Chapter Text
Flirting was unavoidable at this type of shindig. Hell, it was expected. Leonard winked as he passed his companion a fresh drink. She smiled and dipped her finger in the bright pink cocktail, before bringing it to her mouth and sensually sucking it.
Leonard sighed inwardly. Yes, flirting was typical at any state dinner, but Orlissian culture took it over the top. Power, social status, politics – everything seemed to be tied to one’s ability to sexually satisfy a partner. The result was a fair amount of very blatant, very public sexual activity.
Which was fine. Leonard wasn’t one to judge. He could flirt with the best of them and leave them wanting more. He just wouldn’t – couldn’t – take it any farther than that. And, usually, that wasn’t a problem. He’d fill the time while Jim negotiated with harmless flirtation and then dodge any invitations that might arise.
Prior commitments, a planned early start in the morning, too much to drink, even a sudden illness. He’d used every excuse in the book, in the past. But this time, it was going to be more difficult. On this planet, turning down sex might just start a diplomatic incident.
“I hope I will see you again later, Doctor.” His new Orlissian acquaintance plucked a piece of fruit from a plate on the bar in front of them and brought it to Leonard’s lips. “But for now, I must speak with an old friend.
Leonard gingerly bit into the fruit, chewing and swallowing as politely as he could. He gave her a crooked smile, full of promise. “I’ll look for you,” he lied.
“See that you do.” She patted his cheek as he tried to hide a cringe, before sashaying across the room and greeting another Orlissian with a long kiss on the mouth.
For Pete’s sake. The rate of sexually transmitted infections on this planet must be through the roof. Leonard turned back to the bar, wondering how their health care system dealt with it. The exercise of developing a theoretical public health infrastructure kept him amused while he nursed his own cocktail. Even better, it kept a distracted look on his face, and no other Orlissians approached him.
“Enjoying yourself?”
Leonard jumped, sloshing his drink onto the bar. “Dammit, Jim. Don’t surprise me like that. I thought you were off making conquests.”
“I was.” Jim braced his elbows on the bar and leaned forward to signal the bartender. “But it’s thirsty work, and I thought I would check in on you at the same time. Kill two birds with one stone, as you would say.”
Leonard rolled his eyes. He didn’t use nearly as many idioms as Jim liked to pretend. He mostly saved them for when Spock could hear and profess confusion. It always worked to provoke an argument if there were no other topic at hand.
“Well, I’m just dandy, but you’re going to need a thorough assessment in Sick Bay as soon as we make it back to the ship. How many people have you kissed tonight, anyway?”
Jim beamed at him. “Truthfully, I’ve lost count. Isn’t this planet great?”
“Wonderful,” Leonard sighed. “And negotiations? How are they going?”
Jim’s smile widened even further. “The brass will be happy. We’ve really impressed them. I knew you and Uhura could pull it off, but even Spock has pulled out all the stops tonight.”
Leonard glanced across the room to where Spock was holding court and grimaced. The Orlissians surrounding him were hanging on his every word. One went so far as to put his hand on Spock’s bare forearm, and, to Leonard’s chagrin, Spock didn’t brush it away.
Scowling, Leonard looked back down at his drink. It was none of his business if his shipmates wanted to blow off some steam. Especially not when they were on a planet where that was encouraged and stood every change of improving their mission success.
The bartender passed a fresh drink across the bar to Jim, and Jim immediately raised it in a toast. “Well, back into the fray. Chin up, Bones.” With that, he disappeared into the crowd.
Grumbling under his breath, Leonard tossed back the rest of his drink before arranging his features in a pleasant smile. He set the empty glass aside, and meandered across the room towards Spock. He couldn’t afford to be seen as antisocial, but he also couldn’t afford the interest of another Orlissian. It was going to be tough enough to avoid the one he’d already attracted.
“I hope Commander Spock has been keeping all y’all appropriately entertained,” he said, joining the group. He looked around the group, careful to make eye contact and smile with just the right amount of suggestion. “Doctor Leonard McCoy.” He went around the group, shaking or bowing over hands as seemed appropriate.
