Windows NT 4.0, the business-focused predecessor to 95.
SAM
H-How is that even—? There’s no way this is still supported. . .
ALICE
Hey, it’s not as bad as Jon’s old work place. What was it you had to use again?
JON
Oh— um, tape recorders.
SAM
You’re joking.
JON
I’m not. (quiet laugh) The computers didn’t handle some of the audio recordings well, and they usually ended up corrupted, so, we had to improvise. Honestly though, the tape recorders were more reliable than Freddy’s ever been.
[JON AFFECTIONATELY (?) KNOCKS THE SIDE OF THE PC A FEW TIMES]
SAM
Freddy?
ALICE
See that symbol.
[ALICE DOUBLE-CLICKS SOMETHING ON THE SCREEN]
SAM
(sounding out each letter) FR3-d1?
ALICE
This is Freddy.
JON
Otherwise known as the cause of Colin’s many sleepless nights.
ALICE
And the bane of our workload. As far as we know, the program doesn’t even have a proper name. It’s some sort of bespoke software from the mid-nineties, I think. It’s the bedrock that the whole system is based on, and it’s been at least fifteen years since anyone actually knew how it worked.
SAM
What does it do?
ALICE
Crashes, mostly. At least it does if you try to update it, breathe too loudly, or link it to anything developed more recently than the Bronze Age collapse. One time I’m pretty sure it crashed just because Jon called it a, and I quote, “Useless, piece of shit that should have stayed dead”.
JON
(visibly embarrassed) I did say that, didn’t I?
ALICE
Witnesses and all.
SAM
(cutting in) Okay, so what’s it supposed to do, then?
ALICE
It searches online databases, newspapers, forums, or whatever for incidents, flags them, then passes them through to us for assessment.
SAM
What sort of “incidents”?
[JON AND ALICE GO QUIET]
ALICE
(slightly hesitant) You’ll see.
JON
(whispering) Y— You didn’t tell him?
SAM
Tell me what?
ALICE
Nothing. Just carry on.
SAM
(unconvinced) Riiiight, so this list is—
ALICE
Today’s case files. Just double click on the top one.
[SAM DOUBLE-CLICKS]
ALICE
Okay, so, looks like it’s an email.
SAM
And I just. . . read it? Is that even legal?
ALICE
Probably. We do work for the government. Sort of.
SAM
What about GDPR?
ALICE
Look, Sam, I don’t know what to tell you. This is the job. Jon and I have been doing it for years and there’s never been any problems, right, Jon?
JON
None that I’m aware of (glitch), but if it’s really bothering you, you could always ask Lena?
SAM
Sorry, just forget I asked. What’s next?
[HE STARTS READING. PAUSE.]
SAM
This is—
ALICE
Yeah, they’re all like that. At least this one is short, nice easy start for you. So, once you’ve read it, you get out the binder — actually, could you do this bit? This binder drives me crazy as is.
[SHE SLAPS AN ENORMOUS RING BINDER ON THE DESK AND SLIDES IT OVER TO JON]
JON
(sighing) Fine.
[JON BEGINS TO FLICK THROUGH IT]
JON
There. Dolls.
ALICE
Woah, slow down old man, we’re trying to teach Sam here. Yeesh. Alright, so what Jon’s just done is look in the binder for whatever's mentioned most in the case. Here, it’s dolls, so you find the letter D and, well, you get the idea. (finger snap) Eyes on me now, Sam. This is the most important part of your training. Would you say this is more “Dolls-comma-watching,” or “Dolls-comma-human skin”?
SAM
(a bit shell-shocked) I— uh— I mean— I guess the human skin bit is only implied. so— both?
ALICE
Nah, you can only pick one, Freddy’s as dumb as rocks. Jon, what’s your guess?
JON
Watching, I’d say.
ALICE
Gotcha. Additional lesson, Sam. Jon’s never wrong. Right, so after each entry there’s four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So “dolls-comma-watching” is. . . 1157. Then you cross-reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date. Which gives us. . .
[ALICE QUICKLY TYPES]
ALICE
CAT2RC1157-12052022-09012024, and then we hit submit.
[BEAT]
ALICE
Well, go on then.
SAM
Oh, right!
[SAM DOUBLE-CLICKS]
[AN 8-BIT CHIME]
ALICE
Excellent work, we’ll make a wage slave of you yet.
SAM
Where does it go?
ALICE
If I were a betting woman, I’d say some long-dead database that no one will ever look at or care about, but I reckon if you ask Jon, he has some nutjob conspiracy about how the government is secretly run by floating eyeballs. Take your pick, really.
JON
(flustered) — I do not!
ALICE
Ah, but I know you Jon, better than you know yourself. You probably have some red string board hidden away in your attic for crying out loud.
