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It was only when Donatello finally fixed the broken tv Splinter had found in an ally and got it hooked to cable that he realized he was slightly different than his brothers. It was a graduate change. It didn’t come immediately. And besides, it was hard to notice when he was already different in the way that he would rather spend time taking their half-broken toy cars apart and putting them back together than playing pirates. So, it wasn’t out of the ordinary that he stood out. Until it was, of course.
They were about eight years old, maybe nine, and Splinter still left for the surface almost every night to gather food from dumpsters and trash cans in the park. That meant a lot of time being left to their own devices where the tv and playing with each other was the only form of entertainment.
They had been young which translated to naive. Talking and dreaming about human society as if they would fit right in, same old story. Like they would one day be able to go to restaurants or school or find a job. To make friends and interact with humans like they saw it on tv. As if any of it was possible and only out of reach for now because of their age. It felt silly looking back on now, but they had been kids desperate to fit into a society they hadn’t ever been a part of.
“When I get a girlfriend, I want her to look like that.” Raph had said, pointing at the actress from whatever movie they had been watching. Mikey instantly turned to him with big eyes.
“What about that one that sings about getting hit?” he asked as he practically crawled on Raph’s shell to get closer to the pixelated screen.
Leo spoke up from the pillow he was sitting on. “Who?”
“You know, the one with pretty hair?” Mikey jumped down from his brother and began moving his arms and feet in impossible directions, clearly trying to replicate dance moves from memory. “And then she does that dance, remember?”
Donnie pushed his taped-up glasses up his nose as he tried to put a name to the tune Mikey had begun humming. “Britney Spears?”
Mikey’s grin widened and he nodded eagerly. “Yeah!” Then he sighed as he sat down beside Raph again. “She’s so pretty. Right Leo?”
Leo looked away from the tv to look at his brother. He shrugged. “I guess.”
Mikey pouted at his brother’s disinterest and turned to Donnie instead.
“Who do you wanna be your girlfriend, Don?” It was Mikey again.
Donnie looked over at him and felt his face heat up. To be honest, he had never thought about it. About girlfriends. He looked back at the tv and the actress Raph had talked about. She was beautiful, with dark blonde hair and perfect soft skin. Donnie didn’t know why but his first thought was that she probably smelled nice. Like flowers. Or coconut.
Then he looked at the actor she was leaning in to kiss. His flowy dark hair and the way his eyes lingered on the actress’s lips. His neck as he swallowed and his jaw when he finally sealed the kiss. Donnie felt a knot in his stomach and tore his eyes away. He forced them back on Mikey.
“Uhm,” he paused to find his voice. “Maybe that girl from the Pepsi commercial?”
Mikey let out a squeak of agreement. Raph smirked and said “nice”. The knot settled.
≡
As they got older, they learned that the relationships they saw on tv were unattainable to them. It was obvious that none of it had ever been realistic, but the realization that came with growing up still made their loneliness more prominent. They knew now that they would never be able to walk above ground like humans. Never be able to even get an ounce of the life they saw in all the tv-shows and movies (or the books that took up most of Donnie’s room). But despite all this, pretending helped them feel normal. So, they all allowed themselves to pretend together, even into their teenage years.
“Dude, she’s so hot. I wanna date her.”
It was Mikey this time, and the girl in question was Beyoncé. Donnie remembered because he liked her music. Especially that one song about a halo that seemed to always get stuck in his head whenever he showered. It was annoyingly catchy. And she always seemed to be shiny? Twinkling, maybe. He hadn’t really given her any other thought besides that.
As he looked around it became obvious he was the only one.
Raph was watching right alongside a basically drooling Mikey. Even Leo, who was always sort of indifferent whenever the conversation turned to girls (some sort of pride thing that manifested itself in the way he needed to prove that he was the most mature one and therefore too good for the stuff Raph and Mikey obsessed over, Donnie thought), was weirdly fixated on the screen as well.
Donnie turned back to his book and sighed. “Mikey, she’s a multimillionaire popstar and you’re a thirteen-year-old mutated turtle living in the sewers.” Donnie wasn’t really that much better than Leo. He also had a pride thing that made him want to prove that he didn’t care. It somehow still felt different. He wondered if Leo’s stomach also hurt when he pretended not to care.
He didn’t have to look up from the page to know Mikey was sending him an unsuccessful death glare. He was saved when Raph let out a loud laugh and suddenly Mikey’s attention turned to his other brother.
“It’s not like you’d have a chance either, Raph,” Mikey grumbled.
At this, Raph promptly stopped laughing. Why? Well, he was also thirteen years old, and his brother just said he had no chance of getting with a beautiful girl. Donnie already predicted the stern talking from Splinter they were going to receive later when this eventually turned into a wrestling match.
“I have a better chance than any of your dumb faces.” Raph grunted in return. Out of the conner of his eye Donnie saw him lightly flex his biceps and he barely managed to suppress a snort in time.
Mikey stood up and crossed his arms defensively. “Leo definitely has more game than you.” he said, and Donnie almost sighed out loud.
Leo looked up with a smirk, and Donnie knew he couldn’t resist a chance to rub something in Raph’s face. They were starting to clash more and more these days. “Yeah, I do.” Leo responded confidently.
Donnie saw Raph snarl and prepared to jump up as well before Mikey continued.
“I bet Leo would get the most girlfriends.” he said, totally oblivious to Raph’s silent temper tantrum. “And I’d be the best wing man.”
Donnie sighed, this time out loud, and gave into the eyeroll that had been well on its way. Raph’s gaze snapped to him, and Donnie prayed he would be spared from having to participate in the conversation.
“Donnie.”
Great.
“What do you think?” Raph said, clearly expecting him to make this an even argument.
“I have no interest in joining this conversation.” he simply said and turned back to his book.
To this, Raph groaned. “You always say that.”
“It’s always true.” Donnie retorted.
Raph’s snarl deepened. “You act like you’re too cool for this but you’re just bitchy because you know you wouldn’t be able to get any girl at all.” he said, venom dripping from his words in a way it only could from an angry teenage boy who wanted to lash out at everything and everyone. “You won’t even look at them when we watch MTV, it’s weird.”
Something turned cold inside Donnie and his eyes froze on the page in front of him. Somewhere to the left of him he could hear Leo go “Raph”, and then the cold in his stomach turned flaming, boiling hot. He slammed his book shut and stood up from the floor, eyes locked on Raph who was, in his defense, looking a little flushed with embarrassment, but clearly not backing down either.
“I’m not interested in wasting my time discussing girls or girlfriends or game, because in case you haven’t noticed, we’re living in a sewer, and we’re not human.” he said louder than he would’ve liked but he couldn’t seem to stop his voice from bubbling over. “We won’t ever get the chance to get girlfriends or dates or— or whatever. So, excuse me for not seeing a point in even discussing it as a possibility.”
And then he took his book and walked towards his room, his brothers silent behind him. It seemed like the end of it, but Donnie was somehow still boiling inside. Leave it, he thought, just leave it. But then he heard Raph scoff behind him, as if he was full of shit, and he paused in his doorway.
When he turned around on the spot, they were all staring at him. He could see Mikey behind Leo looking like he could start crying any second and it almost made him deflate, but then he caught Raph’s eye and jutted his chin out. “But if I was human and living up there,” he hissed, pointing a finger towards the ceiling, “I’d get the— the prettiest and smartest girl in New York to be my girlfriend, and I’d do it without any of you guys to help me.”
And then he promptly slammed his door shut.
≡
For the first time in his seventeen years of life, Donnie kind of wanted to stop researching. But he had to know. Sometimes late at night, when he dared to, he would search the internet for movies or books or blogs, anything that would help him understand what he was supposed to expect the world to think of his… issue? And while some stories (a few, almost none, not enough) had a happy ending, everything he saw left him unable to fall asleep when he finally turned off his computer.
His brothers loved him. His father loved him. Their family was odd but warm when it had to be. But was it enough? This would just be one more thing to make him the weird one. He felt isolated enough as it was, it wasn’t his brothers’ fault but giving them more proof that he was the black sheep of the family seemed like shooting himself in the foot when he was already limping.
What did they even know about the queer community? They weren’t researchers like Donnie was, they didn’t ask for books on their birthdays, and they mostly borrowed Donnie’s computer to watch Tony Hawk on YouTube. Which meant their knowledge had to be limited to what they saw in tv-shows or the news or comic books. Which weren’t… yeah, weren’t the best odds. Lacking knowledge usually correlated with ignorance which correlated with prejudice. Which correlated with hate.
