Chapter Text
“You can do this.”
Carla looked at Lisa, who in turn gazed at her with so much belief and trust in her eyes. It made her heart clench inside her chest just a little bit. It almost made her believe she could do this. Take care of a small child. A baby, her niece. Carla bit her lip, a light sheen of tears still visible in her eyes. Her fiancée was softly rubbing her back, saying nothing - just letting her be fragile for a moment without immediately picking up the pieces. The softness of it all made Carla almost want to cry, never having had the space to just be. To feel safe and supported in all the ways she needed. A tiny smile widened the corners of her mouth. A smile that said ‘thank you for giving me the space to talk about this freely without judgement’ and ‘I love you for being so understanding’. At least, Carla hoped it did. Her hand slowly slid into Lisa’s as if they were magnetized, as if they were meant to hold one another. Fitting in just right like two puzzle pieces. She squeezed the blonde’s hand and let her thumb roam against the back of her hand.
Clichéd butterflies swirled through her stomach, along with something else. Hope, maybe. A smidge of something that made her believe she could do this, or at least try. She wanted to. Carla knew that baby Connie wasn’t to blame for Rob’s mistakes; she didn’t ask to be brought into this life. The brunette just hoped she wouldn’t disappoint her, or Lisa somehow. But Carla just had to try.
And of course, it seemed like the baby could sense the shift in the air. Tension lightening just a bit. She chose that moment to start fussing. Her cute soft cooing turned into distressed whimpers. Her eyes slid back almost instantly to Lisa, slightly widened from instant panic. Her fiancée crossed her arms, a defiant smile on her face as she leant back into the sofa.
Right. Lisa wanted her to try. She could do this. Right?
A slow breath in and out. And then Carla stood up. Slowly making her way over to the tiny human. Her niece’s face was scrunched up, her little bottom lip jutting out. The girl reached out with grabby hands towards her. God, she was really cute. Carla certainly couldn’t deny that.
Another breath in and out as she slowly picked up the child. Her hands lightly shook with fear and insecurity as her brain rattled off every silly thought of what could happen whilst she was holding her. Her body stiffened, shoulders tight as if she’d just put on a suit of armor. As if she was protecting herself and by extension little Connie. Carla couldn’t really help it. The feeling of a small, fragile baby inside her arms just felt so unknown(?) and unsure. Her hands were so used to the feeling of fabric, and paper contracts. Not a squirming baby that now depended on her and Lisa. Mostly Lisa. For now.
One hand cupped the back of Connie’s head, the other slid to hold her bottom. For some reason, that seemed like a comforting pose to her. She then moved, slightly robotic in her movement as she rocked the six-month-old delicately up and down. As if Connie was made from glass, and Carla was too afraid to somehow break her. Somehow taint her with her non-maternal fingers. “I got this.” She softly whispered to herself. Repeating it over and over when Connie’s whimpers now turned into soft cries. The woman’s eyes flitted over to Lisa’s again, silently questioning what she was doing wrong. The blonde wordlessly patted the spot next to her on the sofa. “What’s up with you, ‘ey?” Carla asked whilst still rocking the child as she made her way back over. Slipping back onto the sofa, her niece’s head now pressed against her chest. Bright blue eyes, still clouded with tears and her little hand gripping the collar of Carla’s shirt. A wail leaving the little one’s throat.
Carla’s first instinct was to hold the baby back up, holding her out towards Lisa to take. But Lisa, she didn’t bite. Her arms still crossed as she raised an eyebrow. “Lise, please. I’m sure she wants you to hold her.” The tone in her voice almost dripping with sadness and self-deprecation. The blonde just shook her head. Instead, she let her hands wander. First, she unfurled one of the many muslins she’d just folded, putting it over Carla’s shoulder. Then, her right hand slowly guided Connie back to where she just was. Her little cheek pressed against the brunette’s upper body. A tiny bit of drool escaped from her mouth onto the fabric of the muslin. She watched as Carla finally exhaled. Her body posture softening just a bit as she got used to simply holding her.
“See? Just hold her. That’s all she needs. For right now, anyway,” Lisa smiled softly. “Yeah..” Carla whispered back, in fear of speaking too loud and somehow still spooking the child now quietly resting in her arms.
