Work Text:
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CG: HEY SHITSTAIN.
TG: what now
CG: WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE COMMON ROOM? YOUR CLOCK SAYS AWAKE.
TG: im awake
TG: has anyone ever told you thats exactly the thing you say to someone to make sure they wake up in a good mood
CG: WHATEVER. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
TG: can town
CG: WELL DRAG YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN ASS TO THE COMMON ROOM.
TG: was that just a shitty choice of words
TG: or did you mean to call my ass pathetic
CG: WHAT? JUST GET HERE OKAY.
TG: is something on fire
CG: NO.
TG: are you facing imminent death
CG: NOT RIGHT NOW.
TG: then you haul your pathetic troll ass to can town
TG: tz is setting up for a monster attack
TG: itll be the best yet
CG: STRIDER, IF YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN ASS ISN'T IN THE COMMON ROOM IN FIVE MINUTES I SWEAR I WILL DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR RECUPERACOON BY THE HAIR AND THROW YOU OFF THIS PIECE OF SHIT MYSELF.
TG: what
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
You roll your eyes and toss your iPhone onto the floor beside you. Whatever Karkat wants it can't be that important, he's always crapping on about some bs you can't really be bothered caring about. If the common room had been on fire? Sure, you would've gone. If he'd pestered you about Gamzee? Probably not, because knowing your luck the universe would count it as a heroic death if the clown got you, and you don't like the idea of staying dead.
And suddenly Terezi's looking at you, with that vague stare. It's almost something like concern, but you're fairly sure the concern isn't for your well being. It's for the fact that you've stopped, mid-build, with a can still in your hand. She reaches over and takes it from you, placing it at the base of what will soon become the new industrial park. You can never have too much industry, she'd said earlier.
TEREZI: DO 1 H4V3 TO DO 3V3RYTH1NG MYS3LF?
DAVE: sorry
DAVE: got distracted
DAVE: whats going there
TEREZI: SL4UGHT3RHOUS3 >:]
DAVE: yeah im not surprised by that at all
TEREZI: H3H3
DAVE: you be alright here for a while
TEREZI: Y34H WHY?
DAVE: karkats shitting himself about something
DAVE: threatened to hurl me into space
DAVE: should only be ten minutes
TEREZI: J3GUS D4VE
TEREZI: H3 C4N LOOK 4FT3R H1MS3LF
TEREZI: W3 4R3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF CONSTRUCT1ON H3R3
DAVE: ten minutes tz
DAVE: ill be back before the inaugural slaughter of hoofbeasts
TEREZI: HOOFB34STS, R34LLY?
You give her a grin and push yourself up from the floor. You're not planning on being long with Karkat. Hop over to the common room, deal with his shit, then transportalize back before Terezi even has the chance to really notice you're gone. You bend over to pick up your phone - there's no way you're wandering the halls without it - and before you can push her away, she's licked up the side of your face and is sitting back on her heels, trademark, shit-eating grin on her face.
DAVE: you have no idea how disgusting that is
TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY, 1 DO
TEREZI: 4ND YOU DON'T 4CTU4LLY M1ND
TEREZI: YOU JUST L1K3 COMPL41N1NG L1K3 4 B1TCH
DAVE: ten minutes
You're still trying to explain human boundaries to her. You're half convinced that she understood perfectly the first time and she's just doing her best to annoy you. You're not sure what you were expecting from an alien girlfriend but it wasn't to discover that you don't really mind her batshit alien way of doing things.
DAVE: later
You give her a wave as you leave the room but she's already got her head back in the game and is carefully stacking the cans to resemble an abattoir. You were hoping for at least a goodbye, especially since you've both joked about the possibility of any parting being your last. In fact, you've already had three partings without goodbyes that have ended up with you dead for a few hours. Terezi had laughed every time, the shit. She denied it, every time, but she’d laughed the hardest the third time when you’d taken an extra hour to wake up; she’d laughed even harder at Karkat, who was convinced you were staying dead.
You’re close to running down the hall since it’s not exactly the best place to be alone, but you don’t let yourself break into a jog in case you run into anyone who isn’t the clown. Dave Strider doesn’t just go for a jog, it’d be too hard to explain, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not in the mood for another death right now. You’d bounce back, sure, but that’s the one thing no one ever mentions about semi-immortality. You might not die all the way, but it’ll hurt just the same. It’s taken you longer to recuperate from the blunt force trauma than the death itself.
You hit the transportalizer at what would be considered Olympic-standard walking pace. That’s not jogging, you’ve got the ‘one foot on the ground at all times’ bs happening, ain’t no one going to say that you’re running.
You arrive in the common room to find Karkat sitting on the couch. You can see the top of his head over the back of it, and instead of going around you swing one leg up and over, then the other, and settle yourself on the back.
DAVE: so
DAVE: whats up
You look around to see what he’s doing that’s so important, but all you can see is a rerun of the same troll romcom you’ve already seen him watch twice. You have no idea how he watches these things so religiously.
DAVE: are you really just sitting on your ass in here bro
DAVE: why couldnt you come to can town
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU IGNORANT SHIT, I DIDN’T WANT TO.
DAVE: sure okay
KARKAT: I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT EARTH BROS.
DAVE: okay shoot
DAVE: not literally
DAVE: earth bros dont actually shoot earth bros in the chest
DAVE: unless its consensual
DAVE: for the purposes of entertainment
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: next strife dont kill me you asshat
KARKAT: OH. I NEED CLARIFICATION ON THE SUBJECT.