Spock inclined his head slightly, a hint of self-satisfaction in his expression. “I’ve had no complaints, Doctor.”
“Oh, he’s been just fascinating,” one of the Orlissians gushed, and the others all rushed to agree as Spock listened impassively.
Leonard’s lips turned up again, this time in a real smile. He could see why Spock had made an impression on them. His restraint made a striking counterpoint to the obvious availability of the Orlissians around them.
“Isn’t he just,” he said, with a teasing glance at Spock. “But you must tell me all about yourselves and your beautiful planet.”
The group broke into excited overlapping chatter, and Leonard settled in to listen. It was his favourite trick. Everyone, no matter who they were or where they were from, loved to talk about themselves. If he could get them started, then he didn’t have to work to carry the conversation and would still leave them feeling good about themselves.
A pretty, pink-haired Orlissian was just describing the waterfalls near her home city, when a bell chimed twice. The noise of the crowd gradually subsided, conversations stopping as everyone turned to face the stage at one end of the room.
The Orlissian leader, a slender woman with perfectly-coiffed hair and enormous earrings, stood next to Jim and several other dignitaries on the stage. Once she had the room’s attention, she began to speak, her magnified voice reaching the back of the room easily.
The speech hit all the usual notes, and, when she turned the stage over to Jim, the words became even more familiar. Jim had several stock speeches that he modified as needed, and Leonard had heard them all a million times.
Suppressing a yawn, he waited for the speeches to end. Once that portion of the evening finished, he’d be free to make his escape. He glanced at the bar, planning to get one more drink and mingle just long enough to keep Jim happy before asking Scotty for a beam-up.
“As the official part of the night ends, I have one final surprise for you,” the Orlissian leader announced. “I’m bound and determined to show our extra-terrestrial visitors just how we treat guests on Orlissa.”
Leonard’s attention snapped back to the stage. Surprises were never good. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a tiny frown line appear between Spock’s eyebrows.
“Behold!” The Orlissian leader waved her hand, and the long, heavy curtains spaced regularly along the walls began to open. Behind them, opaque blue pods, decorated with long lines of tiny glass bulbs and topped with another gigantic lightbulb, were revealed. Each pod had a single door, all of which opened slowly as Leonard watched.
Many of the Orlissians in the room squealed. One of the more exuberant ones standing beside Leonard went so far as to clap their hands together while bouncing up and down.
On the stage, Jim leaned forward to speak into the Orlissian leader’s ear, a questioning look on his face. She turned to him and smiled invitingly, placing a hand on his chest. Leonard’s eyes narrowed as he watched her mouth move as she explained. Of course they wouldn’t amplify the goddamn explanation.
Still, it didn’t look too bad. Jim was still smiling as he offered the Orlissian leader his hand. She took it and he bowed over it before leading the way to one of the nearby pods.
“What’s going on?” Leonard asked, doing his best to keep suspicion out of his voice.
“It’s a game, Doctor.” The pink-haired Orlissian smiled at him. “You and your partner go inside, and the lights come on when one of you orgasms. Whichever pair times their orgasms the closest together wins.”
Oh, fuck. Leonard’s stomach dropped into his freshly-polished boots as his heart started pounding. There was no way. He needed to get out of here, before it became obvious that he could talk the talk, but he couldn’t walk the walk.
Wildly scanning the room for an escape route, he accidentally caught the eye of the Orlissian from earlier. She smiled slowly and started towards him. Panicking, he looked away. She was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Any normal man would jump at the opportunity, but Leonard wasn’t normal. That was the whole problem.
“Is something the matter, Doctor?” Spock asked, in that infuriatingly calm voice of his.
“Just thinking about sitting this one out, Mr. Spock,” Leonard replied. The room was too crowded to easily disappear. Could he make himself ill? That would be embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as what would happen if he were forced into one of those pods.
The pink-haired Orlissian gasped in shock. “Why would you? It’s a great honour to be able to demonstrate your sexual prowess this way.”
“I recommend against it,” Spock said slowly, his eyes resting on Leonard. “We do not wish to give even the appearance of disrespect to our hosts.”