His brothers weren’t hateful beings, but with no frame of reference there was no way of knowing how they would react. If he miscalculated, he could lose everything. They wouldn’t kick him out, Splinter couldn’t be that cruel, right? But… he would have nowhere to go if they did. He couldn’t go to a homeless shelter or sleep at a friend’s house. He would have nothing. And if they let him stay (surely, they would…) being isolated from them might very well be a worse fate. What if it got so tense and uncomfortable that he would have to leave anyway?
But all of that didn’t even matter because they were mutated turtles. Dating had never been in the cards to begin with so the fact that Donnie dreamt of holding the hand of a boy instead of a girl didn’t mean anything because it would never happen anyway. It wasn’t meant to matter at all.
So, Donnie became an expert at pushing it away. Burying it deep down somewhere in his gut, trying to ignore the pressure it created on his lungs. He turned the tv off when another gay couple had been almost beaten to death on the subway, and it was announced on the news like it was an unpreventable event that just happened. He played along when his brothers once again fantasized over their non-existing dating life with women. He left the room when it became too much and buried himself in his work to mute the noise of something ticking in his head.
But sometimes, in his sleepless nights drowned in blue light, Donnie slipped up. The temptation of the anonymity the internet could provide was too much. And so, he created accounts. Tumblr, Twitter, anywhere that people didn’t ask about where he lived or what he looked like. Anywhere that had groupchats or forums that liked coding or anime or mechanics. And if the people he sought out also happened to have rainbow flags and pronouns in their bios, well, that was between him and himself alone. Online, he could pretend.
And with Ethan, he could even breathe a little better.
Their friendship had started out as an experiment. Donnie had wanted to know if he could be a convincing normal human teenager, if he could make friends. They had ended up in the same discord server that Donnie had been added to by his friend Raffia from twitter (“We’re all gay and like tech shit, you’ll fit right in, dude”). Ethan had asked a question in the main chat about rewiring an old radio, and Donnie had given his advice. Ethan then messaged him privately with follow-up questions, and before Donnie knew it, their conversations quickly evolved to actual friendship. Because Ethan was everything Donnie had dreamt of in a friend. He was smart, funny, and he didn’t care that Donnie didn’t want to show his face. But most importantly, Ethan was like him. They talked daily, filling the deafening silence of Donnie’s workshop with dumpster-dive hauls and dogs they saw in the park who looked like their owner.
And when nothing could quiet the ticking inside Donnie’s head, they talked about celebrity crushes and favorite queer characters. About what they would do if they ever came out, and what Ethan would tell his dad if he was still around. What Donnie would tell his if he suddenly wasn’t. It wasn’t after more than a couple of months of friendship that Donnie started to feel it. The warmth in his stomach that seemed to quiet the ticking in his head. It happened quietly, like an afterthought. Softness usually was.
Ethan was gentle, Ethan was comfort, Ethan was a bad idea, but Donnie forgot why every time he went to bed to silence that didn’t swallow him.
(‘Why do we breathe air? Because we love air? Because we don’t want to suffocate. Why do we eat? Because we don’t want to starve. How do I know I love her? Because I can sleep after I talk to her.’
Donnie held the book with a knuckle-tight grip and read it over and over and over again.)
But as the warmth grew, the unease seemed to do as well. Donnie was so careful with Ethan. Never gave anything away, never hinted at anything, never made himself out to be anything other than a normal human teenager with a dad and three brothers. But as hours of online chatting evolved to hours of quiet phone calls, he was already in deep waters. He was putting his family in danger over a boy he would never get to have a real relationship with. But Ethan made it so easy to pretend. He made it so easy to forget to push everything away when he laughed at Donnie’s dumb jokes or told him his voice was soft and pretty. He made it so easy to breathe when he told him that he didn’t care what Donnie looked like because he knew he would be beautiful no matter what.
It was terrifying and dangerous and everything.
His family could never find out. They wouldn’t understand and he couldn’t handle the consequences when they didn’t. He was talking directly with a human and putting their entire existence at risk by doing so. It was direct proof of how he had broken their trust. But the consequences that would come with the fact that Ethan was a boy might ruin him completely. Leo would stop visiting his lab in the middle of the night when they both couldn’t sleep. Mikey would stop napping against him during movie nights. Raph would stop carving wood pieces for his bedroom. He might not even be welcome in their lair anymore. He would have nowhere to go.
≡
Donnie was having a great day. He had gone on a supply run in the nearby junkyard and had found so many things for his projects. He finally found a heating element (an old toaster, barely functioning but usable) that he could use to fix their kettle so Sensei could make tea again without waiting ten minutes for the water to boil. He even found some things for his brothers.
(Ethan also sent a cute selfie with him and his dog this morning which spiked his mood immensely too but that was beside the point)
He stumbled into the lair, so excited to show everyone his finds that he nearly tripped over his own feet. He quickly found his balance again, fixing his glasses on his face and smiled when he saw his brothers already waiting for him by the entrance.
“Guys, look I found all this—“
“Donnie.”
Leo’s tone made Donnie stop in his tracks in confusion. As he looked up his smile slowly slipped off his face.
Raph stepped forward, his lips tight. He shared a quick glance with Leo before turning to Donnie with an unreadable look on his face.
“Donnie.” His icy tone made Donnie tense up further. Something was wrong. “Who the fuck is Ethan?” Raph’s jaw clenched.
Donnie stopped breathing. His throat tightened, closed up and blocked oxygen from flowing to his lungs, he was sure of it. It felt like he left his body. He must’ve taken a step back because his foot bumped into something hard, and he stumbled a bit in a moment of panic. His small stumble forced his eyes away from Leo and Raph, and he couldn’t find it in himself to force them back on them, so he instead locked eyes with the items in his hands. The piece of wood that he thought was perfect for Raph’s next carving project, and the sheet of metal he knew he could make into some small throwing knives that Leo had been begging him for the last month. The decent enough neon green wheels he knew Mikey would love for his skateboard. He had been so happy with his finds, so he just kept staring at them even though the outline of them was becoming blurry.
“Donnie.” It was Leo again this time with the same tone as before. It sounded… angry. His body visibly flinched, and he accidentally dropped one of the wheels. It fell from where it had been pressed between his forearm and his plastron and rolled across the floor. Donnie followed it with his eyes as it fell over when it collided with Raph’s left foot. He wanted to reach for it.
Next to Raph, Leo took a step closer to him, but Donnie was still looking at the floor, at that green skateboard wheel. “Donnie, please don’t tell me this boy...”
He trailed off but the wording still made Donnie curl in on himself, and he dropped two more wheels. They rolled in different directions and Donnie frantically looked between them as he contemplated which he should pick up first. With shaking hands, he fumbled with the metal and the log in his arms as he reached down to try to pick up one of the wheels. Mikey needed his wheels, he had been talking about how his old ones were so worn down for weeks, he would be so happy if Donnie could just-
A hand on his shoulder made him flinch back up and stumble backwards. He looked up to see a blob that sort of resembled Leo, but his glasses were blurry, so he wasn’t completely sure. Why were his glasses blurry? Maybe he should look for some with a different prescription?
“Donnie.” The Leo-blob spoke, hand frozen in the air where Donnie’s shoulder had been before he stepped back. “Start talking.”
Donnie blinked rapidly as he took another step back and the blurriness got a little better. He glanced over his shoulder to locate one of the lair’s exit points as he desperately tried to keep the items in his arms steady. He slowly kept stepping backwards, one small step at a time. He felt lightheaded as the voices around him picked up again, seemingly all at once.
“Dee, just fucking say something.”
“Guys, maybe we shouldn’t—“ That sounded like Mikey.
“How long have you been talking to this guy?”
“Have you been calling him?”
“C’mon guys, look at him, can’t we just—”
“Shut up, Mikey, do you have any idea what—“
All the voices melted together, and Donnie felt his head, his lungs, his throat, close in on itself. A loud crash silenced the lair as Donnie dropped the items in his arms and sprinted for the exit.
“Wait, Donnie, don’t—“
“Get back here, Dee!”
But Donnie was already out their reach.
≡
“Fuck— C’mon, Donnie, don’t run away!”
Raph was the first to sprint towards the exit Donnie had escaped out of, but his sprint was stopped abruptly when his foot collided with something hard on the floor.