[JON MAKES A SOUND OF PROTEST]
ALICE
But seriously, Sam, wherever it goes it’s nothing important, otherwise we’d have a better system and a decently staffed department by now.
SAM
So why do it?
ALICE
Because that’s what they’re paying us to do.
[SAM MAKES AN INCREDULOUS SOUND]
ALICE
Welcome to civil service.
SAM
(amused, despite himself) What the hell sort of job have you gotten me, Alice?
ALICE
One where you get paid to hang out with the coolest person left in London every night. Oh, and I guess this old man too.
[SHE LIGHTLY HITS JON ON THE BACK]
JON
I’d argue that “Coolest” is subjective. . .
ALICE
(ignoring him) You’re welcome!
SAM
Right, so. . .
[HE DOUBLE-CLICKS AGAIN]
[A ROBOTIC TEXT-TO-SPEECH-SOUNDING VOICE BLARES FROM THE SPEAKERS ABRUPTLY]
NORRIS (COMPUTER)
To: Darla Winstead ([email protected])
From: Harriet Winstead ([email protected])
Date: May 12, 2022
Subject: Re: Re: checking in
SAM
(shouting over computer) Alice, Jon, What is this?
ALICE
(shouting) Hey! You got Norris!
JON
(shouting) Martin!
SAM
(shouting) What?
ALICE
(shouting) It’s. . . hang on, you can pause it by hitting space—
[SHE HITS SPACE BAR, AND THE VOICE STOPS]
ALICE
(normal volume) Sorry, didn’t think you’d get one of those so soon.
SAM
One of what? Why is it reading it out?
ALICE
Started about a year ago. Best Colin can figure, something broke and whichever genius made the program ran some redundancy through the sound card.
JON
Which doesn’t seem right. . .
ALICE
Don’t you get started. Anyway, Lena won’t authorise Colin’s proposed solution: smashing it with a hammer. All it really means is that it’ll read out one in twenty cases and won’t let you do the next one until it finishes.
SAM
But— no, hang on, that doesn’t make any sense. If Freddy’s a search program from the nineties, why would it have text to speech.
JON
(bitterly) Excellent question.
ALICE
We did try asking Colin a while back.
SAM
And what did he say?
ALICE
Nothing. He just snapped a pencil and walked away, or, he tried to, got real touchy when Jon started pushing the question.
JON
Hah. Yes, he uh. . . doesn’t like when I ask him things.
ALICE
The point is, it’s a completely knackered system that’s old as balls. Dangly, grey-haired old man balls—
JON
(under his breath) — I didn’t need that image in my mind. . .
ALICE
—And until it finally collapses forever, we just have to put up and shut up.
SAM
So, how do we stop it reading them out?
ALICE
No idea. So now, when we come across a chatty case, we generally take that as a cue to get coffee. Then we come back and read through it once the computer’s done waffling. “We” being me, Gwen and formerly Teddy. Jon usually sticks around to listen, not sure why.
JON
It can be interesting, and soothing, in some cases.
ALICE
(too used to him to be disturbed) You do you, Grandpa.
SAM
Uh-huh. . . and who’s Norris, and Martin?
JON
Martin is the correct name.
ALICE
Boo-hoo, I’m doing the teaching here mister. Sam shall abide by my rules, which means Norris is the correct name.
SAM
And Norris is?
ALICE
The voice you just heard now. There’s two of them — I call the other Augustus.
JON
(fake cough) Jonah.
ALICE
Which, as you can see, Jon disagrees with, and Gwen doesn’t like me doing it at all. You, my apprentice, shall refer to them as Chester and Norris respectively. Don’t let either traitor corrupt your mind.
JON
Jonah and Martin sound better than Augustus and Norris, objectively!
ALICE
Keep coping, old man, Sam clearly agrees with me.
SAM
Uh— yeah, sure. It’s okay if I do hear it though? Like, I’m just thinking I can finish up this onboarding here while it’s running.
ALICE
Knock yourself out. Just grab me in the breakroom when it’s done. We’ve got a lot more to get through. Jon?
JON
I’ll stay. I’m curious about this one.
ALICE
Oh, right (grinning), nearly forgot to tell Sam all about your massive crush on Norris.
[JON MAKES A STRANGLED NOISE]
JON
It is not a—
ALICE
(cutting him off) You have fun with the creepy text-to-speech, boys!
[FOOTSTEPS AS ALICE WALKS AWAY]
SAM
(awkwardly) Uh, will do?
JON
Here.
[JON HITS THE SPACEBAR]
[THE VOICE CONTINUES]
—
- CYBERSPACE
NORRIS (COMPUTER)
To: Darla Winstead ([email protected])
From: Harriet Winstead ([email protected])
Date: May 12, 2022
Subject: Re: Re: checking in
I’m so sorry. I should have listened. I just couldn’t face the thought of the rest of my life never hearing him again, I had to try. It wasn’t a scam, not like you said.
