Chapter Text
Concern and worry flashes across her face, and I wonder if this is the same stranger who scowled at me an eternity and a now and a yesterday ago. I’m exhausted. But it was at that moment where I threw the fodder from my mouth to the ground that I realised something. For what reason does the stranger do these things to me other than pleasure? There must be some sort of pleasure in these acts. Pleasure… pleasure… 즐거움… What kind of pleasure, how it felt, or even how it came from such acts was a mystery to me. I could not discover it, I surmised, without doing such acts myself. But that would be a bother. Despite my general disinterest with everything else, I found myself unexpectedly engrossed in that joy which I could not know. Perhaps, I thought, if the opportunity ever arises I would do research into this 즐거움.
As I mulled over this, she led me into the forest. I felt that she could kill me here, and nobody would know. I think to myself for a moment and realise that I could die at any time and it’s likely nobody would realise. Such is my existence. I think to myself that perhaps dying here would not be all that bad. I am tired, and would appreciate the rest. She took a seat at the end of the pier and I stood next to her, at least until she grabbed my wrist and pulled me down.
“So, Sunny…”
It disturbed me that this stranger knew my name. I was almost shocked into movement. Almost.
“What’s… Like, just, what? Why? What’s happened to you? Where have you been all this time?”
Another deluge of questions. But this time she spoke with pity. It was a lot less accusatory. I still could not find myself comfortable with them, though.
“I’ve been in my room.”
“The whole time? You haven’t left it for thr—four years straight?”
I nod. She placed her palm to her temple and seemed to push it in until she was leaning back. Her expression seemed utterly lost. I understood somewhat how she felt. She was an outsider being introduced to the inside world. As I am an insider being introduced to the outside world. Such things do not overlap.
“So, like—have you been eating? And your—Yeah wait, you said your dad was dead?”
I shrug.
“I ate when I felt I needed to. And I had found my father hanging from the ceiling one day. Such as it was.”
She looked at me with a stare that held a million questions. I did not want to answer more, but it’d be a bother if I didn’t. I could not understand why she wanted to understand me so completely. I did not flood her with questions.
“Okay…”
She breathed deeply.
“You at least remember who I am though, right, Sunny?”
I stared at her blankly. I didn’t know how I was to respond. The streets and houses and food were all as familiar to me as she was. Her face falls before she speaks again.
“Sunny, it’s me. Aubrey. Remember? We used to play together as kids? With Basil and Kel?”
The names she throws at me roll over my mind and tumble to the floor. I do not remember these hypothetical strangers, either.
“Hero! Mari! We had picnics together, don’t you remember?! You—you helped me find my sh—”
“I remember Mari.”
How could I forget? She was my sister after all. Though not by choice, I suppose. I didn’t have any particular feelings about Mari. I hung her. I remember that. As for why, I do not remember. It was simply something that happened. A stale memory in my head. A remnant of when I, too, was part of the outside world. It’s all that’s left of the outside world. A blemish or scar upon my skin. Mari’s gone now, so any feelings I could have for her don’t matter, I think to myself.
“Well—of course you do, but—”
She seemed deeply agitated. I did not understand why. I could not understand what I had said that would offend the stranger. Or was it Aubrey? Aubrey. No matter how many times I repeat it, the name seems unfamiliar. Aubrey brought herself to her feet. I felt I needed to mirror the action.
“So what? You locked yourself in your room day and night and just forgot about the rest of us? Was it nice? Living in your own little bubble? Forgetting about the rest of us in your little paradise?”
I could not tell if these were questions she wanted me to answer. I mean, questions are meant to be answered, right? I nod tentatively.
She scoffed.
“What?”
I shrug.
“It was nice. Is nice. My room is nice.”
She seemed almost shocked by my words before reeling herself back in.
“You’re a fucking psycho. So none of it mattered to you? Us? Your friends? The time we spent together? After that you just stopped thinking of us entirely?”
I shrugged again and accompanied it with a nod. She looked disgusted. I didn’t find myself or my words disgusting.
“Don’t you care at all about what we went through? The fact that we suffered while you were sitting up in your room like none of it mattered in the slightest? Wait—do you… Do you even care that Mari killed herself?”
Mari didn’t kill herself, I thought to myself. But whatever, I suppose. I shook my head. I had no cares in the world.
