Chapter Text
Conrad
Cousins still had the same sun, the same waters, the same beaches and yet, everything felt different. The house still stood there, the same house I once believed I would never see again. The house where I grew up, where I cried, where I met the people who matter the most in my life… where I fell in love. How could a place like that hold so many memories, happy and painful, and yet every time I enter it now, I just feel empty, like I don’t belong there anymore. How could I have lost track of my love for that place I fought so hard for, the one when I thought I had lost it forever, seemed like they were ripping a part of my heart.
Jeremiah, Denise, Agnes and I arrived last night at the beach house, spending this morning cleaning and stocking up on food. Steven had begged us to take at least these two weeks off, ending sometime after the 4th of July, just enough time for us to celebrate everything together once again before the wedding. Initially, it was just the three of us, but upon hearing all about the crazy plans Jere had made, Agnes quickly answered Steven and Taylor with a yes to the invite. It was easier for her to come to Cousins now, having gotten a job last week in Philadelphia, the same distance from where she was, just a few hours away from Boston, where I would be finally getting the dream opportunity at Mass General, the same place I promised her, my mother, I would go work for. My dream job, but at what cost?
They all had gotten closer these past years, both of them forcing Agnes to come around everything with me, just so I had someone there to force me to actually go and enjoy a few drinks. Taylor absolutely learned to love being around her just so she could find new ways to make fun of me, I think. If you had told teenager Conrad that he would form a close friendship with Taylor Jewel, the same girl who kept making fun of and taking Belly away from him, he would’ve laughed. It seemed impossible, and yet nowadays she is probably one of the only people that he could always confide in.
Back in Cali, we would sometimes go out, the six of us, a few drinks here and there, where they and Denise would just have the typical girl talk that I thought was impossible for Agnes to have for the longest time. We all learned to become closer, living a few minutes away from each other, away from everything and everyone on this coast… away from her.
Her… I tried so hard to let go of this feeling; tried so hard to find new people, even forced myself to try and date again, all of it just to crumble down at the end of each night because no matter what, nobody was her. I know I shouldn’t be trying to find out about her, from the few calls I’ve had through the years we barely spoke, everything I know is based on stuff I would ask Laurel, Taylor or Steven. They normally hesitate to speak about her, making it sound like a taboo, and will just respond with ‘she’s well’, or ‘she’s fine’. I barely know what she is doing with her life. I know she works at a coffee shop in Philly, that she gave up university out of her own accord, and that she was living with Laurel and John. That was it. Some nights, I would sit in my room after a long day of work and try to check her Instagram, see if she had posted a new photo, a new way for me to just check if she is okay. She never does. Everything on her profile nowadays is just posts that Taylor or Anika would tag her in; she would stand there with the same old smile and her dark locks. She looked so perfect. She was the same Belly, yet something about her screamed older, wiser; it was not the teenager face she once had, she looked like a woman.
Every time Agnes would catch me looking at her page, it was always the same phrase that would come out of her mouth: ‘Con, stop it’. She knows very well I was hurting myself in standing there, hoping for a message to arrive that never did. How many times after coming to Boston or Cousins during holidays did I think of just grabbing the car and driving to Philadelphia, making some kind of excuse of ‘I’m going to see Laurel’? I never did, because I knew, if she wanted me to be near her, she would speak to me the way I knew she spoke to Jeremiah.
Because what hurts the most is that she still talked to him, like the stuff from four years ago never happened. They weren’t precisely best friends again, but they would speak regularly, unlike with me. Maybe she had been right. Maybe I’ll never be what Jeremiah is to her. It’s my fault after all. The reason for the wedding being called off the reason she left for Paris for those two months. If I just didn’t say those things to her, if I didn’t do those things to her, maybe she would still speak to me. And yet, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret it. I don’t regret any of it, the talk, the confessions… the acts.
To this day, I never told Jeremiah of that day. He knows about the beach confession, about the talks I had with her the day of the wedding, but never that day. Does she ever think about it? About how we stood there, gave in to the tension that was building like she was never even engaged to my freaking brother. I acted so irrationally that day. How the pain of my cut dissipated the moment I felt her in my arms, the moment I felt her lips on mine like so many times before, like we both were two teenagers again. Where I didn’t care if Jere would come in that bathroom and see that, because she was there in my arms, mine, my Belly. What a sick brother I am.
I walk past that same bathroom and think back on it again; how I had held her in my arms like that, one last time; how we stumbled into my bedroom; how her lips felt, kissing every inch of my body… I truly had hoped back then that the act would be enough for her to be back like that in my life… but it wasn’t, it was just infidelity. I was no better than my father, I was no better than Jeremiah… My mom would be so disappointed in the man I have become. She used to always tell me how lucky Jere was that he had a big brother like me, and yet, nowadays, I think it’s the complete opposite. A good big brother wouldn’t do these things; a good big brother wouldn’t have romantic feelings for the woman he was going to marry; a good big brother wouldn’t make that same fiancée cheat on him.
