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Eddie rolled the beer between his palms. Buck could tell there was something on his mind, but he did not press it. He knew it would come out soon enough, and for once he decided to be patient. There was no saw or ram that could extract someone’s thoughts. Well, there was torture. You could use saws and rams for that, too. But the last thing Buck wanted to do was torture Eddie. Buck fidgeted to jerk himself back into the present, cursing his ADHD brain for leading him down that rabbit hole.
Buck met Eddie’s gaze. Thankfully, Eddie looked like he was finally ready to bring it up.
“Listen, Buck. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Buck looked over at Eddie with a crinkled smile and innocent blue eyes framed by dark eyelashes.
“Yeah, shoot, Eddie. What’s up?”
“How did you know you were bi?”
Buck nearly dropped his beer. “Uh,” he said, his voice a little choppy. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that.”
Eddie was still looking at him expectantly with his brown puppy-dog eyes.
“Oh wow, you’re really… Well, I don’t know. I always knew I liked women. I guess I didn’t really see guys as an option until Tommy. Because of compulsory heterosexuality. But before that, I used to check out a hot guy’s… well, you know… and I’d pass it off as aesthetics, or wanting to be like them. But I figured out it was more than just that.”
Eddie nodded. “Interesting.”
Buck blinked many times in rapid succession. In his head he was analyzing, overanalyzing, trying to make sure that was a thorough enough answer. After Eddie did not say anything for another few seconds, he decided to add an addendum. “It was more than ‘I want to be like that person’... more like ‘I want that person to pin me to a wall and kiss the living daylights out of me.’”
“Damn, Buck,” said Eddie with an expression that seemed both shocked and impressed. “I didn’t know you felt that strongly… or had words that strong to describe it.”
Buck started blushing so hard he wished he had a miniature fire team on hand to quell the outbreak. He had probably let slip more than he should have. But he rested easily. He trusted Eddie with his life. Eddie could handle a loose detail let slip from Buck’s mouth.
“Sorry, yeah. It’s the beer talking.”
Eddie took another sip of beer. “It’s all good, Buck. You know that.”
It was Buck’s turn to take a sip of beer and drift into silence. But his mind was still churning under the surface. There was something he just could not stop thinking about. “So, why do you ask?”
It seemed like Eddie did not want to answer. He changed the subject. “In the changing room, when you see me shirtless, does that do anything for you?”
Buck laughed it off. But it was true. Of course it was true. Eddie was as fit as they came, honorable but beautifully broken, like a kintsugi bowl, something Buck had read about on the internet. They were these cool bowls from Japan that were broken and put back together with a special lacquer made with gold. Eddie had been through a lot of trauma in his life. But he was still in one piece, and through his hard exterior, his warm spirit shined.
But Eddie could not be asking Buck about this. Buck had resolved long ago not to pursue Eddie. He was straight (a long string of girlfriends could attest to that). (Although Buck had also had a long string of girlfriends… anyway.) This conversation could not happen. Buck’s relationship with Eddie is one of the few things that he could not afford to mess up, and Buck had a habit of messing things up. This was off the table.
“Let’s not talk about that,” said Buck.
The minute he said it, he realized how Eddie would interpret it. Instead of interpreting it as genuine desire to steer the conversation away, Eddie would interpret it as Buck having something to hide. In the very act of trying not to mess up, Buck had messed up.
But Buck was also a chronic worrier, and Eddie was a grounded and laid-back guy.
“It’s all good,” said Eddie. His brown eyes glowed with an inner warmth and his honey cheeks gathered into an easy smile. “It’s just that, sometimes I wonder if I also missed my calling.”
Buck swallowed. “How so?”
“‘It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well’ and such,” said Eddie. “My brain was not fully developed by the time I was married and had a kid on the way. Maybe I missed out on my chance to explore a side of me that I never knew existed.”
Buck could barely believe what he was hearing. “Are you saying… you think you might…”
“Like guys?”
They held each other’s gaze.
“Yeah,” said Eddie, and Buck was surprised to see the glimmer of tears in his eyes. “Maybe.”
“Wow, Eddie, uh, I don’t know what to say. Congratulations?”
Eddie plowed forward. “I just wish I could know for sure.”
“There’s nothing stopping you, is there?” said Buck.
“No, but this is a tough time in my life without the added pressure of dating. Chris and I just got back from El Paso. He needs stability right now. God, if his abuelo even knew I was having these thoughts. He would be furious. This is not the time for me to be second-guessing myself.”
Buck felt the need to jump in. “But it’s not second-guessing. You never had a chance to have a first guess, remember? Weren’t you just telling me how you never had a chance to date different people before you were married? Everyone deserves the chance to find out who they really are, and yes, that includes you.”
Eddie smiled. “Thanks, Buck.”
“You know, I’d be happy to help. I… I could watch Chris for you, ask Maddie if she knows anyone she could set you up with…”
Eddie tilted his head to the side and Buck knew he was not thrilled at that idea. “I don’t want the word to get around that I’m thinking about this. And blind dates? I don’t know about that. It would just be awkward, especially because I don’t even know if I’m really into guys.”
“Sounds like you need a low-pressure way to test out how being with a guy makes you feel.”
Buck watched gears turn in Eddie’s head. At last, they seemed to stall, or maybe stop of their own volition. He fixed Buck with a close gaze and spoke in a lower voice. “You know, there is one way.”
Buck’s heart fluttered. Something about Eddie’s delivery was different, unlike any tone he had ever used in front of Buck before.