“Ow, shit, fuck—” he cursed, jumping slightly on one foot. He looked back at Leo and Mikey. Leo looked about two seconds away from bolting after his brother, his face hard with determination. Mikey looked angry and concerned as he stood behind Leo, not looking at either of them.
“Why the fuck would he run off like that?” Raph said loudly, slowly putting weight on his foot again as he looked over at his brothers.
Leo’s eyebrows furrowed as he remained silent.
Mikey, however, walked two very fast steps towards him with a finger pointed straight at his chest. “Oh, I don’t know, Raph. Maybe because we invaded his privacy and then interrogated him about it. What the fuck do you think?”
Raph was taken back slightly by his little brother’s anger but quickly recovered. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re the one who wanted to go look at the security cams. It’s not our fault he forgot to log out of his messages on his big ass computer and just left his gay conversation out in the open—“
“Will you just shut the fuck up, dude? This is exactly what I’m talking about. You never—“
“I’m just trying to protect this family, you—“
“Guys, stop.”
They both turned to look at Leo who in turn was still looking at the exit Donnie left through.
“We have to find him.”
Mikey rolled his eyes. “And how are we gonna do that? You don’t think he’s half across town by now?” He gestured with his arms in frustration.
Leo’s eyes turned hard as he scowled at his brother. “We have to try.” He began moving towards the exit. “Sensei would want us to at least try.”
Mikey crossed his arms, not moving an inch. “And what if we actually find him? Just gonna yell at him some more? Real helpful, Leo.”
Leo stopped in his track and turned to him. “No. We’re gonna take him back home, where he’s safe.” Their leader let out a sigh, shoulders dropping just a bit. “Then we’ll talk.”
Raph let out a huff and Mikey glared at him. Leo kept walking and called out a single “let’s go!” over his shoulder before they finally followed.
Before they left, Mikey glanced back at the mess on the floor one last time, the neon green wheels staring back at him.
≡
They returned home without Donnie. Of course they did.
They had searched what seemed like every rooftop in New York City, but they all knew it was mostly out of courtesy. The four brothers were all good enough ninjas to disappear quite literally off the face of the earth. Which meant that if Donnie didn’t want to be found then he wouldn’t be.
By now it was early morning, yet Splinter had dutifully waited for them. He was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, and he kept his gaze firmly on the cup as they entered. The silence was heavy as they settled around the dinner table.
“Where is your brother?” their sensei asked, calm and collected as always.
Leo glanced at Raph and Mikey before clearing his throat. “We’re not sure. We’ve been out searching for him until now.” It was nothing but a defeat to say it out loud.
Splinter finally looked up at them, eyes settling on Leo. “Is he in danger?”
“We don’t think so.” Leo answered confidently even though they all knew they actually couldn’t guarantee that.
The silence spread again as Splinter took another sip of his tea. Leo could tell he was waiting for something, probably an explanation. But the silence continued.
It was Mikey who broke.
“Dad, we messed up.”
Splinter stood up then, walking quietly over to the sink to dispose of his cup. His movements were slow, and Leo could tell he was tired.
“Explain.” he said as he gently washed the cup.
And so, Leo explained. He explained how they had entered Donnie’s lab when he had been out searching for supplies, even though they knew it was off limits when he wasn’t home. They had only meant to look through the security cameras because Mikey had sworn that a stray cat was living in a nearby pipe. They hadn’t expected Donnie’s computer to be open, and they hadn’t expected to see the chat conversation on the screen. A chat which seemed to be full of how was your day and do you have time to talk. Full of baby and sweetheart and I missed you.
‘Your voice is my favorite’
They hadn’t even had time to talk about what they had stumbled upon before Donnie came home.
By the time Leo was done talking, Splinter had long since dried the cup and placed it back on its shelf. He slowly returned to the table and took a seat. As he placed his elbows on the table his hands intertwined under his chin.
“You invaded your brother’s privacy.”
His tone heavy and Leo saw Raph puff up defensively across from him.
“We were concerned for our family’s safety, Sensei.” Leo responded, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
To his left, Mikey let out a snort and instantly all eyes were on him. Raph’s scowl deepened as he looked at his brother.
“If you got something to say, Mikey, say it.”
Mikey met his stare confidently as he crossed his arms on the table, nonchalant in a way only Mikey could be. “Bro, his entire lab is dedicated to keeping us safe, and you believe he would be willing to compromise that safety just to text some dude online?”
“They’ve been calling each other, Mikey. Maybe something could’ve slipped, he could’ve heard something—“
“Yeah, okay, sure.”
“What if he has already shown his face? We don’t know if they’ve been calling on webcam.”
“And so fucking what if they have? Donnie isn’t dumb, if he has shown this dude his face then he’s obviously trustworthy—“
“Donnie doesn’t always think of everything, he’s— he’s forgetful and easily distracted, he trusts too easy and—“
“Enough.” Splinter raised a hand as he raised his voice in a way that let them know he was angry. Before continuing their sensei took a deep breath. “This is not a matter of safety.”
All three brothers turned to look at the old rat in silence.
“Your brother is scared.” Splinter continued, voice steady.
When he didn’t continue Leo shifted impatiently in his seat. “I tried to tell him that we weren’t angry but he—“
“Not of your anger, Leonardo.” Splinter interrupted as he looked at Leo. “Of your disapproval.”
Confusion took over Leo’s face as the words sunk in.
Raph seemed to have the same problem with catching the true meaning of that as he said, “He fucked up but he’s not dumb enough to think we hate him. That’s just stupid.”
“Fear is never stupid, Raphael.” Splinter continued. “And you have misunderstood your brother’s.”
While Mikey stayed silent, Leo and Raph looked at each other in confusion. Leo could see Raph getting frustrated with Splinter’s usual vagueness, so he turned to him to speed things up. “I don’t understand, sensei. What have we misunderstood?”
Splinter sighed deeply before turning to his youngest. “What do you think, Michelangelo?”
At that Mikey looked up from where he had been staring at the table. He found his two brothers’ eyes on him, looking at him expectingly. He returned their gaze with a hard one. “I think he thinks we have a problem with the human he was texting.”
Raph huffed. “Yeah, that’s kind of why we got into this whole mess.”
Mikey sighed. “No Raph, he thinks we have a problem because he’s texting a guy.”
Raph’s face scrunched up in disbelief. “What, the gay thing?”
“Bro, don’t call it that.“
“Why would he think we have a problem with that? He’s always been… you know.”
“Because the first thing we did after we found out he was texting a dude was interrogating him about it.” Mikey said, shoulders dropping in defeat. “We didn’t even give him a chance to tell us on his own…”
The words seemed to hang in the air.
“Instead, we decided to—“
“Yell at him.” Raphael said, voice now low and laced with the edge it usually had when he was angry with himself. “I yelled at him.”
Mikey’s eyes softened as he looked at his brother. “We all messed up, Raph. This isn’t on you alone.” Raph scoffed and Mikey’s face turned a little harder. “And we can fix this.”
Leo seemed to straighten at Mikey’s words. “Mikey’s right. We can fix this.”
“I will go meditate,” Splinter said, slowly rising from his seat. “I have some reflecting to do.” Casting a glance over his shoulder he said, “be delicate with this. And bring him home.” And with that, he disappeared out of the kitchen and into his room.
≡
They went to April.
“You what?”
The three brothers stood in her living room, fidgeting nervously in the dim light of her lamp by the couch. Leo was trying hard not to drip on her floor, and silently thanked Mikey as he emerged from the kitchen with a handful of dishtowels. Outside, the skies had opened and the rain pounded on the windows.
“We lost Donnie.” Leo repeated, cowering under April’s gaze as he dried off his face.
She was standing in front of them, hair still a mess from having just woken up (credit to Mikey’s subtle banging on her windows) and hands on her hip. She shook her head again as if that would help the confusion. “Why did you lose him?” Not how. They all knew how. Donnie was the sneakiest of all of them.
They looked at each other nervously.
“We, uh,” Mikey started. “We can’t tell you.”
April’s eyes narrowed and she took a step forward, which made the three brothers take a step back. “You’re telling me you woke me up at five a.m. to drip all over my floor,” they all cringed as they saw the puddles pooling around their feet, “and to tell me you lost your brother, and then you decide to just not explain why? Are you even hearing yourself? It’s suddenly like you don’t want my help—”
“We just want you to call him and figure out where he is.” Raph blurted out, instantly shrinking backwards again. April looked at him and crossed her arms, eyebrows lifting. Raph cleared his throat and met her eyes. “We can’t tell you why. It’s… it’s not our place, really. We’re just worried.”