[...]
Are you free tonight? I don’t want to stay at the house. I know you warned me that it was too full of memories, but this isn’t that. I’m afraid, Darla, and worse, I think it’s Arthur I’m afraid of. Or what’s left of him. (slowing, robotic) Please get back to me a.s.a.p.
—
- INT. OIAR MAIN OFFICE — NIGHT, RAINING — (COMPUTER)
[SAM EXHALES SLOWLY, SLIGHTLY FREAKED OUT]
[JON HUMS, INTRIGUED]
JON
Some of him, huh. . .
SAM
(jumps) Wha— What?
JON
Oh, don’t mind me, the case was interesting is all.
SAM
I guess?
[SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS FROM BEHIND THEM]
ALICE
You didn’t come get me?
SAM
. . . yeah, sorry. I got distracted. Are they all like that?
ALICE
What, upsetting and horrible? Yeah, pretty much.
JON
By usual standards, this one was. . . fairly tame. I uh— hope that doesn’t put you off it at all?
SAM
No, it’s fine, I’ll just be looking forward to a bad one I guess. . .
ALICE
So, ready to score it?
SAM
Oh— yeah, sure. So, uh—
[HE BEGINS FLICKING THROUGH PAGES OF THE BINDER]
SAM
“Zombies” would probably be under, Z, right?
JON
You think it’s zombies?
SAM
Y— Yeah, is it not?
GWEN
(calling from a distance) Obviously not.
ALICE
I’m sorry, Gwen, did you need something?
[FOOTSTEPS AS GWEN APPROACHES]
GWEN
(now closer) Just making sure you’re training him up properly.
JON
(exasperated) Yes, well, thank you, Gwen, but I was handling it just fine.
GWEN
So I see, but if I’m not mistaken, Sam is supposed to be shadowing Alice today.
ALICE
Oh, you know Jon, always up to date with his caseload, unlike some of us.
GWEN
And that isn’t an excuse to stop working. (to Sam) You’ll want to put “Reanimation”.
[GWEN TAKES THE BINDER AND STARTS FLICKING THROUGH PAGES]
JON
I was going to suggest that—
GWEN
Here. I’d probably go with “partial”, cross-linked with regret, but—
JON
(interrupting) —You could potentially go with “algamamative”, subsection “semi”, both would be acceptable.
[GWEN CAN BE HEARD SCOFFING AS JON TALKS]
ALICE
(smug) Done being helpful, Gwen? Or does her majesty have any more helpful additions.
GWEN
Fine. So long as Sam isn’t getting a misfile on his first case—
ALICE
That literally never happens—
JON
(overlapping) He won’t—
GWEN
— Then I suppose it’s fine.
SAM
(somewhat afraid) So. . . I’ll just put “reanimation”, then?
ALICE
Sure thing. Like I said, Jon’s never wrong.
GWEN
(muttering) And if he wasn’t here you’d have probably let him put zombies.
ALICE
What was that?
GWEN
Nothing. (glitch)
ALICE
No, no. If you have something you want to say—
[THE RISING STATIC FADES IN AGAIN]
JON
(not looking up from his seat) —I think Lena wants you in her office, Gwen.
[ALICE PAUSES AS GWEN LOOKS OVER]
GWEN
Oh joy. Just what I need tonight.
[SHE STANDS AND STARTS HEADING OFF]
GWEN
(calling back to them) Don’t let Alice teach you any bad habits, Sam. If you can, listen to Jon.
SAM
I’ll— do my best?
ALICE
(good-natured) Traitor. . .
[BEAT]
[DOOR IS DISTANTLY HEARD OPENING AND CLOSING]
SAM
Okay, what was that all about.
ALICE
That, my apprentice, was your first real encounter with Gwendolyn Bouchard — hall monitor of the office.
JON
Not an inaccurate descriptor.
ALICE
She doesn’t like me because I apparently “misfile” cases and “don’t care enough about the work,” and she doesn’t like Jon because he “accurately files cases” and “cares too much about the work”. So, honestly, no point in trying to get on her good side, if one even exists.
SAM
Yikes.
ALICE
There’s no reasonable reason for anyone hating yours truly, of course, so there’s always the possibility she’s evil incarnate.
JON
And I think she’s ah. . . how to say it. . .
ALICE
Completely jealous of you to an embarrassing degree?
JON
I— well— yes, that seems about right.
SAM
Why would she be jealous?
ALICE
Don’t ask me. For some reason she thinks accuracy rates and filed cases matters, and Jon’s basically the reigning champion of both. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s after his crown. Goodness, If we aren’t careful, she might even resort to bloodshed, but never fear gramps, I’ll protect you.
JON
(mildly amused) Much appreciated.