“Yeah?” breathed Buck.
Eddie kept Buck’s gaze. Whatever it was he wanted to say, it seemed like he was having trouble saying it out loud. Buck continued looking at him, waiting.
“You’re clueless,” said Eddie with a chuckle. He regained his composure and said, even quieter: “maybe you could help?” As if that was not enough of a signal, Eddie glanced down at Buck’s lips.
Buck swallowed. Seeing Eddie shy and small like this was something he had rarely seen before. Him asking this was a big favor. It sounded like something Buck had only encountered in dreams. It sounded like Eddie was asking Buck for a kiss.
Buck had waited for this moment, in sleep and waking life, for years. Ever since he’d seen Eddie putting on that crisp 118 t-shirt and momentarily lusted after him from a distance. Eddie was the man Buck wanted to pin him to the wall and kiss into oblivion.
“Uh, I don’t know, Eddie. I don’t want to make things weird between us.” Truth was, Buck was afraid of what he would do if the floodgates were opened. He had lusted after this moment for so long. And Eddie was not interested in him, he was just interested in the experience. Buck had to remind himself of that.
Eddie’s face darkened. “Oh. Never mind.”
They sat in strained silence, avoiding eye contact. They had had their fair share of awkward moments before, but this one took the cake.
Finally Buck looked back at Eddie. Eddie met his gaze with soft, sad eyes.
Buck could put up with many things, but the one thing he could not bear was seeing Eddie sad.
Buck moved slowly and deliberately. He set his beer on the table and closed the distance between him and Eddie on the couch. He turned sideways, bracing one leg between him and Eddie on the couch and the other one on the floor. He was now pushing his muscular body against Eddie's, so close, he could feel Eddie’s body heat and smell the beer on his breath.
Buck looked in Eddie’s eyes. A final check before something happened they could never laugh off or take back. You sure you want this? Eddie’s dark eyelashes fluttered closed and Buck went in for the kiss.
Eddie’s lips were soft and plump under Buck’s own. His skin was covered in a sheen of light sweat, and it had a smell Buck recognized and loved, because it was Eddie’s. The prickle of Eddie’s stubble on his lip awakened something in Buck’s stomach, but he tried to suppress his excitement–this was transactional, a favor for a friend, is all. Buck could hear his heartbeat in his neck as he gently sucked on Eddie’s lips. Buck kissed Eddie slowly, and when they parted he lingered, trying to log every part of this moment in his memory.
Buck opened his eyes, but Eddie’s were still closed. Buck took this respite as a chance to try and make sense of the moment. He had just kissed his longtime crush, Eddie Diaz. Edmundo. His best friend.
Eddie’s eyes finally opened and settled on Buck, still lingering nearby. Eddie had an overpowered look on his face. He was still holding his beer. Buck looked to him for feedback, but Eddie did not say a thing. Eddie’s gaze was hard and intent. Eddie reached forward to put his beer on the table. Buck took that as a sign to retreat, but as he leaned away, he met the resistance of one of Eddie’s strong arms, soon joined by another, which pulled him closer again.
This time, it was Buck who was being kissed. He felt like he was floating on a cloud. He could hardly believe the feel of Eddie’s lips on his own. It was a dream. It had to be. Nowhere else but in a dream could Buck be so lucky that his best friend would kiss him with soft lips, so warm and pliant. Nowhere but in a dream would Buck feel the tautness of Eddie’s broad arms wrapped around him.
After far too long in denial that this was even happening, Buck started kissing back. His left hand found the back of Eddie’s neck and his right found its way into his close-cropped hair, like he had dreamed of in so many forgotten nights. The brain may forget dreams but the body remembers. Buck’s body moved on autopilot, guided by his subconscious.
Buck tore his lips away from Eddie’s. Eddie stopped, lips parted in confusion. But Buck knew where he was going: the side of Eddie’s neck. Buck leaned over and pressed warm, wet kisses to Eddie’s neck. Eddie rolled his neck the other way to allow Buck room to work his way up to his earlobe, gently touching it with his tongue.
A contented sigh rolled from Eddie’s lips and to Buck there was no better sound in the entire world. But both tensed at the sound and seemed to finally realize what they were doing. They sprang apart.
Buck shifted uncomfortably and stared at his beer on the table. Finally he looked back at Eddie. Those were the lips he had just kissed. That was the neck, the earlobe. It was all attached to Eddie Diaz, in the flesh.
“So… uh…,” said Buck.
Eddie had a distant, slight smile on his face. He nodded. “Yeah, that works.”
Buck let loose his wide grin. Eddie did not know that those were the same words Buck had said after his own first kiss with a guy. But Eddie’s grin faded into a tired sigh. It was just for a moment, a rush, a fleeting dream. But it was a transaction. A transaction, he reminded himself.
“Great,” said Buck quickly, anxiety taking over. “Now you know.”
Buck stood up and started walking towards the door. “Listen up, world, Eddie Diaz likes guys now, and he’s coming to break your hearts.”
Eddie followed Buck. Eddie put one hand on the door and one hand on Buck’s shoulder to stop him from leaving.
“Buck, I don’t want to date random people. I already know the guy I like.”
Buck blinked and squinted in disbelief.
Eddie fixed Buck with an intense gaze. “And I’m pretty sure he likes me back.”
Buck breathed out. “He does.”
Buck and Eddie shared a smile, but Eddie’s was slightly more mischievous: “So what’s this you told me about you and walls?”