Work Text:
“There was a package left for you at the front desk," Alastor carried a small box into the bedroom he and Lucifer shared.
Lucifer put down his latest rubber duck creation (this one could turn invisible! Made it a pain to get the details right when he couldn’t see it), “Sweet! What’s in it?”
“It’s a sealed package addressed to you! Why would I know the contents?”
“I assumed you’d snoop,” Lucifer shrugged.
Alastor sighed and put the box on Lucifer’s work desk, “An attempt was made, but the sender put a magical lock on it. Very rude if you ask me!”
Curious who could block Alastor from spying, Lucifer checked the package's return address.
“It’s good you couldn’t open it, it’s from Mammon! You should stay back, in case it sets me on fire or something.”
“Does the Sin of Greed regularly send you bombs in the mail?”
Lucifer chuckled, “Nah, he’s just an asshole. There’s like a fifty/fifty chance this is a gift or a stupid prank.”
“Why not simply destroy the package then?” Alastor sat on their bed, a safe distance away from Lucifer’s work table.
“Mam buys really, really good gifts. He’s got a talent for knowing exactly what people want,” Lucifer conjured a pair of scissors charged with his power, “And I’m willing to roll those dice.”
Vibrating with excitement, Lucifer sliced through the packing tape and opened the box to find… Nothing. Not even a stupid sticky note saying ‘gotcha!’ which Mammon was found of plastering on his pranks.
“Lame!” Lucifer complained, “What's the point of mailing an empty package? Sending mail in Hell is such a hassle, he definitely was more annoyed by this prank than I was.”
“There’s a flashing light on your cellular device; he probably left a bragging message.”
“How’d you know a flashing light means I have a message?” Lucifer cheekily asked.
He gave Alastor a suspicious side-eye; he’s pretty sure Alastor knows more about cell phones than he’s willing to admit. His partner put a hand on his chest and gave Lucifer a sweet look, fluttering his eyelashes.
Refusing to break eye-contact, Lucifer was pleased when Alastor’s cheeks gradually reddened and one of his feet started to tap.
HA! He knew that bitch knew how to use a cell phone (Lucifer 1, Alastor 0).
Checking his phone, Lucifer swiped past the countless Ars Goetia message that blew his phone up on the daily. Looked like there was some sort of recent power change? Eh, not Lucifer’s problem.
There was a text from Mammon, but it was long and started off with an advertisement for Loo Loo Land. Lucifer wasn’t interested in reading through that to discover the point of his prank.
He instead checked the Sins group chat. When Mam messed with Lucifer, he tended to also mess with the others. They’re probably in the chat making fun of Mam for his weak-ass prank.
Bee 🐝: SHIT! 😭😭😭
Levi 💀: YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
Levi 🌸: Everyone makes mistakes… But seriously WTF?
Bell 🐑: You had to give me more work??
Satan 🔥: YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF THIS!!!
Huh, not the reaction Lucifer was expecting.
He scrolled up and was surprised they were responding to Asmodeus, not Mammon.
Ozzie 💋: I’m sorry, I was hoping I could take care of this on the DL, but things spiraled out of my control. Do y’all remember what happened about 4,000 years ago when we discovered figs cause a strange reaction in my body? Where I produce a bunch of pheromones that act as a supercharged aphrodisiac?
Lucifer paused, not really remembering what Ozzie was talking about. 4K years ago, 4K years ago… Hmm… Was that when humans entered the Bronze age? No, that was 4000 BC…
Alastor shifted on the bed and mumbled under his breath. Aw, he didn’t like Lucifer spending so much time not focused on him. Lucifer should finish reading the text asap.
Ozzie 💋: Last night, I wasn’t being careful and ate a cake with figs baked into it. And I released a mass of pheromones inside my club. The results were disastrous, a bunch of succubi and inccubi needed to be hospitalized. Fizz was quick enough to get the room vented so none of the pheromones escaped the club…
But the box I sealed the remaining pheromones in suddenly went missing. I don’t know where it is and I’m freaking out. That stuff is no joke guys, it’ll put a succubus in a horny haze for months.
A loud groan from Alastor made Lucifer drop his phone and look at him. Alastor was red-faced, ripping open his clothes, and grinding his hips down onto the mattress.
Alastor’s earlier embarrassment was apparently not due to his cell phone knowledge (Lucifer -1, Alastor 0, Mammon 1).
“FUCK!” Lucifer teleported the box to the inside of a volcano. Then he inhaled deeply to suck in any remaining pheromones polluting the air.
He rushed to Alastor and kissed his partner, trying to pull the intruding pheromones out of him.
While Lucifer wouldn’t be upset about needing to fuck his sexy deer for an extended period of time, he wasn’t about to let Alastor suffer heat symptoms for months.
After pulling everything out that wasn’t already in Alastor's bloodstream, Lucifer leaned back to look at him.
“Luc- Luc please,” Alastor panted, weakly pawing at Lucifer’s clothes, “I need- I need- Ohhh it’s hot!”
“I know Al,” Lucifer tried to gently stroke Alastor’s face, but the sinner grabbed Lucifer’s hand and shoved it down the front of his half-opened pants.
“What is- why am I- ughgh”
“The box was filled with ‘get horny right now’ gas. I tried absorbing most of it but,” Lucifer could feel the aphrodisiac hitting him too; he cupped his hand around Alastor’s pussy, “Fuck baby you’re soaked already.”
“Make it stop!”
“Uh-huh,” Lucifer grew distracted slipping a finger inside that wet heat, twirling his hand as if he were a musical conductor trying to get his orchestra to play louder.
Alastor moaned, “More! Luci- MORE!”
“I could take you to the best medical professionals in Hell, get them to fix this,” Lucifer slipped another finger inside and hoped Alastor wouldn’t choose the first option, “Or I could fuck it out of your system.”
Please please please please please!!!
Grabbing Lucifer’s shirt collar and dragging him closer, Alastor snarled, “You think I want anyone else seeing me like this? Pull your dick out!”
“YES SIR!”
