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Rudy slowly rubbed a petal between his fingers; he didn't turn when he felt someone walking up behind him, but still smiled. "You really outdid yourself, Gorey."
A huge paw grasped his shoulder. "Hon, I'm... I'm really sorry."
"Don't be! Calla Lilies are a bit cliche, but you did the best you could on short notice."
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
He let out a bark of laughter. "Hey, you know what? They should do a bouquet toss at funerals, too. Figure out who's the next one to die!"
Asgore nearly lost his footing. "RUDY!"
He just grinned and plucked a lily from the arrangement. Putting it between his teeth, he mumbled "Hey, you wanna dance? You lead, I'll follow. We can call it 'The Dead Man's Tango'."
Instead of accepting the outstretched hand, Asgore folded his arms and scowled. "Why are you being so morbid? And why are you smiling?! This is a funeral, for Angel's sake!"
"Yeah, no shit. It wouldn't be a proper funeral if Blitzen didn't show up drunk."
"Stop it," he said sternly. "Stop it right now. This is your family we're talking about! Can you at least try to show some proper decorum?"
He spat the flower out, and his smile faded. "You know what, Asgore? I've been to more fucking funerals than I can count." With a sigh, Rudy pinched the bridge of his snout. "At least this time it's just an old coot, not a friend or a boyfriend or an ex..."
"Hey." Asgore jabbed his finger into Rudy's chest. "That 'old coot' was your father."
"Yeah, and his time was up. So?"
"So show a little, I don't know, sadness or something!"
Rudy put his hands on the sides of his mouth and pulled it down to a frown. "'Ooooh, I'm so saaaaad! He was a wonderful father! He only beat me when he was sober, so it almost never happened!'"
"Fine, be a jerk. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go comfort Noelle."
And just like that, Rudy realized how badly he'd screwed up. "Hey. Hey, wait."
Asgore glanced over his shoulder.
"Wheel me to her, okay?"
With a great heaving sigh, his friend nodded and started pushing.
The silence between them was looming, so Rudy said "Hey, did you know that 'wheelchair' is a Spanish word?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I'll use it in a sentence." Then with an exaggerated accent: "'There's only one bag of chips, and we're both hungry, so wheelchair'!"
Asgore groaned. "That was horrible, Sans."
"Don't call me that."
"If you act like Sans, I'll treat you like Sans."
“Whatever.”
His eyes slid back and forth across the room. Amazing that a vile old bugger like his father could draw so many mourners. And, of course, Carol was flitting around, shaking hands, offering stilted hugs, dabbing her lacy designer handkerchief on her crocodile tears. Always the politician.
Noelle’s reaction was much more genuine, however. The poor little doe was sitting in a crumpled heap, her fingernails red and raw from the biting. Once Rudy was close enough to touch her shoulder, Asgore coughed and announced that he suddenly remembered he needed to help with the luncheon.
She leaned into her father’s touch, and they sat in a silence as thick and disgusting as Vaseline.
Eventually, Rudy cut through it: “He didn’t suffer, you know.”
“Mm-hm.”
“I mean, best he went fast instead of circling the drain for years and years.” A flick of his thumb caught her tear. “And he just loved you to pieces. Say… your Oma's waiting outside. Why don't you go talk to her?"
A little light of happiness danced in her eyes. "Oh, that's a great idea! Come on, Dad! Race you there!"
“Hey, wait! Who’s gonna push me?!”
But she was already gone.
*
Thank the Angel she’d run out the front door instead of the back, because that gave Rudy some time to prepare his mother for what was to come. Or so he told himself. If he was being honest, he was the one who needed some prepping, but, well… honesty had never been a good policy with his parents.
At least I only have one left to deal with, he thought, and grit his teeth.
Wow.
His mother had never been a hale-and-hearty type, but right now, sitting all hunched over, that shriveled old harridan looked more frail than ever.