A few moments later, at the end of the hallway, there stood her room, never once to be used again since that summer. I kept it clean, for the day she would come back and decided not to be mad at me anymore. Junior Mint was liberated from the dark corners of her closet and stood at the wardrobe looking at the door. I approach slowly, entering her once safe space that seemed to be stuck in time, waiting for her owner to arrive.
I slowly pick up the white bear with the sunglasses, lift his scarf and stare at the infinity necklace that I was once ashamed of. I remember the day I found out this is where she kept it, I cried. I cried for the stupid teen that I was, for not being open with my feelings as soon as possible, for being afraid of hurting her, just to end up doing exactly that. Junior Mint looks back at me. I remember being terrified that day, when I innocently asked her to come to the boardwalk with me; I knew she had been eyeing this plushie all summer long, I had a focus mind in getting it for her; and I remember how disappointed I was when she went away, how sad she looked when I finally found her again, arguing she would’ve preferred the giraffe… she didn’t. That was the only thing I believed that day, that she lied about wanting the giraffe, because after everything, the next day she would come and happily announce the name Junior Mint to everybody.
I was about to put him back in his place when I felt my phone buzzing. Quickly taking it out of my pocket, I see the name on the screen: Steven; a photo of him passed out on the couch at Jere’s and Denise’s house, we took sometime last year, where Taylor had insisted he looked like a sleeping baby, now just one of the ones we use to make fun of him.
“Hey, bro.” He enthusiastically says when I pick up the call. “How are things at the house?”
“Hey, everything is good. We arrived yesterday, Jere and I have been on cleaning duty while the girls went shopping.” I explained. “I think he’s outside taking care of the pool.”
“Oh, that’s why that bastard is not answering his phone… well, at least you picked up. I actually needed to speak with you about something.” He lowers his tone, showing a small hint of nervousness in his voice. “Taylor and I arrived yesterday in Philly, and we went to confirm everything with my parents, and we are all good to go.” His parents. Just his parents. Not a mention of her. I find myself a little bit disappointed by the statement. When Steven had mentioned he wanted to spend one last summer at Cousins before their wedding, I had gotten my hopes up, praying every day that she would come along. But it’s just Laurel and John…
"Yeah, it’s alright, already got Laurel’s room ready for them. Agnes is staying at the old guest bedroom, so everything seems to be according to plan.”
“So… talking about rooms. Do you think you could make space for one more person?”
My eyes opened, surprised by the question. Is this it? Could it mean? I look around her room, seeing if everything is in its place, or if I need to sort anything out. My heart is now beating a thousand miles per hour, probably. “… Yes.” I barely speak.
“Look, Con, I don’t want to make it awkward. I had mentioned it to Jere a few weeks ago, and he was completely fine with having her there, but if it’s too much for you, I don’t want to pressure it. I spoke to Belly, and she was on board with going there for two weeks.” There it was. My eyes lit up. Was it excitement or nervousness? I didn’t know. I frantically pace around the room.
“No, no, no, it’s perfect, I swear, I’m good, I mean, it’s okay…” I take a deep breath. “Her room is clean and available, and I already changed the sheets, so she is more than welcome to come, I swear.”
“Her room is clea… You know what? I’m not even going to question it. We’ll be leaving today in about two hours, so we should arrive sometime during the afternoon.” He says, and I simply smile. “See ya there, bro”
“See ya.”
The call ends, and I just fall into bed in disbelief. She’s coming. She’s finally coming, I’m going to see her. I take my hand to my chest while looking at the wallpapers my mom once insisted on ordering from France, blue her favourite colour, the colour of the sea and shores of this town that meant so much to all of them. Seeing her… I’m going to see her. All the feelings that I once tried to bury were coming to me like a wave. I felt my heart still racing, like I didn’t know how to react to that information. I keep rubbing my chest, hoping it will ease my heartbeat. That was the effect she had on me, even after all these years, even if I hadn’t seen her in that long.
I was so in a trance with my feelings that I failed to hear the footsteps coming up the stairs.
“Hey, Con, I just finished with the pool. I think we just need to go buy some chlorine…” Jeremiah stops once he looks to the hallway and sees the open room, now standing at the entrance and looking at me, still sitting on her bed, hand just now leaving my chest. “What are you doing there?” he slowly asks.
