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Frank Langdon knows three things to be completely and unshakably true in his life:
- His children were the best things to ever happen to him.
- If he could go back in time, he would have run away from home at 18.
- He is not going to jump off the roof of the VA (or any roof for that matter).
He knows he will never do it. Somewhere deep down in his bones, the constant want fights against the constant aversion to the idea of it. Most days he never makes it this close, never climbs the stairs, never opens the medicine cabinet.
On the bad days he opens a bottle or gets to the roof before the aversion wins and he turns around.
On the really bad days, like today, he has a handful of meds and a foot on the ledge.
But still he never does it.
He stands there for a while, usually a few minutes to an hour. Long enough for his legs to cramp or to get a call from someone. Then he carefully funnels the pills back into the bottle or makes his descent back to solid ground.
There’s always shame in the return, in the realization of how close he’s come, in his ability to snap out of it so quickly. He was good at compartmentalizing it all. He could go weeks, months, without a bad day. And after he was done dangling his lifeline over a fire, he was back to the man those around him knew: Dr. Frank Langdon, fourth year resident at PTMC’s emergency department, father of two, ex-husband of one, former addict, West Point graduate, and army veteran.
He knows it’s important that he stays alive. His kids are the biggest reason, he doesn’t want them to go without a father. He’s sure the hospital could always find a new resident, filling his spot as easily as Abby had. But he needs to live. He needs to prove that he can live.
Today has been a bad day though. He’d gotten an invite to Abby’s wedding in the Spring and in his spiral he’d showed up to the VA for counseling on the wrong day. So he found himself on the roof, not quite on the ledge, but past the railing and close enough to hear the traffic below.
He takes a deep breath, preparing himself to turn around and once again take the familiar path down the flights of stairs, when he hears the door to the roof open and a voice softly exclaim “oh!”
Frank doesn’t turn around, assuming they would just turn around and leave him alone, that was what had happened a couple times before anyways.
“Um, sir? Can I ask you to come on the other side of the railing?” It’s a woman’s voice, closer than she was before. “It’s really not safe to stand that close…are you okay?”
She’s almost directly behind him now, close enough that she could grab him if he made a wrong move.
“Yeah, I’m uh- I’m fine. Sorry, just getting some fresh air.” His voice is rough as he speaks, but he takes a step back, then another, and another. He turns to find a woman already looking at him. She has a single blonde braid, but some hair has escaped it and is streaking across her face from the wind. He realizes, somewhere in the back of his mind, that she’s wearing a doctor’s badge, matching her pair of black scrubs. Behind her glasses is an expression filled with concern and worry and it takes him a moment to process that it’s directed toward him.
“Ok…” She looks unsure of herself. “Sorry I just thought…nevermind. If you need anything we have a lot of resources downstairs, really whatever you need.”
“Yeah, I know. I come here a lot. I’ve never seen you around though.” Frank knows his tone is a little rude and he doesn’t mean for it to be. In his defense, he wasn’t really expecting company during his roof time.
“Oh, that makes sense. I’m new. Melissa King, but everyone calls me Mel.” She sticks her hand out for him to shake. His is cold and rough, hers is warm and rough, both the hands of a doctor.
“Frank Langdon. You a uh- a resident here?” His tone is softer now, less guarded.
“For the time being.” Her smile is bright, a welcome contrast to the grey sky around them.
“What year?”
“First year.”
“Ah, congrats. How are you liking residency?”
“It’s…nice. I haven’t really figured out what specialty I want to settle into yet, but I’m getting there.”
“Fair enough, it’s a tough decision.” He looks back out at the skyline. “It’s a nice view isn’t it?”
“Wha- oh yes, yeah I come up here sometimes just to think.” She turns as well and they’re close to being shoulder to shoulder, only their height difference and the metal railing dividing them.
“Hey, me too. We should start a club for roof thinkers.” He glances over to see her face scrunched up slightly, as if deciphering his words.
“I can’t tell if you’re joking.” Her eyes remain fixed on the buildings in front of them, so he follows her gaze outwards.
“I was, but not if you’re actually in.” Frank’s face warms for a moment, and he can’t remember the last time he was nervous about being rejected. Mel's laugh is warm and bright like her hands and smile.
“That sounds nice, but not out in this cold. We’re both going to get windburn if we’re out here much longer.” She shivers as if to prove her point, stepping back from the grip her hands had found on the metal between them. “Come on, doctor’s orders.”
Frank bites back a laugh, tongue pressing into his cheek to stifle it.
“Yeah alright, I’m coming.”
→→→→
It’s not long before their meetings become more regular, usually happening after his counseling sessions. They fall into an easy routine, chatting and catching up during the breaks Mel can steal from her shift. Some days one of them is missing, but they’re always there the following week. Mel’s excuses usually come from a walk-in coming in in bad shape and needing all hands on deck. Frank’s usually come from an emergency pickup if Abby can’t, or a sporadic soccer game that he promised Tanner and Penny he’d attend. (He doesn’t tell her that sometimes he’s called onto shift, he doesn’t know why.) But they make it work.
Frank tells her about his kids. Mel tells him about her twin sister Becca. They talk about everything and nothing, barely veering into their personal lives, only discussing the people so intrinsic to their own beings that to know each other is to learn about them along the way. He doesn’t want to make that jump first, and it seems that she doesn’t either. So they settle into joking arguments about coffee shops and pizza places instead.
He barely registers the fact that he hasn’t had a bad day, or a really bad day, since meeting her, dismissing the passing thought. Correlation vs causation and all of that.
It isn’t until almost two months into their friendship (aquantaince? companionship?) that they fully open up. It’s a rare night, one where neither of them have obligations to get to (Mel has clocked out and Abby has the kids), so they don’t feel the weight of time on their conversation.
