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He wasn’t sure what he expected before diving at fast speed towards the ground, he sometimes thought he was expecting to die, that he could do one good thing in his life and save his village. But the fight was blurry in his mind. He remembered failing to free Toothless and diving into the sea. He remembered his father saving them both and apologizing. He remembered flying, the fire, and an explosion, falling, and falling, and falling. He remembered the screaming, the pain and the numbness. He remembered the darkness after it.
But he didn’t remember his father’s crying, or the vikings working hard to get him back to Berk to save his life. He didn’t remember the other kids flying on dragons, taking the rest of the village back to the island. He didn’t remember the prayers of the people, asking for one last miracle to the gods and let him live.
He also didn’t remember the few times he woke up after the fight, he has no recollection of it, but Gobber has told him he woke up screaming or calling for Tootholes. That his father, chief of Berk, Stoick the Vast, would hug him and talk softly to him to calm him down. He didn’t remember himself asking for mercy when they had to pinned him down to cut the rest of his leg in order for it to heal correctly.
He couldn’t, for his life, remember when his father told him about the changes he was making in his name. The welcome of the dragons, the truce between humans and dragons. How the villagers and dragons learned to tolerate each other to honor his sacrifice. The way the other kids tried to teach the adults to ride them, to understanding them. He couldn’t remember the chaos of it, the desperation, and the hope. How everyone was hoping for him to wake up to lead them through the path of peace.
He couldn’t remember any of it. Everything sounded like the myths Gobber liked to tell as if they were anecdotes. It sounded ridiculous.
But it was real. He knew it was. The moment he woke up and Toothless was inside his hut, he knew something had changed. But the moment he looked at his missing leg he should’ve known that it wouldn’t last. That he was going to mess it up, because that’s what he did, mess things up. He was Hiccup the Useless after all.
At first he thought he could do it. When he got out of his house and looked at the dragons coexisting with the villagers, when his father looked at him proudly, when Astrid kissed him in front of everyone. He was almost sure he could go with it, that he could forget and move on, that he could live without the memories of the transition, that he could pretend everything was okay, just like everyone else. But here he was, in the cove, hiding from everyone.
Because for him, what happened, what he remembered, was that he was a runt. He was a disappointment. He had been cast aside for years, and when things turned ugly, he had been disowned by his father. For him, Toothless had been muzzled, tied to a boat, and forced to lead the vikings to the Nest. For him, he had been forced to work with his bullies to save the village that spent years humiliating him. He didn’t save his village because wanted to, he had fought the Red Death because his only friend had been in danger.
Of course, that’s not completely true. No matter how much he wanted to be angry at them, how much he wanted to hate them, he just couldn’t. He fought to save his people, to save his father. He was never the viking his father wished for, but he wasn’t a monster. Hiccup still treasures the memories of when his father was nothing but gentle to him. He guessed he was expecting to save that man, that maybe he could see him again.
And the crazy part was that he had seen him again. Since he woke up one leg short, he had seen him every day. But he didn’t feel like he thought he would. He thought if he could make his father proud, he could be happy. That if his father was proud, the rest of the village would be equally proud. And they were. But he wasn’t happy.
Because as much as he was trying to appreciate it, he couldn’t get rid of this ugly feeling. He couldn’t help but feel like he was a slip away from losing everything. Like it was a matter of time before things went back to normal. Because this wasn’t normal. Normal was him going out of his hut and getting hit by Snotlout, being ignored by Astrid, being bullied by the others. Normal was him being rejected by the villagers, being looked at with disgust, being pushed around. Normal was being ignored by his father, never able to do something good, messing things up, hiding in the forge and pretending he was helping Gobber.
Normal was not getting out of his hut and being asked to help out. It was not sitting at a table and being swarmed by the other teens to talk about trivial things. It wasn’t being hugged by his father in a casual way in front of everybody. It wasn’t being important. Normal wasn’t this, nothing that was happening was normal. Everything was strange.
Before wasn’t pretty –it was actually miserable–, but at least he knew were he stood. He knew who he was, sort of. He knew what he lacked, what he wasn’t. Now, he wasn’t sure. Everything around him was different, but he was the same Hiccup. He wasn’t strong, he was still clumsy, he was not good with weapons, he was still messing things at the forge, he was not funny, or loud, he wasn’t actually a viking.
But he was hopeful that maybe he could get used to it. It was an improvement from before, now he was needed, and people seek him out to ask for help, his father was proud, and he finally had friends. But this feeling wasn’t going away.
He had lasted a week, just a few days, and he was shaking from the pressure. He was snapping at people; he was avoiding them; he even had yelled at his father. His father took his words without talking back, he was, well, stoic. He just couldn’t take it anymore. And it was so stupid, it wasn’t even a big deal. But it was like his mind was being stuffed by Zippleback gas, and his father had been the ultimate spark that set him off.