Right. Fine. If he couldn’t avoid it, then it had to be with someone from the Enterprise. Jim was already gone, and he’d spotted Uhura stepping closer to an Orlissian when he’d scanned the room earlier. Spock was his only option. God help him.
Steeling himself, he took the two steps needed to reach Spock, and wrapped a hand around his upper arm, careful to stay over his sleeve. “Then I think this is our cue, Spock.” Leonard smiled as naturally as he could manage, letting his eyes bore meaningfully into Spock’s all the while. Get the message, he prayed. Get the message, and don’t question me.
“Oh, but Doctor, you see your Mr Spock every day. Won’t you let one of us pleasure him?” The Orlissian who’d put his hand on Spock’s arm earlier pouted. “Besides, Reann was looking forward to being with you.”
Leonard glanced over his shoulder again and quailed. His conquest from earlier, who had to be Reann, had almost reached them.
Thinking fast, he shook his head sorrowfully. “I wish we could oblige you, but we have a concept of monogamy in our culture. Mr. Spock and I have promised to only be with each other.”
“That is…” Spock started to say, and Leonard could just tell that he was going to argue.
Throwing all caution to the wind, Leonard released Spock’s arm and grabbed his bare hand instead. Squeezing it tight, he focused on his overwhelming feeling of desperation. Ican’tIcan’tIcan’tIcan’tIcan’tIcan’t repeated over and over in his head, drowning out all other thoughts. He didn’t know what he would do if Spock said no.
“... correct,” Spock finished, with barely a pause between words.
Feeling almost faint with relief, Leonard let go of Spock’s hand, guiltily realizing that he’d gripped it so tightly that his fingernails had probably been digging in.
“Exactly.” Leonard started for the nearest pod, ignoring the pouts and giggles of the Orlissians behind them as Spock trailed along in his wake. If they truly had to do this, then it was better to just get it over with. Besides, the less time they gave the Orlissians to question them, the better. “No time like the present then.”
Inside the pod, there was just enough space for the two of them to stand next to a relatively large bed. The lighting was dim but flattering, and a small table held an assortment of lubricants and sex toys. Leonard jerked his eyes away from the table to stare at the bed instead. Not that the sight of it was really any better.
The door sealed behind them with a hiss that probably wasn’t meant to sound ominous but still made Leonard’s skin crawl. He sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Spock. I wouldn’t have roped you into this except I didn’t see any other options. I just… I can’t.”
“You made that extremely clear,” Spock replied, sounding disapproving. “But I’m still uncertain as to exactly what it is that you cannot do. You, like the Captain, have similarly meaningless encounters frequently, and I do not see what is different in this situation.”
Leonard laughed bitterly. “Well, for one thing, I don’t have meaningless sex. I don’t have any type of sex at all. I just let you think I do.”
Through his fingers, Leonard could see Spock frown slightly.
“Then I would think that you would appreciate the opportunity.” Spock tipped his head thoughtfully. “Is it a religious objection?”
Closing his eyes tightly so he didn’t have to see Spock’s reaction, Leonard forced himself to spit the explanation out. “No. I just… I just can’t get it up. Haven’t been able to for years. If I got locked in here with anyone else, the damn lights would never turn on, and then Jim would be forced to write a report about how the Federation’s relationship with the Orlissians was damaged because one Leonard H. McCoy couldn’t seal the deal.”
The silence stretched until Leonard couldn’t stand it any longer. Dropping his hands, he sat straight and glared at Spock. “Well? You gonna say anything?”
“Encounters of this type are never explicitly described in official reports,” Spock said, sounding like he was thinking of something else.
Leonard deflated. “Well, no. But everyone knows what ‘an unspecified ritual’ means. Especially because if it was anything but sex, we’d put all the details in.”
Spock nodded once in acknowledgement, his eyes still distant. He frowned. “I don’t see how bringing me into the pod instead of an Orlissian has solved your problem. If you are impotent, the lights, as you say, will still not turn on.
“I don’t think I like that word,” Leonard grumbled. Feeling small and exposed, he put his head in his hands again. “I do have a solution though. You’ll just have to get off twice.”
“We won’t be likely to win their game, in that case. I estimate my refractory period to be at least forty minutes.”
