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The bullpen was buzzing with debate over whether Jane and Lisbon ever actually fought.
Wylie maintained they didn't—when they got mad, they always took it out on someone else. He followed this with a dry laugh. That someone was obviously him.
Cho recalled that the last real argument between Jane and Lisbon had been six or seven years ago—
"Grace was standing right there between them, like a lost kid watching her parents fight."
"That must've been rough."
"So—can we bet on whether they'll fight?" Wylie's eyes lit up with a glimmer of excitement. "Let's make a bet. See if the new case finally makes them snap at each other."
"With stakes?" Cho liked a bet with stakes. "But how do you know this case will actually set them off?"
Wylie pulled up his computer, typed in some code, and brought up a case tailor-made for them. "In this one, a stubborn husband gets killed. The desperate wife suspects her sister—the one with an obsessive desire for the husband—killed him out of jealousy. The sister thinks the wife did it, because she resented the husband."
"How can we bet on a case?" Cho's voice carried a note of disapproval.
"Uh—" Wylie hesitated. "Actually, the husband choked to death on a potato chip."
"Then what are we investigating?"
"The sisters won't stop arguing. Their brother works high up in the FBI, wants us to help smooth things over." He paused, barely hiding his excitement. "Mostly, though—I think Jane would be into this. He loves gossip. Plus, their tea is pretty good." Wylie's explanation was weak, but his face lit up. "We could split them up—Lisbon on one side, Jane on the other. Get them to each support a sister. They'll go all in trying to prove they're right. And along the way? Collision. Maybe we finally get to see what we've been waiting for."
Cho folded his arms. Didn't buy it.
But the bullpen was already placing bets.
"I say they won't fight," someone piped up. "Jane's too scared of getting punched."
"Lisbon probably won't either. When she's pissed, she just skips straight to hitting."
"Jane's mellowed out these days."
"Lisbon's redirected her parenting energy to Wylie now."
"Thanks." Wylie muttered, his head already starting to ache. "Then I'm betting—no fight."
"But if they don't fight, you're the one who suffers, Wylie." Someone pointed out, grinning.
Wylie stammered. "Yeah, but—if that happens, we win."
"You just want to win for once, don't you, Wylie?" Someone burst out laughing. "That's a dangerous game, Wylie."
Wylie shrugged it off. The others were already itching to join in.
Everyone was waiting for Cho to speak when the elevator doors slid open. Jane and Lisbon, fresh from lunch, stepped into the bullpen—carrying their two-year-old, Millie.
Millie was a beautiful little boy, blond and green-eyed, perched happily on his father's shoulder, playing with his curls. Every now and then, he'd reach a spit-slick hand toward his mother. Lisbon's gaze softened as she gently touched his face, drawing out a giggle.
The moment they walked in, they noticed the whole crowd gathered in the bullpen.
Every pair of eyes turned to them.
The little family stopped.
Jane was the first to speak, his voice light and cheerful. "Well, everyone's so energized at lunchtime—how encouraging. What's the case we're discussing? Or are we the ones being discussed?"
A sly smile spread across his face.
They all knew better than to stick around. Jane had that look—the one that meant he could see right through them. Without a word, they scattered, leaving only a muttered "Bet details by text" in their wake.
Cho paused just long enough to say to Wylie, "I'm betting they'll fight."
Then he was gone too.
Leaving Wylie all alone.
Wylie clutched his tablet, watching Jane and Lisbon draw closer, the pressure mounting.
Jane's gaze swept over him, slow and deliberate, a playful smirk tugging at his lips.
Wylie immediately shot a desperate look at Lisbon. "Lisbon—there's a case."
He hurried forward, thrusting the tablet toward her. "It's about those sisters. Their husband was killed."
"Their?" Lisbon frowned at the screen. "Their husband?"
Jane covered Millie's ears and grumbled under his breath at Wylie.
Wylie's face went red. "Right—sorry—so, one sister thinks the other, who had a thing for the husband, killed him. The other sister thinks the first one did it, out of resentment. We need to figure out who's responsible."
"This falls under FBI jurisdiction?" Lisbon glanced at the file. "Local PD couldn't handle it?"
Wylie stammered. "Uh—their brother works high up in the Bureau. Wants us to smooth it over. You know how it is—sometimes we have to handle internal... favors."
"Ah. Office politics." Jane's grin widened. "That all?"
Wylie definitely wasn't about to mention the betting pool. He forged ahead, voice dry. "You could take a look. It's Friday—if you wrap it up early, you can head straight home. Millie would probably love some extra time with his parents."
"Aw. That's sweet, Wylie." Lisbon handed the tablet back.
Jane continued to watch Wylie with a knowing look.