All of Heaven eat their pompous, backstabbing hearts out- Lucifer could definitely follow directions quickly and correctly, given the proper motivation.
His magic made both their clothes fly off them at such a high speed, they left friction burns on Alastor’s chest and legs.
“Ugh, let me heal those-”
Alastor slapped his hands away, “Don’t waste time on that nonsense! Put something, anything, inside me now!”
The roulette wheel inside Lucifer’s mind spun between the options of: Finger, Tongue, Tail, Dick, Horn, Dildo, before landing on… TAIL!
Lucifer shimmied up the bed, positioning himself over his deer. He held down Alastor’s arms with his own and used his weight to keep his partner from moving too much.
From his back, Lucifer’s tail grew out. It twisted around Alastor’s legs, keeping Alastor from closing them (not that he would in his current condition). Then the tip of the spaded tail entered Alastor.
“Yes!” Alastor moaned.
“You like that?” Lucifer slowly moved his tail in and out, bumping it against Alastor’s clit when he pulled it out.
“Please, Luci~” Alastor cried out.
The tail picked up speed, moving inside more recklessly.
"Ahhh!"
Once Alastor’s pussy was looser, Lucifer let his tail plunge deep inside; more and more of the long tail buried itself deeply inside Alastor, forming a small bump in Alastor's belly underneath Lucifer.
Entranced by the sight of his tail pushing the boundaries of Alastor's body, Lucifer reached down and played with his clit.
Alastor screamed and came violently, clenching around the wriggling tail inside him.
“Do you feel better?” Lucifer asked, already angling his hips to slip his straining cock into Alastor.
“Not even close,” Alastor panted, “Ask me again in a few dozen rounds.”
They went at it like animals a countless number of times. If Lucifer’s dick left Alastor’s pussy for even a second, they’d both start whining and reaching for the other.
When Alastor complained about their combined smell, Lucifer lifted his lover into his arms and carried him to the bathroom to take a shower. Then he used magic to teleport their soiled bed somewhere else in Hell and replace it with a brand new one.
Lucifer tried summoning a clone to take care of them, but his clone was unfortunately also impacted by the pheromones. Which lead to a round of sex with Alastor spit roasted between Lucifer and his clone. Two horny Lucifers were too much for Alastor to handle (despite his denials), so Lucifer had to send his clone away.
Neither knew how long they were sojourned in their bedroom; they could only focus on chasing pleasure with their lover.
They collapsed in a heap after their last, vigorous round of sex (where they used Lucifer’s wings and Alastor’s tentacles to fuck upside down; after this many rounds in a row, they were trying to get creative).
“Feed me,” Alastor demanded from his spot lying on his back with Lucifer spread out on top of him.
“Sure, we can try 69-ing,” Lucifer mumbled through a face full of glorious chest fluff.
“Actual food,” Alastor sighed, “… Then we can 69.”
Lucifer waved his hand and a half eaten plate of spaghetti haphazardly landed on the bedside table.
“Ta-da,” Lucifer limply said. He was too tired to conjure food, so he took whatever was available nearby. His lover was a cannibal, he wouldn’t be too picky what he ate.
Indeed he wasn’t. Alastor extended his neck to reach the bedside table, widened his mouth, and threw the spaghetti, plate and all, straight down his gullet, swallowing it whole.
Alastor’s neck snapped back in place and he let out a tiny, demure burp, “Excuse me.”
“You’re so sexy,” Lucifer’s eyes flashed red, “I want to see how far that neck of yours can stretch.”
“By all means,” Alastor purred, “I’m ready for dessert.”
As Lucifer was building up the will-power to remove his dick from Alastor’s pussy to swing it up to Alastor’s mouth, he was startled by a loud pounding on the bedroom door.
“Dad? Are you in there?”
Someone was calling him dad. Huh, Lucifer forgot people outside Alastor existed. Hmm, going through the rolodex in his mind, who would call him dad?
Oh! Charlie! Nice, mystery solved!
“Dad? I know you value your privacy, but it’s important!”
Oh, OH! CHARLIE!!!
“Daughter, daughter!” Lucifer harshly whispered to Alastor.
The deer simply tilted his head in response.
Hating that he couldn’t currently enjoy how cute Alastor’s ears looked when they flopped over, Lucifer shouted, “HEY! Hey Char-Char!! Umm, yup, I’m here!”
“Great! I wasn’t sure. No one has seen you or Alastor in a week! Can we talk?”
“We’re talking right now!”
“Um, face to face?”
“… No.”
After a few awkward seconds of silence, Charlie spoke up, “Okay, that’s fine. I actually need to speak to Alastor. Do you know where he is?”
“No?” Lucifer looked at Alastor, who was glaring at him, “Uh, I mean yes?”
“Do you know if he’s still planning to attend the meeting with the Vees? It’s happening later today and I’d really appreciate his support!”
Lucifer and Alastor exchanged concerned looks.
“Oh, uh, sweetie, I’m not sure if- why don’t I go with you instead!? Be a fun, daddy daughter bonding experience to thrash some overlords together!” Though Lucifer was also under the effects of the aphrodisiac, it didn’t hit his system as hard as it did Alastor’s. Of the two of them, Lucifer was more likely to be able to focus during a meeting.
“You already told me you couldn’t, remember? You have a meeting with the Sins around the same time?”
Lucifer closed his eyes, flopped his head back down onto Alastor’s chest, and groaned. Satan would kill him if he didn’t show up to this one.
Alastor nudged Lucifer and whispered, “Tell her I’ll be there for the meeting.”
“But-”
“Just say it.”
Raising an eyebrow, Lucifer lifted his head and called out, “I remember now, Alastor did tell me he’ll join that meeting.”
“Great! Please let him know to meet me in the lobby an hour beforehand, so we can strategize!” Charlie took a few steps away, before turning back to the door, “By the way, some guests complained about food disappearing from the kitchen. Do you know anything about that?”
“… OK! Bye Char-Char!”
“Uh, alright,” Charlie’s voice faded as she left, “Thanks Dad!”
Lucifer waited until Charlie was farther away before saying, “You’re crazy if you think you can make it to that meeting.”