“Do you mind me asking why you enlisted?” Mel’s voice cuts through the previous lapse in conversation. They’re both sitting against the railing, so he doesn’t turn to look at her, realizing how close they would be if he did.
“My dad was a big military guy. He did two tours, and his dad served, and so did his dad. It was sort of just expected that I would join up. I convinced him to settle for West Point since I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life and I at least wanted to go to college.” He thinks of ending it there, but continues anyway. “So I graduated and went into active duty. I was never in combat, but I uh- I injured my back in training. I know, super heroic right?”
He pauses for a moment, giving her the opportunity to interrupt, or change the subject to something lighter. Instead he can see her look at him in the periphery of his vision, waiting for him to continue.
“While I was at West Point, I met my ex wife, she went to a school nearby and we met at a bar one weekend. She insisted we get married right after graduation, and my parents pushed for it, so we had a courthouse wedding before I went active duty. It was easy, simple. Then I got injured, so I came back and it was fine for a while. Then it got bad, I uh- I got addicted to Benzos prescribed to me to treat my pain. But I’m clean now, I have been for almost 5 years. But Abby, she was convinced that kids would fix us, so we tried. As you can imagine, that didn’t work very well. We got a divorce about 2 years ago, split custody, and she’s getting remarried in the spring.”
“I’m…I’m so sorry Frank.” Mel’s voice is quiet when she eventually speaks. He just shrugs.
“When I lay it all out like that it sounds pretty bad. But I’ve come to terms with it…mostly.” He nudges her shoulder with his, desperately trying to instill a lightheartedness back into the air. When that doesn’t seem to work, he continues, “I’m so sorry for putting that all on you. You didn’t ask for all of that and we barely know each other-”
“That’s not true.”
“What?”
“You said we barely know each other. I don’t think that’s true. I mean I know your life story now…Do you want to know mine?” She twists her fingers together in her lap, eyes fixed somewhere in the distance.
“Yes.” His answer comes immediately, as easy as exhaling.
“My mother died when I was in undergrad from a malignant pheochromocytoma, my father was in an accident when I was young. I worked to get Becca and I a place to stay and eventually graduated. I went to med school working two jobs to pay for school and rent and help. I graduated from med school and went into residency, I’ve mentioned before but Becca stays at a care facility most days, which helps a lot. I’m so scared of messing it all up though, like one wrong move and this could all collapse.” Mel presses her hands to her chest tight, turning to look at the side of his head. “Now you can’t say we barely know each other.”
Frank can’t imagine the weight that’s been put upon her already in life. He sees it in her actions, the care she’s used to showing to other people. He sees it in her face, the lines on her face from worry and stress. He sees it in her words, the way she speaks sometimes, with weariness beyond her years. It all just makes her more breathtaking.
“Good. I like knowing you Mel.” His words are barely a whisper, but he can tell she’s heard them by the way she turns back to the skyline. Then, almost imperceptibly, she shifts closer, her hand on the ground coming to brush his, her shoulder a whisper away from his.
“I like knowing you too.” She closes the distance, shoulder pressed to him, pinkie overlapping his.
Frank can’t believe he hasn’t scared her away yet.
He’s terrified that he will.
→→→→
“You look good kid,” Jack says, coming to stand next to Frank as he looks at the board.
“Uh, thank you?” Frank pushes his hair back out of his eyes, turning to look at the man for a moment. Jack has a tendency to talk in these cryptic sentences sometimes and has the ability to make anything sound like both a compliment and accusation.
“You been sleeping more?” Jack smiles at Dana as she hands him his water bottle from behind the desk, taking a long drink from it.
“Yes sir.” It’s easy to slip back into old habits with Abbot. It’s even easier to feel small around him. He doesn’t tell him that he’s actually been sleeping less, too busy with rooftop rendezvous and selfish dreams that leave him warm and sleepless.
Sure they both served and sure they both walked away with injuries. But Frank’s was a bad fall on a training course while Abbot’s had been in combat. He knew the older man held no grudge against him for it, but he always felt a little guilty and shameful after their conversations.
Robby was always trying to get them to bond, offering to call Jack whenever Frank treated a vet, or sending him to check on Frank when he could. He didn’t have the heart to tell either man that he saw Abbot as more of a drill sergeant than a comrade.
“Well whatever you’re doing, keep it up, you’re killing it with your patients, man.” Jack claps him on the shoulder and pivots before Frank can respond. That’s how Frank truly knew he was doing a good job, because Abbot didn’t dole out praise often.
“He’s right.” Dana stands a few feet away, looking at him over the top of her reading glasses that he teased her about a few years ago, which she responded to with a swift “fuck off”.
“What?”
“He’s right about you looking better. It’s like you’ve gotten some life back in you.” She snaps her gum and hands him a Redbull from behind the desk. “Now go save some lives.”
→→→→
It’s a really bad day. The first one he’s had in a while, so it hits him out of nowhere. He’s at work when a trauma comes in, a suicide attempt that quickly turns into a completion. They can’t keep up with the blood loss that comes pouring out of the man and Robby calls it at 3:35 pm.
Frank isn’t put in charge of contacting the family, which he’s grateful for once he sees the veteran ID card that Collins pulls out of the man’s wallet. It’s only then that he truly looks at him, realizing with a start that he knew him.
He’d been so concerned with his wrists and compressions and blood that he barely glanced at his face, his face that was now slack and expressionless. The two weren’t friends by any means, but he’d seen him at the VA a few times, always exchanging pleasantries or chatting briefly about the weather.
His hands are shaking and he feels like he’s going to vomit at any second, so he bolts from the room, ducking into the empty stairwell to try and breathe. The door behind him opens and he doesn’t dare turn to let whoever it is see his shame on full display.
“Frank. Is everything okay?” Robby’s voice is steadying, acting like an anchor in his turmoil.
Pull it together.