“Is that really important?” Leonard demanded. “All I want is to make it out of this nightmare without causing a diplomatic incident. Can’t you put your pride aside and help me?”
“My course of action was set as soon as I agreed to accompany you in here. You are correct that the Orlissians will not view us favourably if we don’t perform. Or at least, seem to perform.” Spock hesitated, eyes travelling over Leonard. “You’re on the bed. Do you plan to help?”
Leonard jumped up like he’d been stung. “No! I’ll give you your privacy.” Crossing his arms, he faced the wall and tried to ignore the sounds of Spock’s movements behind him. He wished the pod were just a little bit bigger, or came with ear plugs, or that he wasn’t here at all.
Sighing, he rested his burning face against the cool plastic of the pod wall. Normally, he wasn’t bothered by not being able to have sex. It had been years since he’d last tried, and over time, even the desire for sex had faded. It was actually convenient, given that he was in a position of command on the Enterprise with limited opportunities for relationships.
Still, it was embarrassing, and brought back bad memories. The whole erectile dysfunction issue had been a big part of the divorce that had imploded his life in slow motion.
There was a soft noise behind him, and Leonard scowled. He didn’t want to know anything about the sounds Spock made as he masturbated. The noise came again, and Leonard raised his eyes to the ceiling in resignation. Too late, he realized there was a mirror there.
In the reflection, he could clearly see Spock, legs spread and Starfleet-issued dress trousers undone. The muscles in his forearm flexed as he stroked himself, and there was a green flush across his cheekbones.
Against all odds, Leonard’s dick – his stupid, useless dick – twitched. He must have made some sort of noise, because Spock looked up as well, and caught his eyes in the mirror. Too stunned to look away, Leonard stared.
With another soft noise, Spock came. The blue walls around them transilluminated as lights began to flash, signaling to their audience what had happened. Leonard looked away hurriedly as Spock calmly reached over to the tissues laid out on the small table.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize there was a mirror there,” he mumbled. His face was even hotter now. If anything else embarrassing happened, he was likely to burst into flames.
“You knew what I was doing. Does it truly matter if you saw it as well?” Spock asked.
“Yes. Yes, it does,” Leonard snapped. He thought back to what he’d seen in the reflection, and his dick twitched again, which was a whole list of words that started with unexpected and ended with unacceptable. Clearing his throat, he pressed his forehead against the plastic wall again. “What now?”
“We have forty minutes before I can begin again, if you would like to try.”
Grimacing, Leonard shrugged. That was what Jocelyn had always suggested – Just try, Len. Why not just try? – and it never ended well. As soon as he agreed, there were expectations, and the pressure of those expectations weighed him down until he could think of nothing else. “It won’t work,” he said to Spock.
“Then we lose nothing,” Spock said, his voice completely neutral.
Licking his lips, Leonard considered the fact that his dick seemed to be getting with the program for once and, before he could talk himself out of it, nodded. “Fine. No promises though.”
He sat on the bed and motioned for Spock to take his place against the wall. Surprisingly, Spock leaned against the wall and did nothing to hide the fact that he planned to watch.
Smoothing his hands over his thighs, Leonard considered insisting that Spock turn around, but fair was fair after all, and Leonard had seen Spock, no matter how accidentally. Besides, it wasn’t like there was going to be much of a show.
Even though he was already having second thoughts, he opened his trousers and shoved them down. His dick lay there, completely flaccid. Sighing, Leonard poked at it.
“If that’s your technique, I think I’ve identified where the problem lies,” Spock said.
“Hardy har har,” Leonard said. “I didn’t know there’d be comments from the peanut gallery.” He started to fondle himself, hoping that he would get lucky and something would happen. Almost immediately though, he found himself thinking of the time limit.
Only forty minutes wasn’t enough time for his broken dick to start working. Besides, did he really want his (unlikely) orgasm to be announced with flashing lights to a full room of people. No. No, he did not.
Shaking his head, he took his hand away. “Why don’t we just wait it out?” he suggested. “This is pointless.”
Spock hummed thoughtfully. “If you wish, I could try to provide assistance.”