At this, April rolled her eyes before visibly softening. Her arms fell to her side as she sighed.
Leo stepped forward. “We really messed up, April.” he said, trying to keep his voice calm. April looked up at him, tired but no longer annoyed (they knew she was never really annoyed, no more than a big sister being annoyed at her younger brothers). “He doesn’t wanna talk to us right now but—“ he paused, took a deep breath. “We need to find him.”
April could see Mikey biting his lip behind Leo, and Raph was practically walking a hole into her carpet. She looked at Leo, who looked like he always did when he felt like something was his fault; full of self-blame and determination. She exhaled sharply and cleared her throat.
“Okay, everybody out.”
Raph stopped pacing and faced her, fists clenched by his side. “What? April, you can’t just throw us out—“
April silenced him with a hard look. “If I’m gonna help you guys fix this, which, by the way, I have nothing to do with, I’m gonna do it my way.” She walked over to the window and dramatically opened it. The wind and rain instantly made her arms break out in goosebumps, and not for the first time she envied the brothers’ hard skin made for the elements. “I’m gonna talk to him, but I’m gonna do it alone. I don’t want you eavesdropping.”
Raph frowned and Mikey’s shoulders sagged, but Leo pushed them begrudgingly towards the window and they climbed out one by one.
“I’ll update you, I promise.” she said and shut the window in their faces.
≡
“C’mon,” April said to herself as the phone dialed Donnie’s number. The tiredness from her body had faded immediately upon seeing the boys’ faces in her living room. Now she just felt wide awake and antsy. Whatever had gone down between them had shook them enough for Raph to look anxious, which she knew he was a lot of the time but rarely failed to hide, so whatever it was, it was bad. As much as she hated being in the middle of family feuds, she couldn’t deny that she was somehow a part of this weird little family, and therefore their messes were automatically her messes. Families stick together and yada yada yada, whatever.
When the dial tone switched to Donnie’s voicemail she hung up and called him again. She knew that Donnie was probably fine. He could take care of himself on a night in New York in his sleep, but it didn’t stop her from walking back and forth between her room and the kitchen as she listened to the silence on the other end of the line.
When she reached his voicemail a third time, she felt a surge of hot frustration run through her as she hung up. Okay then. New strategy.
No. 1 IT GIRL
they aren’t here
i sent them home
She huffed when she saw Donnie read the message instantly, but didn’t respond. She slumped down on her couch.
No. 1 IT GIRL
cmon i know ur reading this
pick up
This time she didn’t wait for a response, she just pressed call. Straight to voicemail.
No. 1 IT GIRL
dont make me come find u
The Don
you wouldn’t risk your hair in this weather
This time he picked up on the fourth ring.
“…Hi.” April could feel the worry practically drain from her shoulders as Donnie’s voice flowed from the speakers of her phone.
“Hey, Dee,” she said softly, grabbing a blanket and threw it across her crossed legs on the couch. She could hear his breath on the other end and felt something settle within her when it wasn’t labored.
“You sure they left?” he said when neither of them had said anything for a few moments. Sometimes they both just needed silence. She was pretty sure that was why they got along so well.
“Oh, they left alright.” she huffed, and she could almost see him smile wherever he was. “I threw them out.” And then he was silent again, nothing but the muffled noise of rain coming through from the other line. “Where are you?” she asked, knowing she was shifting to her worried tone, but she called him for a reason.
He didn’t say anything.
“Are you at least out of the rain?”
“…Yeah.”
Another knot untangled in her gut, and she closed her eyes briefly. “Okay. That’s a start.”
“Did—" Donnie started but broke off. “Did they tell you what happened?”
April paused at the scared tone of his voice. He was practically whispering. “No, honey. They said it wasn’t their place to say.”
At this, Donnie snorted a laugh, an ugly sound that didn’t belong in his mouth. “Right. Sure.”
“What happened?” she pressed, knowing that this wouldn’t get her anywhere. “I’m sure whatever it is it can be solved, right? They sounded really sorry, it was actually kinda pathetic—“
“They just went through my stuff, okay? It doesn’t matter.” Donnie snapped, and April’s eyes widened a little bit. Donnie almost never raised his voice, and never at her.
She tried to keep her voice calm even though her instinct told her to match his tone. “Well, clearly it does because you’re currently avoiding them and probably giving Master Splinter an ulcer back in the lair.” She knew it was a low blow to mention Splinter, but this boy was giving her nothing. “What, did they find your porn stash or something?”
“That’s not funny.”
And just like that, all the fight left him. He just sounded tired. April turned to gaze out at the rain, the clouds making it impossible to see the hints of sunrays that would undoubtedly be peaking from the horizon right about now.
“Please just talk to me.” she pleaded with him. “I won’t tell them anything, just that you’re safe. I promise.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just—“ Donnie’s voice broke off again and she heard him exhale shakily through the speakers. “It’s really bad, April. There’s something wrong with me, I—”
“Wrong with you? Donnie, what are you talking about?”
“Fuck, I just— I-I know logically there’s nothing wrong with me, but it feels like there is and it’s just really hard trying to remind myself that I’m not supposed to think about myself that way and now I just—“ And then, “I messed it all up.”
God, she wanted to hug him, to pull him under her blanket and hide him away from the world. “How about you let me be the judge of that, okay?” she said. “Just tell me. Please.”
He sniffled again, and then he became muffled. April guessed he had pulled away from the phone, but that was okay, she could wait. It was funny how these boys could make her so frustrated she thought she would explode, and then the next second they could make her feel like she was drowning in patience.
She heard him return to the phone after a little while and waited.
“April, I—“ Donnie croaked, and then she noticed that the rain in the background had faded. She looked outside and the rain had stopped to a light dripple. The sun just shining through some of the dark clouds.
“I’m gay.”
The sound of a train passing filled the silence. “Donnie…”
His breath was hitching, and she knew he was trying hard, and failing, not to cry. She wanted to ask him where he was, to ask him to come home already.
“Donnie, that’s okay,” she said gently, rattling her brain for the words that would make Donnie stop crying over something so… not cry-worthy. “Of course that’s okay. You’re fine, honey, I promise. Thank you for telling me.” She tried hard to keep the shakes out of her voice. She dried her eyes with the blanket.
For a minute, she let him cry out, reminding him that she was there through encouraging words and praise, all while the sun came out even more, the rain finally stopped completely.
“Donnie, there’s nothing wrong with you,” she spoke into the silence. “It’s very important to me that you understand that, okay? There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“But what if—“ His voice broke again.
“No buts,” she said, “you’re fine, you hear me? Absolutely perfect.”
“But Sensei, what if he—“
“Master Splinter?” she interrupted. “Oh please, Donnie. Your dad, the giant rat, who stalks everyone I date to make sure they’re good guys, and who demanded that I dumped my last boyfriend because he saw him harass a nice lesbian couple at the park?”
A wet giggle emerged from her speakers, and she smiled.
“Trust me, Dee,” she said, “he loves you so much. This is not gonna change that.” She could practically hear him overthinking and she decided to do him a favor and continued. “Why don’t you tell me what happened to make your brothers show up at my window at 5 a.m.? They looked miserable by the way, all sad and wet.”
Another laugh. Success.
Then Donnie sighed, and April took it as another win when his breath didn’t shake. “It was my fault. I was dumb and forgot to close my computer before leaving yesterday, and—“
“Aren’t they banned from your workshop when you’re not home?”
“Well, yeah, but—“
“So, they did it anyway?” There was a bite to her voice, and she suddenly felt a hot surge of anger at the other three boys for not respecting boundaries, again. It was something she was working on with them, but it was a work in progress because teaching four teenagers, who have been living on top of one another for their entire lives, that boundaries were healthy to have and should be respected was a task even Splinter found challenging.
“I know Mikey sometimes looks at the surveillance cameras for critters and animals and stuff, it doesn’t usually bother me because he can rarely pull up the courage to actually do it, but this time I forgot to close some sites and…” he trailed off, tiredness finally making itself known in his voice. “I forgot to close a chatroom.”
April frowned. “A chatroom?”
“I’ve been—“ A frustrated noise left him, and April had to stop herself from snickering, because Donnie sounded embarrassed. “I’ve been chatting with this guy—“
She gasped. “Donnie.”
