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Shane looks startled at the setup, and Ilya pats the spot on the couch next to him. “Come on, we’re doing normal boyfriend thing.” Shane rolls his eyes but he comes and sits next to him, settling down into the curve of Ilya’s arm, his boyfriend’s arm. It still makes him a little giddy even after this much time.
”You never want to watch movies, what is it?” he asks, reaching to take some of the popcorn that Ilya has positioned on the sofa on his far side. It forces Shane to lean over him and Ilya surprises him by pecking a kiss to the side of his head.
”You’ll see, very important film, fantasy romance.”
Shane wrinkles his nose up and watches Ilya pick up the remote and start to navigate through the menu. “Doesn’t sound like your kind of movie…or mine.” He watches as Ilya opens the Lifetime app. “Are you fucking serious?” he asks exasperated. “Did you subscribe? Something you want to tell me?”
”Yes, I am bisexual, and you are gay. Shut up and watch movie with me.”
”Not this gay,” mutters Shane, but he doesn’t move from his spot, just leans into Ilya’s side a bit more and mentally zones out a little as Ilya pulls up a movie called Christmas at the Rink. “Why the fuck are we watching a Christmas movie?” He turns and Ilya just smirks back at him, clicking play and setting the remote down. “I mean what is going on?” Ilya just shushes him and they both turn their attention to the movie.
The opening credits show what seems to be the heroine, driving in a car and talking on a phone about her terrible love life. Shane narrows his eyes, suspicious when she starts dropping a lot of exposition very quickly. She’s apparently single, and very famous and starring in a movie called “X Team”. Shane sits up straight. “Is that supposed to be Rose?” He gapes at the screen and Ilya pulls him back down into his side.
”Shut up, we’re watching amusing holiday romance movie about definitely not Rose Landry.”
”Ilya,” says Shane, warningly. “This is stupid. Weird made up fiction. She doesn’t look like Rose and Rose is a way better actress than her too. Also why is the car moving so much, are they rocking it to make it look like it’s moving?”
”Stop trying to ruin suspension of disbelief.”
”Who taught you that?”
Ilya doesn’t answer him, smirking at the screen as they watch the very thin plot unfold.
”So it’s Christmas for no reason is what I’m getting,” mutters Shane, watching “Rose Landry” or should he say “Violet Smith” spout more poorly written exposition while walking past some cheap Christmas decorations hung haphazardly behind her. She talks about her sad and lonely holiday plans.
”This is so bad, Rose has loads of friends, like, there’s no way she’d spend Christmas alone.” Shane mutters but he quiets down and watches.
Ilya starts to rub at the back of his neck, petting his hair in a way that always makes Shane feel relaxed. He’s finding it hard to relax though, especially when, seemingly out of nowhere the Violet character decides to go to Montreal for Christmas.
”Wait why would she think no one is going to recognise her in Montreal? Do they think it’s like…some tiny village or something? This movie makes no sense. She filmed X Squad two there”
And of course the scene cuts, and Shane sits upright again as they show scenes of some very poor skating from some extras in a hockey rink. Then, based on the music cue and the way the camera moves across him, Shane realizes this is the other main character. He looks over at Ilya, a look of betrayal on his face. “You can’t be serious Ilya, is that supposed to be me?”
Shane curses under his breath as they establish ”Ryan Collins” as the best player in the league.
”See? It’s a fantasy movie. He is supposed to be the best player.”
”Oh I know this is fantasy,” grumbles Shane, grabbing a handful of popcorn. He’s tempted to throw it at the screen. “That guy looks nothing like me.”
”Very true, you are much better looking.”
”Damn right,” says Shane, smugly. At least they cast someone Asian, is about all he can muster in appreciation about his screen alter-ego. The character is, coincidentally, also lonely for Christmas. He bemoans how single and alone he is to his teammate character and Shane rolls his eyes. “This is stupid. How is he the best player in the league, on a team in a city they’re trying to make out is some backwater?”
”I don’t know, it's a movie.”
Shane snorts and watches the thin plot unfold. “This doesn’t bother you?” he asks, as the characters have their meet cute, running into each other at a party that the writer seemed to have forgotten to explain why they were both in attendance. The Ryan character is very forward, confident and flirtatious and also doesn’t seem to know who he’s flirting with. He has the urge to throw popcorn at the screen but doesn’t want to make a mess. “Oh come on, we both knew who each other was, we were mutual fans!” He turns to look at Ilya’s smirk. “Who the hell wouldn’t know who Rose Landry is?”
The scene cuts back to the rink where the Ryan character was talking about this amazing not at all famous girl he has just met to someone that Shane had a sneaking suspicion is supposed to be Hayden Pike.