Wylie did his best to avoid Jane's gaze, going out of his way to sound enthusiastic. "I'll come with you this afternoon."
"Now that's a surprise." Jane bounced Millie gently, glancing at Lisbon. "I didn't think Wylie volunteered for fieldwork."
"Maybe he's been in the office too long. Getting restless." Lisbon chuckled, one eyebrow quirking up.
Jane caught her meaning. He nodded at Wylie. "Alright then. We'll head out together soon. I'll drive."
"Oh." Lisbon's expression flickered—she remembered his driving.
Jane reached out, his hand settling against the small of her back. "This time, I'll take it slow. Isn't that right, Millie? Tell Daddy to take it slow." He swayed gently with the boy, Lisbon leaning in to tickle him.
"Millie's coming too?" Wylie's voice wavered.
"Of course not." Lisbon smiled. "Cho offered to watch him this afternoon. We've already brought him over from daycare."
"Cho?" Wylie muttered, then repeated, "Cho's quite the uncle."
Jane carried Millie to Cho's office.
Cho was already at his desk, ready. A little rattle sat nearby. A cute bib, too.
Jane walked in. Millie spotted Cho and reached out happily, arms stretching toward him.
Cho's face stayed neutral as he took the boy. But he shook the toy. The corner of his mouth lifted.
Jane handed Millie over. At the door, he paused. "Cho. Anything you want to add?"
Cho kept shaking the toy. Thought for a second. "You win."
"Ah." Jane's voice lifted. "Of course. Of course."
XXX
The car had barely stopped when Lisbon jumped out, already complaining. "Jane, you drove too fast. You promised you'd take it slow."
Jane shot back, unimpressed. "Lisbon, you should be used to my driving by now. And that wasn't even fast—I was following the speed limit."
"Oh, that's a first." Lisbon rolled her eyes.
Wylie clutched his laptop, watching them. Was this... fighting?
"Nah, their voices are always this loud." He muttered under his breath—just loud enough for the tiny camera on his chest to pick up. On the other end, a crowd of eyes were watching.
"Wylie!"
Lisbon called from the doorway.
Wylie hurried after them, launching into an explanation. "The homeowner is Heidi Taylor—wife of the victim, Tim Taylor. Her sister, Tracy Anderson, is also here. Heidi's always had issues with her. Claims Tracy tried to steal her husband, meddled in their marriage for years. She thinks Tracy might've killed him out of jealousy."
"Interesting theory." Jane's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Jealousy, so she killed the man she loved? I don't buy it."
"Jane." Lisbon cut him off. "Don't jump to conclusions."
"Really?" Jane shrugged, unbothered.
Wylie continued, adding more context. "Tracy Anderson is Heidi's sister. They've never gotten along—not since they were kids. According to Tracy, she actually knew Tim first. Heidi stepped in, made sure Tim married her instead. The whole marriage was built on lies. Tim wasn't in it willingly.
"Two sides to every story." Lisbon summed it up. "Sounds like this case is getting murkier."
"But—" Jane held firm. "Didn't Tim choke to death?"
"Wh—what?" Wylie sputtered. He didn't remember mentioning that.
Jane waved a hand. "Look at the crime scene photos. Clear as day. Choked. Probably on a potato chip. Watch out for potato chips, Lisbon."
Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Jane. You're guessing again."
Jane's grin widened. "And yet, you know I'm always right."
"Oh, I wouldn't say always." Lisbon shot back. "What about those sisters? How do you know they're innocent?"
"I think Tracy's innocent. Heidi?" He tilted his head, unconvinced. "Can't say the same."
"Oh? Why?" Lisbon crossed her arms. "You're so sure? I say Heidi's innocent. She's just a poor woman caught up in a tragedy."
"How do you know she didn't insert herself into that relationship?" Jane's smile faltered. "Lisbon. You keep second-guessing me."
"I'm just calling it like I see it." Lisbon held her ground. "You're always making unrealistic claims."
"Oh? Me?" Jane's voice sharpened. "I always thought you trusted me. And now you're calling my words unrealistic? That's—that's discouraging, Teresa."
"This is work. Don't call me that." Lisbon cut him off sharply.
Wylie jumped. What was happening? He hadn't even done anything yet. Not really. He'd thought about it, sure. But they were already fighting. On their own.
This wasn't right. Wylie shook his head.
Jane was clearly upset. He turned and slapped the door. "Are we going in or what?!"
Wylie lunged forward and rang the doorbell, positioning himself squarely between them. "I think you both just need to calm down. Maybe this case isn't as complicated as it seems."
Jane took a step back, his expression turning deadly serious. "No, Wylie. This is definitely a major case. There's something off about the wife—we can't just ignore it."
"Major?" Wylie's eyes widened. He shot a pleading look at Lisbon, hoping for some rationality.