SAM
And here Lena promised me “very supportive” co-workers.
ALICE
(gasp) What are me and Jon to you, wet pieces of paper? Forget about the Wicked Witch of the West, us two are all the support you could need.
JON
(chuckling) And that, I think, is my cue to start working again.
ALICE
Oh boo!
JON
Good luck, Sam. Your final lesson will be surviving her.
SAM
Hah. Sounds easy enough.
ALICE
(playing along) I am still here, you know?
—
- INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE — NIGHT, RAINING — SOME TIME AFTER GWEN AND LENA’S MEETING — (MANAGER’S SPEAKERPHONE)
[JON ENTERS — THE DOOR SHUTS BEHIND HIM]
JON
(sighing) Hello Lena.
LENA
Jonathan. Please, sit down. This won’t take too much of your time.
JON
(the voice of a man who has done this one too many times) Let me guess, despite our talk, Colin has somehow found something else to complain about between the party and now. Enlighten me. Was my stare too “unsettling”, did I “notice him too quickly”?
LENA
Neither. In fact, this has nothing to do with Colin, unless there is something I should be aware of? I was under the impression that any issues between the two of you had been dealt with.
JON
Oh— oh. It— Yes, it has. I assumed—
LENA
You assumed incorrectly, and I would advise, in the future, you address me with more respect, no matter the subject of the meeting.
JON
(subdued) Of course.
LENA
Is there anything else?
[JON SHAKES HIS HEAD]
LENA
Good. Onto the matter I called you in for. Recently, I had offered you the role of Externals Liaison—
JON
(under his breath) Oh God. . .
LENA
— I would like to follow up on that.
JON
You want to know if I've changed my mind.
LENA
Precisely.
JON
(firm) Well I haven’t.
[BEAT]
LENA
I see.
JON
I know what the job entails, and I don’t want any part in that (glitch).
LENA
That is. . . reasonable. Should you change your mind, the offer will remain open. Unless, of course, it is filled, which I highly doubt.
JON
Difficult skills to come by, I imagine.
LENA
Of a sort. As of now, you are the only one I would consider qualified for the role. I do not believe that will change any time soon.
JON
Hm. Interesting. You aren’t going to try and convince me to change my mind?
LENA
I see no point in doing so. It will only waste both our time. With that said, you are dismissed, unless you have any other issues to raise?
JON
None at all.
[HE STANDS UP A LITTLE TOO QUICKLY]
JON
Have a good day, Lena.
[THE DOOR IS SLAM SHUT]
-
- EXT. OUTSIDE ROYAL MINT COURT — NIGHT, RAINING — (CCTV)
[JON IS LEANED AGAINST A WALL, TAKING A LONG DRAG OF A CIGARETTE]
[ALICE APPROACHES]
ALICE
You know, if you keep smoking like that, it may actually kill you before old age does.
[JON HUFFS A LAUGH]
ALICE
How’d you even get that thing to light?
JON
A bit of drizzle isn’t so bad.
ALICE
Speak for yourself, I’m soaked.
JON
You could go back inside, leave an old man to his woes.
ALICE
Fat chance. You aren’t allowed to mope during work hours — remember the rule.
JON
That. . . has never been a rule.
ALICE
Uh, yeah it has. I made it just now, and you—
[SHE SNATCHES THE CIGARETTE FROM HIS HAND]
JON
Hey!
ALICE
— Have to abide by it.
[JON STAYS SILENT, GLARING]
ALICE
Say “Yes, Alice” and I’ll give you it back.
JON
(through gritted teeth) Yes, Alice.
[HIS PRECIOUS CIGARETTE IS RETURNED TO HIM]
JON
(not even the slightest bit grateful) Thank you.
ALICE
Hey, don’t give me that look, someone has to look after you, smoking your lungs black at thirty-six. Don’t expect me to mourn if you drop dead in the office tomorrow.
JON
(in the tone of a father who’s caught you in the act) Alice. Why are you really out here?
ALICE
I’m—
JON
And don’t say to check up on me.
ALICE
I’ll have you know that’s exactly why I’m here, and I’m hurt you think otherwise.
JON
(unconvinced) Mhm.
ALICE
Okay, fine, you caught me. I came out to annoy you. (glitch)
JON
See, that wasn’t so hard to admit.
ALICE
Yeah, yeah. If you come back inside to the social world, however, we can annoy Gwen together, sparing you in the process.
JON
I’ll pass. I have to finish this.
[HE HOLDS UP THE CIGARETTE AND TAKES ANOTHER DRAG]
ALICE
Your loss. I have a Sam to check in on anyhow. I may have told him to ask Colin about the app. . .
JON
Alice. . .
ALICE
I am but the sea, both a loving and a cruel mistress.
JON
Mm, and I believe the sea has a sailor she needs to save?
ALICE
Right you are, captain!
