Chapter Text
Loud shouting overtook the once calm atmosphere on the Thousand Sunny. A seagull flew overhead, with it came news, letters, and most thrilling of all to the Strawhats: new wanted posters. The carrier seagull had dropped off the news a few weeks before, but to the crew's surprise, no updated wanted posters had come with it. The disappointment was clear on most of the crew's faces, with the exception of Usopp and Nami who found themselves thrilled at no new bounties.
While he tried to hide his enthusiasm, Sanji was somewhat relieved alongside them. He didn’t like looking at his wanted posters. If not for the absolutely abhorrent photos they always seemed to find of him, he didn’t exactly enjoy staring at his birth family's name every time he looked at it. He hates that that name has been put on his poster. It didn’t matter what his last name had been before, why did it have to now? He didn’t want to associate with them, but now whenever someone mentioned Blackleg sanji of the strawhats, they were correcting themselves to Vinsmoke Sanji. God he absolutely hated it. That name had tainted his life for long enough, he hated that it was now tainting the crew. That it was associated in any way.
His grip on the knife he was holding tightened just thinking about it. Temporarily forgetting the vegetables he had been preparing for lunch. He needed to get out of this headspace, he knew he couldn’t do anything about the damn poster, so why let it bother him? He hesitated slightly.
‘You know exactly why.’ The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Shaking his head slightly, he tried to think “happier thoughts.” That is what Chopper would tell him to do. Probably. He would know if he talked to him about it, or anyone for that matter. However, the mere thought of explaining his problems sounded downright repulsive to him. Explaining his thoughts and his mood meant delving into topics he had absolutely zero interest in telling anybody.
‘I’ve lived with my shitty childhood and my shitty thoughts this long. I’ll bounce back soon enough, just like before.’
Happy thoughts, right? Maybe they changed his name? Not likely, but hey, it's the thought that counts. His bounty could be higher than Zoro's. Afterall, it was higher already to begin with, so depending how they raise them it is very likely that his bounty is still higher than the stupid mosshead. The thought alone was enough to make him feel downright jovial.
He set the vegetables he had been chopping to the side, sealing them away for later. Turning to leave the galley, one more “happy thought” crossed his mind.
‘Maybe they changed That..’
He paused for a moment.
‘Yeah, like that's likely.’
He could force himself to think happier thoughts, but he wouldn’t be delusional.
Producing a cigarette and his golden lighter from his pocket, he took a deep breath as he lit it. The calming effect took hold for what was about 4 seconds before a loud bang at the door to the galley caused him to jump embarrassingly high. Oh was he glad no one else was in the galley at that moment.
“Saaanjii! You gotta come see your new bounty! Its huuge!” Ah, there's Luffy. Sanji braced himself for the onslaught of noise as he opened the galley door.
He was greeted with a relatively normal scene. Luffy was in his face immediately, grinning ear to ear and yelling everything that came to mind. Noticing his captain was currently not holding his aforementioned wanted poster, he stepped aside the man as he scanned the deck of the Sunny to locate it.
Usopp, Chopper, and Nami were wallowing under the tree, mumbling and comforting each other over their increased bounties.
Franky stared at his bounty before shoving it in Brook’s face, upset about something to do with the used photo and “why did Brook get such a cool one?!” A smile took over his face.
'At least I'm not the only one.'
Robin and Jinbe stood by the helm, examining their own posters alongside Luffy’s. He couldn’t see any of them from his current position, but he heard something about 3 billion berries, which he simply assumed had to be Luffy’s poster.
All and all, a pretty average scene for the crew.
If his poster wasn’t with any of them, that left one person. His eyes searched the deck, easily finding the green haired mossball sitting by the railing. It looked like he was only holding one poster, but thanks to the wind flipping the pages, he could tell that there was a second one behind it. Zoro’s eyes shot up to him, like he could sense Sanji’s eyes on him. Freaky mosshead.
“C’mon Sanji!” Luffy grabbed his wrist and began pulling him towards the stairs. “Zoro has your wanted poster, you're gonna love it!” Another smile tugged at his lips at Luffy’s excitement, allowing himself to be dragged down the stairs towards the railing.