Shock rocked through my head and I almost fell to the ground before I caught myself. Was it lightning? An earthquake? Divine retribution? I look at her. Ah, no, I thought. She had punched me. It was an interesting experience. And it looked as if it wouldn’t be my only time.
“What the fuck is wrong with you! Mari—your sister… And you—! You—!”
I opened my mouth to explain myself, but she interrupted me by punching me again. I began to think I was too tired to hold myself steady after every one. I planned to just let the next one take me to the ground.
“You left us all behind! Didn’t even think about us! Just abandoned us like we were trash! Why! Doesn’t any of it matter to you?! To anybody?! Anybody but me?!”
I was moved once more, and this time I had let myself be carried by the force. But, there was no ground under me. I thought to myself that I am a bit foolish. Not a bit. Really foolish. First I chase birds. And then I forget we were on a pier. I sank into the water like a stone. A 바둑 stone.
The world grows quiet; sound, numb. The way that it is with water. And being submerged. I wonder as to why this ‘feels’ familiar. I ‘feel’ something well up within me like the bubbles in my plaster walls. But it remains elusive to me. Like birds. And also like the bubbles within my plaster walls.
I think to myself that perhaps I was right. I really was to be killed in this forest. Killed? Is this a murder? Murder is disagreeable. People struggle when they are murdered. I speak from experience. I find this act of dying more or less agreeable. I am to die in this forest.
I open my eyes and rays of sunlight shoot down from above. Above? Is there any up or down in water? I ‘feel’ inverted. Like I have fallen into a mirror. Up is down and down is up. Light pierces through and dissipates into the water around me.
I am floating. My mind ‘feels’ notably clear. Like there has been some haze clouding it for so long that has finally passed over. I am suspended but I am also ‘unfeeling’. Suspended? I don’t ‘feel’ so. No. I don’t ‘feel’ anything. That’s what it means to be ‘unfeeling’, I think. I do not ‘feel’ suspended. Kind of. The ‘feeling’ of being suspended is the ‘feeling’ of the lack of ‘feeling’ grounded. 감각. 감정.
감각. 감정. Feeling. 감각. Feeling. 감정. Sensation. 감각. Emotion. 감정. Feeling. Feeling. 감각. 감정. Unfeeling. These things… 그러나 그것들은 내가 잠이 드는 것과 동시에 내 방에 담겨서 철철 넘치는 그 흐늑흐늑한 공기 에 다 비누처럼 풀어져서 온데간데없고, 한잠 자고 깨인 나는 속이 무명헝겊이나 메밀껍질로 띵띵 찬 한 덩어리 베개와도 같은 한 벌 신경이었을 뿐이고 뿐이고 하였다.
What does it mean to be ‘unfeeling’. What does it mean to be ‘feeling’. What does it mean to ‘feel’. A million questions whirl through my head. How I know this, I don’t know. I am floating. How I know this, I don’t know. I am there. How I know this, I don’t. I am not there. I don’t know this.
Someone’s there. A shadow is cast upon me. And something bubbles up. How I know this? Because even under plaster, the bubbles still push up. I run my fingers over them. Feeling. Feeling. Wood veneer. Plaster. Glass. Plain wood. How is it feeling? How is it 감각? How is it 감정?
Ah, is it maybe her eyes? I try to see my face. It’s hard. I try to see my face. It’s not clear. But there’s something there. Ah. But it’s her eyes? I can’t be sure of this. Research. I must do 연구. I must do 조사.
The mirror is there. I gaze into it. Nyctalopia.
I dissolve into the bubbles around me. Each bubble grabs a part of me. A crumb. And in these bubbles and in the large great mirror there shines a single ray of light. This has happened before, I remember. A bubble pops.
Diving. We were trying to dive. And then there was a spider. I remember now. I was afraid of spiders and drowning before. Why am I not anymore? Mari saved me. From fear? Or just from drowning? What does it ‘feel’ like to be afraid? What is the 감각 or 감정 of fear?
I am not afraid of death. I never was. Maybe. So why was I afraid of heights and the water and the spiders?
We? There was a we. There was… A gentle voice, but his insistence on yesterday and proximity was a bother. A heart of excitement, but his anticipation of tomorrow and pleasure was a bother. And…
I remember the girl. Like I remember Mari. I don’t have any particular ‘feelings’ towards both. I don’t have any particular ‘feelings’ towards any of them. Bothersome, maybe, but everything is. Their memories are distorted and opaque and unclear. Like I am seeing them through water. I am seeing them through water.