“Yeah man, all good, just needed a minute.” His voice is shaky and he can picture the eye roll Robby probably did at his statement, immediately detecting his bullshit.
“Alright. That’s fine, I was just wondering since you ran out of there like your ass was on fire.” Frank clenches and unclenches his fists a few times. “Look, I’m gonna send you home, okay?”
“No, I want to stay, I want to work.” Frank turns around and seals his fate in doing so. Robby’s face falls at the tears in his eyes and he knows he won’t listen now.
“Go home Frank.” Robby puts a hand on his shoulder and all he can think is off off off. He brushes him off.
“Please, I swear it won’t affect my work, just please let me stay.”
“Frank, you need to take some time. You can sit in the break room until your shift is over, or go to the VA, or call Jack, but you cannot work right now.”
“Robby, please.”
“Go home Frank.” Robby’s face is weary as he looks at him, showing a mixture of concern and disappointment that makes his skin crawl.
“Fine. I’ll go, you clearly don’t need me here anyways.”
“That’s not-”
Frank shoulders past him and swings the door open before he can hear the end of Robby’s sentence. He hears Dana call his name, but he ignores it, grabbing his things from his locker and bursting out of the exit with purpose.
The drive is a blur and soon enough he’s shouldering open the door to the roof of the VA. He knows he shouldn’t, he knows he should heed Mel’s warning, but he passes the railing. He doesn’t stop there though, opting to push himself onto the ledge, wincing as his back twinges in doing so. The ledge (which he’s come to know well) is wide, leaving him another step to truly be at the edge.
The sky around him is grey and dark, a stark contrast to the city below him which is alive with light. It feels like a fitting atmosphere for his current contemplation.
He wonders who would care, who would cry. Sure his coworkers would miss him, Abby might grieve, his kids would be upset. But they’d get over it. A new resident would fill his place, Abby has her fiance Adam, and he can replace him as a father.
Frank knows deep down that these thoughts are untrue. That doesn’t make them any easier to dispel. That’s why he does this. It’s better up here, it gives him relief.
If he could do his life again, he would run away from home at 18. 18 was when he lost control over his life, leading to a downward spiral from there. He didn’t want to join the military, but he did. He didn’t really want to marry Abby, but he did. He didn’t want to end up an addict, but he did.
This gives him control. It allows him to hold his own life in his hands, even just for a moment. For a moment, he gets to choose, he gets to make the calls, he gets to-
“Frank?”
He closes his eyes at her voice. He hadn’t even considered that she could find him up here, find him doing this.
“Frank?” Mel’s voice is louder. She sounds closer, she sounds scared. “Someone said they saw someone come up here.”
“I’m getting deja vu here doc.” He chokes out the words, unsure for whose benefit the joke is for.
“Frank, please get down.”
He feels her hand reach up to his, clasping it firmly. Her hand is warm and the contact sends a shiver through him.
Frank lets her guide him down to solid ground, not stopping there as she continues to tug until they’re both behind the safety railing. He’s about to open his mouth to do what? Explain? Justify it somehow?
Before he even gets the chance to open his mouth, Mel’s arms are around him. She’s warm and holding him so tight that he thinks he might crack a rib, but it’s enough to open the floodgates that he’s been holding back.
He clutches her back just as tightly, shoving his face into her neck as he feels his tears smear across her skin.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I swear I wouldn't, I promise, Mel you gotta believe, I promise. Please, I’m sorry.” Frank murmurs into her skin as if his words are an atonement and he is a sinner being held by a saint.
Her hand has come to hold the back of his head as she murmurs back into his ear.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re okay. You’re here, you’re safe, I’ve got you.” Mel’s voice is soft, quieting his cries.
His breathing slows and his sobs dampen into hiccups as feels his shame rise in him once more, this time tenfold. She shouldn’t be here, and he tells her as much, but she refutes him.
“Of course I’m here.” Their foreheads are connected now, breathing into each other’s space. Like maybe she can breathe some of her goodness into him somehow.
They stay like that for a long while, long enough for the sky to grow darker and air to grow colder. Mel is the first to pull away, smoothing his hair back from his face, extricating herself from his arms.
“C’mon.” She pulls at him, guiding him to the door. “Let’s get something to eat.”
It’s not until she’s driven them to a nearby late-night dinner and they’ve settled into a booth with twin cups of coffee that they truly speak again.
“So…” Mel trails off, giving him the floor.
“So.” He does not want the floor.
“Frank.” Her glare is stern, but he knows it’s out of worry, he knows that look.
“Look, I wasn’t going to do anything. I just…do that sometimes.”
“And what is that?” She puts quotations around “that” with her fingers, waiting for his explanation.
“I don’t know Mel. Ok? I- I don’t know.” He stares into the cup of coffee in front of him, looking at his rippling reflection staring back at him. “It’s like- like there’s all these little choices right? And I get to choose to drink my coffee or not. Or I get to choose which shoes to wear every day. But sometimes I don’t get to make decisions and- and it feels like my life isn’t my own, like maybe it’s never been. I didn’t want to go to West Point, I didn’t want to get married, but I also didn’t want to get divorced. I didn’t want to injure my back, I didn’t want to become an addict, I didn’t even want kids until I had them, but now I can’t imagine my life without them.
“The point is, so much of my life happened to me. It was done to me. I can’t go back and change those things, but every day I get to choose this one big thing, the biggest thing anyone can choose. I choose to keep going, even when I don’t want to.”
When Frank looks up, Mel is looking down, her hands in her lap.
“I think you need help Frank.”
“I have help I talk to-”
“You go to addiction recovery counseling. That’s not the same as seeing a psychiatrist who can prescribe you medication or help you talk through the rest of it.” One of her hands comes to cover his on the table. “I get where you’re coming from. Believe me, I do. When my mom passed and my life was derailed I fell into the same spiral. But it is a spiral. And I can’t bear the thought of you one day going with the other option.”