Leonard’s jaw dropped. “What?” he demanded. “Why?”
“It would decrease the amount of time we are trapped here and improve our social standing with the Orlissians if we climax at a closer interval.” Spock clasped his hands behind his back. “And I have no objection.”
What the fuck? Was Spock really offering to try to get him off? And was he really thinking about taking him up on it? His heart rate sped up in anticipation, and Leonard jerked his head in a nod. What he’d felt looking at Spock in the mirror had been the closest thing to a sexual urge that he’d had in almost a decade. Why not see if Spock touching him had a similar effect?
Leonard twitched minutely as Spock crouched in front of him, and reminded himself to hold still.
“What do you want me to do?” Spock asked softly.
Leonard swallowed through a suddenly dry mouth as Jocelyn’s voice echoed through his head. What do you want me to do about it, Len? I’ve tried everything. It’s your problem, not mine! Maybe this hadn’t been such a great idea.
Still, he didn’t want to give up quite so quickly. He shrugged, and Spock reached up and set his hand on Leonard’s bare thigh. His fingers were warm and gentle and… Nope. He couldn’t do it.
Heart racing a mile a minute, Leonard bolted to his feet and across the pod. With shaking hands, he tucked his limp dick – no better than a dead worm – away and zipped his trousers up.
Drawing on every ounce of composure he’d built though almost two decades of medical training and experience, he glanced over his shoulder at Spock. “Back to plan A, then,” he managed to say in a voice that only shook faintly. He refused to think about what it said about him that he could handle life-threatening medical emergencies more calmly than he could a simple touch on the leg.
He listened long enough to hear Spock agree quietly, and then tuned everything out in favour of trying to regulate his breathing and slow his heart rate. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, imagining the cool plastic wall of the pod drawing stress out of him. Despite his efforts though, by the time Spock grunted behind him and the walls lit up, he was only marginally calmer. He waited just long enough for Spock to be decently covered before opening the pod door and stumbling out.
Uncaring of how odd it would look, he made a beeline for the door to the gardens outside the banquet hall. There, it was easy to find a dark corner to hide until he thought he could speak normally. Once he was sure, he tapped his communicator. “Scotty, one to beam up.”
***
All in all, it hadn’t been an ideal night, but Leonard dealt with it. He was an adult after all.
He wrote his official report about an unspecified alien ritual, apologized to Jim for leaving so abruptly and deflected Uhura’s questions about just who had pulled who into the pod. Most importantly, he apologized to Spock.
Well, he wrote a note expressing his thanks, his apologies and his general desire to never talk about any of it ever again and left it in a gift bag outside Spock’s quarters with a book that Leonard had actually intended to give to him for Christmas.
To be honest, he had intended to deliver it in person, but had chickened out immediately after ringing the door chime. Not that it mattered too much. It was the thought that counted.
The point was it all blew over relatively quickly, and things got back to normal. Except – they didn’t.
The experience had awoken Leonard’s long-hibernating sex drive, and it was downright maddening. Every time he saw Spock, or heard his voice, or read his infuriating Science Department memos, Leonard felt a jolt of arousal.
That, on its own, wouldn’t be too bad. Hell, Leonard might have even come around to finding it a pleasant distraction, except he couldn’t do anything with the feeling. Although he tried everything he could think of, nothing worked. He never succeeded in staying hard for more than a few minutes, much less actually getting off.
Being an adult, he lit on the obvious solution and started avoiding Spock. That had worked for a while, until Leonard had received a snippy (for Spock) message requesting they meet to discuss their unresolved conflict.
Groaning, Leonard rolled over in bed. He immensely regretted that he had agreed to meet Spock tomorrow after alpha shift. Although he fully intended to bullshit his way through the meeting while picking as many fights as humanly possible, he hadn’t anticipated how knowing that he was going to meet Spock in his quarters for a personal discussion would affect him.
He hadn’t been able to get it out of his mind, continually playing out scenarios that devolved into the worst kind of fantasies (the kind where Spock looked at him kindly, and fixed everything and Leonard finally, finally got to come). It had all culminated in an intensely erotic dream that had left him the hardest he’d been since he’d been in his twenties.