"That's right, Wylie." Lisbon, to his horror, nodded in agreement. "It's a major case. And I'm going to find evidence proving Tracy's involvement. Just to show a certain arrogant someone what he's talking about."
Jane's jaw tightened. "Fine. Just fine."
Wylie glanced desperately between them. In his earpiece, the team was buzzing—analyzing whether this counted as a fight. Most seemed unsure.
The color drained from Wylie's face. He kept lying to himself. "It's not there yet."
"What?" Jane and Lisbon said in unison.
Wylie opened his mouth to stammer an excuse—when the door swung open behind them.
"You're—" The haggard Heidi opened the door.
Lisbon flashed her FBI badge. "I'm Agent Teresa Lisbon Jane. This is Wylie. And that one over there? Just a consultant.
"Just a consultant?" Jane's voice cut through, sharp and offended.
Wylie flinched. He was already regretting this idea.
Heidi didn't care. "You're here about my husband's death? I'll tell you straight—it was my sister, Tracy. She couldn't have him, so she destroyed him. That bitch."
"Hey." Jane stepped forward. "Mrs. Taylor. Got to say, that's a bit rich coming from you. You're jealous as hell. I'd bet my life that when you're angry, you spit in your husband's food. You stayed in this marriage for one reason—to save face. To not lose to your sister. Maybe one day you just got tired of it all and killed him. Simple as that."
"Patrick Jane!" Lisbon snapped.
"Oh, wow. Full name." Jane shot back without missing a beat. "Teresa Lisbon—this is a workplace!"
Lisbon's face flushed crimson.
Wylie quickly ushered the stunned Heidi inside—just as Tracy appeared at the top of the stairs. "You're from the FBI?"
Jane immediately softened his expression into something friendly. "That obvious, isn't it? Hello, Tracy. I'm Patrick Jane, consultant to the FBI. And this is Agent Lisbon—the mother of my child."
"...What?"
The room froze.
"The mother of his child." Lisbon planted her hands on her hips. "Nice."
She stepped forward, taking Heidi's hand. "Hello, Heidi. We're here about your husband. You can tell us anything. Do you have children? I understand—when you're stuck with a stubborn, idiotic husband, it gets exhausting. But that doesn't mean you killed him."
"Stubborn? Idiotic?" Jane's voice rose from behind.
Wylie immediately jumped between them, hands waving frantically.
Tracy finally caught on. She burst into tears and ran toward Jane. "You believe me, don't you? I could never have killed Tim! I loved him!"
"I know, I know." Jane patted her arm, soothing.
"Oh? Love?" Heidi was crying now too. "You gave up on Tim when you were chasing your own life! I'm the one who picked him up! I married him! And now you say you love him? That's cheap!"
Tracy whirled on her. "You stole him from me! And now you've killed him!"
"I did not!" Heidi screamed back. "I loved him! I would've done anything for him! He always remembered you—yes, I was jealous. But that's in the past. Now he only loves me! That's why you killed him!"
"You even spit in his food!" Tracy shrieked.
"Yours too!" Heidi howled.
Tracy dissolved into sobs. "You evil woman!"
"Ah, poor Tim." Jane muttered under his breath. "If he'd learned to cook like me, he wouldn't have had to eat spit. You too, Tracy."
"Right. And if you didn't always make that mushroom cream risotto, maybe things would be better." Lisbon's voice dripped with sarcasm from the side.
"Really?" Jane's eyes went wide. "You eat two bowls every time I make mushroom cream risotto. And you're always giving me thumbs up."
Lisbon pouted. "That's just being polite."
"Polite?" Jane's voice tightened. "So you're saying everything about me is fake?"
"Like our marriage." Lisbon shrugged. "See? They're fake too, aren't they?"
"No!" Heidi sobbed. "I loved him! I loved Tim! Why—why won't anyone believe me? I didn't kill him!"
"Neither did I!" Tracy cried. "I couldn't! Why am I being put through this?"
"Ugh—" Wylie's face went pale. He should've told them the truth by now. That was the whole point of coming here. But now he had more than just a bickering couple to deal with. Two of them. He was panicking.
"Heidi." Lisbon took a breath and stepped toward her. "You don't have to endure it anymore."
"Endure?" Heidi's tears stopped. "I wasn't enduring anything."
"Agent Lisbon is speaking from experience." Jane's voice cut in, sharp. He turned to Tracy. "If there was a knife right now, Tracy, you could do it. To your sister."
"What—Jane!" Wylie shouted. "That's not necessary!"
"Exactly." Lisbon added. "At this point, it's either you or her. Whoever's left suffers."
Heidi and Tracy froze, staring at them. Their tears stopped. "What's wrong with you two?" they asked, almost in unison.