A couple minutes passed. The two of them just listened to every coo and gurgle that came out of the kid’s mouth. Carla felt the little chubby arms almost reach up around her neck and it felt like the kindest embrace. Connie giggled as her fingers found something more exciting: the glimmering rose-golden necklace she was wearing. She pulled it, once. Then, again, this time using all the strength she had. Which wasn’t much. “Oh no, kid. Don’t be doing that, it’ll cost you a fortune.” Carla said, booping the girl on her nose once. Which, in turn, made the latter giggle once more. Lisa watched fondly as those teeny fingers formed into a fist and made its way into her mouth. “Uh, oh. Someone’s hungry.”
The blonde stood up, leaving the two now bonded family members by themselves. It didn’t go unnoticed by Carla, obviously, as she almost shot up from the couch too.
“Where are you going?”
Lisa grinned. Not in a way to feed her wife-to-be’s insecurities. But a soft smile. A calm one. One she hoped would make Carla feel at ease. “I.. am getting her bottle. She needs to eat, darling.” She finally replied, grabbing a freshly cleaned bottle from the sink. First, she washed her hands, then added water to the bottle. Lisa bit back another smile as she felt Carla’s eyes follow her every moment. Saving every single movement, every transaction. So she could do it too. By herself. And Lisa knew she could do it. Having added a scoop of baby formula, she shook it until it dissolved into the hot water inside it. Carla watched as Lisa waited patiently for a few minutes. Holding out her wrist and squeezing out a drop of it onto her bare wrist. Seemingly testing the temperature. Carla stored it all for later. It seemed like very useful information to note. Especially if they were going to do this. Together.
“All right, angel, here’s your bottle.” Lisa spoke, in a high-pitched voice. Her hand touched the top of Connie’s head as she smoothed down the child’s hair just a bit. She handed the bottle to Carla. Who looked at her. To the bottle. Back to Connie.
“Um..”
“Just rotate her a bit in your arms, love. Your arm around her.. Yeah, that’s it. You didn’t even need my help, sweetheart.”
Lisa practically beamed as Carla’s instincts took over. Baby Connie now leaning comfortably in the crook of the brunette’s arm. Her little grabby hands reached out towards the bottle, her ruby lips opening in anticipation. She watched as Carla guided it towards her niece who took it graciously. The baby suckled away, eyes closed. Content.
The blonde’s cheeks almost hurt from smiling when she watched Carla’s eyes light up. Her shoulders relaxed, her fingers of one hand rubbing Connie’s arm. Carla, in turn, let out a happy chuckle. Her eyes focused on the tiny human in her lap. She only looked up when her fiancée pressed a soft kiss against her temple. “What was that for?” She questioned with a grin.
“For being you. I knew you could do it, you know.” Lisa snickered back, wandered towards the kitchen. “Do you want some tea?”
Carla looked back at Connie, who was still happily suckling away, her niece’s bright blue eyes meeting her own green ones. The smile still lingering on her lips.
“Yeah, I’d love that, ta.”
3:57 a.m.
Red, blinking digits on her alarm clock.
Carla had been staring at it ever since Lisa had gone downstairs for Connie’s night feed. She remembered the gentle kisses pressed into her hair and on her shoulder, left by her fiancée’s soft lips as she slipped out of bed. A murmur of apology and the thud of the bedroom door closing.
She was sure it had been almost half an hour, and that was way too long in her opinion. She wanted Lisa close, arms wrapped around her waist and her warm cheek pressed on her chest. Golden hair splayed out on Carla’s shoulder, the latter’s fingers magnetically being drawn to it. Looping it around her fingers and then letting it slip through softly as she fell asleep. Since Carla moved back in, this had been their new bed-time routine. And now, it was the only way she could sleep through the night; with Lisa by her side and as close as humanly possible.
Another minute passed. Carla’s hand resting on the now cooled spot of the bed. A minute too long. She sat up with a light groan, wincing at the cold air as she peeled the bed sheets off of her body. Slipping her feet into some fuzzy slippers, Carla made her way downstairs. Treading down the stairs slowly to avoid the steps creaking and maybe waking Connie. Or Lisa. Or both.
She paused on the bottom step, peering into the baby’s empty cot. Then, to the couch, where it was seemingly empty also. The room was barely lit, all the light coming from the kitchen. She made her way over there. Peeked around the corner. And what she saw made her heart grow about three sizes.
There was Lisa, holding Connie in her arm. Locked in a silly dance that consisted of Lisa twirling around whilst booping the little girl’s nose. There were matching wide grins on their faces. No music, obviously, because it was in the middle of the night. But there were quiet happy gurgles and soft giggles. It was beautiful. Carla wished she could take a picture of this exact moment - it was something she would remember forever, probably.