He couldn’t even remember what he said, and that didn’t surprise him, his memory had been a mess since he woke up. But he had run away. He was embarrassed, and he didn’t really know what to say. He also didn’t want to hear what his father had to say. He just didn’t want to deal with it.
He looked at Toothless, he was playing with a Terrible Terror that had followed them, Hiccup was sure some of them started to follow him when he started feeding them. Hiccup sighed, at least the dragons were enjoying the changes, they didn’t have to raid Berk to survive anymore, and some seemed to even like the vikings. And Toothless, he was even happier, now he could move around the island without worrying about being attacked.
The thing is, he could, but he wouldn’t. When Hiccup ran into the forest, Toothless followed him. The dragon hadn’t left his side since he woke up. If Hiccup left a room, he would follow; if Hiccup went to his hut, he would follow; if Hiccup ran into the forest to be left alone, he would follow. Hiccup had told him he could go if he wanted to, but he wouldn’t.
Hiccup wondered if it was because of his tail. He had been trying to work on a tailfin that would allow him to fly on his own, he was feeling guilty about it. But it wouldn’t explain how Toothless wouldn’t let other dragons near him. Hell, he barely let vikings near him. He had growled to everyone on the village at some point, he would only stop if Hiccup said so.
It was adorable in a way. Even with all the guilt and the doubts, he couldn’t deny that Toothless cared for him. And that was part of the problem. Hiccup knew that if anything happened, Toothless would be there for him. It was a contrast to the rest of Berk. He wasn’t scared of messing things up in front of him, but it was different with the people. It was just too messy of a situation.
He sighed louder, this time catching Toothless attention. The night Fury stopped playing and ran to Hiccup, he loved cuddling with the little human. Hiccup smiled, hugging the dragon back.
“I’m okay, bud” he said, feeling warm inside “I just wished I could get past it already”
“Get past what?” Astrid’s voice made him jump so bad he almost ended up hitting the ground. If it wasn’t for Toothless he would have. Hiccup looked back at the girl, she was at the entrance of the cove, an axe on her back and a smug smile on her face. She seemed to enjoy scaring him. Toothless, on the other hand, wasn’t a fan. He started growling at her, eye slits turned thin, and a rumbled Hiccup knew meant fire in his chest. Astrid took a step back and held her hands up.
“It’s okay, Toothless” The dragon stopped, but he didn’t relax. He surrounded Hiccup with his tail and sat down aside him. Hiccup shocked his head annoyed, he didn’t know what to do with the overprotectiveness of his friend. He looked at Astrid, she wasn’t looking smug anymore, but she was trying to appear nonchalant. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, everyone is” she said, entering the cove. She tried to get closed to him, but Toothless kept warning her. She stopped a few steps away. “You’ve been missing for a few hours, no one knew where you went, and your father is getting worried”
“I’ve been away for longer”
And it was true. Ever since he was a child he had been sneaking into the woods for hours and hours. He even spent a few nights there. But now, if he was gone for just a few moments, people started to get worried. Now he couldn’t be alone for more than a few hours no matter how much he tried. And it was getting annoying. He really needed to find a place no one could get to. The cove seemed like a good place, but he had forgotten Astrid knew about it.
“True… But you’re still healing, Hiccup” she said, looking at his fake leg “We just want to make sure you’re alright”
“Right” He couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice, and Astrid noticed. “Look, you can go back and tell them I’m okay, just leave me alone”
“Why are you doing this? You need to stop pushing everyone away, we’re trying to help!”
“Well, I didn’t ask you to”
“You didn’t have to” she was trying to be nice, but she wasn’t his father, she wasn’t in control of her anger, and he knew it. And some pathetic part of him wanted her to be angry at him.
“Why? Because I’m one of you? Since when?” he was raising his voice, and he could feel Toothless getting agitated “This isn’t the first time I’ve been hurt, but now everyone wants to take care of me? Well Fuck you! I don’t want your help!”
“Look, we’re trying to be better, all of us” her voice was tense, she was still trying to remain calm. “Want to make it up to you”
“Well, you can’t! I don’t want your pity or whatever the fuck this is” He could feel Toothless growling now; he wasn’t moving but he was ready to protect his rider. He could also feel his fists, he was shaking, and his breathing was erratic. “I don’t need any of you!”
“So what? You’re going to hide here like a coward?” she snapped. She was angry too, but not like always, she was backing away, her hand ready to grab her axe.