"What?" Jane grinned. "I thought there was no room for compromise."
Lisbon blinked innocently. "That's what I thought too. You two looked irreconcilable."
"I'll help you pick out weapons." Jane's excitement was barely contained.
Lisbon nodded in assurance. "We'll pretend we didn't see a thing."
"Stop!" Wylie lunged in front of them. "That's not how it is! Don't listen to them! Jane! Lisbon! What's gotten into you?"
"What's gotten into you, Wylie?" Jane's expression was pure innocence. "If you can't solve the problem, solve the people creating it."
"Oh my God." Wylie was horrified. He scrambled. "I think—maybe there's another angle. Don't you think Tim might've just choked to death?"
"You already dismissed that theory, Wylie." Lisbon sidestepped him, heading for the kitchen.
Jane seized the moment and followed.
Wylie tried to grab them but couldn't. He whirled around to face Heidi and Tracy, yanking out his tablet and frantically pulling up the coroner's report. "Tim was confirmed to have choked to death on a potato chip! Neither of you had anything to do with it! People tried to tell you before, but you wouldn't accept it—that's why the three of us came today! Don't listen to those two! They're in the middle of a fight—you have no idea what a married couple will do to each other when they're fighting! I never want to know again!
Heidi and Tracy exchanged a bewildered look. Together, they said, "We get it. But what's wrong with them? Just get them out of here. I could never lay a hand on my sister. Tim was just Tim. Sisters are sisters."
Wylie exhaled in relief. "I'm so glad you feel that way." He bolted toward the kitchen, desperate to stop the other bickering couple.
His mind raced—what should he say? Apologize? Beg for forgiveness?
He burst into the kitchen just in time to see Lisbon grab a knife and lunge at Jane.
"WAIT!" Wylie's voice cracked, tears threatening to spill. "PLEASE! This is my fault! I started this whole thing! It was just a game! Heidi and Tracy are fine—Tim's fine too! I mean, he's dead, but that's not the point! I was wrong! PLEASE, Lisbon, Jane—DON'T DO IT!"
"Huh?" Lisbon jabbed Jane a few times with the retractable gag knife, laughing. Jane handed her a cup of tea, taking a moment to savor the aroma himself. "This is really good tea, Teresa. We should get some for home."
"Sounds good." Lisbon smiled, taking a sip, then passed the trick knife back to him. "That's hilarious. I can't believe you carry this around."
"Oh, I borrowed it. Figured if it ever came to that, this would be enough to scare Wylie." He shot Wylie a sly grin, one eyebrow arched.
"Scare me?" Wylie slumped against the wall, completely drained.
"You really thought your little scheme would fool me?" Jane's eyes sparkled with the delight of a prank well played. He turned to Lisbon, his gaze warm. "I'm so glad you played along, Teresa."
"That was fun." Lisbon smiled. "Besides, I'm tired of people gossiping about us at the office."
"True." Jane's hand settled against the small of her back. "Let's go, then. Things should be wrapped up here. Wylie can handle the rest. Right, Wylie?"
Wylie was too exhausted to speak.
"Oh, one more thing." Jane paused beside Wylie. "Don't forget to transfer the money to our account."
"What?" Wylie straightened up.
Jane tapped his lips. "Didn't you check who placed bets? Teresa and I put down the biggest ones. You're the bookie—time to pay up."
"I'm the bookie?" Wylie pointed at himself, then frantically checked his phone. Sure enough, there were two unfamiliar account numbers, the names spelled in reverse—which, when flipped, read Patrick and Teresa.
"Oh God!" Wylie couldn't believe it.
But Lisbon and Jane were already gone, having said their goodbyes to Tracy and Heidi on the way out.
Walking toward the car, Jane couldn't help asking, "Teresa... my mushroom cream risotto. Do you actually hate it?"
"Of course not." Lisbon looped her arm through his. "I love it. I hope you'll keep making it."
A smug smile spread across Jane's face. "Oh. I—I knew it."
"So tonight—" Lisbon's eyes sparkled with anticipation.
"Tonight, let's actually enjoy some time alone. Cho said he'd watch Millie for us."
"Now that's what I call a plan." Lisbon leaned into the thought.
"Jane! Lisbon!" Wylie came rushing out. "You're not taking me with you?"
Jane wagged a finger. He and Lisbon slipped on their sunglasses in perfect sync. "We don't take little troublemakers." With that, he slid into the driver's seat.
Lisbon waved Wylie off with a smile, then called out, "Jane. Take it slow."
"Oh, Teresa. You love my fast driving, don't you? Let's go for a spin. We can afford the tickets now."
Lisbon rested her chin on the window, her gaze soft, warm. "I love this. I hope tonight never ends."
"It never will, Teresa."