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"Maybe we’re on friendlier terms now than we used to be.”
Friendlier terms, Nefer scoffs. She doesn’t consider herself the type of person to have friends. And even if she was, she wouldn’t want Lauma to be one of them. Lauma is something more, has always been something more. Hence her sarcastic jab in response to the Moonchanter’s question.
But if Nefer is being honest with herself, the real reason she refuses to say Lauma’s name is that she is too afraid to cross that last boundary. She knows after that, there’s no going back. Feigned courtesy is the last flimsy defense her heart has, and Nefer is terrified of relinquishing it. But at the same time…
She glances over at Lauma, who is reclining elegantly on the roof beside her. Nasha Town is stretched out below them, a busy night already in full swing. Raucous laughter echoes from the Flagship and Hunajatta’s stall is busy with children seeking sugar sculptures before they head home for dinner. Even this late in the evening, haggling can be heard below them at the Voynich Guild and Lyulka is still hard at work, the clanking of her machines echoing over the din of many voices.
Up high on the roof as they are, they’re well removed from the hustle and bustle below. Nefer sits rigidly on the roof with her legs crossed, while in contrast, Lauma’s legs dangle off the edge and she looks impossibly relaxed. This is Nefer’s usual thinking spot, she comes up here to get away from everyone and sort out her thoughts. But tonight, in a moment of insanity, she’d invited Lauma up here. Now that they’re here, though, her temporary madness has receded, leaving Nefer with nothing but her insecurities and the knowledge that if she wants things to change, now is the time.
Taking a deep breath, Nefer says stiffly, “It’s a nice view, isn’t it?”
“Indeed,” Lauma replies, smiling absently and tipping her face to the sky, “And even more so now that we can see the true Frost Moon.”
Nefer joins her in looking up at the moon. It really is beautiful, she has to admit. When she tears her eyes away from the sky, she finds Lauma watching her.
“Yes, Miss Moonchanter?” Nefer asks, not quite easily, mentally cringing at the unintentional bite in her tone.
Lauma smiles slightly, “I just find myself wondering what we’re doing up here. You do nothing without purpose, Nefer.”
Nefer wants to hate the way her name on Lauma’s lips makes her heart skip. But she gave in long ago to the reality that she’s been hopelessly ensnared by this kind, beautiful woman and in the wake of the chaos that befell them, Nefer has realized something. She doesn’t have forever. No one has forever. Not even the gods. And Nefer has never been one to waste time once she knows what she wants.
“You think you know me so well,” Nefer accuses teasingly.
Lauma isn’t baited, she just smiles serenely and says, “I know that I know you well.”
And she’s right. They both know it. No one knows Nefer like Lauma does. No one sees her the way Lauma does.
Nefer takes a deep breath, gathering her courage. Facing down Dottore and the prospect of losing her sight were far less terrifying than this.
“Lauma I…I asked you to come up here because I wanted to speak with you,” Nefer begins awkwardly.
Lauma nods.
“I…” Nefer hesitates, words failing her, “I just wanted to say that…That I…that you…”
Lauma’s delicate brow furrows in concern as she leans forward and asks, “Nefer, is something wrong?”
“N-no,” Nefer stammers, appalled at her inability to articulate something so simple. Of all the times for words to fail her.
Finally, Nefer chokes out, “I just wanted to make sure you know that I care about you.”
As soon as the words are out of her mouth Nefer wants to facepalm. That was the best she could do?
“Yes, I care for you as well,” Lauma replies slowly, tilting her head, “Was that all…?”
Nefer suppresses a groan. Feelings have never been her strong suit and she can feel herself growing increasingly agitated as the seconds tick by. Lauma simply looks at her expectantly, her usual placid smile settled on her face.
Trying again, Nefer says, “I mean that I…” Just say it, she seethes at herself, just tell her! But the words won’t come. Lauma’s face slowly clouds with confusion as she waits. Nefer wants to scream.
“Oh for the love of-“ Nefer mutters and pulls Lauma in, pressing their mouths together in a frantic kiss.
Lauma isn’t expecting it, that much is clear. She stiffens with surprise and Nefer quickly releases her, her face burning. Lauma blinks, then blinks again, bringing her fingers to her lips in a daze. Nefer is just beginning to think she made a terrible mistake when her companion surges forward so quickly Nefer is nearly knocked on her back as Lauma cups her face, kissing her deeply.
Her arms wind their way around Lauma’s waist, where they belong, where they’ve always belonged, and she pulls Lauma closer.
Nefer isn’t sure how long they stay wrapped up in each other like that. She doesn’t really care. All that matters is that Lauma is finally in her arms and she seems to want this just as much and that’s really all her mind can process right now.
Finally, Lauma pulls back, but she doesn’t get far because Nefer tightens her hold on Lauma’s waist. In a daze, Nefer reaches up and runs her fingers through Lauma’s hair, pushing it behind one of her delicate, pointed ears. Her hair is even softer than Nefer imagined.
Cupping Lauma’s cheek, Nefer brings their foreheads together and tries to catch her breath.
“I must admit,” Lauma begins, and Nefer can’t help the rush of pride she feels at how breathless the Moonchanter’s voice is, “I was not expecting…that.”
A helpless laugh bubbles its way out of Nefer as she admits, “Honestly, neither was I.”
“What was the plan?” Lauma asks with a teasing lilt to her voice and Nefer is struck by the impulse to kiss her all over again.
“I didn’t actually have one,” Nefer confesses, unable to repress an embarrassed grin, “But to be fair, when it comes to you, Lauma, my best laid plans always go awry in any case.”
Lauma’s eyes widen in shock and Nefer runs through her words again, trying to understand what has surprised the Moonchanter so.
She opens her mouth to ask, but Lauma suddenly whispers, “Say it again, please.”
Nefer frowns, “Say what again?”
Lauma sighs fondly, “You really are hopeless, do you realize that?”
Nefer smirks, “I blame you entirely.”
“My name, Nefer,” Lauma says, her voice catching slightly, “Please. Say my name again.”
A warm feeling grows in Nefer’s chest as she leans forward and whispers, “Lauma.”
Lauma smiles a smile so joyous it takes Nefer’s breath away.
“Lauma,” she repeats, pecking the Moonchanter’s lips, “Lauma.”
Laughing helplessly, Lauma tangles her fingers in Nefer’s hair and pulls her close, their mouths meeting again and again. Nefer can’t help but think that if Lauma’s smile in this moment is the last thing she ever sees, at least she knows nothing could ever be more beautiful.
“I love you, Lauma,” the words are out before Nefer can take them back, and she freezes, once again beginning to panic. She hadn’t meant to say that now. Or possibly ever.
But Lauma just smiles and kisses her again before murmuring against Nefer’s lips, “I love you, Nefer.”
And for the first time in far too long, Nefer realizes she is home.