[SHE SALUTES AND MAKES HER DRAMATIC EXIT]
JON
(calling out) First Mate!
—
- CYBERSPACE
AUGUSTUS (COMPUTER)
Forums.lostcityurbex.com.
Board index: Spelunking. Sites.
New Topic: Magnus Institute Ruins.
By GreenCanary on Monday October 18, 2018, 9:13AM
Okay, so I may have been impulsive, and I need to put this somewhere before I decide what to do. This seemed like the right place for it? It’s about the Magnus Institute Ruins.
I grew up here in Manchester, so it’s not like I haven’t seen it before, but I never really paid any mind to it, you know? It’s always just been there: a cool bit of history. It’s only after moving back here that it’s really caught my attention. I was looking at the lists here for some good sites to check out, keep up my spelunking, and, as no surprise, it was on there. I was a bit confused about it though. It was listed as “cleared”, but with no pictures or info. Usually, if something is cleared, it’s been explored to death already, with a dozen photos to show for it, but the page was completely blank.
It’s a pretty big urban legend around here, so I figured it would already be explored to hell and back, but I guess not? Anyway, I’ve always wanted to check it out, so I got up bright and early for it. I realise I probably should have checked here beforehand. I was just so excited!
Now I’m here though, I’m kind of nervous. Any thoughts?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Monday October 18 2018 10:03AM
To my knowledge, Devan hasn’t updated those lists in a while. I’m familiar with the name though, and heard some spooky shit about that place. I’d say go for it though, most legends are just that — legends.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Monday October 18 2018 10:37AM
Hey! So I try to update the lists as frequently as possible, usually when stuff comes through, but the Magnus Institute has always been a weird one. If you ask any experienced spelunker in that area they’ll say it's cleared, but I’ve never gotten any photos of the place. Would love to though! Definitely check it out! Just be careful!
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Monday October 18 10:52AM
Cheers! This is just the boost I needed. I’ll check it now and give a report after.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Monday October 18 2018 11:00AM
Looking forward to the report!
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Monday October 18 2018 4:49PM
Got back a bit ago. Needed time to process. Had to call the police.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Monday October 18 2018 6:17PM
What the fuck?? Are you okay???
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Monday October 18 2018 9:22PM
I hope they’re alright!
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide on Tuesday October 19 2018 8:36AM
Update???
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Tuesday October 19 2018 2:28PM
Sorry. I was still a bit shaken, and I’ve been having difficulty finding any of the photos I managed to get before the incident. It’s fine though, police said they’ve sorted it out.
Still feel like I’m being watched. Old buildings do that to you I think, and this building was old old. I know it was built in the 1800s, so that makes sense. It definitely hasn’t been touched since the fire, what, 20 years ago? Cleared my ass.
Overall it was pretty solid in structure, safe enough — seems like there was a third floor once, not anymore though. Lots of austere furnishing that didn’t look half bad, some cramped offices, the odd unsalvagable painting etc. Everything else about it was just plain weird. I kept getting this creepy vibe, like I was being followed, or that non-existent doors would just close behind me, and, in hindsight, I think I was being followed, which is not something you want to hear on a spelunking forum, I know, but it’s the truth. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had to call the police.
It sounds pretty occult now that I’m typing it out, and that isn’t even the strangest part. I know I said the place was untouched, but for some reason, there was a bunch of graffiti on the walls that looked like it had been there decades, not tags or anything — there were no tags at all — but proper spooky shit, like weird symbols, and some stains I’m trying not to think too hard about. If you told me the place was being used for some ritual sacrifice I’d believe you in a heart beat.
Maybe that’s what that was. I don’t even know if I can talk about it really. God knows I already sound insane.
It’s just that I was exploring more, and I was planning on heading down into the basement where I think there was some kind of Archive, when I heard something. It was like static, or I think it was static, and it kept getting louder. I realised pretty quick it was coming from downstairs. I was planning to get out of there when the static cresendoed, and I heard what I think was a scream. It sounded… pained. I don’t think I really can describe it outside of that. I can’t even say if it sounded human or not, I was too busy running by then. Called 999 the second I got out.
Long story short: don’t explore these ruins. It is not worth it.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Tuesday October 19 2018 5:13PM
Is this a joke?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Tuesday October 19 2018 5:20PM
I wish.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Wednesday October 20 2018 6:07AM
Did the police find anything?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide on Wednesday October 20 2018 12:30PM
GreenCanary? You okay man??
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Friday October 21 2018 2:19AM
I’m good. Just trying to work out these photos. I know I took a bunch, just can’t find them. The only one I found was one of the basement stairs, and it’s nearly pitch black, so not much use.