Frank flips his hand palm up to clasp hers.
“What if they can’t help me?”
“Then we figure it out.”
I don’t deserve her. Is the loudest thought in Frank’s mind as he looks at the woman in front of him. Even as their waiter brings them their food, even as she drives him back to pick up his car, even as she gives him a fierce hug goodbye and a napkin with her number on it.
I don’t deserve her.
→→→→
Frank’s first session ends with a recommendation for a Leave of Absence from residency and a prescription to pick up from his local pharmacy.
It isn’t easy to break the news to Abby, but she takes it in stride, telling him that she’ll do whatever she can to facilitate everything. He’s lucky to have her as his ex-wife and the mother of his children. Regardless of their issues as a couple, he truly can’t imagine coparenting with anyone else.
That same day he puts in his RSVP for her wedding, committing himself to still be around in nine months.
The first few sessions are hard. It’s hard to put his mind into words, like trying to translate some ancient text that comprises his being. There are awkward silences, long pauses of time that he just sits there, trying to decipher his own mind. Then it gets easier. He talks more in sessions, learns more about himself, he switches meds twice before they find something that helps. He also develops mild insomnia, but the other side effects aren’t terrible, so it’s a small trade off.
Eventually he gets to return to work. The transition back is hard, with rumors and gossip about his leave running wild. Some know the truth and check up on him with good intentions, while others stare at him like he’s a spooked animal. Dana does her best to shut down anything she hears, which according to her includes stories about him jumping in a river and/or having an illegitimate child (that helps explains why Mohan had told him “Congratulations!” earlier).
Robby checks in incessantly and even though Frank knows he means well, he just needs space. He tells Jack as much on the third time that Jack pulls him aside and tells him Robby sent him and to “act like we’re having a mature discussion about our feelings.” Surprisingly the message works, somewhat. Now he just gives him worried eyes across the room whenever a suicide or veteran comes in.
His saving grace through all of it is Mel. Mel who sends him funny videos of weird animal friendships and meets him for coffee on the weekends. Mel who checks in on him when she knows he just finished a therapy session and lets him tell her about his kids constantly.
Frank knows he doesn’t deserve the kindness she shows him, knows deep down that he shouldn’t be the person who gets to be around her and her goodness. But deep down, he is also selfish, and he takes whatever he can get.
He gets to meet Becca who is charming and funny and takes to him once he proves himself by bringing their favorite food and immediately agreeing to watch Elf. She sits in an armchair by the couch, mouthing along to the dialogue, while he and Mel take the loveseat. Her feet are tucked under one of his thighs and he keeps glancing over at her to see the light from the screen reflect across her face.
After Becca goes to bed that night, Mel turns to him, face suddenly serious.
“I’m not going to be at the VA anymore.” Her expression is expectant, like she’s waiting for him to break under her gaze.
“Okay. Where are you going?” Frank takes a sip of his water, letting her process the lack of reaction from him. He assumes that she expected more surprise from him, but he’d been expecting this. He’d recently progressed to being one of The Pitt’s senior residents, so he figured she was going to progress to being an R2 soon. If she wanted to do a rotation that the VA didn’t offer, then she’d end up somewhere else.
“Presby. I’m doing an emergency medicine rotation there. I’m excited, I think the fast pace could suit me.” Some of the tension leaves his body when she says Presby. Not that working with Mel wouldn’t be great but…well she doesn’t know he works at Pitt. It’s the one piece of himself he hasn’t told her and at this point he’s not really sure why, simply the belief that he’s dug himself too deep holding back his confession.
“I think it will. Suit you that is.” He says it with authority she doesn’t know he has. Mel will do well, he’s sure of that. “You’re a great doctor, Mel. You’ll do great wherever you go.”
The smile she gives him makes his face match and soon there’s a warmth in his chest, slowly spreading throughout his body.
“Really?” She tilts her head, seemingly surprised by his words. “Thank you.”
They hold eye contact for a moment while the light of the TV screensaver hits the side of her head, casting a purple glow across her. Frank thinks it makes her look like a work of art.
“I start next week, it’s a little bit out of the way from the new center that Becca’s trying, but it shouldn’t be too bad. I actually ranked PTMC as my top choice,” Mel begins to stand and collect their dishes while she continues to speak, missing Frank’s wide-eyed reaction. “It’s actually closer to here-”
I know, I drove here after work Frank thinks to himself.
“And Becca’s center would’ve been on the way, but I’m not too upset since Presby isn’t too much farther.”
Frank stands, collecting their trash and the rest of their dishes to bring to her. He places them in the dishwasher, earning himself a nod when he puts them in the right place according to Mel’s strict organization rules.
“That all sounds nice. I’m glad it worked out at least somewhat.” Frank moves to put his shoes on that have been parked by the door, also slipping his jacket back on as he prepares to leave. “I have the kids for part of this week, but maybe I could bring dinner after your first shift?”
“I’d like that a lot actually.” Mel is leaning against the counter, maybe 15 ft away, but it feels like an ocean between them. He can tell she’s anxious by the way she’s twisting her clasped hands in front of her, forming a pretzel-like shape.
“C’mere.” Frank gestures for her to come closer, not wanting to trek his shoes further into the apartment. She slowly steps closer, stopping in front of him, where he can see the furrow of her brow more clearly. “What’s going on in there?”
Mel shrugs, so he opens his arms, not encircling her but simply giving her the option. She leans forward, arms wrapped around herself, but her forehead coming to rest just under his collarbone. He wraps an arm around her shoulders and an arm around her back, resting his cheek atop her head.