As they reached the main deck, Chopper suddenly ran out from underneath the tree. Tears filled his little eyes as he jumped on and clung to Sanji’s leg. Used to this by now, Sanji simply stopped for a moment as chopper adjusted before continuing towards the railing.
“Sanjii! My bounty.. It's only a thousand berries!” Chopper exclaimed between sobs. “They just think I'm a pet! They don’t take me seriously at all!” Sanji’s heart went out to the little reindeer, remembering how it felt to be seen as less than.
He reached his hand down to Choppers head, patting it gently a few times. “Let it all out.” He said gently, knowing from experience this kind of thing couldn’t just be forgotten or pushed under the rug. After a few more moments of sobbing, they reached Zoro. Finally free from Luffy’s iron grip, Sanji reached down and lifted the little reindeer off his leg before getting down on his level. He waited a moment for Chopper to look up at him, attention focused.
“Maybe it will help if you look at it this way. Everyone on this crew knows how strong and capable you are, both as a doctor and a fighter.”
He paused for a second to glance up at Luffy, who gave a large smile and a nod at the little doctor. Glancing up at the rest of the crew, who were now focused on the commotion, Chopper was met with nothing but agreement.
Chopper smiled back at them sheepishly. “What? Its not like I need all of your compliments or anything!” Clearly enjoying the validation from the crew.
Sanji smiled at the doctor, waiting for his attention to be back on him. “If the government doesn’t take that seriously, that is on them for shooting themselves in the foot. You're like our little secret weapon!” Chopper’s eyes got big at Sanji’s words, he hadn’t thought of it that way before.
Without skipping a beat, Luffy jumped excitedly next to them, falling into a crouch as he got eye level with Chopper. “Hey! Sanji’s right, Chopper! They think you're just a little guy, so imagine their surprise when you show up all big and beat all of their asses!”
A big smile overtook the reindeer's features as he processed the thought. “Hey, yeah! You're right!” Chopper laughed alongside Luffy. “They won’t know what hit em’!” Chopper exclaimed loudly, running off back to his original spot under the tree. Sanji stood back up as Luffy excitedly chased the reindeer.
Sanji let out a light-hearted sigh, watching them run off. The rest of the crew shared similar expressions before turning back to their own activities.
Sanji, finally turning to face Zoro, suddenly remembered why he came out here in the first place.
Happy thoughts.
“Alright, mosshead. Let me see it.” He said shortly, as if talking to the man was a physical pain. He would never admit that it wasn’t.
“How much bigger is my bounty than yours now?” He sneered, in his normal lighthearted, slightly hate filled tone that he reserved for Zoro only. However, Zoro didn’t meet his banter. He simply stared at the cook with a serious, no nonsense look.
Tension caused his shoulders to stiffen, his false bravado wavering slightly under Zoro’s harsh gaze.
‘What the hell, Mosshead? Why can’t things just be fucking normal or easy for once with you.’ Anger filled his thoughts as he stared back at Zoro, waiting for the man to say anything.
To say their relationship has been strained is an understatement. Ever since Sanji got back from Whole Cake, Zoro has been acting differently around Sanji. Where there was once constant bickering over annoyed glances or light-hearted jabs, now a deep seated, very real hatred seemed to have settled deep in Zoro’s mind.
Hell, the whole crew had been far more distant than they used to be. The only ones that didn’t look at him like he wasn’t the same person, were the ones that had gone to Whole Cake to get him. Excluding Nami. He refused to let his brain explore that thought. The guilt would eat him alive faster than it already was if his mind lingered on it.
Clearing his mind, he refocused on Zoro, his wanted poster still in the man's iron grip. He put a hand on his hip, genuine annoyance creeping in quick. He held his hand out, waiting for Zoro to just hand him the damn poster!
“Are you going to give me my poster or are you planning to keep it and put it under your pillow?” It was a light jab, but it clearly hit something in Zoro as his eyes widened ever so slightly. Relenting, Zoro turned his hand around, however he refused to release the poster from his hand as Sanji tried to grab it.
“What the hell Mosshead, it's my wanted poster, just let go already-“ Sanji strained as he tried to yank the poster away before he was interrupted by Zoro.
“So you can hide this one away too? Not a chance curly. Not until you finally explain this.” Zoro roughly pointed to the middle of the poster, drawing Sanji’s eyes to it.