“Maybe! Or maybe I’ll leave!” he yelled, just like he had yelled at his father. Unable to stop the words, not sure if he meant them “Hell, if you hadn’t stop me before, I wouldn’t have lost my leg!”
It was like he had pushed a button and time had stopped. He could see in her eyes a horrible feeling he was well accustomed to, guilt. And it was like going back in time, when he first saw Toothless. That time, it was fear, but the sentiment was the same. For a moment he could see himself in her. Guilt eating him away, trying his best to do something that seemed impossible, not accomplishing anything. He could see himself trying his best to fit in, unable to be like everyone else.
He didn’t have time to say anything. She walked to the entrance of the cove, stopping just for a moment.
“You are one of us, we couldn’t see it before because we were idiots” her voice was gentle and sad, and he could feel his heart breaking a little. He could see devastation all over her face. “But you’ve showed us that you are the greatest viking of us”
She left the cove. Hiccup stood there, his breathing went back to normal and Toothless was calmer. But his mind wasn’t. He didn’t know what to do, and this feeling inside him was getting out of control, he knew it. He didn’t know how long he stood there, looking at the place where Astrid had been. He felt like an idiot. Because it really was a matter of time before things went back to normal, only not the way he was thinking.
Astrid was right, he was pushing everyone away. And it was a matter of time before they gave up. Because they might be stubborn, but so was he, and he had proved to be an annoying one. He was also an idiot, because deep inside him, knew he was doing all this just to see how far he could go. How much could they endure before they gave up on him?
He was about to sit down once more, when he heard footsteps. Astrid entered the cove again, the devastation gone, replaced by her notorious determination. She walked all the way up to him, even with Toothless growling. She topped just a few centimeters away from him, only Toothless’ tail separating them.
“You know what, muttonhead, do whatever you want, say whatever you want” She poked his chest with her finger, and looked directly at his eyes “You can yell, call me things, bring up the past, ran away or hide… But that won’t stop me, not me. I’m not giving up on you”
He couldn’t talk even if he wanted to, it was like his mouth was paralyzed. He was surprised that she had come back.
“And I’m not the only one. The whole village will deal with it” She grabbed his arm and looked gentle for a second “We kind of deserve it, and if it will make you feel better, go ahead. But don’t think we’re just going to leave you alone, you saved us, now we take care of you”
Toothless had stopped growling, he had actually left mid rant. He was now playing with the Terrible Terror, unbothered. But Hiccup was still shocked, not sure what to say or do.
“So, are you going to come back with me peacefully, or do I have to carry you?” Her smug smile came back and couldn’t help but smile a little at it.
“Toothless wouldn’t let you” was the only thing that came out of his mouth.
“I don’t know, he seems quite busy” she said, looking at the two dragons play with the bone of a fish. Hiccup sighed at the antics of the dragons, it was hard to imagine they were actually dangerous. He looked back at Astrid, it was also hard to imagine the old Astrid now. The one that would ignore him or punch him for fun. Now, he could only see a friend, one that was apparently more stubborn than him.
“I’m sorry” he was, he didn’t really mean what he said. He didn’t even think he would have actually left. Not really.
“Don’t… You are right” she insists. “We treated you horribly, and all this must be, I don’t know, strange… But you are also wrong, we don’t pity you, we admire you, Hiccup”
He could feel tears in his eyes, because he actually believed her. He knew it was true. His father had apologized to him, his friends too, hell, almost everyone had. And they had also told him how much they admired him, how brave he had been, how courageous he had been, how much of a viking he was.
“I know… It’s just, too much” he said. And it was, it was overwhelming. Because he finally had everything he wanted, and more. And he didn’t know how to deal with it.
“Well, like I said, if it would make you feel better, you can keep yelling at us, we can take it”
“It doesn’t really make me feel better” he admitted. He actually wanted to stop doing it.
“I know, you’re too kind” She grabbed his hand and smiled at him “I know something that would make you feel better, though”
“What?”
“Going back at the village and rest” she said, her voice turning serious and gentle, a new normal for them. “You are still healing, and your leg probably hurts”
It did, he was just used to it by now. And it helped to distract him from his thoughts. Or he thought it did, not today apparently.
“Yeah, maybe”
“C’mon, let’s go back. I wasn’t lying about everyone looking for you”
He nodded. They started walking out of the cove when Toothless decided it would be faster if he carried them. Astrid was laughing while Toothless ran through the forest. Hiccup just smiled. Maybe it wasn’t a matter of time. Maybe normal was a thing of the past. Maybe he could move on and enjoy the new normal. Maybe his past was bad, but that didn’t mean his future had to be. It wasn’t going to be easy, he was probably going to yell again, he was going to hide again, maybe even run away. But this time, someone would be looking for him, this time someone would bring him back.