“I refuse to let Charlie face the Vees alone, she’s not savvy enough to handle Vox without me there.”
“Your horned up mind isn’t gonna help! What’s your plan, hump Vox to distract him long enough for Charlie to finish her sales pitch?” Lucifer’s voice demonically deepened, “I don’t like that idea!”
“Calm yourself before you spit fire onto my chest,” Alastor chastised, “I was suggesting nothing of the sort! I'm thinking we can make use of your magic to solve this issue.”
“What, send a clone of me disguised as you? The clone’s attention will be split from my meeting with the Sins and the effects of the aphrodisiac.”
“I was actually thinking we make use of your portals.”
“Portals? For you to take a break from the meeting to get a dicking down? How frequently can people leave meetings before it’s seen as weird?”
Alastor rolled his eyes, “I can’t believe I need to spell this out to you. We both have meetings to attend and we can’t stop fucking each other for more than a few moments. Would it be possible for you to make portals that kept your dick inside me while we’re in our meetings?”
“You, you want to go to a meeting with my dick in you?”
“If it’s something you’re capable of,” Alastor smirked.
“I can twist the fabric of the universe, of course I can do that!” Lucifer hummed, “Alright, but the thing is, not to brag-”
“You’re going to anyways.”
“NOT to brag, but I’m good at nabbing your attention when we’re in bed together. Will you be able to focus during the meeting?”
“Lucifer, I’m a consummate professional!” Alastor put a hand to his chest with a flourish that knocked Lucifer’s head out of his way, “I’m plenty experienced keeping my voice level and tone smooth during my radio broadcasts!”
“Did you ever broadcast with a dick inside you?”
“No, but I have done one while suffering a gunshot wound. That’s not too different, both involve a foreign object painfully inserted in me!” Alastor chuckled.
Lucifer didn’t think those sounded too similar, but he couldn’t muster the energy to argue against keeping his dick inside Alastor.
Alastor instantly regretted his choice. Moving was difficult, he could feel Lucifer’s cock shifting and occasionaly plunging deeper inside him at certain angles.
The process of standing up and putting on clothes forced him to take several breaks and breathe deeply.
Lucifer annoyingly tried to coddle him, “You don’t have to-”
“Charlie wants to advertise on the picture box and I’m going to make that happen for her!”
He refused to back down. If he canceled the meeting, Vox would take it as a sign of weakness and he’d never hear the end of it.
Lucifer was kind enough to teleport Alastor to the lobby to meet with Charlie.
They discussed how to handle the meeting. It was hard to dismiss her more extreme ‘kill them with kindness’ ideas when Alastor felt like he was a hair away from falling to the floor and presenting like a dog in heat.
Did not help that Lucifer hovered behind him the entire time he talked to Charlie; really showing a lot of faith in his partner there. Alastor would have been offended if he wasn’t desperately clinging to his wobbling cane to hold himself upright.
When it was time to leave, Lucifer offered to portal them directly in front of the Vee Tower.
“We could have more time to plan if we walk-”
Cutting Charlie off, Alastor exclaimed, “Lucifer, capital idea! Wouldn’t want to be late! Charlie, punctuality is a marker of excitement, is it not?”
“Oh, yes, you’re right!” Charlie nodded and straightened her posture, presenting herself as the strong woman Alastor knew she could be, “Vox is a businessman! If we get there early, it shows we respect his time!”
“Only thing about him one can respect,” Alastor joked.
“Good luck,” Lucifer wished them both, giving Charlie a doting look and giving Alastor a searching, concerned one.
Ugh, that man! He only had himself to blame, Alastor wouldn’t be struggling as much if Lucifer had a smaller dick.
Unlike to his typical fashionably late appearances, Asmodeus was incredbily late to the Sin’s meeting. He did that on purpose, wanting to be the last Sin in the room. Since he recently fucked up, getting there early meant he’d hear a bunch of shit from the other Sins as they waited for the late-comers (Lucifer and Bell).
If this meeting wasn’t extremely important, he’d have skipped it entirely. Unfortunately, the meeting was about inter-ring contracts and required the presence of all seven Sins.
Inter-ring deals and trades were complicated and could easily throw off the balance between rings if the Sins weren’t careful. Which they usually weren’t. During inter-ring meetings, every Sin tried to screw the others over; then a few decades later they’d be forced to hold another meeting once everyone realized the damage their machinations caused.
They tried holding this meeting in the past excluding any parties that didn’t reliably attend meetings (Lucifer) but unfortunately, Hell wouldn’t allow them to enact agreements made without him. Apparently if Lucifer wasn’t in the room when inter-ring contracts were discussed, anything official they put into writing instantly vanished.
Satan leveled the building when they first found that out; since that meeting, they always met at Satan’s castle so he’d be the one dealing with any damage caused by his rage fits.
Speaking of Satan, he’d been having a weird, one-sided power struggle with Lucifer for the past couple of centuries. For some reason, that meant he refused to shrink down to his smaller size. He looked absolutely ridiculous sitting at the meeting table holding tiny pieces of paper while the rest of the Sins shrunk down to properly sit at the table (which Lucifer conjured to be the perfect size for himself).
Arriving last, Ozzie squeezed past the ginormous form of Satan which took up most of the room. Ozzie sat in the only available seat. It was, unfortunately, next to Mammon.
“So, figs, huh?” Mammon immediately asked.
“I don’t want to hear it.”
“Just seems funny, you avoided them for so long.”
Asmodeus adjusted his chair’s height to have an excuse to look away from Mammon. He’d actually eaten figs plenty of times in the past thousands of years (he really liked their taste). This was the only time he wasn’t able to sweep the effects under the proverbial rug.
Mammon smiled widely, “Real bad luck the aphrodisiac went missing. Wonder what poor sap got dosed with it?”
“Do you know?” Ozzie was suddenly suspicious the fig cake wasn’t accidental, “If I find out you sold it in some bullshit auction, I’m going to have your throat!”