Her fiancée, clad in one of Carla’s black bathrobes, her hair up in a messy bun. Strands of it falling out and framing her face nicely. The way the moonlight shone down on the two of them made it look like they were a piece of a painting. Carla melted, literally. Her shoulders slackening. Her lips curled into a soft, slow smile.
This. This is her family. From the sometimes grumpy teenager currently sleeping upstairs, a girl that loved so fiercely when you got through her defenses. The girl who’d accepted her and who now started to feel like she was Carla’s own daughter. Ryan, her nephew, who’d stuck with her through thick and thin and vice versa. Her newly found niece, baby Connie. The little girl who had been handed to them, had been stuck with them for not even a day. A human reminder of her mistakes. Bright blue eyes just like what used to be Carla’s baby brother. Haunting. But it wasn’t the kid’s fault. She, and Lisa, were going to make sure Connie would have the best time for however long they had her.
And then. There was Lisa. Her fiancée, who deserved a paragraph dedicated to her and more. The blonde that had stolen her heart and Carla never wanted it back. Lisa was the love of her life, her wife-to-be. She had never believed in fate, but god. Lisa made her want to believe. After all the hurdles and obstacles that had to be overcome, they finally were happier than ever. She just couldn’t wait for their wedding next month, to finally become Lisa’s wife and also gain one.
With that soft smile still on her face, she gently leaned against the wall. Watching the antics happen in front of her eyes.
“The kid’s supposed to be asleep, you know this, right?”
Lisa almost jumped in the air, holding Connie tight to her chest. She turned around so quick with an expression that looked just like one a deer in headlights would have. “You…” She exhaled, continuing to rock her arms gently. “You scared me, Connor,” she paused, checking the baby over. “It seems Connie here is immune to your little scare antics. Aren’t you? Huh?” Lisa’s voice turned into her ‘baby voice’ near the end, directing the question at little Connie. Carla just watched as the blonde tickled the happy baby and then pressed a kiss on her head.
“And yeah, I know. I heard her fussing around so I decided to take a look and then I found her just babbling away in her cot. I couldn’t stay away.” Lisa smiled. “Did I wake you?” She asked, moving to rest Connie’s cheek against her shoulder, still rocking away but in a hopefully calming way.
“No, no..” Carla averted her eyes, fumbling with the big rock sitting on her left ringfinger. That soft smile finding its way onto her face again. “I just missed you, is all. The bed’s not comfortable without you.” She softly admitted, suddenly feeling quite shy about the fact she sounded so fragile, so.. open. But before she knew it, Connie was put back in her crib and Lisa’s soft hands found Carla’s cheeks and pulled her into a loving kiss. Not a passionate one, just a press of lips, really. But it was enough. Enough for this moment. It tasted sweet and Carla smiled into it, her cheeks aching with the amount of smiling she’d been doing lately. She swept her thumb over Lisa’s cheekbone, pressing lightly into the kiss before retreating. She leaned her forehead against her fiancée’s. Both women had their eyes closed as if they were reliving what they’d just shared.
“You can go up, I’ll finish up here and get this one to sleep.” Lisa whispered, one of her hands finding Carla’s. She caressed the palm of her hand, her light green eyes blinked at her softly. “Hmm..” The brunette couldn’t resist and stole one small kiss. “You should get some sleep, babe. Your first day off desk duty is today. You need to be your best.”
Lisa shot her a questioning look.
“Are you sure? You know I can get her to..”
Carla shook her head. “Get that bum upstairs, Swainy. Connie and I’ve got it handled. Right, Con?” She smirked as the child, still in the room, squealed happily in reply. The blonde grinned back, her cheeks lightly tinted pink. “Fine, you two. Be good,” Lisa said, taking one more peek into the cot and making a silly face. “And you, I’ll see you in a bit. Don’t be too long.” She winked as she walked up the stairs.
“Yeah, see you, Lise.”
One more shared look.
And then Carla turned around towards the baby. “Right, little missy. Let’s get you to sleep, huh?” She asked as she picked her up and sat down on the sofa with her in her lap. She watched as Connie reached out towards her with a grabby hand, one which found the collar of her fluffy bathrobe. “What? Oh!” Carla replied, hoping she knew what the kid wanted. She held her bottom and cupped the back of her head, cheek against her chest.
