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When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
There’s that lull, right in the moment when one’s body is fighting between remaining in a blissful state of sleep, or tipping over into consciousness, to allow oneself to wake up. Blaine wished more than anything that he could fight it; push away the inevitable and just continue to sleep.
But there was only so long he could push against it, especially when he’d been asleep for nearly sixteen hours by that point. His stomach was growling incessantly, the intensity of the furl of hunger in his gut nearly making him feel sick.
The bed was too big and it was bothering him more than it probably should have. The opposite side was cold, the sheets untouched, yet another aching reminder that Sebastian was gone.
Blaine managed to push himself up, swinging his legs out of the bed. Convincing himself it was better just to keep going since he’d begun to build up some momentum, he shifted his weight onto his feet, pulling himself upright. It lasted maybe a second before his knees gave way and he crumpled at the side of the bed.
Whether it was the exhaustion and intensity of all that had happened in the last few weeks, or simply down to the fact that he hadn’t eaten a solid meal in nearly a week, Blaine wasn’t sure. Either way, he allowed himself that moment, just to sit, head bowed, breath coming out in labored pants.
The wood floor was pleasantly warm beneath his knees, baked from the strip of sunlight streaming in through the gap in the curtains. When he finally opened his eyes, he could see the dust circling around him in the light, a sense of calm settling over him, at least for the time being.
“At least I made it out of bed,” he joked to himself quietly, his voice dry and cracked from dehydration; before he curled up into a ball on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest with a choked sigh. His gaze fell to the silver engagement band on his finger, scratching his thumb over the metal absentmindedly. How different things would have been, had Sebastian not left that day.
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
“What are you doing on the floor, beautiful?” Sebastian laughed softly, his face hanging down from the side of the bed. His hair was falling down over his vibrant eyes, his eyelashes still fluttering from sleep.
“I’m not sure,” Blaine replied quietly - to a room that was, in fact, empty.
“Come back to bed,” the Sebastian in Blaine’s mind yawned, arching his back as he stretched his arms above his head. His body was all smooth muscle, painted with trails of freckles and light hairs. “I plan on ravishing you at least twice before breakfast, husband.”
The front door of the apartment slammed, snapping Blaine from his daydreams abruptly.
“Sebastian?” he called out hoarsely, dragging himself to his feet and stumbling towards the door.
“Just me, squirt,” Cooper responded gently, flashing him a sympathetic smile. “I brought groceries,” he offered, holding up the bag with a flourish.
“Oh,” Blaine shrugged, turning from his brother and heading back towards the bed, kicking the door shut behind him as he went.
He heard Cooper sigh through the door and buried his head further under the pillow, until even the sounds of the city outside were just a muffled haze of noise.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
No one had seen it coming, least of all Blaine. The day before the wedding, he’d woken up in Sebastian’s arms, as always, rousing his fiancé with kisses peppered over his chest and face.
“We’re getting married tomorrow,” Sebastian grinned lazily, tracing the curve of Blaine’s spine, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
Blaine leaned up to press a soft kiss to his jaw before resting his head in the crook of Sebastian’s neck, breathing in his familiar warmth.
“Are you nervous?” he asked finally, pressing a thumb against the curve of Sebastian’s hipbone.
Sebastian hummed thoughtfully for a moment before smiling once more. “No,” he answered honestly. “I thought I would be but I just feel..calm. Like it makes sense, you know?”
Blaine nodded, his curls tickling at Sebastian’s chin. “I love you.”
Sebastian chuckled lowly, arms circling him tightly to haul him up so they were pressed together, chest to chest, nose to nose. “I love you too,” he whispered, sealing it with a kiss, hand firm on the back of Blaine’s neck.
Leaving Sebastian for the night had been bizarre in many ways; Blaine being so used to his presence and weight beside him at the best of times, but especially when he slept. Perhaps if he’d known it would be the last time he would see Sebastian, he wouldn’t have let him leave his side, traditions be damned.
The hall was beautiful, almost extravagantly so; lined with flowers, bows, ribbons and an abundance of light, that made Blaine feel like he, too, was lit up from the inside. He hadn’t been able to knock the grin off of his face all morning, his cheeks almost aching from the force of it.
“I’m getting married today,” he chirped for what must have been the hundredth time as Sam passed him his suit jacket, smiling fondly.
“Really? I had no idea,” he commented, earning him a playful nudge.
The pair made their way into the main hall, nearly tripping over a string of fairy lights that were still being fixed up. Sam caught his arm with a huffed laugh, mumbling something about hoping to get him to the honeymoon in one piece.
Every seat in the hall was filled; friends, family and loved ones smiling and chattering between themselves excitedly. Sam had one hand firm over Blaine’s shoulder, mostly to keeping him from bouncing up and down on his heels at he had been doing just moments before.