“I know, okay? I know it’s dumb and reckless and totally not something I would usually do but—“
“Donnie, shut the fuck up, you’re telling me you have a boyfriend?” She couldn’t possibly be expected to contain her giddiness. She suddenly craved a glass of wine to swirl around in her hand.
“No! No, it’s— it’s not like that,” he stammered, frantically trying to reel her in. “we’re just— talking, I guess, and Ethan is really nice about me not showing my face—“
“His name is Ethan? Oh my god, I’m gonna die, Donnie you have a boyfriend—“
“I do not—“
“Is he cute? How long have you guys been talking?”
“April, focus, please.”
“I am, this is very important.”
“Urgh,” Donnie groaned, and April let out a laugh. “You’re insufferable.”
“I’m delightful, actually.” she said, checking her nails, her phone held to her ear by her shoulder.
She could practically hear him shake his head as he fell silent again.
“They got mad, you know.” he said quietly.
She frowned again. “What do you mean?”
She heard him shift a bit. “Well, I came home and they just—“ Then the sound of a soda can being opened. “They were so mad, April.” She could tell he was trying to hold back again, to not let the fact that this hurt show.
This seemed all wrong. Why would they be mad? They were dumb teenagers, sure, but they weren’t assholes. It made no sense.
Donnie broke her out of her thoughts. “When they…” he hesitated. “Were they angry when they came to you?”
April softened. “No, honey.” She hoped he could hear how true it was. “The only thing they were mad at seemed to be themselves and the fact that you’re still undefeated in hide and seek.” When Donnie said nothing, she continued. “I mean, Raph was pissed but it was obviously because he was feeling guilty about something. He was all jittery. Mikey was like Mikey usually is when there’s fighting going on. And Leo just looked sad. Not like, he was sad? Although he probably was, but sad in that way where you just look at him and think aw buddy.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean…” Donnie said softly.
“They just want to know if you’re safe or not.” she said, and then immediately started rethinking it. “Actually, I think they want to know your exact location and whether or not you’re coming home, but at this point they’ll settle for anything.”
“I…” he started. “I don’t want to come home right now.”
“Donnie—“
“I’ll stop hiding, okay? I’ll— I’ll stay here.”
She knew it was a losing battle. “Alright. As long as you’re safe?”
“I am, I promise.”
“Okay then,” She stood up with her blanket around her and walked to the kitchen. “Can I tell them that?”
“I don’t know, April,” he said, and he sounded so tired. “I honestly don’t care anymore.”
Another train passed by in the background. She put on a kettle.
“I love you, okay?” she said into the phone, desperate to reach beyond it.
Donnie didn’t say anything and for a second April thought he had hung up until his voice flooded through. “I love you, too.”
And then he hung up.
≡
Only ten minutes passed from the time she texted Leo till all three brothers appeared in her living room again. They must’ve been hanging out in the area, waiting for her.
“You guys got some explaining to do.” she said, sitting on her couch with a cup of coffee between her hands. Though her posture was relaxed, Leo wasn’t fooled by it. He knew she was pissed.
“We messed up,” he started, “we know that.”
“You fucking think? He doesn’t wanna come home.” she said in a hard tone, passing a blanket to Mikey who was sitting at her feet, back against the couch. He was pouting.
“What?” Raph spoke up from the windowsill he was perched on.
“For now, at least.” she added. “Which I don’t blame him for. Honestly, guys, what the hell were you thinking?”
They glanced at each other, all of them looking three different shades of ashamed.
“I don’t think we were, honestly...” Mikey spoke up. “Thinking, I mean.”
“We were taken by surprise.” Leo added. “It’s not an excuse, just poor execution on our part.”
April looked at him and something in her eyes shifted. “I’m so pissed at you guys right now.”
Leo closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I know.”
“You really hurt him.”
“I know.”
“No, Leo, I don’t think you do, actually,” she snapped, sitting her cup on the coffee table. “I heard his voice; he’s terrified that you guys won’t want to be around him anymore. Do you get that? It’s not your fists or your words or your side-glances he’s scared of, he’s scared he’s lost you.”
At this, Mikey curled in on himself and Raph turned his head towards the city outside. Leo held April’s gaze.
“Then help us find him so we can fix this.” he said, pushing through the nausea that threatened his stomach.
April sighed and ran a hand over Mikey’s head until he leaned it against her knee. “He won’t come home,” she repeated, lifting a hand to pause whatever words that were about to leave Leo’s mouth. “But he said he’d stop running. He’ll stay put wherever he is until you find him, or he comes home on his own.”
“He could be anywhere,” Raph said, crossing his arms across his plastron.
“I heard trains in the background,” April supplied. “And he was out of the rain.”
The three brothers exchanged glances, and something definitely went over her head. They turned their eyes on her again.
She held up both hands. “That’s all I got.”
Leo nodded. “Alright, let’s go.”
She blinked and then they were gone, the only sign they had ever been there was the open window and a blanket on the floor.
≡
When they dropped down on the rooftop right by Williamsburg bridge the rays of sunrise were making the water of the East River shimmer orange, and Mikey felt a pang of nostalgia hit him. It had been awhile since they snuck out to see a sunrise. He always suspected that their dad knew they were doing it but let them get away with it because it was one of the few activities they did together that didn’t cause any property damage, either to the lair or to the city.
Donnie’s back was turned to them as he sat cross-legged by the edge of the roof, seemingly just enjoying the view over the river. Mikey turned to look at Leo, who responded with an unreadable expression and stepped towards Donnie. Mikey could see Raph to his right fidget on the spot and he silently placed a hand on his carapace. Raph allowed it but his gaze didn’t waver from their brother.
Leo was now several steps ahead of them, walking towards Donnie as if he was a spooked animal. He had to know they were there. They hadn’t exactly tried to be silent when they dropped down on the flat rooftop.
Just then, Donnie turned his head over his shoulder and grimaced in a way Mikey thought was supposed to resemble a smile. “Uhm,” he said, voice slightly croaky but otherwise normal. “Hi, guys.”
Leo paused in his step and looked like he had been caught doing something Master Splinter would disapprove of. He cleared his throat. “Hey, Dee.”
Mikey eyed the six pack of Dr. Pepper by Donnie’s side and made a quick decision before the tension would hold them hostage for good. He strode across the roof, past Leo who gave him a look that was supposed to signal Mikey stay back and he calmly shrugged his shoulders that was supposed to signal I don’t care, until he finally reached Donnie. “Holy shit dude, they still make strawberries and cream Dr. Pepper?” he said, reaching for the six pack. “Can I have one?”
At this, Donnie turned his head and smiled at him. A tiny one, but still. “Yeah sure, Mikey.”
“Sweet.” he said, cranking the can open and dumping down beside him. Their legs dangled over the edge side by side, almost intact.
There were footsteps behind them and then Raph came up between them, taking a can and sitting on the other side of Mikey. Donnie’s was staring straight ahead, his head held still and unmoving. Mikey released a breath as the faintest of smiles still made itself known on Donnie’s face. A second later Leo hesitantly came up to them, grabbed a can and sat down on Donnie’s other side. Then they sat there, their legs swinging, drinking Dr. Pepper and watching the sunrise.
It was only when the sun was well above the horizon that someone broke the silence.
“I’m really sorry,” Donnie said quietly. “About— about all of it, I guess.”
Mikey met Leo’s eyes across Donnie and Mikey knew his own were matching his worry.
“Donnie,” Leo started, his hand twitching like he wanted to reach out and touch Donnie’s shell. “I think we’re the ones who should apologize.”
“I know April really wants you to do that,” Donnie said, “but it’s okay, I promise.” He cleared his throat, but it was still shaky when he spoke again. “We can just pretend this never happened.”
Mikey watched Leo’s brow furrow as he cleared his throat.
“Is that really what you want?”
Donnie’s face contorted just a fraction before he neutralized it again. Mikey could’ve missed it if he blinked.
“Yeah,” Donnie said finally but his voice cracked on the word, and he sniffled, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.
“That’s bullshit.” Raph snapped to Mikey’s left after a beat of silence.
“Raph.” Leo said in a way that meant shut up.
“No, this is bullshit,” he said, putting his soda can down so he didn’t crush it with his hand. “I don’t wanna forget this.”
“Raph, please—“ Donnie tried this time, using his fingers to rub his eyes beneath his glasses.