“You’re gonna do great. I know change like this can be scary and I know you’ve had to go through so many changes and so much uncertainty alone.” One hand rubs up and down her back and he feels her begin to relax in his grasp. “You’re not alone though. I’ve got you okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
Frank turns his head to press his face into her hair, the smell of her lemon shampoo consuming his senses. She stays there for a long minute, but at the first movement to pull away, he releases her, allowing her to take a step back.
“Thank you.” She lets out a watery laugh. “I feel so stupid.”
“I think you’re the smartest person I know.” His voice is earnest and it makes her do her head titled smile of surprise again, something he wants to keep making her do as long as he can.
In a moment of selfish boldness, he leans forward, gently pressing his lips to her forehead. He only lets himself linger for a brief second, forcing himself to pull away and step back. Her gravity pulls against his action, like a ship trying to leave Earth’s atmosphere.
“Goodnight Mel. I’ll see you next week.” He opens the door behind him and steps into the hallway, taking one look at her before turning to leave.
“Goodnight Frank.”
→→→→
Frank’s morning routine is well practiced: Wake up at 5:30, physical therapy exercises, walk Bandit, shower, eat breakfast, leave for work by 6:15, get stuck in Pittsburgh traffic, settle in, grab a Redbull from the stash Dana keeps for him, and be ready for rounds by 7:00 AM.
His morning is off to a bad start though. He burnt his toast, tripped over a spare princess dress of Penny’s in the hallway, he accidentally dropped Bandit’s leash which sent him sprinting down the street after the dog, and traffic was just a little bit shittier than it usually was. It sends him speed walking in from the garage, tossing his things haphazardly in his locker, and leaning against the nurses station as he stretches his back out from the impromptu race against a goldendoodle.
“You okay kid?” Dana’s voice is accompanied by a can of Redbull appearing in front of him and he’s so grateful he could cry.
“Yeah, Bandit got away from me this morning on our walk. I think I tweaked my back running after him.”
“Remind me again why you thought it would be a good idea to get a dog?”
“The kids wanted it.” Frank cracks open the can and takes a long sip before adding, “plus the house gets a little lonely when they aren’t there. Not sure it’s totally worth the high dog walker fees I pay every time I work a long shift, but it’s better.”
“Alright you big softie.” Dana pats him on the shoulder before turning her attention to the approaching senior resident.
“Who left this mess?” Collins looks up at the board, gesturing at the haphazard organization above them.
“They had a rough night.” Dana attempts to placate her.
“Good morning, sunshine.” Frank greets her, taking another swig of his drink. He partly does it to annoy her, knowing she’s mysteriously quit caffeine cold turkey, even though they first bonded over their energy drink preferences. It works like a charm and she wrinkles her nose at him.
“You obviously haven’t seen this board.”
“Oh, we’ve seen worse. Nothing like a little challenge every now and then to keep everybody on their toes.” He can’t believe he’s the one trying to stay positive after the morning he’s had, but he tries nonetheless. His good mood is probably at least partially attributed to the fact that he gets to see Mel that night. They’d occasionally texted over the past week, mostly him sending random photos of the antics Penny and Tanner got up to, or drawings they’d bring home from kindergarten and first grade.
In the brief moment of peace before they launch into rounds, he pulls out his phone, shooting off a quick good luck text to her. She probably won’t see it until later, likely early to Presby and ready to go, but he hopes it makes her smile when she finally does.
Dana and Heather fall into idle chatter that he half pays attention to while studying the board looking at what he’ll be presenting for rounds and what they need to keep an eye on. Dana sends him to gather McKay and the newbies, returning to the desk and logging in the computer there. He’s vaguely aware of the group converging, two med students, an intern, and a R2 if memory serves. Dana hands him his forgotten drink and he flashes her a smile, grateful for her.
One of his early days here he’d lost a patient and she found him beating himself up in the stairwell. She didn’t speak, just folded him into her arms and rubbed his back until he calmed down. They’d never spoken of it since, but he knows to go to her when he needs it. (He’s also called her “mom” once or twice which is incredibly embarrassing each time, but she graciously laughs it off and sends him on his way with a matching “son”.)
He zones back in, just as Robby is starting to introduce the new faces.
“-fresh from the VA.”
“Everyone calls me Mel. I’m so happy to be here.” That causes his attention to snap over, looking at Mel who is now in his line of sight, no longer blocked by Robby. Her back is to him, blonde braid on full display. It knocks the air out of him, his stomach dropping at the realization of what is about to happen.
He doesn’t listen to the rest of the introductions, instead thinking of all the ways he could get out of this. It’s no use as a few seconds later, Robby introduces him and Collins as their senior residents.
Shit.
Mel turns around, face already pinched in confusion. A furrow in her brow, a scrunched up nose. The expression is so Mel that it makes his heart squeeze in his chest.
“Frank?” His name seems to leave her mouth without her permission, her hand coming up to cover it as soon as it does. Frank can see everyone looking between them, obviously curious as to how they know each other.
“Hi Mel.” His voice is sheepish, defeated. He tries to smile at her, but her expression of betrayal and confusion makes it hard.
“How do you two know each other?” Robby looks to him for an answer. An answer he doesn’t even truly know anymore.
He settles for a lie instead.
“We uh- we met while she was at the VA a few times, just kept running into each other. Welcome to The Pitt Dr. King.” Frank silently begs her to play along.
He’s once again reminded of just how undeserving he is of Melissa King.
“Yeah, thanks. It’s good to see you, Dr. Langdon.”
“Alright…let’s get going then.” Robby claps his hands, ushering them all into action.
→→→→
Frank successfully avoids her for the first couple hours. It’s painful to pull himself away, but he can’t imagine the alternative yet. By 9:00 AM they get paired together for a STEMI, Robby ordering them to work together as the only available residents. He hands her a pair of gloves with practiced ease, like he’s handing her the remote on his couch or the coffee he bought her.