“Relax! I would never sell something that unobtainable for profit. Bad business to sell something you can’t hook future buyers on!” Mammon held his arms up innocently, “But maybe one of the other Sins has an idea where it ended up?”
Glancing around the table, everyone appeared normal. Satan was pretending his giant size wasn’t impeding his preparations for the meeting, Leviathan was actually prepared, both her heads had shark-like expressions, Belphegor was snoozing, Beelzebub was making fancy cocktails for everyone, and Lucifer was sitting at the head of the table, looking frustrated.
However, now that his nose adapted to Satan’s overwhelming brimstone scent, Ozzie could smell pheromones wafting in the air.
He looked to Mammon who was staring at Lucifer with mischievous glee.
Turning to the displeased King, Ozzie asked, "Luci, were you-"
"Yup," Lucifer snarled, glaring at Mammon, "Someone thought it'd be grand to send me a little gift."
Mammon burst out laughing, "It's still affecting you? That's class man. I thought it'd get out of your system in like an hour!! Oh man, I really overestimated your great angelic recovery speed."
"Wait," Bee said, "What's affecting Lulu?”
“Ozz- Ozzie's little whoospie!” Mammon guffawed.
Bee couldn't help but bark out a laugh.
One of Levi’s heads giggled while the other made a noise of disgust.
Bell was startled awake by Mammon's laughter; she looked around for the source of his amusement.
Satan remained stone-faced, petulantly waiting for the meeting to start.
For his part, Ozzie was relieved his mistake only impacted Lucifer. While awkward and uncomfortable for the angel, Lucifer wouldn't need months of hospitalization to recover like a sinner or hellborn would.
“Can we move on?” Satan huffed.
“No, oh no we're not moving on! This is the first time any of my pranks had a lasting impact on Lucifer!” Mammon giggled madly.
“Yeah yeah, laugh it up fucker,” Lucifer’s eyes turned red, “Real hilarious how your stupid prank had collateral damage on my partner!”
“That's on you mate, you should know not to open my gifts in the same room as someone susceptible to toxins.”
Ozzie slapped his hand over Mammon's mouth and focused on Lucifer, “Your partner got affected by it? Luci, this is serious! You should have brought him to me or Bell, probably both of us honestly!”
“I'm working on it,” Lucifer growled.
“He needs medical assistance!” Ozzie’s insistence grabbed Bell's attention.
She pulled out a notepad and pencil. Posed to write, she asked, “What was the sinner inflicted with? What symptoms is he displaying?”
“I said I'm working on it!”
“You don't know sinner biology that well. Tell me what happened and I'll know how to treat it-”
“I know what he needs!” Lucifer interrupted her, “And I'm taking care of it right now!”
“How could you possibly…” Ozzie trailed off. He looked at Lucifer closely, noting the small sweat beads forming on his forehead, his exaggerated man-spreading in the chair, and the slight shifting of his hips.
“Oz, what’s wrong? Why’d you cut yourself off?” Bee asked.
There was no way to word this delicately.
“Luci, are you straight up having sex right now?”
Lucifer’s returning smug grin was answer enough.
There was something up with the old fossil.
Velvette clocked it immediately when he walked into the tower. His posture was stiff, too stiff even for his uptight ass.
She had run thousands of fashion shows and micromanaged every aspect of her models enough to know when someone's walk was off.
Alastor usually had perfect posture, but there was also a bouncing energy to his movements that he lacked today. As he moved through the room and settled into a chair, there was no extra flourishes or dramatics. He also didn't pull a chair out for Charlie like he always did for Rosie.
Could the big, bad Radio Demon be nervous? Was he worried Lucifer’s brat was gonna fuck something up?
Velvette wished Vox would notice the deer's unease and use it to rip his throat out. However, Vox was too absorbed hurling insults at Alastor, who easily batted them away and lobbed better ones back.
She should have known Vox would be completely useless during this meeting. Valentino was also no help, texting on his phone (which Velvette wanted to be doing too, but she knew there was a time and place).
Looks like Velvette needed to be the backbone of the Vees. As always.
Interrupting whatever nonsense the Princess was yammering about, Velvette said, “You're not looking too hot there Allie. Is Charlie's hotel running you ragged?”
“Of course not! Every day working there brings a new joy.”
Despite the clear mockery in his tone, the princess practically glowed towards Alastor. Esh, Velvette could see why he chose her as a mark- she was clearly starved for approval.
“It’s a big hotel, doesn’t look well designed either,” Velvette snarked, pleased to see Charlie’s glow instantly diminish, “You sure you’re not being overworked keeping that place from crumbling?”
“I can assure you, I get plenty more breaks than your VoxTek employees.”
“Hey!” Vox slammed his hands on the table separating the Vees from the Hazbins, “Sinners bang on our doors every day begging to be VoxTek employees! And they never complain about our break policy! Most sinners know a good deal when they see it!”
“A good deal is what we’re here for!” Charlie responded before Alastor could throw another quip to get Vox started on another tirade. Velvette had to give her props for not letting those two geezers overtake the entire conversation.
“Oh right,” Vox made a face as if he forgot the princess was there, “What was it you wanted, something that forced people to visit your hotel?”
“No! A commercial!” Charlie squawked, “A commercial on TV!”
“During prime viewing hours,” Alastor added.
“If you don’t want the ad punted to dead air, not gonna come cheap,” Vox focused his attention back on Alastor.
“I’ve got a question,” Val spoke for the first time the entire meeting, “Why doesn’t your Sugar Daddy just take care of everything for you?”
Both Charlie and Alastor made a disgusted face at Val’s phrasing. If those two didn’t have the same expression, Velvette might have missed the small jerk Alastor made as well.
Having a hunch, Velvette asked, “Lucifer not taking care of your needs, Allie?”
Alastor’s eyes narrowed, “I assure you, Lucifer treats me very well.”
Velvette’s probing was interrupted by Vox, “You still kicking around the whole love thing with Lucifer? I know it’s a pretty new concept for you.”
“I’m deliriously happy! Why, no other man has made me feel a fraction of what Lucifer has!”