He knew what Zoro was pointing at before he looked. He knew it hadn’t changed. Looking past the photo which had unfortunately also not changed, his eyes landed on the text right below the godforsaken photo.
“Only alive.”
Despite knowing in his heart it was still there, seeing it on the updated wanted poster made a knot form in his stomach. With one updated poster, it could have been a mistake. Someone simply forgot to change it. However, with this second one still sporting the phrase in bold, unashamed letters only confirmed that this shit was purposeful.
“I already told you, idiot Mosshead! You think I know why it still says that? It's not like they tell you these things, you know!” The anger in his voice bled through, despite trying to keep it together. What gave Zoro the right to question him like this?
‘Because you left. You're the one who abandoned this crew. Zoro is first mate, he has every right to not trust you now. Every right to question and hate you for what you did.’ His thoughts supplied the answer clearly. He knew they were correct.
Was it so wrong that he wanted to hang on to how things used to be just a little longer? But of course, just like he would with any other enemy, Zoro refused to give him any room to breathe.
“You said your family is going to leave you alone, and to just not worry about it. Bullshit, cook. Clearly there is more to this than you are letting on!” Zoro’s voice rose to meet Sanji’s, getting the attention of the rest of the crew. “Your bounty went up way higher than normal, too! That's an incentive, cook. That is putting the rest of the crew in danger, and you won’t be honest about what is going on with you!”
Sanji's voice strained, tired of having this conversation over and over with this shitty swordsman. “I’m not lying, Zoro! Half of the crew was there! Are you calling all of them liars?” Sanji paused for a second, deciding if he wanted to commit to this or not. ‘When have I ever missed an opportunity to make the shitty moss mad?’ He thought for a moment, knowing this would hit differently.
“Are you calling our captain a liar?” Sanji knew he hit a nerve with the last comment. Anything that even hinted at wavering loyalty in Zoro’s direction set the man on fire. A raging, burning hell fire.
“What did you say, cook?” Zoro said flatly, looking up at Sanji. “You're bold to call anyone on this ship a liar.”
Sanji forced his face to stay calm, not wanting to show the swordsman how his words got to him. He knew the outcome of saying that accusation, and this was far from the first time. He could sense the dangerous aura eminenting from the man, sensing the movement just before it happened.
Zoro reached for one of his legs, in an attempt to knock him down. Observation haki flared loudly in his mind as Sanji jumped back, sky walking as he reached his peak to get further back from the angry man below him.
“Thats just what I expected from you, shitty Mosshead. Thinking with your fists since you can’t come up with any thoughts in your brain!” The shitty insult came easily enough, he might as well just be breathing.
Zoro shot up, reaching for one of his three swords. Sanji could tell from here that it was Wado, having learned their placement long ago. However, before he could pull the blade out, arms sprouted out of Zoro’s waist, hands grabbing onto his wrist, preventing him from pulling out his sword without hurting the offending limbs.
At the same time, Franky came up behind Sanji, slowly resting one of his giant metal hands on his shoulder. Sanji, out of reflex, shrunk his shoulder away from the touch and gave the man a sharp scrowl. He wasn’t intentionally being hostile towards the cyborg, but he was still furious from the yelling match, and the emotions that welled up arguing with Zoro.
Franky took a step back, hands in the air in a dramatic motion. “Easy there, bro! You need to calm down before this gets ugly. Fighting amongst crewmates isn’t very super, is it?”
Sanji turned away from the cyborg. He wanted to apologize, and he most definitely would. Later. As much as he wished he could, he was unfortunately unable to turn his emotions around on a dime as was requested. ‘That's not fair.’ He knew he was being harsh, but at the moment he simply didn’t care.
Looking back up, Sanji spotted Luffy, who had now walked in between his two wings.
“Thats enough.” Oh god, Luffy’s serious voice. Sanji felt himself shrink a little. It never felt good knowing he was a partial cause for that voice to be used. For a smile to not be on that face. I’ll have to make it up to him too.
Luffy glanced back and forth between the two men, ensuring they both knew who he was addressing. “This arguing isn’t going to help anyone. It needs to stop.” Luffy let a wide smile take over his face, never one to let it falter for long. “Were all Nakama here, right? I know you two can work this out!” It was a short speech, though Sanji supposed that, in a way, made it hit harder. Hopefully it would cause the Mossbrained idiot to use his head.