”I don’t know, best player in Montreal who can’t skate.” The skating was pretty terrible. The guy was clinging to the edge to hold his balance as he delivered his lines. Shane sighed, but he couldn’t stop watching.
”This is nothing like how it was at all, and are you really okay watching fake-me and fake-Rose fall for each other?” Ilya shrugged.
”I am not jealous of fake-you and fake-her,” he says with a grin.
”The pacing of this movie is weird,” says Shane. “How are they already professing their love and they have been on like one date.”
”I know, better to fuck in secret for eight years first.”
Shane elbows Ilya half-heartedly but keeps watching. “For a movie about a hockey player there is like…no hockey in this thing.”
”Actor clearly can’t skate,” points out Ilya. “or act.”
Shane doesn’t offer a response. Instead he keeps watching, oddly transfixed by the insanity of seeing a knock off version of an alternate life on screen. “How much is left of this movie? I mean there’s like…no conflict?”
”She doesn’t know he is secretly gay?” offers Ilya. Shane elbows him for real this time.
But then of course, the conflict does show up, in the form of the rival team captain for the big game. “How are they playing the final against Boston? That’s…not possible?” says Shane, but he’s immediately distracted by his confusion about the writer’s lack of research when they introduce the captain of the opposing team. “Oh my god, it’s you!” He sits up, grinning in delight as he turns to enjoy Ilya’s horrified expression.
”That…is not me,” says Ilya, a frown across his face.
”Oh yes it is!” says Shane gleefully.
The accent is truly terrible and this guy can’t skate either, but they’ve called him Vladimir and made him the captain of the Boston team so it’s kind of obvious, despite Ilya’s denial. “Suddenly I really want to see the rest of this movie,” he says and pops a piece of popcorn in his mouth.
”Why am I flirting with her?!” gasps Ilya as the Vladimir character aggressively hits on Violet. “I have never….”
”Oh so it is you.” Shane smirks. Ilya goes silent as they watch the scene unfold. ”So it’s a love triangle, I should text Rose and see if she’s watched this.”
Ilya sits in silence, a serious look on his face as he watches his on screen alter ego flirt with the main character. “Do people think I’m like this?” he asks, quietly and Shane turns to look at him.
”Are you…actually hurt?” asks Shane softly. It’s still funny of course, but now he feels the tiniest bit bad about all the laughter. Ilya shakes his head, obstinately.
They continue watching as the Violet character dramatically talks to her best friend on the phone. “Wait, why is she suddenly torn between me who she fell in love with after one date and you who are rude and flirted with her one time? How is that a decision?!” Shane finds himself stupidly irritated by how far fetched this is. He folds his arms and sits up straighter against the back of the couch. “This is dumb.”
”Real me is just so sexy they had to show audience the ladies love me.” Ilya turns and winks at him. “Actor is not hot like me, and my English is not this bad.” He cringes when the actor drops what Shane thinks is supposed to be a Russian phrase but he can’t decode it.
They watch a bit more, Shane checking his watch to see they’re an hour in. This thing can’t be that much longer, surely. He clenches his jaw as there’s a scene of what is supposed to be some kind of party after the final, which Montreal won, thank you very much. “Why is everyone celebrating together, why would Boston celebrate Montreal beating them?” he asks, pointlessly. “And why is it also Christmas?”
”We agree movie makes no sense already, yes?”
Shane grunts in agreement as they watch movie-Shane and movie-Ilya argue about who the Rose character really loves. “Now they should kiss,” says Ilya and Shane snorts in amusement.
”Now that would be quite the plot twist!” says Shane with a smile, rubbing his hand on Ilya’s thigh. Ilya places his own hand over top and squeezes his fingers. They watch as the film unfolds, both men discovering that Violet is actually a famous movie star and that she really loves Ryan and they kiss dramatically.
”Pfft, no passion, see? He is gay.”
Shane elbows him but they watch as the couple dance around what is supposed to be a party scene but clearly they couldn’t afford enough extras to fill the background.
”And what about me?” asks Ilya, offended as the credits start to roll as a terrible pop version of Jingle Bells plays. “Where is my happy ending?”
Shane turns in his seat, pulling his knees up so he can face Ilya properly. “I’m sure we can arrange something, but I really need to text Rose and see if she’s seen this movie.” He looks at Ilya’s pleading face and can’t help but lean forward and place a soft kiss against his mouth. “Ok,” he whispers against his lips. “After.”
It’s lucky Shane remembers to turn off the TV before the next terrible Christmas movie can autoplay. He wants to focus on other things now. After all, reality is better.