They work in synchronous silence, only speaking for instructions or corrections. When they’re done, they part like magnets pulled in opposite directions, pairing back up with their typical pairs. Frank oscillates between working with Whitaker and Santos for most of the day. Whitaker vaguely reminds him of a wet cat at all times, which just sort of bums him out. On the other hand, Santos gets under his skin. They butt heads at times, but he begrudgingly respects her ambition, even if he’s frustrated by her personality.
Needless to say it’s not perfect. Working with Mel was perfect, not just because it was Mel, but because they flowed effortlessly. They just clicked, like they telepathically melded or something.
At 3:00 they’re paired together again after being two of the people who responded to the waiting room brawl. The woman they’re treating is pissing him off, partly because of her attitude about modern medicine, and partly because she’s clearly upsetting Mel.
When he tells her to take 20 in the lounge, her head snaps up, meeting his eyes with anger behind her expression.
“I don’t need a break.” The way her hands are twisted together tell him otherwise, but he knows she has a stubborn side, especially when it comes to her health and wellbeing.
“Please…Dr. King.” Frank’s voice is soft and he knows it’s an uncharacteristically tender moment for two coworkers, but it works as relents and leaves the room. He checks on Mr. Purnell, compliments Santos after Mohan deflects her attempt to give her the credit for their save, and gets cornered by Robby afterwards.
“What was that this morning?”
“What?” Frank freezes like a deer in headlights.
“With Dr. King? You guys have been avoiding each other all day unless necessary.” Robby sighs. “If there’s something happening in my ER that is going to affect us all, I need to know about it Frank.” The weariness on Robby’s face is evident as he looks at him. He doesn’t want to give him anything else to worry about, knowing that Robby already worries about him constantly.
“I think we were both just caught off guard. At the VA she was a doctor and I was a patient, even if she didn’t ever treat me. But we’ll talk.” Hopefully she’ll listen is the part he doesn’t voice.
“Alright. Speaking of her, where’s Mel?”
“She’s taking a breather.”
“Yeah. Well go find her and see if you can get her back up and running, okay? You’re senior leadership here.” Robby claps a warm hand on his shoulder before giving him a gentle push away.
“On it boss.”
Frank walks to the lounge, rehearsing his groveling and apologies the whole way. The sight of Mel petting Mr. Purnell’s dog on the floor makes him smile, forgetting their situation for a moment. He takes his place on the floor by her side, easing himself down onto the tile gently.
“So, how you doing?” He’s already shit at this.
“Um, good. Better.” She won’t even look at him.
“Look I’m-”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a doctor?” Mel still doesn’t look at him as she cuts him off, gaze fixed firmly on Crosby in front of her.
“It never came up?” Frank winces both inwardly and outwardly as he says it, immediately regretting it.
At least that gets her to look at him. She turns her head to fix him with a King Sister Glare, the same kind he gets from Becca when he suggests something other than Elf.
“Okay, okay. Look I know I should’ve told you. I’m sorry. Mel please believe me that I’m sorry.” He sighs, finding the words to continue. “I guess I didn’t want to be a walking contradiction to you. The doctor who can take care of everyone but himself. I didn’t want you to see me like that, I didn’t want to let you down.” It’s his turn to not look at her, instead intently examining the door of the lounge.
“You’ve never let me down.” God he doesn’t deserve her. “Everyone needs help in one way or another. There’s no shame in that.” She puts her hand over his on the ground, tethering him there.
“I know that now. You showed me that.”
“I’m still not happy that you never told me. But I’m not…mad, I don’t think.” Mel’s words make him close his eyes, tipping his head back to rest against the wall behind them.
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are…I’ll forgive you. I just need a bit.”
“Of course.” And then, because Frank Langdon is a stupid man, he adds. “Why did you tell me you were going to be at Presby?”
Mel’s laughter is a relief, like a soothing balm spreading across his racing heart and mind.
“Really?” She asks between laughter. It’s enough for Frank to begin laughing at himself as well.
“I’m sorry, I just had to ask.”
“If you must know, there was a mix up in the system. Second year Melissa Sing was supposed to be matched with Presby instead, so a few days ago I got an email to let me know.” She shrugs. “Weird coincidence, but I guess it worked out.”
“Wait a few days ago? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Well I thought I’d just tell you tonight. Plus I don’t like bothering you when you have your kids.” Her focus is back on Crosby, her hands buried in his fur.
“Mel. You’re never a bother. It’s important to me that you know that.” He leans forward to catch her eye, making sure she can see the seriousness in his face. “Never.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you, I really am.”
“I know.”
“Can we talk more…later?” He gives her an out, a way to let him down easy and tell him not to come over like they’d originally planned.
“Yes. We should talk later.” Frank’s jaw unclenches and he feels like he can breathe again.
“....do you want to remove gravel from some road rash? There’s probably about a thousand pieces?” Frank begins to stand, wincing slightly at the motion. He stands in front of her, beckoning her with an outstretched hand.
“A thousand?” She takes his hand, pulling herself up, careful not to disturb Crosby.
“Give or take a hundred.”
→→→→
Every day in the ED is a whirlwind of patients and traumas and today is no different. He dismisses Driscoll, stabilizes a burn victim, checks in on Dana and apologises for maybe riling up the asshole who punched her, hops on a few traumas, discharges a few patients, takes a kid up to pediatrics, clocks Garcia flirting with Santos, and hears about a delivery Mel helped with.
Given how terribly his day started, he’s pretty pleased with how it’s developed, including Mel showing up because God. It’s Mel. And he gets to work with her. And she doesn’t hate him.
Because of his luck though, it’s no surprise when Robby and Dana come in, gathering everyone up in a rush. Everyone is launched into action, organizing supplies, moving people upstairs. If the day was already a whirlwind, it becomes a hurricane movement.