With that, the crew let out a collective breath, the tension breaking with Luffy’s words. Robin released her grip on Zoro, the swordsmen slowly moving his hand away from Wado’s hilt. He crossed his arms, Sanji’s wanted poster still held tightly in his grasp.
Sanji felt the anger slip away from him like ice. Guilt and embarrassment washed over him as he realized the entire crew witnessed that fight. Sure, the crew watched the two of them go at it all of the time. It was practically their love language at this point. However, this was different. This was genuine anger. Sanji had known for a while that things between them had been strained. Clearly Luffy did too, if his words were anything to go by. For the most part though, the two of them had kept their brewing anger to off hand comments, distant glares, or the occasional argument when no one else was around.
Now it was all out in the open. And Sanji felt disgusted. What if the crew sided with Zoro? Who was he kidding, of course they would! He didn’t exactly have a leg to stand on here. They all had similar questions to Zoro, and he knew he was avoiding them all. It was only a matter of time before they started bombarding him with accusations and questions too. The only thing he could do was try to placate them long enough to think of how to even begin to answer them.
He needed to get away. Away from the eyes and the questioning gazes. Before he could, he briefly turned back to Franky. He didn’t know if his face matched the emotion he was going for, far too many thoughts and feelings whirled around for him to choose what emotion showed on his face.
‘Doesn’t matter right now. Placate.’
“I'm sorry Franky, for being rude to you.” He quickly stated before turning to march his pathetic ass up the stairs and back to his safe haven, the galley.
Realizing he would have to walk past Zoro to reach the stairs, he contemplated taking the extra time and using the second staircase. But he needed to get away now. He couldn’t stand the eyes that laid upon him any longer. Plus he didn’t want Zoro to realize how badly he got to him.
“Im going to work on lunch.” He stated bluntly, knowing the quickest way to appease this crew was through their stomachs. He could feel their gaze lingering as he walked past, choosing to ignore the uneasy feeling.
As he strode past Zoro, he attempted to pick up the pace when he was suddenly stopped by an arm reaching out. His emotions were too high to catch the movement with his Haki. It wasn’t painful, not a move meant to hurt, but still firm. Looking down, he realized the hand that was now on his chest was holding his wanted poster.
“Take it, cook. Keep your secrets. Don’t come crying to us when they bite you in the ass.” With that, Zoro shoved the arm slightly, not enough to cause Sanji to stumble, but enough to feel it. Sanji grabbed the poster as the arm moved away. Staring down at it, a deep sadness filled his head. ‘Us.’ They were going to turn on him eventually, and Zoro knew it too.
He could feel the tears welling up. He always knew when he was going to cry. When the emotions got too overwhelming for him to contain them. He started walking again, this time much faster than before. He shot up the stairs, reaching the safety of the galley in record speed. Walking inside, he immediately slammed the door behind him. He didn’t mean to shut it so loudly, but he wasn’t in control of much at the moment.
He locked the door behind him, something he simply never did. The last thing he ever wanted to do was prevent someone from eating when they were hungry. But right now, he needed to be alone, and he knew certain crewmates with a tendency to follow after emotions ran high. He knew they meant well, but right now really wasn’t the time.
Finally alone, he let himself slide down the wall to the floor, knees brought up to his chest. Tears started soon after that. God, he felt so pathetic right now. Hell, he’s felt pathetic ever since he left for that fucking island and had to see his fucking family again. It's like everything around him wants to remind him how terrible he felt all of the time. Guilt constantly ate away at him, leaving him raw and sensitive every day until his fucking Germa genes washed it all away so it could start anew.
A sharp feeling latching onto him suddenly made him jump. It was a feeling akin to observation haki, but twisted. Like eyes were watching him even though he knew for a fact no one was in the galley. This feeling started happening back in Wano. ‘Everything seems to lead back to Wano and that fucking raid suit.’
His hands reached for his hair, gripping tightly. This had been a habit he broke long after he had been picked up by Zeff. He’s found himself doing it again since Whole Cake. Terrified that he would open his eyes and be back there. That this whole thing, the Baratie, the strawhats, everything was just some fever dream he made up out of desperation to stay sane.
How ironic that he would make up someone who embodies freedom so fiercely while still being trapped in that cage.