I am in water. I’ve forgotten to breathe, I realise. Silly me. But I can’t breathe. Silly me. How do you breathe again? I don’t remember. I don’t even need to breathe. Silly me. There’s light. I think. I don’t know where it’s coming from.
There’s also someone there.
Knock knock! I called out: I’m not there!
Knock knock! I say again: I am nowhere to be found!
Knock knock! I word mouthlessly: Who’s there!
Knock knock!
It’s the sun!
What does the sun look like? Why do you ask me? Because I’m named after it? But I’m not? You can’t ask me things I don’t know. I don’t know anything. You can’t ask me things. Please stop. I shut the door. I return to my room.
It’s white. That’s about it, I muse. There’s a broken lightbulb hanging from oblivion. Other than that, there’s white. I pull my bedding quilt over myself and go to sleep.
It’s white. It’s still white. The lightbulb is still there. Such things don’t change. The lightbulb is translucent. Or what’s left of it, I suppose.
It’s white. I pull down the bedding quilt. And there’s a door. Oh god, I think to myself. Doors are meant to be opened. I am thankful at the very least that there is no outside.
Knock knock! I take a few steps.
Knock knock! I place my hand on the doorknob.
Knock knock! I think it’s such a bother.
Knock knock! I step back.
Knock knock!
It’s a stranger!
It was my knuckles on the door this time.
I opened my eyes. I was nothing more than a mere congestion of a nervous system, a lump like a pillow stuffed with buckwheat husks or cotton shreds. A groan escaped my lips, and my eyes opened to see a stranger’s face far too close to mine. No. Aubrey’s face. She’s changed, I thought to myself. She pulled back, bringing another stranger’s face into my view. Ah… He too was someone I remembered.
Kel? These names were unfamiliar to me. Familiar, yet unfamiliar. Kel, Kel, Kel, Kel Kel Kel Kel Kel… I rolled his name off my tongue. It lost all meaning quickly. I noticed that they were saying something. Noise bounced off my head at all angles. Loud noise. They were shouting. Aubrey looked… Agitated? Embarrassed? Fed up? I wasn’t sure. It was some sort of mixture of these emotions. Maybe. She just looked to be in great emotional turmoil.
Kel was clearly frustrated, though. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up. I keep on finding myself being led by my wrist. I just wished to return to my room. Aubrey and Kel share more words and lively exaggerations before Kel pulls me out of the forest and back into the clearing. He started speaking to me and I struggled to organise myself into a state ready to take in and process his words.
“Hey, Sunny, are you alright? It’s been so long, man! I can’t believe that after all this time, Aubrey would do that to you! Let’s just get you, like—uh—”
I came to realise I was soggy. Wet. Very wet. It made sense once I had rationalised it. I was in water. I was also still very, very tired. His energy served only to further wear on my nerves.
“I need to return home.” was all I could mutter out.
“Oh! Well, alright! I can’t really blame you, I mean… Yeah! Let’s catch up sometime, alright man? And let me know if Aubrey’s causing you any more trouble! I promise you, I’ll send her running!”
I nod numbly. He then pulled me into a hug and I felt as if I were being strangled.
“Good to see you after so long, man. Next time open the door for me, wouldya? Now, I gotta run to HOBBEEZ, I'm running a bit late on something, but you know where to find me!”
The outside world ground me into dust. With a sheepish scratch to his head, he left like a storm, and I felt as if I were a house turned to rubble in its wake. Perhaps I was already a corpse. I thought I would shamble like one, but to my surprise I found I could still walk. Thus, my bare feet carried me home once more. Bare and numb. I walked.
I returned to my home. The door was still locked. But there were other things awaiting me. A nailed bat and a red box with a white cross. My legs ached unbearably. My heart pounded heavily. I had not noticed it while I was walking, but I was out of breath. Cold sweat stood out on my back. I regretted that I had gone out. I wanted a long, sound, sleep, forgetting all this fatigue. I wanted a good, long sleep. Despite myself, though…
With both objects in hand, I trudged back to the forest.
I was to do 연구. 조사.
I was to look into 즐거움.