“Should’ve grabbed that muslin,” Carla grimaced, witnessing the small droplets of drool slipping out of the kid’s mouth. Connie sighed softly in return, her small, chubby arms almost reaching up as if she wanted to embrace Carla. The right corner of the woman’s mouth lifted up. The small child seemed content to be in her arms, at least for now. That was good enough, for Carla.
She let her hand brush against the kid’s back.
“Time to sleep, darling. Come on..” She paused. Letting her arms softly rock her before continuing with her sentence. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star.. how I wonder what you are..” She softly sung, her words meeting silence.
“Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky…”
She recited the song, or at least, the only parts she knew. It seemed to work, as baby Connie was now happily snoring away. Her little hands were still grasping Carla’s bathrobe so tightly as if she did not want to let go. Carla let out a tiny sigh. She decided it was okay, just for a few minutes.
“You’re too cute for your own good, kid.”
She whispered and then rested her cheek against Connie’s head, closing her eyes. Just for a bit.
Little did she know, her wife-to-be had been lovingly watching the two of them from the spot on the stairs she’d been all this time.
After a long day, having stayed home with Connie, Carla had fallen asleep on the couch. Spark out. Dead to the world.
She’d walked around the cobbles with the pram, had a coffee at Roy’s and with the help of Mary, she finally felt a little bit more comfortable in herself. In holding Connie with a lot more confidence. It had helped. Slowly but surely, Carla was learning.
It was currently almost 6 P.M.
The sound of distant music, hushed voices and baby gurgles. The subtle smell of what had to be lasagna in the oven. It felt like pure domestic bliss.
Carla cracked one eye open, stretching out her arms as she did so. A light groan leaving her lips, alerting everyone that she had finally awoken. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the detective and her niece. The baby was half-asleep against Lisa’s chest. Head on her shoulder, eyes sleepily blinking in Carla’s direction. The blonde woman lit up as she found Carla’s gaze.
“Hey, sleepy head, are you finally awake?”
The brunette grimaced.
“Well yeah, because this one,” she pointed to Connie, “had me strolling around the street. She wouldn’t settle so I went to Roy’s. Thankfully, Mary gave me some pointers.” She sheepishly said, as if Lisa would be judging her. She knew she wouldn’t be, but Carla couldn’t help but feel slightly inadequate at all this. Even after the talk they had the previous night.
“That’s okay. You’ve done a good job, haven’t you? She’s all tired now.” Lisa smiled, softly, biting her lip as she caressed the back of the child’s head. A touch, barely there. Because she absolutely did not want to accidentally wake her back up. She slowly made her way over to the cot and put her down. Then, she joined Carla’s side.
Their legs touching, hands brushing against one another. Neither of them saying anything. Just enjoying the peace and quiet for the time being. After a few minutes of plain silence, Lisa spoke. “Tea is almost ready, by the way. Popped by Dev’s after shift and I figured something quick and easy would do the trick.”
Another beat of silence.
“How are you so good at this?”
Lisa looked up with a raised eyebrow.
“What do you mean?”
Carla sighed. “This. You’re balancing work, having to make dinner, and now are dealing with my brother’s offspring. And you’re doing it so well. Making no mistakes, always knowing what Connie needs. And me, well. I can’t even get her to lay still for a few minutes,” the factory owner grimaced, averted her eyes to focus on her own hands instead. “I wish I could be more like you. More.. maternal. I suppose.”
A soft gasp left her fiancée’s mouth.
“Carla..”
And Carla couldn’t take it. Didn’t want to hear the pity in Lisa’s voice. Or at least, something she perceived as pity. She abruptly stood up, walking to the kitchen. As far from her niece and Lisa as possible. Her back turned to the living room. Her eyes focusing on the time displayed on their oven. Her arms were crossed; body rigid. Carla’s ‘armor’ had been put back on. Some sort of coping mechanism.
A hand landed on her shoulder. Carla almost wanted to shrug it off. She bit her lip as a distraction, drawing just a little bit of blood. “Hey,” A soft voice came from behind her. Carla inhaled. Exhaled. And turned around. She felt the slight burn of tears forming in her eyes. Green met green. A shaky breath left Carla’s lips as she almost dared not to look at Lisa.
“Listen to me,”
The corners of Lisa’s lips lifted up into a sad smile. Not a pitying one. Never. Just one that conveyed patience and understanding.