“Hum…” I get up, forcing us out of the room and closing the door behind me, leaving no trace of the small panic I had just felt. “Sorry, Steven called, asked to get Belly’s room ready also, she’s coming”
I look at my brother’s face, waiting for any kind of reaction, but he just smiles. “So, they manage to argue back with Isabel Conklin. Steven had mentioned a few weeks ago, but they were afraid she was going to tell them no,” he laughs. We never spoke about her. Even though with everything from the wedding behind us, we still don’t talk about her, probably got used to it being a taboo topic in our relationship. “Con…” he says, slowly approaching. “Have you guys spoken? You know? These past years?”
“Yes, of course.” I quickly answer.
“Spoken for more than thirty seconds twice a year?” I go from looking at him to avoiding his eyes. “Look… I know it’s going to be weird, and probably complicated, but for Christ’s sake, don’t fuck this up for Steven and Taylor, ok? The same is going to apply to her. You both can deal with your bullshits after, but right now don’t bring anything up for them, this isn’t about Belly or you, ok? And please don’t make things awkward.”
I close my mouth and swallow. “I’m not. I swear.” Why did I say that? I didn’t know if it was going to be true. I didn’t know how I was going to react when I saw her for the first time in four years. Jeremiah is still looking at me; it’s easier for him. He’s the one who was supposed to get married to her, and it’s easier for him… funny… ironic.
He turns around. “Are you coming with me to buy the chlorine?”
“Yes, I’ll be downstairs in a few.”
Jere goes back up the stairs, and I just stand there. Put your feelings locked, Conrad. No matter what, don’t let them ruin anything for Steven and Taylor. It’s going to be two long weeks.
Belly
After having breakfast, I followed Beck into his room, my hands holding each other, trying to stop the shaking from the nerves. We had spoken to him about spending two weeks at Lucinda’s, to which he happily answered yes. Lucinda was the unofficial aunt; he loved going there and spending the day with her because Lucinda being Lucinda just gave him the attention he loved. She would open her hand to anything that child asked.
Grabbing a sports bag, he was enthusiastically choosing all the clothes and toys to take. I think this whole ordeal was harder for me than for him. I mean, two weeks away seemed like an eternity for me; he just thought of two weeks in Funland. He was bringing his chosen clothes while I folded them inside the bag, asking him to pick up only summer clothes after he started to choose a winter coat to take, I don’t think he would need that. The same drama was applying to his toys, since he wanted to take them all, but we both settled on Mister Rexie and a few smaller ones.
Once we close his bag, ready to go, he looks at me. “Mommy, are you sad?” he asks. I look in his tiny little face, a smile forcing himself unto my face.
“No baby, it’s just… I’ve never been away from you… It’s going to be hard, but you’re such a big boy now…” I try to keep my tears away. I couldn’t bring myself to talk. I felt like I was leaving him behind.
“It’s ok, mommy. I’ll have lots of fun with Lulu, and you’ll have lots of fun with Auntie and uncle and granny and grandpa.” He’s now holding my face, similar to what he does every morning, using his tiny hands to force a big smile. “I want you to have fun, and play a lot, and swim a lot…” He kept rumbling about all the things he wanted me to do. I feel like he knew, even if he was a tiny little human, that I needed this. I never left him. I refused to go out with friends because I didn’t want to leave him. I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself because everything I did, I did it based on him.
I had explained everything to Lucinda. All the precautions she needed to have. The major one is just being in control of his asthma attacks, which he started having a few months ago. I think that was my biggest worry, because I didn’t know how he would deal with the summer weather, since it’s not a condition equal to everybody. My biggest fear is what if something happened and I wasn’t here?
We go to my room, grab my bag, and just leave the house with my parents. Once at Lucinda’s, Beck quickly runs to his provisional room to leave Mister Rexie to rest while we load Taylor and Steven’s stuff into the trunk of my parents’ car. Taylor was just there waiting for her mother to stop talking to Steven about the new plan for the salon she was making, while Beck returned from inside the house, running straight to my arms.
I hugged him so tight, and still here, I didn’t want to leave.
“I’ll be okay mommy.” He says one last time. I look at him, giving him the biggest kiss on the cheek. “I love you to the moon and back, mommy.”
“I love you to the moon and back, baby.” Beck leaves my arms to go say goodbye to everyone else, and I just think once again about how grown he looks. He’s not the hopeless baby I once held in my arms; he’s becoming his own person, creating his own personality, one that is too similar to someone so close to him that he never met.
When I get into the car’s backseat alongside Steven and Taylor a feel tears running down my face and quickly wipe them. On the outside, there stands Lucinda and Beck, he with a big smile and waving goodbye. It was just two weeks, fourteen days away, it would be something quick. Now we go, go back to that place, go back to what once I called paradise… go back to where he is.