He gets assigned to the Red Zone with Samira, Robby, and Abbot. Everyone suits up, donning gowns and gloves, like some sick action movie montage. In the chaos, he finds Mel, moving past her with a hand on her back and a whisper of encouragement in her ear before she goes to lead the Yellow Zone.
There’s whispers of the shooter and cries of pain and blood. So much blood. He knows it’s in his hair and across his chest. He knows this day will stick with him. But there’s no time to dwell as the slew of victims come in, one after the other.
Frank was never in combat but he understands that this is combat medicine, exactly as Jack said. He feels like a butcher, cutting into people, shoving tubes down their throat.
He loses track of how many people they save, but holds onto the ones they don’t. Every glimpse he gets of Mel is of her in action, in her element. She becomes somehow more breathtaking flecked with blood and saving lives.
It’s hours later that it finally slows, patients getting diverted to other hospitals and the night shift coming in to relieve them. He hears about a measles case and thanks whatever God is out there that Abby didn’t get her parents’ anti-vaxxer beliefs, easily reassuring himself that they wouldn't end up like that poor kid.
Bit by bit they slowly wrap up, though some of his colleagues are reluctant to go.
“This job can’t be your life Samira,” Cassie says next to him. Frank looks up from his charting to see the woman in front of them, looking at the board for something else. He knows mania when he sees it and knows she is going to crash soon, even while she tries to justify her life plan to them. Some of the guys in his year would get like that, insisting they could pull all-nighters even with drills early in the morning. The fallout was never pretty. He wants to spare her from being in public.
“Hey Mohan, you’ve got some blood on your arms, maybe go scrub that off before you take a new case, yeah?” He tries to put enough fatherly affection in his voice without infantilizing her, but it somehow works as she nods and bounds away to follow his suggestion.
“She’s gonna crash and burn one of these days.” Cassie has her chin in her hand as she finishes her charts, looking as haggard as the rest of them.
“Mohan? Nah, she just needs to find a balance and she will. She’s the best of us.”
“What put you in a chipper mood today?” Cassie side-eyes him, making him scoff.
“Can’t I be nice without being questioned?” He actually was still in a pretty shitty mood and he knows that he should be a flight risk right now (no pun intended) but for some reason he feels fully grounded.
“You and I both know the answer to that-“
“Langdon!” Dana’s voice jumps in after Cassie’s. Frank presses his badge to the station to sign out and pivots, shooting Cassie a sheepish shrug.
“Reporting for duty.” He gives her a mock salute as her face settles into a grim expression. He quickly drops his hand back down.
“Robby’s getting some air. I can’t find Abbot, can you go check on him? I can send him up there to relieve you once I find him.”
“Air?”
“He’s on the roof.”
“Oh. Yeah sure.” Dana didn’t know. Of course she didn’t. She didn’t know the specifics of his leave of absence, didn’t know what he’d almost done that night, and she certainly didn’t know that he’d avoided roofs since. But that doesn’t matter. Robby needs someone.
Robby needs him.
The fresh air is nice and he can feel it cooling the sweat across his body. The figure in front of him only makes his heart beat faster though as he slowly approaches.
“You know, a close friend of mine told me it's actually unsafe to stand in front of the railing.” The metal has a bite to it as he grips it, a foot from Robby’s side. His hands are in his pockets, head down, gaze fixated on his feet.
“You should go home Frank.” Robby’s voice is tight. “All of you should go home.”
“So should you. Besides, we're waiting for you down there captain.” Frank’s not sure if he was the best choice to send up here, but he’s trying his best. Robby scrubs at his eyes with the back of his hand.
“I can’t. Just tell everyone to leave, nightshift is here to take over, everyone should just go home.” Robby refuses to look at him, his gaze now focused on the skyline ahead.
“Robby, man we need you.”
“No you don’t. You needed me earlier. And I choked.” Robby’s words are so absurd it makes him scoff.
“Are you kidding?” Frank moves to stand next to him, sliding between the railings to get through. “Robby, you did everything you could do. You didn’t choke-”
“I did. I did.” He’s muttering to himself, hand to his head. Frank flounders. He’s never been on this side before and he wishes Mel, though she barely knew Robby, was the one here instead. She’d somehow know what to say and how to say it.
“All of us choked at some point.” He puts ‘choked’ in quotation marks with his hands. “But we did our best, all of us, including you. It’s thanks to you that so many of those people are going to live to see tomorrow.”
Robby hangs his head and brings a hand to rub the back of his neck. Frank is fully facing him, but he still can only see half his face. What he can see though is full of pain and weariness, something he knows he can’t resolve in one night on a roof.
He’s about to try and say something, anything, else when the door swings open, hitting against the wall with its force. Him and Robby both turn at the noise, only to be faced with two breathless doctors bursting through the doorway.
Mel and Jack. Dr. King and Dr. Abbot. They’re both out of breath from the stairs and Abbot is wincing with every step.
Mel rushes over while Jack stalks toward them slowly.
“Are you okay? Dana said you were on the roof. Frank, is everything okay?” Her words cause Robby to snap out of his stupor as he looks between them, eyebrows raised. Jack is silent as he reaches them, arms crossed in front of his chest.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m okay. Just getting some air with Robby.” He smiles at her, knowing that she likely thought the worst. He’ll have to let her know that he was the one doing the talking off a ledge this time. He hopes she’ll be proud.
“Why don’t you two head down, I’ll take it from here.” Jack waves at the two of them and Frank is happy to turn over the responsibility. Robby and Jack understand each other in ways no one else can, he knows he’s the only one who could get through to him.
Frank nods, slipping behind the railing. He takes Mel’s hand, getting a surprised look from her in the process. He knows that Robby will likely have a lot of questions for him about this later, but he can’t make himself care as he and Mel descend the floors back to the ED.