Charlie’s eyes softened and she looked at Alastor with an adoring expression. Velvette ignored her, focusing on Alastor’s face instead. Despite his sweet words, Alastor looked tense.
“REALLY? No other man?? You, uh, you sure about that?”
Velvette sighed. Why would Vox play himself like that?
Alastor burst into wild laughter. The longer Alastor cackled, the more Vox’s shoulders slumped.
Waiting until he finally stopped laughing, Velvette asked, “If things are so good, when’s the wedding?”
“Wedd-” Alastor blushed.
Next to him, Charlie’s eyes had sparkles shooting out of them.
“I design Hell’s best wedding attire, nothing your soon-to be can’t afford!”
“We’re not to that phase in our relationship,” Alastor shifted his eyes away from her.
“What stage are you on?” Velvette leaned forward.
“That,” Alastor mirrored her, leaning forward, “Is none of your business.”
His wince didn’t escape her notice. There was definitely something going on between him and Lucifer. Did Hell’s lamest power couple breakup? That would be a huge scoop if so, especially since Princess Rainbows probably didn’t know.
“Where is your boy-toy then?”
“Do not refer to my partner with such derogatory language,” Alastor growled.
“Sorry, you’d be the boy-toy in this relationship, am I right?”
Alastor’s eyes turned into dials and his antlers elongated; he was close to doing or saying something stupid (Velvette had been online enough to see the warning signs for a juicy blowup).
Charlie attempted to mediate, “My dad loves Alastor very much, they’re super cute together in the hotel!”
Her words did little to calm down the Radio Demon.
Velvette challenged, “I can’t imagine those old farts doing PDA. Do they even act like a couple-”
She jumped when Vox slammed his hands on the table again, splitting it in two; both halves of the table crashed to the ground.
“Vel, stop asking about fucking Lucifer,” Vox’s voice became more modulated, “I don’t want to talk about Lucifer anymore!”
Velvette glared at him and slouched down in her seat. If he wants to fuck this up and get nothing useful, then by all means! Velvette didn’t care what happens with that stupid hotel unlike the other two Vees. Not like that waste of space will ever be influential in Hell.
“Oh, I’m pleased as punch to sing praises about my darling!” Alastor calmed down instantly at the sight of Vox’s freak out. Though he pivoted when Charlie coughed under her breath, “But we’re here to talk about Charlie’s project! Dear, the floor is yours!”
“Thanks Al,” Charlie flashed him a strained smile. She rooted through the table debris for her flashcards, “Now, as I was saying about the hotel’s amenities!”
Velvette rolled her eyes and pulled her phone out. With Vox there, she’d never be able to upset Alastor enough to get anything interesting.
It had taken 20 years, hundreds of phone calls, thousands of hellborn messengers, a gallon of coffee practically injected into Belphegor through an IV, numerous bribes, and a marriage arrangement to schedule this meeting.
Of course Lucifer had to ruin it.
The Sins all had big personalities, packed schedules, and egos almost as large as their progenitor. To get everyone together for a simple trial of some hellborn no one cared about, that was simple; Satan could just scream the others into showing up.
But none of the Sins wanted to attend a meeting where they debated inter-ring contracts, despite the importance of those agreements. Satan also didn't want to be here, but as the only adult in the room, he knew you sometimes had to do things you didn't want to.
Such as ignoring the fact Lucifer was getting his dick wet.
“Let's start with Sloth,” Satan brought out a stack of paperwork. He wanted to get Belphegor’s input before the coffee wore off.
“Hold on, hold on!” Mammon interrupted, “Are we seriously gonna act like Lucifer’s not getting his freak on right now?”
“That is exactly what we're going to do. Now, Sloth's pharmaceuticals-”
“Nah, for once, I agree with Mammy,” Beelzebub stuck her multi-colored tongue out, “This is seriously gross.”
“I don’t know how you expect me to focus on this when I know Lucifer’s partner needs help,” Belphegor flicked away the papers Satan slid towards her.
“FUCK THAT!” Mammon screamed, “His partner is fine, we’re the ones in a shit situation! I’m not hanging around while Lucifer gets his rocks off!”
He got up to leave but Satan used his massive form to block the exit.
“Sit your ass back down!” Satan thundered.
“Oh-ho, we usually let you act bigger than your britches cause you get real annoying if we don’t,” Mammon grew in size, “But you’re deluding yourself if you think you can keep me here!”
Beelzebub flew between them, saving Mammon from an ass-beating. She held her arms out, “Calm down, let’s just reschedule!”
“Do you know how long it took to schedule THIS MEETING?”
“Chill, you won’t have to handle the next one Satan! I’ll do it! How does next Saturday work for everyone?”
“I’m free!” One of Levi’s heads replied while the other added, “But fuck you for scheduling a work meeting on a Saturday.”
“Alright! That’s a soft yes from Lev, how’s everyone else looking?” Bee asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Lucifer interjected, “We’re all here, we’re finishing this meeting now.”
Ozzie gave him a confused look, “Don’t you want to be with your partner? He probably needs-”
“I’m giving him what he needs right now,” Lucifer exaggeratedly rolled his hips, “Everyone sit down.”
“Nah, I refuse!” Mammon yelled, “I’m not sitting here while you’re sticking your dick up one of your portals!”
“Then you shouldn’t have drugged my partner with the strongest aphrodisiac in Hell!” Lucifer pointed at Mammon, “Now sit down.”
“FUCK YOU!”
Lucifer lifted his arm up and Mammon went flying into the air. Then Lucifer pointed at Mammon’s chair and the Sin of Greed zipped across the room, slamming into the chair.
“Lulu,” Beelzebub said tentatively, “We can reschedule.”
She let out a ‘meep’ sound when he pointed at her next; she quickly flew to her chair before Lucifer started throwing her around.
Lucifer snapped his fingers and a wall of fire surrounded the room, completely blocking off the exit.
For once, Satan approved of his methods.
“As I was saying, Sloth-”
“Lucifer, don’t you want to be with your partner?” Belphegor rudely interrupted, “I know you found an, um, alternative treatment method, but won’t that be more effective in person?”