At the thought, the feeling of phantom bugs began crawling up his skin. He gripped his hair tighter, the pain becoming a grounding force. He was aware enough to know he needed to get a grip on reality, but the phantom senses were far too strong for him to fight off.
Weak. Useless. Failure.
The words came back to him easily. The only consistency he could find in this world. He was always experiencing at least one of them. Always too weak to fight something off. Too useless to protect the few people and things he cared about. Failing at something for the upteenth time, usually resulting in experiencing one of the other two words.
It hurt knowing that Judge had been right about him the entire time.
Using the words as a lifeline, he focused on how he felt right now. Which one of his few consistent experiences could he rely on now.
Weak. He couldn’t fight off these emotions. He couldn’t be the bigger person and simply ignore Zoro’s words and taunts. Weak. He let his anger take control of him and he went off on Franky. Weak.
He was here, on the floor, crying over a stupid wanted poster and fake bugs. Weak and pathetic, what a combo.
Replaying his last few shitty moments in his brain, he found himself slowly calming down. He knew this was a terrible coping mechanism. But it sure did work, didn’t it? Use it as an excuse to get better. If you identify how terrible you are, you can improve and grow, right? That is what he always told himself. He knew when push came to shove, he would continue to rely on these words to pull him out of his own head. They were always there for him, after all.
Releasing his head from his hands, he slowly unfurled his tight body. The phantom bugs slipped away, but the eyes, the “gaze,” as he has started calling it, still lingered. It always lingered. His legs stretched out in front of him, the wanted poster that was clinging to his chest slipping off to land in his lap.
He scanned over it, glossing over the only alive so he could avoid another breakdown. He focused on his new bounty number, realizing he never actually looked at it. Upon looking at it, he found himself doing a double take. That can’t be real, can it? Zoro’s words came back to him suddenly. “That's an incentive, cook. That is putting the rest of the crew in danger.” ..Weak.
It was real. Looking back at him from the wanted poster was a bounty of 1.5 billion berries. He had a hunch that after everything in Onigashima, his bounty may finally reach 1 billion, but that was just insane.
If Zoro’s words were anything to go by, that bounty must be higher than most of the others on the crew. Definitely not higher than Luffy's, but it had to be higher than Zoro’s. He felt a wave of pride wash over him for a second, however it was enough for him to latch onto. That had to be why Zoro was so butthurt, that stupid mosshead.
He knew in the back of his head that he hadn’t earned that bounty. Incentive. He didn’t know exactly why his bounty still said only alive. He couldn’t say it was because his Germa genes had finally, unfortunately, awakened. That had happened on Wano, his poster said only alive before Wano.
This led his mind to one place, one he was desperately trying not to think about, but it was unfortunately the only conclusion he could come to.
Sanji sat the poster back down gently, lifting his hands out in front of him. Slowly, he removed the glove he had been wearing on his left hand. He grimaced looking at his hand, staring intensely at his fingertips that were now stained a bright glistening gold, the color having appeared after his Germa genes had awakened in Wano. They looked like he had dipped his finger tips in molten gold. They shined much like gold would as well, however it most certainly was not real gold. The color wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he scrubbed them with soap or tried to rub it away. The only thing keeping him from scratching and clawing at the stuff was the fact that it was on his hands. He didn’t know if he could risk damaging them. That was part of the reason he hadn’t gone to Chopper with them. He was terrified he would hear the diagnosis and he would be banned from cooking, hell banned from using his hands again.
He didn’t think they were poisonous, he had hesitantly put one of his fingers in his mouth once, before he ever cooked with them like that. He didn’t drop dead or fall ill, so overall they didn’t seem deadly. However, he wasn’t keen on testing fate and decided to keep gloves on at all times.
Was it selfish? In his mind, undoubtedly. He needed to tell someone, what if this was dangerous? Poisonous, lethal, hell, healing? He doubted that one. Doesn’t matter, he didn’t know and was taking a risk anyway. That’s selfish. That's weak.
Whatever it was, he had a feeling he knew where it came from. Of course, anything unusual to do with his body had a very likely origin, however this one he believed he could pinpoint an exact moment.