It’s soon after they reach their floor and gather their belongings from their lockers that Jack and Robby appear. Everyone who has already gathered their things loiter around the hub, aimlessly chatting about anything to take their minds off of what they just went through, or staring off into space.
“All right, everybody! Listen up! You got it, Cap.” Dana commands and immediately relinquishes the floor to Robby. His eyes are a little redder than they were before, but he’s back on solid ground.
He sees some of his colleagues cry at Robby’s speech, others harden their expressions in response. With a glance to his side he sees Mel’s blank face, her eyes looking vaguely in Robby’s direction, but focused somewhere far away. He wishes he knew what was going on inside her head, knew what he could do to make things easier for her.
The crowd disperses and they stick close, meandering to the exit. Once they step outside, Frank realizes Mel is shaking and while the night air is brisk, he knows that’s not the only reason.
“How about you let me drive you home? We can pick up Becca on the way and get your car tomorrow.” Frank’s fingers brush her wrist as he murmurs to her. Mel shakes her head twice before nodding more vigorously. They change course, heading for his car.
She wants to stay strong, used to being the one taking care of everyone, including him. All he wants to do is take care of her for once. He waits in the car while she walks into the center, giving her time to explain the change in plans to Becca. The blank expression on her face is still there, though when she returns with her sister, there’s a false smile plastered on top of it.
The three of them go to a restaurant near the King sisters’ apartment, Frank and Mel are both terrible dinner dates, but Becca doesn’t seem to mind as she fills them in on the details of her day (and in Frank’s case, the week he’s missed since seeing her.) He eats quickly, his hunger from the day catching up with him as he cleans his plate. A look at Mel’s plate tells him she’s experiencing something similar and he’s glad she’s at least eating.
Frank walks them up to their apartment, wanting to check in with Mel once they have a moment alone. Becca goes to get ready for bed, bidding him goodnight as she disappears into the hallway. Mel stands in the middle of the kitchen, her water bottle open and forgotten in her hand as she looks at the sink.
He walks over slowly, hand finding Mel’s wrist, lightly tracing down her fingers to pull the container from them.
“Hey.” He turns back after placing it on the countertop, taking in her trembling chin. “Hey hey hey.” His arms come to encircle her, pulling her into his chest. He feels her arms wrap around his waist even tighter as she shakes.
Frank lets his face burrow into the top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair, its usual smell tainted by the indescribable scent of “hospital”. But underneath, it's still Mel, and it calms him. He presses a kiss to her crown before pulling back enough to place his lips on her forehead.
Mel suddenly pulls back and he’s worried he’s overstepped in a moment of vulnerability, before her lips replace her forehead, pressed onto his firmly. Her hands find his shoulders to hold herself up and his hands find her waist to help her. He pulls her in tighter and is rewarded with a sigh from her as she lets herself meld against him.
They’re breathless when they pull apart and Frank thinks every moment of his life led to this one here. Every rooftop visit, every medicine cabinet raid, every almost. Each of them brought him to this point in time.
“Stay here tonight?” Mel’s voice is small, like she’s afraid to break the silence between them.
Frank can’t help but break into a smile as he responds, “always.”
They change in opposite corners of her room, her giving him an old oversized t-shirt of hers to sleep in with his boxers. There in her shirt, in her bed, holding her in his arms, he feels like he couldn’t be more content. He presses a kiss to her mouth again, slow but soft. In turn she presses her face into his neck, breath quickly evening out as she falls asleep.
→→→→
Frank wakes to her alarm, the dulcet tones of rap quickly jolting him into alertness. Mel reaches over to turn it off, burrowing further under the covers as he admires her for a moment.
“C’mon we gotta get up.” Frank pulls the comforter back a bit, laughing as she snatches it back. “I’ll go start coffee.” He stands, pulling on his shirt and boxers discarded on the floor.
Mel’s espresso machine was a recent development, something he’d gotten her for her birthday, and something he’s still learning to use. He smiles at the photo of them on the fridge as he grabs her specific creamer. It’s a candid shot of them dancing with the kids at Abby and Adam’s wedding, he thinks it might always make him smile.
By the time he comes back with her preferred concoction, she’s braiding her hair in the mirror. She thanks him and he begins to get ready alongside her, changing into his scrubs and fixing his hair into place.
“Pen’s dance recital is next weekend, I’m already off, but if you feel up for coming after your shift let me know. Becca is invited too of course.” His words are garbled by the toothbrush in his mouth, but she understands him in the way only she can.
“Yeah I think I can manage that.” She sips on her coffee, looking over the edge of her mug at him.
“What?” Her gaze still makes him giddy.
“Nothing. Just happy.” Her expression is happy, but her eyes hold an indescribable emotion. It’s like she can’t believe he’s there in front of her, like she’s reminding herself he’s still here. He worries that he’ll never be able to prove to her that he’s not going anywhere and a deep part of him hates himself for it, for scaring her like that before. There are still bad days, but now he has the tools to work through them. He doesn’t scare those around him anymore, and he hopes he never will again.
They drop Becca off on the way to work. He waves at her as Mel walks inside with her and he enjoys getting to look at Mel unabashedly. He gets to hold her hand as they walk inside, kiss her briefly as they split to jump on cases, remind her to eat something midway through their shift, watch her save lives, go home with her at the end of the day, memorize each and every inch of her skin. Then he gets to do it all over again the next day. In a month her and Becca’s lease is up and they’re moving into a beautiful house they picked together. He’s not sure he’s ever been so excited to move boxes around and put together IKEA furniture.
Frank Langdon knows four things to be completely and unshakably true in his life:
- His children were the best things to ever happen to him.
- Whatever choices led him to this point in life, he wouldn’t change a thing.
- He has a whole lot more for him on solid ground than he ever did on any rooftop.
- He is completely and utterly in love with the woman who saved his life and he will never repay her for everything…but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try.