The police say they didn’t find anything. The more I think about it though, the more I’m sure that’s bullshit. I don’t even think they went into the ruins themselves. Fair enough, like I sad that place is creepy with a capital C. Still, puts me on edge. I know what I heard, and I know they believed me with how on edge they looked, wish they actually did something about it.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Friday October 21 2018 8:34AM
Quote: and it’s practically pitch black, so not much use.
I take it you’ve tried editing it?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Friday October 21 2018 8:51AM
Not yet. Been too busy. Police report stuff. Good shout though.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Friday October 21 2018 10:40AM
[IMAGE REMOVED BY MODERATOR]
What the fuck.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide on Friday October 21 2018 10:59AM
Jesus Christ. What is that?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Friday October 21 2018 12:18PM
No warning will be given, but I will have to remove your photo, GreenCanary. Technically speaking it doesn’t break any rules, however, I don’t know if we can keep that in here.
On a less moderator note: What the hell??? Did you edit that in??
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary Friday October 21 2018 3:33PM
I swear I didn’t. I don’t know what that is.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Friday October 21 2018 4:09PM
I did not see the photo, and I don’t think I want to. I’m going to make a call here and say maybe we leave this place alone. If Canary is being honest, it is not worth the visit. I say keep it marked as cleared too, maybe with a warning, deter anyone else.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Friday October 21 2018 4:31PM
Sounds good.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Friday October 21 2018 10:27PM
No arguments from me.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Saturday November 3 2018 1:14AM
I know it’s been a while. I know we decided to drop it. But this photo. I can’t stop staring at it, I guess. Everytime I try and delete it, I end up staring. My brother’s worried for me, says he’ll catch me staring for hours if he doesn’t stop me. Pretty freaky, huh?
I get why I stare though. The hand feels sorta. . . beckoning? Like it’s calling me over or something messed up like that.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I can do this anymore, the staring, the nightmares. I need closure. Call me stupid, but I’m going to go back. Figured I’d let you guys know beforehand. I promise I’ll be safe yada yada. I just need to know. I’ll give a report after, promise.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Saturday November 3 2018 9:20AM
Do NOT go back. That place isn’t safe.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Saturday November 3 2018 10:15AM
Please respond.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide on Saturday November 3 2018 10:43AM
I think they already went. Canary, please respond as soon as you can??
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By GreenCanary on Saturday November 3 2018 1:46PM
[IMAGE REMOVED BY MODERATOR]
Report: Canaries belong underground.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep Saturday November 3 2018 2:00PM
Are those eyes? Are you alright? What the hell man. Mods??
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide Saturday November 3 2018 2:18PM
They are not okay. Absolutely not. Please tell me this is some stupid joke, because it isn’t funny anymore.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Saturday November 3 2018 2:50PM
I will not be banning Canary now, for the sake of hoping they update later, but, when they do return, they will be warned and potentially banned depending on their defence.
That aside, I’m really worried. Do we contact the authourities?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By CarbonLieOxide on Saturday November 3 2018 4:39PM
Maybe??
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By Devan on Saturday November 3 2018 5:15PM
I’ll work something out.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BuriedDeep on Wednesday November 7 2018 2:27PM
Any update on Canary’s situation? I’m still kinda worried, especially after those photos. I swear I saw someone behind them.
[THREAD LOCKED BY MODERATOR]
-
- INT. OIAR MAIN OFFICE — NIGHT, RAINING — (COMPUTER)
[THE VOICE STOPS]
[A SHAKEN SILENCE]
[ALICE SPEAKS ABRUPTLY:]
ALICE
You got a Magnus case?
SAM
(startled out of his trance) Jesus, Alice! How long have you been standing there?
ALICE
Not long. I was hoping to scare you, then I heard Augustus’ little bedtime story. Eugh. I though we stopped getting those ones ages ago.
SAM
(intrigued) There’s been more?
ALICE
A few, nothing too important, just— don’t tell Jon you got one, alright?
SAM
What? Why?
[GWEN STOPS TYPING, LISTENING IN]
ALICE
Something about them sets him of, like, big time. Teddy and I had to hold an intervention he got that obsessed with it— I think even her majesty Gwen was worried.
GWEN
It was difficult not to be.
ALICE
(vague gesturing) See. Look, just, keep it quiet. If you miraculously get another one, keep that quiet too.
SAM
Okay— what if I get one and he’s in the room?
ALICE
Then just— stop him from asking any questions. He can get. . .intense.
SAM
Duelly Noted. Anything else I should know?
[OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
ALICE
Nope, I think you’re all caught up to speed.
[FOOTSTEPS AS JON APPROACHES]
JON
Sam’s cleared his cases?
SAM
Ah, not yet.
ALICE
He had another talker: your favourite actually.
JON
(groaning) Jonah is not my favourite.
ALICE
I think you mean Augustus.
JON
No, I mean Jonah.
GWEN
Must you name them?