DAVE: what subject
DAVE: were earth bros man
DAVE: we established that
DAVE: we fistbumped and everything
DAVE: fistbumps are a binding bro contract
KARKAT: NO I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FUCKUGLY DOUCHEBAG.
He looks confused, or as confused as you’ve ever seen him. You figure that it’s got to be genuine confusion because he doesn’t usually drag you away from your alien girlfriend unless its a good reason. Although, he didn’t even bother to ask if you were with Terezi this time, he’s just shouted at you online and you realise that maybe you are a complete idiot because you came.
DAVE: so shoot
DAVE: figuratively
KARKAT: I NEED MORE EXPOSITION ON YOUR HUMAN RELATIONSHIP TERMINOLOGY.
DAVE: dude you need to stop watching these movies
DAVE: theyre not good for you
KARKAT: NOT THOSE KINDS OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS.
KARKAT: I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW WE ARE BROS IF I AM NOT YOUR HUMAN ECTOSIBLING.
KARKAT: AND HOW IS OUR BROHOOD DIFFERENT FROM THAT WITH THE ONE YOU CALL ‘MY BRO’?
DAVE: wait slow down
DAVE: what the shit are you talking about
KARKAT: AM I CORRECT IN ASSUMING THERE ARE THREE DIFFERENT WAYS ON EARTH IN WHICH TWO PEOPLE CAN BE BROS?
DAVE: uh yeah
DAVE: i guess thats right
DAVE: maybe
KARKAT: WELL IF IT’S NOT RIGHT THEN FUCKING EXPLAIN THIS HOOFBEAST MANURE SO I CAN STOP TRYING TO WORK IT OUT.
DAVE: wait are you asking for my help
KARKAT: YES.
DAVE: why me
KARKAT: BECAUSE WE’RE BROS, BUT I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS SHIT EVEN MEANS.
You sigh. Only a little, and not dramatically, but just enough to make it clear that this is not how you’d like to be spending your time.
DAVE: okay
DAVE: shit this is hard to explain
DAVE: you have no idea
DAVE: let me think
KARKAT: GET ON WITH IT.
DAVE: okay
DAVE: three kinds of bros
DAVE: were bros
DAVE: thats just normal
DAVE: like friends
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: like how youre friends with kanaya
DAVE: you like her
DAVE: but just to hang out with
DAVE: you dont want to have freaky alien sex with her
DAVE: but i dunno
DAVE: its kind of like that
DAVE: what were doing now
DAVE: thats being bros
DAVE: everything we do is what bros do
KARKAT: SO EARTH BROS SPEND MULTIPLE PERIGEES WATCHING MOVIES, GETTING INTO PHYSICAL ALTERCATIONS, AND TALK ABSOLUTE HOOFBEAST MANURE FOR COUNTLESS HOURS?
DAVE: yeah pretty much
KARKAT: OKAY.
DAVE: yeah so the second kind is a brother
DAVE: like
DAVE: earth sibling
DAVE: like rose
DAVE: were blood
DAVE: but shes my sister because shes a girl
DAVE: if she was a guy shed be my brother
KARKAT: THAT’S A LOAD OF FUCKASSERY.
DAVE: dude youve got to accept that human earth blood siblings are a thing
KARKAT: I ACCEPT IT
KARKAT: BUT I STILL COULDN’T GIVE ANY LESS FUCKS ABOUT THE CONCEPT
DAVE: okay so thats the difference
DAVE: we done here
DAVE: gotta get back to can town
DAVE: shits going down
You swing one leg back over the couch and make to leave, but you can still feel Karkat glaring at you. You’re not in the mood for any more explaining today. You figured that he’d get the point but he hasn’t, and he’s still waiting. Impatiently, too, from the look on his face.
KARKAT: WHAT’S THE THIRD KIND?
DAVE: i gotta go man
KARKAT: STRIDER.
DAVE: not now
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM NOW?
DAVE: can town needs me
DAVE: ill be there all afternoon
KARKAT: ALL WHAT?
DAVE: vantas
DAVE: im going to be blunt
DAVE: this has been the worst eight minutes and forty two seconds on this meteor so far
You leave it at that, and swing the other leg over and jump down from the back of the couch. You know that you look like a complete dickhead because of the swoosh of your cape, and the whirring of the transportalizer only makes it worse. You appear back in the empty hallway, and break into a run. You’re not hanging out in the dark any longer than you have to.
Can Town is exactly how you left it, and even though it’s been less than twenty minutes since you were there, it feels like longer. You never thought you’d be so happy to see a teenage alien scrawling attentively on the walls with chalk. You’ve got no idea what she’s trying to draw now, but there’s a lot of blood. You get the feeling it’s a pile of hoofbeasts that have already been processed through the new slaughterhouse, but you’re not going to ask.
You return to you place to the far west of Can Town and sit, leaning back on your arms. Terezi looks away from her drawing long enough to give you a smile, all sharp teeth and genuine satisfaction in her work. You feel your iphone vibrate in your pocket, and you reluctantly take it out.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --
CG: I’M ASSUMING THAT THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ONE OF THOSE HUMAN EMOTIONS THAT GOES BEYOND FRIENDSHIP.
TG: yeah
TG: sorry
TG: too soon
TG: ask again in six months
CG: HOW FUCKING LONG IS THAT?
TG: ask rose
TG: later bro
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased being trolled by carcinoGeneticist [CG] --