“Alastor’s also in a stupid meeting,” Lucifer performed jazz hands, “Yippee!! Since I can’t be with him anyways, might as well get this bullshit taken care of so I don’t have to see any of your faces for a while.”
“Sorry to impose on your important schedule,” Satan snarled, “I know you don’t actually care about any of this.”
“I sometimes care!” Lucifer protested.
“Why don’t you work on a rubber duck in the corner while we get the actual work done?”
Pouting, Lucifer crossed his arms and sunk further into his chair. The King of Hell was such a disappointing creature, sulking like a child.
Shoving the documents in front of Belphegor, again, Satan started, again, “We’re talking about the Sloth pharmaceuticals trade first,” He stopped to look around the table for anymore dissension. When none presented itself, he continued, “The amount of narcotics going to Gluttony is outrageous-”
PLAP
Satan glanced at the table. All the Sins looked varying degrees of bored to disturbed. Refusing to acknowledge that sound, he carried on, “Asmodeus also reported a concerning amount of rohypnol ending up in Lust.”
PLAP
“This a very serious manner! How can I create a safe place for people to get their freak on when there are actual freaks drugging people?” Asmodeus glared at Belphegor, “Why are you even making roofies in your ring?”
PLAP
Belphegor’s ear twitched, but she chose to ignore the noise, “It’s used to treat extreme insomnia.”
“Like your people need help with that,” Asmodeus rolled his eyes.
“As a matter of fact-”
PLAP PLAP PLAP
“Fuckin’ A Lu!” Mammon shouted, “I will literally pay you to stop!!”
Satan closed his eyes; he knew what that little brat was doing. He wanted to piss Satan off, but Satan wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Satan had multiple anger management therapists train him for moments like these.
He counted down from ten in his head.
Ten PLAP Nine PLAP Eight PLAP Seven PLAP Six PLAP Five PLAP four PLAP
“WILL YOU STOP!?” Satan shouted at Lucifer.
“Why? Since I’m not contributing to the ‘actual work,’ no harm in me wasting time doing this,” Lucifer, still slouched in the chair, thrust his hips up. A loud, wet noise filled the room.
Mammon whined and covered his ears with his four hands. Asmodeus pinched his forehead and muttered under his breath. One of the Leviathan heads smiled nervously while the other scowled at Lucifer. Belphegor looked close to falling asleep (was there a drug opposite to rohypnol she could use?).
“… I really want to leave,” Beelzebub complained.
“THEN AGREE TO BUY LESS DRUGS!” Satan exploded. He threw a stack of documents into each Sin’s face, “The faster we settle this shit, the faster we can leave!”
Alastor was playing games, he was always playing games. Vox knew this, he prepared for it, but he still found himself instantly facing checkmate anytime Alastor was near.
He knew the second Alastor walked into Vee Tower with a flushed face and ‘come hither’ eyes, he was fucked. And not in the way ‘come hither’ eyes usually implied!
Things weren’t helped when Velvette kept bringing up Lucifer- Alastor’s pathetic little lover who was inferior to Vox in every way (except he was The King of Hell with a lot more power, influence, and money. Also Lucifer could fly and wield angelic magic and had powers of creation... But Vox probably had a bigger dick than that little shrimp!).
Vox lost his cool a little breaking the meeting room table. Eh, wasn’t like anyone was using it for anything important besides the Morningstar brat putting her useless crayon drawings on it.
Now that Velvette finally stopped interfering, it was Vox vs. Alastor. One on one. Just like the good old days!
Ignoring whatever Princess Chuck was rambling about, Vox stared at Alastor.
That old timey prick was looking back at him with a smile Vox knew meant ‘I know something you don’t.’
What was Alastor’s angle? What could he possibly gain by helping Charlie Morningstar get a good commercial aired? He was already manipulating her dad, there was nothing the princess could provide that the king couldn’t give Alastor.
Vox was still trying to figure out why Alastor entered a relationship with Lucifer in the first place- what boon was he going to trick out of the devil? Alastor must have an escape plan, he’s too flighty to stay tied down in a partnership.
Mhm, Alastor tied down~
Maybe Vox will get a chance to swoop in after Alastor screws over the king. Offer the vast resources of VoxTek to protect Alastor from his vengeful ex, for a cost of course. A few decades spent tied to Vox’s bed sounds fair.
Alastor jolted in his chair, suddenly looking frazzled. For an absurd second, Vox wondered if Alastor could hear his thoughts.
No, Alastor was pulling some sort of trick; Vox needed to figure out what it was.
On the outside, Vox’s smiling face was nodding at appropriate times in the middle of Charlie’s ramblings.
On the inside, Vox’s attention was completely focused on Alastor. He zoomed in and analyzed the slight reddening to Alastor’s cheeks. What the fuck??
“Not used to the centralized heating of a well maintained building?” Vox interrupted, “Looking a bit red there, old pal.”
“But we have the air conditioning on?” Val asked.
Val's dumb question gave a flustered Alastor time to compose himself, “I’m not used to being in a room with so many fumes.” Alastor waved away Val’s smoke.
“Me and you could always adjourn for a private meeting, just the two of us,” Vox leaned forward to grab Alastor’s attention away from Val; how dare he look away from Vox.
Alastor narrowed his eyes, “I couldn’t be less interested-” His eyes suddenly crossed and he let out a breathy ‘huh’ noise.
“… What was that?” Vox was genuinely perplexed, what angle was Alastor trying now?
“Charlie dear, why don’t you continue?” That prick said, ignoring Vox.
“Um, right! I think the commercial we need should be 30 seconds, unless that isn’t enough time to show all the great things the hotel has to offer!”
“I’m pretty sure that’s 30 more than you need to show anything interesting,” Velvette snarked.
The Princess’ lip wobbled, “Were- were you not listening to all the amazing things I just outlined?”
“We have different definitions of ‘amazing.’”
Whatever whiny thing Charlie was about to say was interrupted by a loud blurb of static.
Alastor jumped in his chair; if the table was still there, he would have banged his knees underneath it.