ALICE
I don’t name them. The universe names them. Through me. Jon’s just the false prophet.
[GWEN SCOFFS]
JON
If you say so. (to Sam) Do you think you’re alright to carry on? You look a little um. . . pale. If you need to take a break. . .
SAM
I’m alright, thanks. I don’t have much left to do.
ALICE
Eh, you could probably get away with leaving now. It is your first night, so I’m sure Lena will let you catch up tomorrow.
GWEN
Because Lena is so very understanding.
SAM
No, it’s fine, I’ll push on.
[BEAT]
ALICE
. . . Alright. Jon isn’t wrong though, you are looking a little pale. We’re not really monitored with breaks, so seriously, if you need to step away after a bad one, no one’s gonna mind. ‘Cept maybe Gwen.
SAM
Sure.
ALICE
Ping me when you’re done. Jon and I will have a pint waiting.
JON
We will?
SAM
(overlapping) At six thirty in the morning?
JON
Alice, I have to get April ready for school.
ALICE
Shit, right. Guess it’ll just be me and you, Sam.
SAM
(lightly) Oh, joy.
ALICE
I’ll send you the address.
—
- INT. A QUIET PUB — MORNING, LIGHT RAIN — (ALICE’S PHONE).
[A BEER IS PLONKED DOWN ON THE TABLE]
ALICE
To the first day of the rest of your nights!
SAM
(exhausted) Cheers.
JON
It wasn’t so bad, was it?
SAM
No worse than Alice warned me. Although, (to Alice) setting me up like that with the IT guy was—
ALICE
Hilarious, I know. It’s a win-win: you get a job, I get a fresh victim. It’s all in your contract.
SAM
Don’t remember signing that particular bit of the paperwork.
JON
And that is why you read the fine print.
[JON TAKES A SWIG OF HIS DRINK]
ALICE
Look closely Sam, this is the prime example of a man who’s been in your exact position.
SAM
What? At your mercy?
ALICE
Exactly.
[SAM TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK]
SAM
I didn’t even know pubs opened this early.
ALICE
Six AM to nine AM. It’s mostly for market traders who set up in the wee hours, but there are a few of us nightcrawlers who frequent. Cosy, innit?
SAM
It’s not bad. (to Jon) How come you’re here anyway, I thought you had a kid to take to school?
JON
I did, until my babysitter called and insisted he had it handled. Something about me being “too stressed” recently, so he told me to “take the morning off”. Although, I wouldn’t exactly call any morning with Alice stress-free.
ALICE
You’re really getting bold, aren’t you, old man?
JON
I learn from the worst.
ALICE
Aw, he loves me really.
[SAM LAUGHS]
[HE TAKES ANOTHER TIRED SIP]
SAM
You two seem close.
ALICE
‘Tis the unbreakable bond of working night shift together for too many years.
JON
That, and she latches onto her victims like a parasite.
SAM
God, tell me about it.
ALICE
Boo! You boys are lucky to have me!
SAM
Sometimes. Thank you, by the way.
ALICE
It’s fine. Next one’s on you, though.
SAM
No, I mean for the job. I don’t know if I’ve actually said it. Thanks for this.
JON
(humming) I wouldn’t be thanking her just yet.
ALICE
I won’t take offence to that, only because I agree. Not sure this is the sort of job you’d thank someone for hooking you up with.
SAM
It’s something to focus on. And i need that right now.
ALICE
(carefully) And it’s not— too awkward, working with an ex.
[JON CLEARS HIS THROAT]
SAM
(lightly) Only if she won’t stop bullying me.
ALICE
(joking back) Ah. Guess it’ll always be awkward then. . .
JON
(exaggerated exhasperation) I am still here, you know.
[SAM SNORTS GOOD-NATUREDLY]
[ALICE BARKS A LAUGH]
[BEAT. THEY ALL DRINK]
SAM
So. . .
ALICE
Yeah?
SAM
These cases. . .
ALICE
(sighing) Yeah.
SAM
Do you— Is there— What’s up with them? You think they’re real?
[BEAT]
[ALICE EXHALES]
JON
. . . I’ll let Alice take this one.
ALICE
If you ask me, I don’t see how they could be? Mostly I try not to think of them like that, like, things that might or might not have really happened. They’re just words on the screen. (warily) If you ask Jon. . .
JON
Some are. Some aren’t. I tend to work by the basis that the only guarantee one is real is if it’s read aloud, or if it links with another case. One of my conspiracies, as Alice would say.
ALICE
(sing-song) It’ll drive you mad one of these days.
SAM
I guess that makes sense. . . I’ve no idea what the O.I.A.R even is.