“Donnie, we’re—“ Raph paused to blow air out of his nose. He swallowed before continuing. “We’re really sorry. Okay? About— about all of it, I guess.”
Donnie blinked at him as he adjusted his glasses. His shoulders were still hunched.
“He’s right.” Mikey said. “We know the workshop is off limits when you’re not there, and we went in anyway.” He could see the tear tracks on Donnie’s cheeks glisten in the sun, and the sight made him square his shoulders, making sure Donnie knew he was serious. “It doesn’t matter that I wanted to check if there was a cat in the pipes, it wasn’t cool, we could’ve waiting till you got home.”
On the opposite side of him Leo’s jaw tightened. “And, uhm,” he said, making Donnie turn his head to face him. “We’re really sorry we saw those messages.”
At this, Donnie tore his eyes off him and locked them firmly on his hands in his lap. His thumbs fiddled with the tap on the can, and Mikey swore he saw him hold his breath.
“And we’re sorry for yelling at you like that.” Leo continued. “We know you would never do anything to jeopardize our safety—“
“But I am.” Donnie snapped, and Mikey felt his eyes widened when he saw fresh tears in his eyes again. “I’ve talked to him, in the lair, on my computer, on my phone. I’ve sent him pictures of projects and my room and—“ he cut himself off when his breath hitched. “It’s so stupid, I’m so fucking stupid—“
He buried his face in his hands as Mikey shared a worried look with Leo over his head. He instinctively put a hand on Donnie’s arm and found that it trembled under his fingers. His breathing had picked up, the signs of an incoming trademarked Donnie Breakdown.
“Hey,” It was Raph’s voice that broke through Donnie’s panic. “You’re not stupid, dude. You’re, like, a genius.”
Mikey nodded so violently he almost pulled a muscle. “Yeah, dude, and even if what you did was a little risky, who cares?” he said, making Donnie take a skeptical peak at him through the gaps of his fingers. Mikey momentarily felt the urge to look at Leo but decided to ignore any instinct for approval. “I don’t blame you for wanting to let lose a little. And you’re enough of a perfectionist to do that while also being extremely careful.” With that, he nudged Donnie’s shoulder a little.
Donnie was still glancing at him behind his fingers but mumbled a quiet “Those were some big words.” It was enough to break the tension.
“Hey, I know stuff.” Mikey retaliated with a huff, making sure to smile so Donnie knew he wasn’t seriously offended.
Donnie sniffled but dropped his hands from his face, revealing just a hint of a weak smile. “I know, Mikey.” he said softly, only for him.
They were thrown into silence once again. A train passed. The clouds moved. Leo took a sip of his soda. Raph swung his feet. The sky was bluer than before.
“We don’t care, you know?” Mikey said. “That he’s a guy.”
Donnie didn’t look away from the view in front of them, but Mikey saw the way his jaw clenched under his skin. Leo caught his gaze instead and nodded, just slightly.
“Mikey’s right, Donnie.” Leo said. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters.” Donnie snapped. “It matters. It has to. I know it does.” Donnie bit his lip, teeth picking at the dry skin. His hands were clenched into fists in his lap. Mikey could see them tremble with tightness.
“It’s more than—” Donnie stuttered, closed his eyes in frustration. It was rare that Donnie had a hard time with words, they usually liked him. “It’s more than the fact that he’s a guy, it’s me—“ And then he broke off, teeth finding his lower lip again.
“You can tell us anything, dude.” Mikey said, resting his hand on Donnie’s knee. He gave it a squeeze. “We really don’t care, I promise.”
“No, but you have to. You have to, it doesn’t make sense—“ Donnie’s eyes are squeezed shut as he rambled, cutting himself off with a frustrated groan.
Leo rubbed his hand down his shell. “Donnie, I promise you we don’t. I promise.”
Donnie’s breath hitched as he dropped his head in his hands. “No, you will, you’ll care, and I couldn’t— it’ll ruin everything and I’ll—“
“Okay, you’re right,” Raph interrupted suddenly, and Donnie turned to him, startled. Raph was looking right at him with fire in his eyes. “It matters that it’s a dude,” Donnie’s eyes widened and for a moment Mikey swear he stopped breathing, skin turning ashen. Before Mikey has the chance to punch Raph, to just get him to shut up, he continues. “It matters that you’re gay or whatever—“
“Raph—“ Leo snaps, as Donnie breathing turned shallow, but Raph immediately snapped at him.
“No, Leo, we care.” He snarled. “We care because it’s Donnie. And he cares about it, so we care about it.”
He glanced back at Donnie, then Mikey, and having all three pairs of eyes on him made him turn his gaze back to the streets below with a huff that Mikey could only recognize as embarrassment.
“You keep saying we don’t care and that it doesn’t matter,” he mutters, the fight clearly seeping out of him. “But Donnie clearly thinks it does, so… we should too.”
Mikey was too stunned to speak as he stared at Raph and his increasingly fidgeting fingers that rested on his thighs.
Donnie’s arms had wrapped around himself as Raph had talked, and now he didn’t seem to be able to unravel himself. Mikey leaned back a little, trying to get out of the way so Donnie could look at him clearly.
When nobody said anything, Raph let out a groan and tipped his head back.
“Look, I’m just saying, we all care about Mikey’s art or— or Leo’s comic books or whatever, and you all care about my woodcarvings and knitting, right? And we care about Donnie’s nerd shit. ” He paused, exhaled loudly in frustration. “So, we’ll just care about this too.” He shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing. Then he tipped forward to lean his elbows on his knees and dropped his head with another heavy sigh. “Can we please stop with the crying and the panicking now? God.”
Donnie still just stared at him.
“Holy shit, dude.” Mikey said, because holy shit, dude.
“Shut the fuck up, Mikey.” Raph groaned, head still hanging between his shoulders, and weirdly, Mikey couldn’t help but laugh.
“Oh my god, you love us.” Mikey cackled. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Leo’s shoulder’s bouncing with an attempt to keep a giggle quiet.
“Mikey, I swear to god—“
Before Raph could wrap both hands around his throat, Donnie’s chuckle made them both stop in their tracks.
Beside him, Donnie was smiling, laughing, with a hand pressed over his mouth. His shoulders shook as he tried to hold back, but soon he was clutching his chest for air as his composure broke and he gave in to laughter.
Mikey joined him instantly, cracking up right alongside him, and then Leo chuckled too, and in time Raph’s scowl turned into a huff and a smile, and then they were all laughing and the sun was turning yellow and the sky was blue again, and it didn’t hurt so bad.
≡
“This soda is disgusting.” Raph said, breaking the silence that had settled over them like a warm blanket. He still took a long sip of his can.
Mikey elbowed him. “Aw c’mon dude, it’s not that bad.” he said, trying not to wince when the sickly-sweet liquid went down his throat. It kind of was that bad, but he wasn’t going to be the one to say it.
“I’m with Raph on this one.” Leo said, also taking another sip. “This is pretty bad.”
Mikey turned to look at Donnie who had his own can between his hands. He had calmed down after their break of laughter, but Mikey was scared the silence that had followed them had only given him an opportunity to think. Donnie thinking wasn’t always a good thing.
“It is pretty disgusting, isn’t it?” Donnie said in a timid voice. He put the can to his lips and tipped it.
Mikey couldn’t hold back a laugh, bright and booming, and threw an arm around him. “Dude, you bought it!”
Donnie grinned. “I know, I thought it would be fun to try,” he said, leaning into him. “I wasn’t thinking very straight, I guess.”
“Ha, straight.” Raph snorted.
“Dude.”
But Donnie snorted, too. “No, he’s right, I haven’t really been thinking straight ever since I saw Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About You.” Then he tipped the can and downed the rest of the sickly-sweet liquid.
Mikey released a loud “HA!” as Raph exclaimed “Really? That guy?” and Leo added “It was the toothpick, wasn’t it?”
Donnie ducked his head and smiled. “I don’t know what it was, but eight-year-old me’s mind was effectively blown that day.”
“Wait,” Leo said, as Mikey’s laughter finally died down. “We watched that when we were eight?” Donnie nodded, and Leo’s eyebrows furrowed. “You’ve known since then?”
Donnie’s face fell. “I don’t know. Maybe?” He shrugged his shoulders. “I think I knew I was different then, sure, but I didn’t have the word for it until later.”
Mikey’s stomach tightened at that. “When did you know know?”
Donnie pursed his lips as he thought about it. “When we were twelve, I think?” he said, voice steady and calm.