The doors at the other end of the hall opened with a creak, a fresh beam of light spilling in. Every head turned, expecting to see the other groom and his best man, but there was only one figure. Hunter stepped forward a little, eyes fixed on Blaine’s and hesitating just a second before he shook his head.
A shocked silence settled over the guests, Sam’s hand tightening on Blaine’s shoulder to an almost uncomfortable level. Blaine stood frozen for a moment, a confused smile slowly falling from his face. Without a word, he spun on his heel and walked swiftly towards the side door, ignoring the bewildered and uncertain faces of those around him.
He kept walking, through the maze of rooms, out towards the back parking lot where he knew his car was sitting. Blaine could hear voices calling out after him, telling him to slow down, to wait, not to panic, but it didn’t matter. Because none of those voices were Sebastian.
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Blaine drove for days on end, stopping only to down cup after cup of tasteless, questionably watery coffee from gas stations. He dodged endless curious looks and a few questions as to his attire; still dressed for the wedding, if beginning to look a little scruffy around the edges.
He didn’t even know where to look, hadn’t thought to ask anyone before he’d left, and most of Sebastian’s family had permanent residence out of the States anyway. He just thought that maybe if he kept driving, if he kept looking, Sebastian would appear. Tell him he was just nervous, that it was just too much. That he still loved him and of course he still wanted a forever. Yet Sebastian was nowhere to be found.
Ultimately, it was Cooper that found Blaine, instead. He cut him off at a service station just out of the city, dragging him back to his apartment with a level of persistence he usually reserved only for his acting masterclasses.
“Do you want me to stay?” Cooper asked hesitantly, unsure in a way he rarely ever was.
“No,” Blaine replied shortly, giving him barely a glance before he shut the door in his face and turned to face his apartment.
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
It was as if it had turned into a florist’s overnight. Bouquet upon bouquet of flowers, all with tags of congratulations and best wishes. With the flowers, there were presents, boxes with elaborate ribbons and sparkly gift wrap, that Blaine couldn’t even begin to acknowledge yet.
He threw his suit jacket down over the couch and tugged the bow tie free from where it had been hanging loose from his collar. From the largest bouquet, in the centre of the room, he pulled out a single red rose, closing his fist tightly around it as he made for the bedroom.
When Blaine awoke the next morning, there were deep scars torn through his palm from the thorns of the rose, his hand caked with dried blood. And Sebastian was still not there.
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
It took months. Months of phone calls, voicemails and messages before Blaine managed to get hold of any of Sebastian’s family members; having drawn dead ends with Hunter and the rest of his friends. But finally, Sebastian’s elder sister picked up the call, albeit with a reluctant sigh.
“Blaine, you’ve got to stop calling everyone,” Cassie murmured gently.
“I need to know if he’s okay, please, Cass, you’ve got to-”
“He’s fine, Blaine. He’s alright. He says he’s sorry.”
Blaine faltered, wetting his lips as he clutched the phone to his ear tightly. “Do you know where he is?”
Cassie ignored the question, gliding over it smoothly. “He’s sorry and he thought he could do it but-” Her voice became muffled, as if she’d put her hand over the phone. “What? You want me to say-? Okay, right.. Blaine, you still there?”
“Put him on the phone,” Blaine demanded, heart racing uncontrollably. “I know he’s there, don’t even try and lie to me.”
“Blaine.”
Nothing could have prepared him for hearing Sebastian’s voice again, the heart-wrenchingly familiar lilt of it clear even through the phone. “Bas,” he whispered, letting out a shaky breath.
“Blaine, just listen to me, okay? I really need you to listen.”
Blaine nodded, before realising Sebastian couldn’t see him. “I’m listening, I promise.”
“I thought that it was what I wanted - all of it, the whole forever thing. But..it’s not. It never was, it’s just not me. And you know that, I don’t why we thought.. Anyway. I’m not coming back, B..Blaine. You deserve someone who can give you that, because I know it’s what you want.”
“I want you,” Blaine pleaded, silent tears creating thick tracks down his cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” Sebastian murmured, the weight of the finality of it all really hitting them both for the first time in that moment. Because it wasn’t just an apology, it was a goodbye.
“I love you,” Blaine tried desperately.
There was a pause before Sebastian replied. “I know.”
Blaine bit down on his lip to stop himself from making a sound, not wanting Sebastian to hear him cry through the phone, when he wasn’t there to comfort him. When he was the one causing him to feel like that in the first place. Not that he could blame Sebastian yet; maybe the anger would come later, the furious hatred for what he’d done, and how he’d done it. But right then, Blaine still just wanted his Sebastian back.
“Just know this, Blaine. If I ever could have done forever with anyone, it would have been with you.” And the line went dead.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part