ALICE
You and everyone else. Jon and I have checked and there’s not really much info on it. My current working theory is that maybe it got set up in the 70s, back when everyone was off their tits on LSD and giving ghost-hunters massive grants to wave crystals in graveyards. I reckon at some point they must have put together a small government department to, like, oversee the spending and monitor this stuff and no one’s noticed it’s still going.
SAM
Makes sense.
JON
To each their own.
ALICE
Jon. . .
JON
(defensive) I didn’t say anything else!
ALICE
Just making sure.
[BEAT]
ALICE
Look, as long as you don’t pay too much attention, you won’t end up like koo koo crazy over here.
JON
[NON-COMMITAL SOUND]
ALICE
Try not to dwell on it. Besides, It’s worth the paycheck, right?
JON
(chipping in) And a Civil Service Pension.
SAM
True, I could be cleaning toilets.
ALICE
You wish. Cleaning toilets actually helps people. Besides, you wouldn’t last a night. Stick with scoring horrors until you— well, actually.
SAM
What?
ALICE
I was going to make a joke about your noodle arms, but I can’t decide which one of you is worse. It looks like I have two stickbugs on my hands.
SAM
(mock-outrage) Noodle arms?!
ALICE
Just a pair of waggling vermicellis. Compared to Jon though, you almost look muscular.
JON
(sarcasm) The compliment is appreciated, as always, Alice.
ALICE
Someone’s gotta lift your spirits.
SAM
And thank goodness we work night shifts. I heard that really helps with your health.
JON
Oh, terribly.
ALICE
Please. Your health is beyond saving, old man. I may be the patron saint of cute wimps but even I can’t salvage that: smoking six packs a day, barely sleeping, me and Sam may as well be planning a funeral already.
JON
I do not smoke six packs a— (sigh)
SAM
Years of working here and you’re still her victim?
JON
Don’t let her decieve you, it never ends.
ALICE
(grinning) I’ll toast to that.
[SAM RAISES HIS GLASS]
SAM
To new beginnings then.
ALICE
With old friends.
JON
And new ones.
[ALL THREE CLINK THEIR CLASSES TOGETHER]
[THE RECORDING CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY.]
—
- INT. JON’S FLAT — MORNING, LIGHT RAIN — (JON’S PHONE)
[AUDIO IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY]
[KEYS JANGLE AS JON FUMBLES TO UNLOCK THE DOOR]
[THE DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND IS THEN SHUT PROMPTLY AFTER]
JON
(calling out) Elias? Are you still here?
[THERE’S A COMMOTION IN A DIFFERENT ROOM]
ELIAS
(muffled) Yes— Yes! Give me a moment!
[FOOTSTEPS BECOME CLEARER AS SOMEONE ELSE WALKS IN]
ELIAS
Welcome home. I was just— ah, tidying after last night.
JON
(huffs) Did April make a mess again?
ELIAS
Fingerpainting, as it were.
[BRIEF PAUSE]
ELIAS
Are you alright, Jon? You look exhausted.
JON
Work. The usual. Uh— Thank you, for taking April to school, by the way. She wasn’t too upset I— I hope?
ELIAS
(sternly) Jon, you spend most mornings getting her ready, and every afternoon making up for lost time, and don’t get me bloody started on weekends. She wasn’t upset.
JON
(taken-aback) R— Right. Good to know. And you, it isn’t too much trouble?
ELIAS
Never. April’s a lovely girl, and besides, I offered. No extra pay needed.
[JON EXHALES LOUDLY - RELIEVED]
JON
Thank you Eli. Really— thank you.
ELIAS
Anytime. Oh, and, before I go—
[FABRIC RUSTLES AS ELIAS PUTS ON HIS COAT]
ELIAS
How’s my niece?
JON
(feigning a smile) Same as ever.
ELIAS
Irritable and pompous?
JON
How did you know?
ELIAS
Uncle’s intuition. Besides, I know what my brother is like, and, well. . .
JON
(apologetic) I try to be good to her Eli, I do, but she just—
ELIAS
(cutting him off harshly) I know. We’ll say no more on it.
JON
I’ll see you tomorrow then?
ELIAS
Same time as usual.
JON
Alright, take care of yourself, Eli. Don’t—
ELIAS
(teasing) Lose my eyes in a tragic mugging?
[JON GROANS, PINCHING HIS BRIDGE]
JON
You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?
ELIAS
Not until the gates of hell swallow you whole, my friend, which, speaking of, I believe I have a date with devil’s lettuce.
JON
(amused) Naturally.
[THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN]
ELIAS
Get some rest Jon – some actual rest!
JON
I will (glitch).
[THE DOOR SHUTS — JON IS LEFT ALONE]
[FABRIC RUSTLES]
[AUDIO BECOMES CLEARER AS JON’S PHONE IS PULLED FROM HIS POCKET]
JON
(coldly) What have I told you about listening?
[THE AUDIO IS CUT OFF ABRUPTLY]