Charlie and Vox stared at him as Alastor coughed under his breath and adjusted his position in the chair (neither Val or Vel cared to look up from their phones).
“Al, are you OK?” Charlie asked.
Another loud static spike.
Alastor gave her a strained smile, “Never better! There’s an issue with one of my souls, they’re blowing up my channels about it!”
Charlie nodded, easily accepting that explanation.
Vox wasn’t fooled. He couldn’t sense Alastor using any of his powers, not even over the airwaves.
That’s something the Princess, with her nonexistent magical talent, wouldn’t be able to figure out. It was also something that Val and Vel weren’t paying enough attention to notice.
No, whatever stunt Alastor was pulling was a message for Vox and Vox alone.
Vox just had to figure out what Alastor was doing.
As Charlie continued talking, with a more strained voice, she was occasionally interrupted with a random burst of static from Alastor. There was also an occasional deer bleat or musical accompaniment thrown in. Alastor even played a few seconds of Big Mama Thornton’s ‘You Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog.’
There was no rhyme or reason to when Alastor made these sounds. Vox had a spreadsheet pulled up in his head tracking the instances but he wasn’t able to find a correlation.
He zoomed his view out of Alastor’s face (he was biting his lip hard enough to bleed) and observed his full body. The next time Alastor made a strange noise, Vox noticed his legs jerk.
Vox’s earlier outburst that destroyed the table gave him an unobstructed view of Alastor’s lower half. Usually Alastor sat primly with his legs crossed but currently he had his legs spread out, both feet firmly planted on the ground. Whenever he let out static, his legs spasmed.
Starting at his feet, Vox’s eyes slowly moved up Alastor’s body, stopping at his crotch. Something was off. There appeared to be liquid? Liquid seeping through Alastor’s pants?
This time Charlie wasn’t interrupted by a noise from Alastor, but one from Vox.
A blue error screen flashed on Vox’s face as his entire body jolted and crumbled to the ground, landing on top of the table he broke.
The other Sins were hilariously bad at multitasking.
One little hitch in the meeting became the focus of all their attention.
Satan was desperately trying to keep the meeting on rails but even he was distracted screaming at Lucifer when the little shit made his sex noises more obvious.
Ozzie kept interrogating Lucifer about the health of his partner and what sexual activities he was doing to fix the situation.
Bell alternated between helping Ozzie write out a list of needed electrolytes for sinners and taking a nap (not much of a change from her usual attention span).
Bee was oscillating between pretend throwing up cotton candy and needling Lucifer for “deets about his latest beau.”
Mam wouldn't shut up about how disgusting Lucifer was and how he was ‘acting like a perv.’ Easily the most upset by Lucifer’s actions, Mam let a bunch of contracts slip by that were unfavorable towards Greed. Levi thought this was the first time she'd ever seen that happen.
As for her, Leviathan was flourishing in this chaotic environment. She's used to splitting her attention literally in two, so she was able to efficiently work on the contracts while the others were distracted.
Of all the Sins, Levi was easily the best at negotiations. She had to be, her entire existence was a negotiation between her two halves.
The first couple of centuries of her creation were difficult. She was always at odds with herself, fighting her dual nature rather than embracing it. Things only improved once she accepted she was one being filled with contradictions rather than two separate beings.
Her two sides frequently disagreed but they knew how to work together. They’d argue about minute, unimportant details. But when it came to Levi’s survival and well-being, they were always on the same page.
For example, she needed food to live, both sides of her knew this. They could bicker endlessly about what she ate, but at the end of the day, they agreed she needed to eat something.
Right now, they both agreed she desperately needed some aspirin.
“Lu, stop fuckin’ butting in!” Mammon snarled, “This here’s a deal between Greed and Envy! I’m not agreeing to fold Pride into it!”
“Hmm,” Lucifer turned his attention from Mammon, “Hey Bee!”
She perked up, pausing her argument with Satan about limiting the amount of food shipped to Gluttony, “Yeah?”
“Have you ever made macaroni and cheese?”
Bee seemed legitimately offended by that question, “Have I? Have I?? Lulu, you know I’ve made every food to ever exist like, a million times right?”
Lucifer smirked, “Then you know what good pussy sounds like?”
He then thrust his hips up and down rapidly, filling the room with wet slopping noises.
“NO!!” Bee screamed, her gelatinous hair melting to cover her face, “DON’T RUIN MAC AND CHEESE FOR ME!!!”
Leviathan sighed. What she wouldn’t give for her pussy to sound like that. For an aquatic based creature, she was disappointingly rarely wet down there.
She cut her eyes towards Mammon. He’d been hinting-
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I WILL KILL BOTH OF US!!!
But he’d be the only man who could keep up with her!
EXACTLY!!! MAN!!! I DON’T WANT TO FUCK A MAN!!!
Dating would be a lot easier if both sides of her were bisexual, rather than one side being straight and the other a lesbian.
BESIDES, MAMMON DOESN’T WANT TO FUCK. WEIRDO WANTS TO DATE US!
She wrinkled both her noses. Neither of them wanted that.
More noises echoed from Lucifer’s slorping.
I want someone to treat my pussy like that!
I AGREE. BUT I DON’T WANT A DICK INSIDE OF US!
Hmm, what about a woman with a strap-on?
YES!!! I WANT HER TO DEGRADE US THE ENTIRE TIME TOO!
Okay, but only if she stays behind us and has a naturally deep voice.
DEAL!
“Levi, does that sound fair?” Lucifer asked.
“Uh, yes!” Leviathan hastily agreed, embarrassed she of all Sins was distracted.
“Great, that wraps up negotiations between Pride and Envy then,” Lucifer waved away a handful of documents.
THAT BITCH!!!
That bitch!!!
Levi narrowed all four of her eyes. She was going to make Lucifer pay for whatever concessions he just slipped past her.
This meeting was soooooo boring. Valentino didn't know why they were even wasting their time talking about the pointless hotel.
That damn hotel, keeping angelito away from Valentino. He swore Angel Dust started getting mouthier since living there too.
Hopefully another angel like Adam will come wipe the hotel out of existence again.