But did he dare try to do anything about it? Leonard slid his hand down his stomach and paused as his nerves started to build. He was a doctor; he knew how all this worked. He knew that bad experiences beget more bad experiences and nothing killed a boner faster than anxiety, but none of that actually helped him relax.
Rolling his eyes at himself, he started to jerk off without letting himself think about it. This was just a normal every-day act… that he hadn’t been able to do in almost a decade. His erection flagged slightly at the thought, and he changed tactics.
It was a race. He just had to remember enough about the dream before his brain sabotaged him. The details were disappearing as fast as he could think of them though. Desperately, Leonard drew upon his memory of seeing Spock climax, only for that to remind him of what had happened immediately afterwards.
With that, his dick went completely soft. With a heartfelt curse, Leonard released it and rolled over to punch a pillow. He never learned.
The next day was an atypically quiet day in Sick Bay, with only one patient seeking treatment for an ingrown toenail. Annoyed, Leonard gnawed on a thumbnail. Of all the times for Sick Bay to be boring, it was when he most needed a distraction.
He watched the clock, caught up on paperwork and made his junior staff nervous, until the time arrived to present himself at Spock’s door. Despite his impatience earlier in the day though, his steps seemed to slow more and more, the closer he got to his quarters.
Outside Spock’s door, he stared at the door chime for a full minute, before reaching out and pressing it. The door opened immediately, and Leonard stepped inside. Time to face the music.
The music, in this case, was a six foot tall half-Vulcan, who greeted Leonard’s arrival with a raised eyebrow.
“Leonard, please have a seat. There are things I wish to discuss with you.”
Feeling like a chastened schoolchild and annoyed by it, Leonard sat on the low couch Spock indicated. He crossed his foot over his knee and lounged against the back of the couch. After all, he might be uncomfortable, but Spock didn’t need to know that. Besides, he hadn’t actually done anything unprofessional, other than dragging Spock into that pod in the first place, that was.
Spock sat across from him and regarded him gravely. “Your behaviour since our visit to Orlissa suggests that you have developed a personal issue with me. I strongly suspect it is related to the events that occurred on that planet, and I wish to apologize.”
Sitting straight again, Leonard gave him a sharp look. “For what? I’m the one who got you into that mess, and you very kindly helped me out of it.”
“I believe I made you uncomfortable when I propositioned you.” Spock clasped his own hands in his lap, a sure sign that he was feeling unsure.
Groaning, Leonard scrubbed his hands over his face. He could have dealt with accusations and reprimands a lot more easily than this, whatever this was. “Look, you saved me a lot of embarrassment. I owe you for that. Why don’t we just let bygones be bygones and forget the whole thing?”
Spock tipped his head consideringly. “Will you stop avoiding me, if I agree?”
Caught up in his surprise at winning so easily, Leonard hesitated too long.
“You would not,” Spock said decisively. “Which means I must be mistaken about the cause of your behaviour.”
Leonard shook his head in warning. He did not want to talk about this.
“The efficient running of the Enterprise depends on our collegiality. And,” Spock paused briefly. “I find I miss my friend. Please allow me to repair our relationship.”
“Spock,” Leonard faltered. How was he supposed to respond to that with anything but the truth? “You’ve got it all wrong.”
“Then please correct me.”
Leonard cleared his throat awkwardly. He couldn’t believe he was actually going to explain, even partially. Scowling furiously at the ground, he considered how little he could get away with saying.
“It’s not about you, Spock. What happened on Orlissa just stirred some things up, and I’m waiting for them to settle back down.”
“Things,” Spock repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Again you demonstrate remarkable proficiency in obscuring your meaning.”
“Maybe I’m just trying to preserve what’s left of my dignity,” Leonard snapped. “So, yeah, that’s right. Things.”
“Things about your impotence.” Spock stated, a challenging look in his eyes.
Leonard glared at him. There was no way Spock had forgotten his objection to that word. “I still don’t like that word,” he said warningly.
“Then explain it to me, in your own words.” Spock looked at Leonard expectantly. “It is not logical to ignore conflict between us.”