Rudy cleared his throat, and when she saw him, she frowned. "Oh, it's just you. What do you want, Rudolph?"
But before her least-wanted son could answer, she saw Noelle running up to her, and her face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Oh, it's my little sugarplum! Come here and give your old Oma a hug!"
With a squeal of delight, Noelle jumped into her arms. Rudy had to force a smile. He wondered if there would ever come a day when he wouldn't be jealous of his own damn daughter.
"Look at you!" his mother said as she rose to the tips of her hooves and patted between Noelle's antlers. "Have you grown, or am I standing in a hole?"
Giggling, Noelle said "I haven't grown since the last time I saw you. Must be a hole!"
She pinched her granddaughter's cheeks. "It's so good to see you, baby. It's been too long. But I have good news for you!"
She gathered her grandmother's hands in hers. "What's that?"
"I'm going to see you a lot more often now! Your mother offered to have me move in."
Rudy choked. "She WHAT?!"
The two of them stared at his pale face for a moment before his mother gently nudged Noelle. "Go hold your father's hand, dear. I think he's having a senior moment."
"Mother, I'm in my forties! I'm in the prime of my life! I'm not having a 'senior moment'!"
"You're fifty."
"That's still in my forties! I mean, I was forty-eight, then I was forty-nine, now I'm... uh... forty-ten."
"That's not how numbers work."
He barely noticed Noelle's little hand slipping in his. His voice was getting darker. "I don't care. But speaking of numbers, you have nine kids! Why are you dumping this on me?!"
"Because you're the only reliable one."
"Reliable. Reliable!" Despite his daughter's hand gripping him tightly---her little signal that she was feeling a spike of anxiety---Rudy went on "Just because the rest of your kids are fuck-ups doesn't mean---"
"Language!"
"Don't you scold me like I'm a calf again! For Angel's sake, Mother, I'm a grown man! Didn't we just go over this? Forty-ten, remember?"
She shot him a look, her lips all twisted and a deep groove digging between her eyebrows. "Yes, you're a grown man. A grown man with a rich wife and a great big house."
"That you're not stepping a hoof inside!"
Noelle tugged her father's arm. "Um, Dad? It might actually be nice if Oma lives with us. I can keep her company---"
"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!"
Ah, shit. The moment he'd finished yelling, tears welled up in her big, pretty eyes, and she ran off sobbing.
"Great." His knees were getting wobbly, so he took a seat next to his mother. "Now look what you did."
"That's all on you." She reached into her hand-me-down purse and fished out a pack of smokes. "Got a light?"
"I thought you quit."
"I did. Quitting's easy, Rudolph. I've done it a million times." She clasped her purse again and grinned when she found the hidden lighter. "So you're still letting him wear dresses?"
Rudy had never once in his life laid hands on a woman, let alone a senior citizen, but he found himself dangerously close to punching an old lady right in the face. "SHE can wear whatever SHE wants."
"Oh, right. Of course. I keep forgetting." She lit her cig. "You're okay with her wearing whatever she wants?"
"Yes. I believe I said that a few seconds ago."
"What if she wants to wear a string bikini? Or a thong? You'd be okay with that?"
He blanched. "Well... no..."
"So you wouldn't be okay with her wearing whatever. Ha! Another fight I won."
Rudy put his head in his hands. "Why do you do this, Mother?"
"Let me tell you something." The cig still in her mouth, she turned and placed her withered hand on his. "Rudolph... you didn't turn out to be the son I wanted..."
He closed his eyes. "Yup. I know that. Thanks a lot."
"...But I know I'm not the mother you needed. And for that, I'm truly sorry."
He looked at her in shock.
Tonguing her smoke from one corner of her mouth to the other, she said "Now go comfort little... um..."
"Noelle."
"Right. Noelle. And when you get home, hire some damn movers."
The flood of emotions running through him nearly tipped him off his hooves, so he collapsed into the wheelchair and began rolling. "Yes, ma'am!"