Chapter Text
“Please evict him.”
“Please don’t evict me.”
Instantly regretting opening your door, you attempted to slam it on them. However, they both caught it with unnatural ease. You sighed.
Charlie piped up first, “You are harbouring a criminal." What happened to 'good morning, hello, how are you?' "There is no doubt about it, he’s Phantom R! Just look at his hair, his eyes and his overall patheticness.”
You and Charlie both looked at Raphael. He’s got the pathetic factor, but… Phantom R?
Raphael huffed. “Okay, first of all, patheticness? Really? I’m like a 2 on the pathetic scale, you know,” he said.
The two of you look at him skeptically.
“Ouch. Okay, fine. But that’s just it, right? We can all agree that I sure can’t jump from rooftop to rooftop, evading capture left and right… or whatever it is he does. I wouldn’t know.”
“Hm. That last part sounds a bit tacked on—”
“Besides,” Raphael talked over her, “I’ve been paying my bills on time for several years now. Several! A criminal wouldn’t be doing that, you know?”
Charlie scoffed. “Sure you pay your bills.”
“But I do!” he exclaimed. “Boss, show the logs to her!” They both looked at you, hopefully and skeptically respectively.
You, the boss in question, pinched your nose bridge. You really should’ve gotten an aspirin. “This is,” you heaved a sigh, “the third time this week. You two really deserve each other.”
Raphael and Charlie looked at each other in mutual disgust.
“Ew.”
“Yuck.”
“See what I’m saying? You two said that at the exact same time.” You rolled your eyes. “And you haven’t thought to call the police and arrest him, private eye?”
“He can’t be arrested, because he’s Phantom R,” Charlie said plainly. “He’d just slip out of handcuffs.”
You blinked slowly in disbelief. “...Right.” And it couldn’t be because he’s not Phantom R. That would be silly.
Raphael snickered. “No, you can’t arrest me because I haven’t done anything wrong.” A loud cough. “Andbecausethepolicesuck.”
Charlie flared up. Absolutely marvelous. That is exactly what you needed on a Sunday morning. “You’ve literally stolen from the world’s most famous art museum, phantom,” she loudly rebutted, saying the word 'phantom' as if it personally offended her.
Raphael laughed, leaning his body against the wall. “No, I’d scream in horror if the gates at a supermarket beeped, even though I knew for sure that I hadn’t shoplifted anything.” He turned towards you for approval. “Don’t you think so?”
You sighed. Even if had tried to steal, he’d trip on some invisible rock and tumble miserably to the ground. “That does sound about right,” you had to acknowledge. Raphael grinned.
“Come on!” Charlie urged. “You’re falling for his act! Don’t you see his conniving grin?”
You pinched your nose bridge.
“And what about you, Raphael? You haven’t thought to file a restraining order on her?” you asked, a bit too desperate.
Just as Charlie was about to rebut, he interrupted. “No, actually…there isn’t much to restrain her from? She just makes empty threats.”
The urge to scream only increased with time. “You don’t need a reason to file a restraining order.” Please, god, file one, you come close to saying.
Raphael hummed. “Mmmm…” You got your hopes up during Raphael’s mock contemplation. “Nah, I don’t feel like it. I find the situation all pretty funny, honestly.” Your hopes and dreams are then thoroughly crushed with just one statement.
With restraint rivalling even monks themselves, you manage to not punch the two of them right then and there. “You know what? Since you two get along so, so well, why don’t you just move in together, huh? It'll certainly save me the headache.”
Charlie, you see, had a normal reaction. Her mouth pulled into a grimace, and immediately made to stomp away.
However, the moment you thought you could go on with your day, Raphael’s grin widened.
“Hey, how about it, detective? Sounds fun. Unless you want to back out of a challenge, that is,” he called out, taunting. “Typical for someone of the Parisian police.”
Charlie stopped dead in her tracks. Oh god, what have you done.
You hastily began speaking, "That was a joke. Do not move in with him. Please. I'm sure there will be many other opportunities—"
"There's no better opportunity of catching me than being up close and personal," Raphael said with a teasing lilt. "It's fine, though. I'll just prepare to move out of Paris today, Charlie."
After a moment of tense silence, she suddenly turned around and grabbed Raphael’s collar. “I’m going to catch you in the act, Phantom R," Charlie slowly spoke. “I’m going to wait until you crack, and then I’ll finally get the evidence to capture you.”
Raphael escaped her grip with ease, and had the audacity to laugh. “I’d like to see you try.”
She huffed, letting go of him. “Tomorrow night. 6 o’clock,” Charlie gritted out. “You better be at the entrance, or else I’m knocking down every single door until I find you.”
With that statement, she promptly walked away, down the winding apartment hallway. You let out an exasperated sigh, feeling strongly like disintegrating into dust.
"This is a grave of your own making, Raphael,” you huffed, reaching for the door. “No idea why anyone would want to room with her, no less you.”
Which... really begs the question. “Hey, are you… really Phantom R?” you hesitantly asked.
Raphael chuckled. “Would you believe me if I said yes?”
You slammed the door shut.