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seulgi was beautiful when she slept. her mouth relaxed completely, all traces of doubt and defiance erased, curled into herself with the trust only solitude could bring. her arm stretched easily under jeyi's coaxing fingers, flat at her side instead of tucked under one armpit; her face, turned to the left, going just as pliant; all in all, it took just under two minutes to arrange her posture into something as open and honest as herself. jeyi had neglected to turn down the AC's temperature, still in the high 20s, and was rewarded for her trials; seulgi's cheeks were flushed faintly, sweat beading on her forehead small and fine like dew, and just as sweet under jeyi's tongue if she were to reach out and taste it.
seulgi would let her if she knew. she let her do a lot of things she didn't press her about, now, like thursday nights outside, and long video calls with the lawyer. college wore even her valiant seul-gi down so much she had little room for any speech but please and yes and jeyi--unni when she wasn't careful, but she usually was, and jeyi was usually kind and didn't push, liked to draw it out at the best times, when the veil between seulgi and what she wanted was thinnest, when she gasped on the brink and gave up first blood, gave up dignity, to get jeyi to give in--and other mindless promises whispered into the crook of jeyi's sleeve, by the time she collapsed into bed at one or two in the morning or, if jeyi was both lucky and impatient enough, eleven at night. seulgi had walls made for breaking. cracks in them like nerves, like ripples in a blue lake in the dead of summer when your first good report card finally, finally languished in the prize drawer beneath a pristine white desk and your sister made eye contact over breakfast fruit and even offered up half a smile at the shape of the kiwi. seulgi's smiles were so full, it didn't even matter that she didn't know to swim. jeyi had always been good at protecting things her arms were never meant to hold. if she ever wanted children, too, children and sacrifice, that might have come in useful.
her seulgi opened her mouth a fraction, now, tasting the saliva on her own tongue, then closing her lips back over it and swallowing it down like it was jeyi's, sweet, obedient even in sleep, lost to some benign vision of her carefully and painkstakingly acquired benign life in which she shone like sauce on fresh-cooked meat, like the blade of a knife against the impenetrable marble countertop. how delectable she was. jeyi moved her hand from her thigh to her throat, just resting, easy, relaxed, soft, the steady pulse thrumming through her fingers, stringed instrument. jeyi was better now, about letting her darling finish her request before she gave her what she was going to give her anyway, but sometimes she could get there before any of it even started, while she was still slowly working seulgi up and keeping her on the very edge, sucking patterns into her skin while seulgi tried her hardest to keep from twitching her way into guaranteed dissatisfaction, all jeyi's and stripped bare against her clothed lap that sent shockwaves of triumph better than any arousal, any fingers in her own cunt. sometimes, after seulgi had been sung to sleep, she looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes and pictured Father's face; if that black bottomless gaze ever set itself upon what four of her fingers looked like emerging dripping from seulgi with barely a moment to spare before spearing her again with a fluid ruthlessness, and had abruptly to stop rubbing her thighs against each other for there was no more friction to be mined. seulgi slept through storms and the news and jeyi's midnight sojourns to the rat trap of her memories and remained none the wiser.
mostly. the other day she shuddered harder than she ever had, face in jeyi's neck the way it always was unless jeyi denied her the luxury, and, without her hands--jeyi had taken to pinning them to her lap, lately, so seulgi had fewer avenues of deceptively quick muzzling, reluctant as she seemed to use her nails for their real purpose, leaving jeyi mournfully unmarked--panicked, five quick beats against jeyi's thumb on her pulse all the warning jeyi got before her beloved bit down, harmless and quick, like a particularly petulant canine on a leash.
jeyi had detached herself immediately, amused, releasing the wrists to take seulgi's red face in her hand, chin held firmly in position. she was so sweet. "what was that?"
"i--you're bad at that," seulgi blurted.
in a different setting jeyi might have asked for details; jeyi might have entertained her attempts at diversion did she not just have to crook her fingers for seulgi to break out into another breathless, heartstopping, irresistable moan, swallowed down all too soon in favor of fixing jeyi with a look that was, quite frankly, shocking in its coherent approximation of anger. it was worrying. surely seulgi could not be detached enough to dedicate her precious attention to any emotion that was not acute desperation for jeyi to pull pleasure from her again, slow and meditative and patient.
but she was. "you don't like that I did--that?" she asked, sincerely, and the best of her could hardly be resented. jeyi shook her head. "ready?" she asked, going in for a kiss. seulgi melted against her lips, the motion so practised, so familiar, that only seulgi could make it impossible to doubt.
"no," she said, when they separated, blushing furiously when she saw the string of saliva connecting their lips, but not stopping, "you--I don't know what to do for you..."
"the laundry, maybe, this week too?" jeyi said, hopefully, brightly; magnanimity looked good on her, and hence seul-gi's distraction warranted forgiveness. the bones she'd picked had all been for jeyi, every single one of them laid at her doorstep from the second seulgi knew where it was, then collected and preserved for deposition again when she didn't; the reception had been one of the best parts of reconnection, the knowledge that all she had to do was tug at the string around her heart and seulgi would come, arms full of all of herself, ready to give over, ready to stop carrying it alone. and she'd stayed waiting, needing only a tilt of je-yi's head, a half-smile of approval, doing so well with so little; only hers, only ever hers. few delights compared to putting fate in its place by testing and winning seulgi over and over and over again as the permanent inhabitant of their lives together, as part of je-yi's rib. where jeyi went, she went. down to the bedroom with flecks of the ceiling breaking off, drenching the wardrobe right under the pipe that leaked like bleeding gums. "I tried to tackle it again today, and I think I broke something."
seulgi pushed gently at her shoulders, immune to laundry, immune to the bait. "do you at least...do it yourself?"
jeyi sighed, removed her fingers with a squelch, pressed them against seulgi to stop the shaking and shivering. "my insatiable seulgi," she said. "what do you need? proof I'm as bad as you? here, see," she kissed her again, and seulgi opened up instinctively the way she always did, so trusting and submissive that by the time jeyi withdrew, the problem was nearly dropped.
she knew her seulgi too well for that, though, so while she prepared her fingers again she gave her a bone of her own: the truth. "I want it like this," she said. "with you."
"you need to let me try--" seulgi began, but her constitution, her delicate disposition, all lime-honey, did not allow for that train of thought to turn to speech, so jeyi wore her out that night well enough.
this moment she looked the picture of fucked-out almost more than then; though, with seulgi, one judged by degrees on a scale that only ever slid one way. jeyi burned her into the backs of her lids, just like this, unconscious warmth and want, hers for the taking, and pushed the rough pads of her fingers against her own heat.
it took very little. she was always taking as little as possible from herself, and as much as possible from seulgi, like with enough effort the blood running through her veins could turn to seulgi's instead, an association worthy of a second chance at life. so far, seulgi rendered failure sweet.