“It is very human though,” Leonard tried, to no avail. Sighing, he tapped his fingers on his knee. The worst part was that a little part of him, probably the part responsible for all his fantasies, wanted to explain.
Sighing, he started to speak, picking his way through the thread of what he wanted to say. “I’ve had this problem for a while now, but it doesn’t bother me. I can’t, but I also don’t want to, so it doesn’t matter. Since Orlissa though, I still can’t, but now I want to, which is…” he trailed off, his cheeks burning.
“Distressing,” Spock supplied.
“Irritating,” Leonard corrected. “I just need some time to let the memories fade, and then I’ll be able to look you in the eye again.”
Spock tilted his head consideringly. “I don’t understand why you do not address the underlying issue. Have you consulted a doctor?”
“I consulted myself, which is more than enough,” Leonard said sharply. “I know exactly what it is, and it’s not physical. It’s all in my head.”
“Is it treatable?” Spock asked.
Leonard sighed and rested his head in his hands. Trust Spock to cut right to the heart of the issue. The thing was, there were ways to fix, or at least improve, his problem, but they required patience and a willing partner. Two things that Leonard lacked.
“Yes and no,” he said. “I actually have successfully counselled patients on this, but my situation is a bit different.”
Spock raised his eyebrows inquiringly.
“I… No, you know what? You don’t need to know any more.” Leonard sat up and crossed his arms firmly. “If I promise to stop avoiding you, will you let this go?”
For a moment, Leonard thought Spock would agree, and he felt his shoulders start to relax, but then Spock pursed his lips thoughtfully and leaned forward.
“Perhaps you could explain the problem and the treatment to me as if I were the patient? Then I could draw my own conclusions.”
That was actually not the worst idea Spock had ever had, Leonard had to admit. Talking about it at a remove might be just what the doctor ordered. He could explain everything clinically, and if Spock’s curiosity was satisfied, maybe he would let the topic drop.
Taking a steadying breath, Leonard let himself fall into his role. He was a doctor, seeing a patient. He had to be calm and professional and make his patient comfortable so they could discuss sensitive issues.
“I usually start by explaining that it’s a common problem and reassure them that I’ve seen people with much worse cases, although I never tell them that it’s me who’s worse off.” He paused and half-smiled in Spock’s direction, inviting him to share in the joke.
Spock nodded impassively, and Leonard sighed inwardly. Despite his best efforts, Spock still didn’t appreciate irony.
“Anyway, I set them at ease and then I explain how it all works. Essentially, when you’re having sex, good experiences set you up to be relaxed and have a good experience the next time. If you have a bad experience, then you get set up to have another bad experience.” Leonard caught himself using second person pronouns and glanced at Spock, but he didn’t seem perturbed, and it really was easier to fall into his normal spiel. “If it happens enough, you start to get anxious about sex and have difficulty performing, and then it all snowballs from there.”
“And that happened to you,” Spock said, his voice completely neutral.
“Well, yeah. I’m divorced, aren’t I?” Leonard tapped his fingers on his knee again and wished for something to fidget with. It was so much harder to talk about in reference to himself, compared to a hypothetical patient.
“And what do you recommend, in these cases?”
Taking a deep breath, Leonard fell back into his professional persona. “You have to replace the bad experiences with good, but you can’t rush it. I’ve got some handouts that I can give you. They’ve got information on some helpful exercises that you can do with your partner.”
Spock tilted his head again, a considering look in his eyes. “Have you attempted these exercises?”
“With what partner, Spock?” Leonard snapped and regretted it instantly. It was a reasonable question, after all. Reining himself in, he continued in a calmer voice. “I did try with Jocelyn for a while, but our marriage was already on the rocks by then. It didn’t go very well.”
Wincing at the memories, he turned his gaze to the floor. Truthfully, his problems had started long before their marriage fell apart. During residency, Leonard had often come from the hospital too exhausted to do much besides eat and fall into bed. Jocelyn hadn’t liked that, and, to be fair, Leonard had known he wasn’t paying enough attention to her. He just hadn’t had the energy to change anything.