His stomach got tighter, and Mikey could see Leo’s face turn hard. Raph probably didn’t look any better on the other side of him.
“You really hid it that long?” Leo asked.
Donnie turned to him with a smile, a sad thing that spoke for itself.
≡
“You’re coming home with us, right?” It was Leo this time, breaking the silence.
The sun was high in the sky now, but it wasn’t unbearably hot. Just warm enough to be spring.
Donnie looked at the empty soda can in his hand. “Yeah.” he said, swallowing the stone in his throat. He felt their eyes on him, so he just kept fiddling with the tab of the can.
“If you—“ Leo continued, then stopped and Donnie knew he was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking. He was getting better at that. “If you need some more time that’s, you know, that’s fine too.”
“Can we just keep Sensei out of the loop, maybe?” he said on an exhale. “I don’t— I don’t think I want him to know.”
The feeling of their eyes on him shifted and he looked up to realize they were looking at each other instead, something Donnie thought looked like regret clear on their faces.
His spine turned cold. “What?”
“He knows.” Leo said, finally, and the coldness instantly spread to the rest of his body. The worst thing was that Donnie could see how sad it made him to say that, to admit to that. But it didn’t make him any less cold. And it didn’t make him any less scared.
Mikey was wringing his hands in his lap. “We’re really sorry, Donnie, we didn’t think about it.”
“We went out looking for you,” Leo didn’t back down from Donnie’s gaze. “When we came back without you it was late, and dad was awake waiting for us.” His shoulders were hunched but his face was honest and open. “We didn’t know what to do, so we just told him the truth. I’m sorry, Dee. We’re all sorry, we should have thought it through.” Donnie could see it. The remorse and the regret. He wondered if his own face reflected the very same thing.
Donnie was the first to look away. “Did he—“ he cleared his throat. “I mean, what did he—“
“He almost kicked our asses.” Raph said. “He was so mad at us, we could tell.”
“Yeah, we’re going to be meditating a lot the next few weeks.” Mikey added, throwing an arm over his shoulder, pulling Donnie to his side. His body followed like a ragdoll.
“He’s pissed,” Leo said, smiling just a little, to deescalate or to sooth Donnie couldn’t tell. “At us, not at you. We promise.”
He felt air leave his lungs, shakily like his fingers. “Fuck.” he muttered, taking his glasses off and running his hands over his face.
“Donnie—“
“He’s just so traditional sometimes, you know?” Donnie sniffled, wiping his nose with his arm. “He taught us Japanese before we even knew English, and then there was the manners and the ninjutsu and— and I love that. I love all of it because it’s— it’s our culture, right? It’s dad’s culture. But sometimes I just…”
“You just what?” Raph asked.
Donnie shook his head. “I dunno, I just wonder, I guess. If this would be...” he sniffled again before putting his glasses back on. “If it would be too much for him.” If I would be too much for him. “He loves us, I know he does but—“ Mikey’s hand tightened on his shoulder. “He doesn’t want this. He can’t possibly want this.”
“Dee, he doesn’t—“
“I’ve been lying for years.” he snapped because this conversation was going nowhere, and he was tired. They didn’t understand. “You get that, right? I’ve been lying to his face, to all of you, and I know you guys all have this rebellious we-don’t-care-what-dad-thinks-thing going on but I actually want my dad to like me.” And it was easy being angry when his brothers looked at him as his voice cracked and his eyes got wet, because they looked defeated too. Donnie was making everyone sad, he was fucking this up. “I want my dad to— to not look at me like I’m this huge disappointment or— or the black sheep of the family, I don’t want that!”
Nobody said anything and Donnie didn’t blame them. Mikey was pressing his lips together in that way he did when he was about to start crying but didn’t want to, and Leo had that guilt-written look on his face and that just pissed Donnie off even more. He was so tired of this, he didn’t want to sit and talk about it while the evidence of how much of a mess he had made of this was written all over his brothers’ faces. So instead, he sprung to his feet.
“Let’s go home.” he started to walk towards the fire escape on the opposite side of the roof. He wiped the tears from his face, not looking back to see if they were following him. “I wanna get this over with.”
Feet shuffled behind him. “C’mon dude, just wait a second.” Raph said.
Donnie gripped the fire escape’s railing and bit his lip hard for just a moment. “It’s okay, Raph, let’s just go.”
And then he leaped.
≡
Donnie had been quick to get home, successfully keeping them on their toes. Leo should have him take charge of training more often, he thought as he followed his brother across rooftops in broad daylight in such a way he wasn’t even worried about being seen.
But it wasn’t a great feeling. Donnie had done exactly what they had all been trying to avoid. He had left that rooftop upset and sad. He could see it, it practically radiated from him. They might have made it clear to Donnie that they didn’t hate him, or whatever it was he had feared they would do, but Leo knew it was the time ahead that would be critical. There were scars left on Donnie they hadn’t been allowed to see before, and now it was their job to make sure they healed properly. If he would let them.
When they arrived at the manhole leading down to the lair, Donnie paused. None of them reached for the cover, waiting for Donnie to do something, anything. He was gnawing at his lip again. Leo wanted to tell him to quit it, but then Donnie shook out his hands and blew out a breath. Leo saw something settle in his face; saw the way it shook itself free from anxiety and settled into a well-crafted mask, one that showed only resignation. Then he reached for the manhole cover and the only thing Leo could do was to follow him down.
The mask lasted all the way to the lair’s entrance. They were paused in front of it, much like they had been by the manhole, but this time Donnie was smaller. His shoulders were hunched and hands pulled tight against his stomach, and Leo couldn’t bear it anymore.
He reached out, placing a hand gently on his arm. “Donnie, you don’t have to. We can talk to him.”
Donnie didn’t pull away from him, but the trembling intensified before Donnie willed the muscle to still. “Shut up,” he said, and he sounded like he was ten years old again, telling them to stop saying he would never get a girlfriend, to stop calling him a wuss and a nerd and a pansy, and god, Leo wanted to hit something because he didn’t know how he was supposed to house this kind of guilt. “I’m doing this.” Donnie said, and Leo thought he knew what bravery looked like but then Donnie pushed the door open, and instantly he knew that he had never in his life been brave like this.
Inside, Leo’s eyes fell on Master Splinter immediately. He was standing by his bonsai tree with the watering can Donnie had found for him years ago, a rusty old thing that Donnie had somehow managed to polish up into a pretty bronze. Leo saw him pause at the sound of the door opening. He sat the watering can down on the table.
Just the same, Leo watched as Donnie spotted Master Splinter across the room and froze. Splinter’s shoulders visibly sagged with what Leo could only interpret as pure relief and then he walked toward them, careful steps as he eyed his son.
Upon seeing Splinter move toward him, something in Donnie seemed to snap and Leo saw the mask crack with a sob, followed by another one, and soon he was crying again, ugly and violent hiccups that shook his body as he tried in vain to string words together. It was only when they all watched Donnie drop to his knees on the floor and pressed his forehead to the cold ground that they could make out what he was saying:
“Otōsan, gomen nasai, gomen nasai, gomen—“
Mikey instinctively took a step back with wide eyes and Raph followed right after him. Leo watched as Splinter’s impressive speed led him to Donnie, who was still locked in his dogeza bow. Splinter dropped down in front of his son, splaying a hand on his trembling back as Donnie’s sobs continued to fill the room.
They watched as Donnie cried and apologized, and Splinter desperately tried to get him to raise his head.
“Donatello,” Splinter pleaded, a hand running over his shell and another resting on his head as he bent down to try and catch his son’s eye, almost mimicking Donnie’s bow. “Please. This is not necessary. Look at me, son.”
Donnie’s hands reached out to grab at his robe, clenching his fists around the fabric. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry—“
Slowly, Leo nudged Raph’s and Mikey’s shoulders, leading them silently towards the kitchen. None of their eyes left the two figures on the floor, but this didn’t involve them, and Leo felt antsy witnessing this type of display when he wasn’t a part of it. As they all gathered in the kitchen, Leo threw a last look over his shoulder just in time to see Donnie be embraced by their father, soaking the fur of his neck, and then he closed the curtain that separated the two spaces.