“We’re both still learning, remember. You know I couldn’t get her down this morning. But you did. I watched you, with her. She fell asleep on your chest, just like that. And sure, maybe it looks like I’ve got it all figured out but I don’t, darling. No one does whilst having demanding jobs and taking care of a baby at the same time.” Lisa sighed. “I’m not perfect, darling. And we’re going to have many nights where she’ll want you instead of me, or vice versa. Connie doesn’t know. She doesn’t care if you’re maternal, or whatever. She just wants to be held. Or her nappy has to be changed, or she wants attention.”
Carla looked down at her shoes.
“You’re doing your best, Carla. You’re learning, adapting. You don’t have to be perfect at it. You just have to be there for her. And you are,” Lisa paused, leaning in to tilt the brunette’s chin back up. Their eyes meeting once more. “Not that it should matter, but I think, in fact, I know you’re one of the most caring, kindhearted people I’ve ever met. I know you’ve brought up and cared for kids that weren’t even your own. Simon, Ryan. Betsy, even though she’s definitely part of you, now.” The blonde’s cheeks turned light pink, her eyes slightly misty as she said that last sentence.
“She looks up to you so much. In fact, she’s definitely starting to take after you,” Lisa let out a soft laugh. “Betsy’s delighted to have you in her life. And so am I. You’ve changed us for the better, Carla. I hope you know this. You’ve always seen the good in her, right from the start. Even though she had a right gob on her, you’ve helped steer her into the right direction.”
Lisa looked around the room, of their house that was filled with so much love. Framed photos of their mixed family everywhere. “I mean, look at this. Look at what we’ve built. Look how Betsy is now. A huge part is because of you, Carla.”
Silence.
Then, a small sob came. And that’s when Lisa finally looked back at the woman she loved oh so much. There were tears running down her cheeks, her mascara smudged slightly under her eyes. “Oh, Carla, sorry.. I-”
The woman in question wordlessly threw her arms around the detective. Buried her head in her shoulder. Let her tears run. Her armor cracked and dismantled by the person she loved most in this world. Carla laid herself bare, fully and completely this time. Wordlessly conveying her fears and insecurities to the blonde. And Lisa embraced her, embraced it. All of it.
“I love you. Thank you for saying that, Lise. It truly.. It means a lot. More than you’ll ever know. And mostly because Betsy feels like she’s my own again. You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wished for. A love worth trusting, a love that feels safe. And a daughter. She may not have been mine from the start but.. I guess that’s what a found family is. I’m so happy we’re here now.” She sobbed, occasionally wiping some of the tears away. Frowning just a bit when she noticed the black, inky make-up staining her fingers. “Gosh, I must look a state right now,” she sighed. Lisa shook her head in defiance.
“You look beautiful. You always do.”
Carla, who usually never blushed, felt her cheeks heat up slightly. Lisa leaned in just a little bit. Enough distance still between them. Her thumb reached out to brush away the black off of Carla’s face. The brunette’s breath catching in her throat as her eyes slipped down to the pretty pink lips of her fiancée. She could not resist, closing her eyes and meeting them in a soft and loving kiss.
“I love you so much.” She whispered. Lips separated just a hair.
Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but they got interrupted by a booming belly laugh. It startled them, knocking their foreheads together by accident. “Ow! Connie!” Carla complained, rubbing her forehead. There was a grin on her face, however. She shook her head as the blonde retrieved the baby. Connie’s eyes were crinkled in the corners as if she knew what chaos she’d just caused.
“You’re a silly little girl, aren’t you?”
Connie babbled happily in response. Then, she looked from Lisa, to Carla, and back again.
A frustrated groan, and she started shifting in Lisa’s arms. Her own little chubby arms moving on its own accord. Towards Carla. She was reaching out towards her. As if Carla was the cure for everything. “Oh, I see,” Lisa scoffed, in a joking manner. “You want Auntie Carla, don’t you? Don’t you?” She squeaked out in her highest ‘baby voice’ she could muster. Lisa laughed as she tickled the baby’s belly, eliciting some even higher squeals from Connie.
“Here you go, here’s your other auntie.”
And Carla just smiled as she welcomed her niece into her arms. Holding onto her tightly, confidently, like she’d learned. And finally, she felt happy. Ready, to go on this little rollercoaster ride that went by the name ‘Connie’. She was determined to give the little girl the best time ever, for however long they had her.
Lisa smiled widely at them.
“See, she loves you. And we,” she paused, leaning back in to brush a thumb over Carla’s sharp cheek bone. “We’re going to be fine, and we’re going to be doing this. Together.”