Not that he hadn’t tried. He’d done his best to arrange date nights, but sometimes by the time they got to the intimate part of the evening, he had been so tired that he wouldn’t get hard. On one memorable occasion, he’d even fallen asleep in the middle of sex.
At first they’d been able to laugh it off, and Leonard had promised that things would improve when he finished his training, but by the time they had gotten there, too much resentment had built up.
When Leonard had suggested working through things, she had laughed at him and thrown her affairs in his face. Steve was a better kisser, Marty gave better oral, and Tom was much, much bigger. And, well, that had been the end. Their divorce papers had been signed within weeks.
Spock made a thoughtful noise. “And you didn’t attempt to find another partner after your divorce?”
Leonard waggled a hand in the air. “Tried for a bit, but it’s really not the kind of thing that lends itself well to a one night stand.”
Not that he’d had any difficulty picking up women. Even back then, he’d known how to flirt. But as soon as he got them home, his confidence would vanish, and his date would be left confused and unsatisfied. It had honestly made things worse.
Towards the end, he’d actually tried picking up a man, in the hopes that a different dynamic, one where someone else took the lead, would help. But the man – Darryl had been his name – had looked at him with the same expectations as the women, and Leonard had gotten so flustered that he hadn’t tried much more than a peck on the cheek.
Darryl had been very kind about it. He had patted Leonard on the shoulder and had very gently told him he didn’t think he was gay after Leonard had babbled something about trying to figure things out after a divorce.
“I gave up trying just before I joined Starfleet,” Leonard added. “And there never seemed to be a good time or reason to try again.”
“Would you, though? If given the opportunity?” The considering look was back in Spock’s eyes.
“Maybe,” Leonard admitted. It would be nice to have that part of his life back, even if he didn’t think he’d ever get the chance.
Spock nodded decisively. “Very well. Please send me the handouts you described. I will review them and let you know when we can begin.”
Utterly and completely shocked, Leonard’s jaw dropped. “You can’t possibly be serious!”
“You, of course, can refuse, but I’m a logical choice of partner to work through this with you.” Dark eyes intent, Spock leaned forward. “We are of equal rank, compatible in most ways and already trust one another. It would be my privilege to help you with this.”
“I… I…” In the end, it was the fact that arousal had pooled in his gut in response to Spock’s intensity that decided him. Leonard passed a hand over his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this,” he muttered.
“But you are agreeing,” Spock’s lip turned upward in a faint smile and he stood, starting towards Leonard.
Leonard scrambled to his feet. “Yes, but you’re not.” He jabbed an insistent finger towards Spock as he backed away. “Not until you read those handouts and make sure you’re actually okay with it.”
“I assure you…”
“You’ll read it over first, and that’s final.” Leonard hit the far wall of Spock’s quarters, and behind him, the door opened. He turned and fled through it before Spock could reply.
After his undignified exit, Leonard returned to his quarters and immediately sent Spock the promised handouts, before he could change his mind about the wisdom of doing so. He was committed, unless Spock chose to back out. He’d never hear the end of it if he so obviously chickened out.
His PADD chirped, and Leonard lunged for it. He couldn’t decide if he wanted Spock to say yes or no.
This is all acceptable. Please inform me which of the dates and times below align with your schedule.
Well, damn. Spock had doubled down. Studying the long list of dates, Leonard quailed slightly when he realized the first one was as soon as tomorrow. Still, he’d never been someone to put off unpleasant tasks, so he unflinchingly replied with the full list of times he was available, including that much-too-soon one.
Spock’s reply came immediately. Then we will begin tomorrow, and progress through the additional dates as needed.
Groaning, Leonard tossed his PADD on his bed. He hadn’t meant for Spock to interpret his response as needing to meet so often. Given the similarities in their schedules, there was a daunting number of dates listed. He’d only wanted to give him some options.
After a moment to stew in his regret – he should have replied with a singular suggestion – Leonard sighed and recovered his PADD.
We’ll discuss additional dates on an as-needed basis.
The reply came almost instantaneously. Tomorrow.
The meaning of that finally sank in. Tomorrow he would present himself to Spock’s quarters with the full intention of working through intimate exercises with him. What had his life come to?