≡
Leo didn’t know how much time had passed by the time Splinter entered the kitchen. Mikey was nursing his second cup of tea, Raph was staring straight ahead at the fridge like it had wronged him and Leo— well, Leo had only just managed to stop pacing, finally sitting down after Raph told him to “calm the fuck down, Sensei’s got him, you’re stressing me the fuck out—“
Their dad silently went over to the electric kettle, a hand rubbing over Mikey’s head as he passed him. Raph stood up and grabbed a cup from the shelf, Splinter’s favorite, and put it on the table along with the tin of the green tea leaves they always stole from the dumpsters behind the local Asian food marked.
Splinter smiled, tired and warm. “Thank you, Raphael.” Raph said nothing as he sat down again, and Leo wondered, not for the first time, how soft Raph could be if he only allowed himself.
When the tea was done, Splinter sat down at the head of the table.
“He’s asleep.” he said, and it was only then Leo saw the red tinting his eyes.
“Jesus fuck,” Raph sighed and rubbed a hand over his face as he leaned back heavily in his chair.
Normally, Leo would’ve told him to quit cursing, but he couldn’t find the energy. He felt the same.
Splinter apparently didn’t have the energy to correct him either because he just sighed and nodded. “We will let him sleep,” he paused to take a sip of tea. “And then a warm meal for when he wakes.”
“I’ll cook.” Mikey said, pushing his chair away from the table to get up.
Splinter nodded fondly. “Thank you, Michelangelo. Perhaps his favorite?”
Mikey smiled, happy to finally have something to do. “I’ll check if we have udon.”
While Mikey checked the cabinets for ingredients, Leo turned to Splinter.
“How bad did we mess up, Sensei.” he asked, straightening his back and setting his shoulders.
Splinter took him in, stared him down with a softness Leo could only hope he one day could possess himself. Mikey already had it, and Donnie was good at pretending he didn’t have it too.
Him and Raph were working on it.
“We’ve all failed him.” Splinter said, stirring his tea, a soothing clink of metal against porcelain. “Me most of all, I think.”
“Dad,” Leo started, but Splinter held up a hand.
“A child should never fear a parent’s rejection.” he said, eyes darting to Raph for a single second. “I have failed to see this coming, and therefore I have failed to prevent it. My love has, through Donatello’s eyes, seemed conditional.” A shadow fell over Splinter’s face, and Mikey turned back to the table to sit down beside him and placed a hand over his. Splinter lifted his gaze to his sons. “I love you and your brother more than anything on this earth.” The determination in his voice made Leo sit rigid in his seat. “And nothing has the power to change that. I will do my best to prove this to all of you and hopefully allow this wound to heal.”
“We know you love us.” Mikey said for all of them. Raph nodded stiffly, eyes locked on the table.
Splinter smiled and incased Mikey’s hand with both of his. “I’m glad,” he said, and squeezed tightly. “But I thought Donatello knew this as well, and I have been proven wrong.”
“He knows you love him, dad,” Leo said, squaring his shoulders once again. “It was us who made him scared to tell you.”
Splinter’s smile turned into resignation. “I’m sure you can think of plenty of instances where you and your brothers could have done better by him, all on your own, and I trust that you will use that knowledge to heal and strengthen your bond with your brother going forward, but it has always been my duty to set the best example for all of you. This is my failing.” Splinter’s eyes on him didn’t falter. “And I will not let you shoulder my guilt as well, Leonardo.”
Leo suddenly felt his eyes sting, but he bit his lip tight, focused on the pain. He would not make this about him.
Splinter didn’t move. “You carry more than your shoulders allow. Let me carry this myself.” And Leo might as well have been cracked open.
“I’ll try, Sensei.” he croaked, honestly.
Something softened in Splinter’s face. “And I will help remind you.”
Leo was happy with the distraction when Mikey began fidgeting in his seat and Splinter turned to him instead.
“But, about what Leo said,” he started, “how bad did we mess up?”
Raph clenched his fists and pulled them under the table, something that didn’t escape any of them.
“I cannot answer that for you, I’m afraid,” Splinter said, “but Donatello has a big heart. He will forgive you if you ask it of him.”
“But will he trust us?” Raph asked, and Leo wanted to reach out and smooth the lines of tension in his shoulders.
He watched as Splinter looked at Raph, saw him eye the same tension. “With time, I’m sure.” Splinter said. Something akin to defeat painted Raph’s face for just a second. “Someone as stubborn as you is bound to succeed.”
There was a hint of challenge in his tone, and it made Raph look up, finally. A paw landed on his shoulder, and Leo felt something melt away at the sight of determination taking over his brother’s face instead of anger. Across from him, Mikey mirrored his brother and squared his shoulders. It was enough to make Leo smile.
≡
ethan<3
donnie?
are u okay?
you didn’t text back yesterday
donnie<3
yeah i’m okay
sorry for worrying u
ethan<3
its ok<3
did something happen?
donnie<3
yeah kinda
my brothers found out about you
bc i forgot to close our chat on my computer
like an idiot lmao
and they walked in while i wasn’t home
my dad knows too
ethan<3
oh my god??
are you okay??
what the fuck
donnie<3
i’m okay
ran away a little, maybe
ethan<3
how do you run away a /little/?
donnie<3
ehhhh well
i stopped hiding so they could find me? i guess?
ethan<3
jesus christ
you drama queen
donnie<3
you know meee :3
ethan<3
im serious tho, are u okay?<3
i know you said you weren’t /that/ worried about them being homophobic
but
yk
donnie<3
i’m good i promise, it sucked but /they/ don’t suck so that helps
we talked
a lot
we’re good now<3
i thought they were mad in the beginning
hence me ✨queening out✨
ethan<3
a valid queen out btw
donnie<3
but they were just worried i guess
about like
my online presence??
we’re kinda big on safety
ethan<3
they thought i was a 40 y/o virgin living in a basement?
you’ve literally seen my face???
donnie<3
yeah I know jfshkjdfs
they aren’t online much so like
they think the worst yk
minus mikey i guess
he’s like 89% tiktok sounds
ethan<3
ah
offline people can be so weird about making friends online
donnie<3
well for all you know i could be like
a middle-aged creep named greg or smth
ethan<3
nah
your voice is too nice for that
i don’t need to see your face to know you
you could secretively be a reptile for all i care
donnie<3
careful what you wish for
i’ll show you one day, i promise
ethan<3
only if you want to<3
donnie<3
<3
ethan<3
im glad it went okay tho
all things considered lol
donnie<3
yeah me too
i feel a lot better actually
its like a huge weight just disappeared yk
ethan<3
yeah
it felt like that with my mom
donnie<3
lmao wait my brothers want to say hi
ethan<3
oh my god??
donnie<3
give me a sec
ethan<3
donnie
DONNIE
you cant just spring your family on me
i haven’t prepared
fuck dude istg
donnie<3
HI ETHAN
- mikey
ethan<3
hi??
oh mikey! hi!
donnie<3
SHOW ME YOUR DOG
- mikey
ethan<3
lmao okay
*picture of a grey pitbull with a pink collar, staring at ducks by a pond*
donnie<3
holy shit she’s so cute
tell her i’d take a bullet for her pls
ethan<3
haha will do!
is it still mikey?
donnie<3
ye
raph is too shy
he saysdsjkd m,akba
ethan<3
omg did he smite you
donnie<3
they’re wrestling
mikey’s losing
its leo
ethan<3
hi! nice to meet you:3
donnie<3
you too
if you hurt donnie i’ll kill you
or something
i don’t know
i’ll figure something out
sorry i think i’m being rude
mikey says i’m being rude
raph is giving me a thumbs up however
ethan<3
its okay?? i think???
huh well
donnie<3
okay i’m leaving now
ethan<3
bye?
donnie<3
mikey has a picture he wants to show you
its donnie again btw
ethan<3
do i wanna see it
be honest
donnie<3
oh you wanna see it
ethan<3
ok hit me
donnie<3
*Picture of a crumbled piece of paper being held up to the camera. On it is a poorly drawn stick figure with big glasses and two big front teeth. Next to it, written in graffiti-styled handwriting, are the words “loser nerd” drawn with an impressive cartoon-styled arrow pointed at the stick figure. On the other side, in the same handwriting, is the sentence “not even that hot” along with another arrow. The drawing holds no color other than a purple headband around the stick figure’s head*
he drew me
ethan<3
i’m pissing myself holy shit
that’s so good
donnie<3
yeah so now you know what i look like
the resemblance is uncanny btw trust me
mikey is good at art like that
ethan<3
you look so cute
and hot
idk what mikey’s talking about
donnie<3
jsdfhjksd
<3
ethan<3
<3