—Germa 66 castle, cloning room—
Pain bloomed in his chest as he took another hit from one of his brothers. At this point, he couldn’t tell which one had done it, having long since given up fighting back. There was too much at stake to fight back. If not Zeff, his hands, if not his hands, he couldn’t guarantee the safety of innocents within the castle. His family was ruthless, there wasn’t any wiggle room to fight back.
So he took the beating, just like he had when he was a child. With each hit, a memory broke free, playing in his head. He tried to focus on the here and now; he was an adult, not a child. He was strong, he just couldn’t fight back right now. He was in the basement, but in a cloning room, not a shitty dungeon. That didn’t do much but make him feel weak.
He was so lost in his head, that he hadn’t noticed he was being lifted up by his arms. Or maybe he was just used to being manhandled by now. Either way, the sudden, sharp pain in his neck caught him off guard. His brain caught up to him in an instant, feeling like whiplash. He recognized that pain, and it wasn’t one his brothers usually caused. He craned his neck to his right, the side the pain came from. As expected, he saw Ichiji holding a now empty vial.
Pain and confusion flooded his system as whatever was in that vial took hold. He tried to vocalize the questions that bounced in his head, but the words kept getting lost in his throat. His body stuttered, flinching and shaking as the liquid made its way through his veins. A haze was beginning to form in his brain, something he recognized quickly as growing faint. He desperately looked back up at his brothers, who had let him go at this point, as they watched him wither in pain on the floor. He tried to read their faces, strained to hear what they were saying, tried to gain any information about just what the hell they just did to him. However, nothing made its way through the haze. As he felt the last of his consciousness finally slipping, he caught a glimpse of a large figure approaching behind his brothers. One he could never mistake, even in his current state.
Vinsmoke Judge.
Later, when he had gained consciousness, he found himself in an unfamiliar bed. Reiju was with him, nursing him back to health as usual. She had been covering his injuries. Can’t meet your future bride and mother-in-law looking like that. The thought made a shiver run up his spine.
Getting up, he found himself checking out the damage in the nearby mirror. His face was a mess, but he already figured that one out. His eyes found a large bruise on the right side of his neck. He easily recognized that kind of bruising, taking a closer look he saw the pinprick in the center. What did take him by surprise, however, was the odd sheen the injury had. It was a shiny, golden color that seemed to reflect the light in a weird way. Dread filled his stomach as he realized they did something to him. Again.
Taking a panicked step back from the mirror, he turned to face Reiju. “Do you know what the hell they injected me with?” He pleaded with her, hoping against all odds that she would know, that she would tell him.
However, to his disappointment, she simply shook her head. “I’m sorry, Sanji, but I'm afraid I don’t know. They have been keeping more things from me recently. I think they are growing more aware of my empathy.” She said it matter of factly, tone smooth.
Sanji collapsed into the chair next to the vanity. He had no answers. Nothing to go on. Just the knowledge that something happened. He forced the tears that wanted to fall away, filing the problem away with the multitude of other shitty things he had to live with.
Weak.
—present—
At the time, he had been far too busy with a thousand other things and a million other emotions to worry about whatever the hell they did to him. By the time of the wedding, the shine and gold color had completely faded and the bruise could be covered with makeup.
And now it was coming back to bite him in the ass
“Don’t come crying to us for help when it comes biting you in the ass.”
Good thing for Zoro, he already wasn’t. The remark didn’t feel good to think, even in his head.
Weak.
Finally getting tired of wallowing in his own pity, Sanji slipped the glove back on. The gaze watched him move, though the feeling had moved towards the back of his mind.
He lifted up the wanted poster, holding it up by a corner. Fishing around in his pocket, he grabbed his lighter. Slowly, he brought the lighter to the far corner of the poster, flicking the lighter on. It quickly took hold of the paper, eating away at it quickly. Moving swiftly, he pocketed his lighter and pulled out a cigarette. Never one to waste, he lit the cigarette on the wanted poster, inhaling deeply and allowing his nerves to briefly melt away alongside his hideous face on the poster.
As his wanted poster finished burning, he snuffed the small, remaining fire between his gloved fingers, barely feeling the heat. He stood up slowly, throwing what little of the poster was left away in the trashcan by the door.
Before he forgot, he turned to unlock the door to the galley, when the thought hit him suddenly.
He didn’t need to lock the door to the galley in the first place.
No one came to check on him.