Though, that didn’t do anything the first time. Must be nice having a sugar daddy come running to fix anything Charlie breaks. Valentino would be so lucky, but he had to actually work hard to get his problems solved (by sucking Vox’s dick to get him to solve them).
Valentino didn’t understand what Angel Dust saw in the Princesa or her stupid pet project. She wasn’t an inspiring leader, she couldn’t keep any of the Vees’ attention the entire meeting and her little underling was constantly interrupting her speech.
At least a meeting with Alastor was never boring, always guaranteed a crash out from Vox. Valentino laughed when Vox overheated and flopped to the ground. It was fun to see the ever professional, always composed overlord lose his shit.
“Oh! Um,” Charlie looked down at Vox, “Is, is he alright?”
“He’s fine,” Valentino lightly nudged Vox with his foot, “But this does mean the meeting is over.”
“What about my commercial?” Charlie asked, politely moving her feet away from Vox’s unmoving form so she didn’t accidentally kick him.
“We’re owed that much for this wasted time,” Alastor didn’t share her reservations. He swung one of his legs up to cross over the other, kicking Vox in the process.
“Whatever, I don’t care as long as it’s not interrupting one of my movies,” Valentino waved at Vox’s assistant, “Set it up with him.”
Vel didn’t wait until the assistant shuffled over; she popped out of her chair and left, trampling over Vox on her way out.
Valentino wanted to follow her, but he stayed behind and smoked. He knew Vox would be pissed if he left his unconscious body with Alastor unsupervised; even though Alastor wouldn’t do anything interesting with Vox’s body while Charlie’s judgy eyes were in the room.
As Charlie and Vox’s assistant discussed details, Alastor’s already tense form tightened. His eyes turned into radio dials and he practically convulsed out of his chair.
“Alastor!” Charlie gasped.
“Are you done?” Alastor’s voice glitched out.
“Are you?” Valentino teased.
Ignoring him, Charlie said, “Yes, we can go!”
“Wonderful,” Alastor grabbed Charlie’s arm and pulled them both into the shadows without offering a goodbye.
Now that those two were gone, Valentino snapped at a random employee to carry Vox to the penthouse.
Valentino and Velvette hung out in the living room as they waited for Vox to boot up.
Once he was back online, Vox went on a weird rant about The Radio Demon’s ‘genius distraction techniques.’ Velvette absentmindedly chimed in; she was more focused on catching up on her phone on anything she missed during that too long meeting.
Valentino was surprised neither mentioned Alastor obviously had a vibrating dildo shoved up himself. Which impressed Val, he didn't think the old prude had it in him!
Maybe his Sugar Daddy forced it on him? Either as a punishment or to keep him focused on the meeting; Vox might even be onto something when he claimed it was a distraction tactic. That'd make a good plot for a porno!
Val got to work typing on his v-pad ideas for a new movie, deciding not to mention this to Vox. The man was already obsessed with The Radio Demon, he didn't need more fuel to that fire.
The Sins' meeting mercifully wrapped up. Thank Himself, Mammon could finally go home. It was times like these he was glad he installed a giant money pit in his bedroom; he’d need to soak in all that green for a few hours to wash the disgust of today off.
Lucifer dropped the wall of fire around the meeting room and let everyone walk out.
“Awful meeting Lu!” Mammon groaned, “You’re not getting another gift from me for at least a century!”
“Oh no, how will I ever manage?” Lucifer dryly replied.
“Maybe next time, make sure your partner is made of sturdier stuff!”
Before Lucifer could respond, an imp sprinted towards them.
“Lord Satan! Lord Satan!” The imp hollered, “We were doing the weekly inventory of angelic weapons and there appears to be a break-in!”
“WHAT?” Satan screamed, “What’s missing?”
“Um, actually everything is accounted for.”
“Then why did you say there was a break-in?”
“Even though the armory was previously locked, we found a bed in the middle of it!” The imp held up a duck shaped pillow, “The bedding doesn’t match anything in the castle, the bed must have come from outside.”
Lucifer started madly laughing.
“Did you do this?” Satan asked in a dangerously low voice.
“Not on purpose!” Lucifer burst into more laughter, “I- I teleported a few beds away after me and Alastor fucked holes through them. I wasn’t sure where they ended up!”
“Was it multiple beds, or just the one?” Satan asked the imp.
“Uh, only one.”
“Great,” Satan grumbled, “Does that mean there are multiple crusty beds hidden around my castle?”
“Not necessarily!” Lucifer chuckled, “They could be anywhere in Hell. Even,” Lucifer glanced at the other Sins, “In your rings.”
“Fuck you Lu!” Mammon shouted as he sprinted out of Satan’s castle.
He’d need to put out a bounty to hunt down any of those shitty beds that ended up in his ring. And then burn the ones found.
Although he probably should have learned his lesson from this, Mammon was already devising a new prank to pay Lucifer back.
“I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU!” Alastor shrieked.
“… Sorry,” Lucifer meekly replied. He had gotten too caught up in harassing the Sins, he forgot his showboating would affect Alastor.
“If it’s any consolation, I got all the Sins to agree to really bad deals for their rings in favor of Pride!”
“I don’t give a damn about that!”
“Yeah, OK, I didn’t think you would.”
Alastor stalked around their bedroom, ranting about his meeting with the Vees. Apparently Lucifer made Alastor behave like a fool. Whoops.
Lucifer weathered the storm, waiting for the next wave of aphrodisiac to hit Alastor.
It wasn’t a long wait. Alastor started stripping as he was complaining. Fully nude, he pushed Lucifer onto the bed and positioned himself to ride his cock.
“How much longer until this wears off?” Alastor griped.
“Might be a while. Don’t worry babe, I cleared both our schedules for the next month!”
Alastor groaned, but started to ride Lucifer, “Next time I’m cutting your dick off and walking around with that inside me.”
Lucifer winked and grabbed onto Alastor’s hips, “I guess I need to convince you my dick is better when it’s attached.”
To both the relief and disappointment of Lucifer’s cock, the aphrodisiac wore off a few days before the month’s end.