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Jyn made her way up the cabin, moving past the seated soldiers. She could feel the tension pouring off them, all of them. She didn’t know how to do inspiring speeches. At the moment, she felt more nervous than she wanted them to see.
And there was something else on her mind. An itch that gnawed at her, twisting her thoughts this way and that. There was every chance their mission would fail and all of this would be for nothing.
All the more reason she needed to know now.
She pulled herself into the cockpit, watching a moment as K-2SO and Bodhi ran through checks and systems analysis, double and triple checking anything that might give them away.
“Hey target practice.” She addressed the droid with a degree of teasing she knew pissed him off. “Give us a minute. I need to talk to Bodhi.”
“So, talk.” Kay answered abruptly, ignoring her teasing. Or at least pretending he was ignoring it. “I have work to do.”
“Alone.” She stressed, a little more forcefully.
Bodhi fidgeted, double checking a gauge. “Kay, that third reactor is still sluggish. Do you mind taking a reading from the power-coupling? If we need to take off in a hurry, we’ll have a better chance if it’s running at optimal.”
The request was polite and just that - a request. Bodhi made a point of asking, never ordering. It was one of the things Kay liked about the strange little man. He looked from Bodhi to Jyn and back again. “Are you sure you want to be alone with her? I don’t believe she’s entirely stable.”
Bodhi didn’t smile but his perpetually tense expression lightened momentarily. “Pretty sure she wouldn’t shoot me till we land.”
It was the first time Jyn had ever seen Bodhi crack a joke. If it was a joke.
“Do you want to know the odds on that?” Kay gave Jyn a long menacing look and laid a heavy wrench down next to Bodhi’s hand. “Just in case.”
Jyn crushed herself against the bulkhead as the tall droid stalked down the narrow access hallway towards the engine. “You two seem to be getting on.” She observed once Kay was gone.
Bodhi had turned back to diagnostics, scrolling through numbers that meant nothing to Jyn. “That’s not what you came up here to say.” He answered, his shoulders tight again.
Jyn lowered herself into the co-pilot’s seat, tiny in it compared to K. “You and my father. I need to know-” she cut herself off. She has rehearsed this in her head and yet now she couldn’t make herself say the words. “How close were you?”
Bodhi’s hands stilled on the instrument panel, his head bowed. He took a slow, deliberate breath before he turned to face her. “Galen was the best man I never knew. I loved him, Jyn. I will always love him. With all my heart.”
A look of shock and something akin to betrayal flashed across her face before she could control it. Immediately she hating herself for it. The way Bodhi flinched away from her. The suffering in his eyes.
He held up a hand, trying to stop her before she said anything. Trying to get the words out while he still could. “He didn’t feel the same way about me. Galen held me in friendship and high regard. And that was enough. It had to be.” His chest tightened and he looked away. “He had two loves; you and Lyra. Everything he did, he did for you and in her honour.”
Jyn fell back against the high curve of the seat, looking so small all of a sudden.
Bodhi moved his hands down to his lap, trying to hide the way they shook. “He talked about you a lot. There was so much he wanted to tell you. He never stopped hoping he’d be with you again-” He broke off, his voice cracking.
Jyn sniffed, looking away from him to the rushing star-field of hyperspace. She started to speak but her own throat was too tight. With a sharp nod, she got up and vanished down the ladder and through the hatch, closing it behind her with a bang.
Bodhi fell forward, face buried in his hands, knees pulled up. Trying desperately not to fall apart.
“You lied to her.” Kay materialised out of the shadows of the corridor, his bulky black shape stepping into the light. “Why?”
Bodhi’s breathing hitched harshly, his fingers digging into his scalp in an effort to keep the anxiety from overwhelming him.
Kay tilted his head. “Should I get Cassian?”
Bodhi shook his head, fighting to rein in the well of grief and self-loathing.
“You told her what she wanted to hear?”
Bodhi nodded.
“He loved you?”
Bodhi felt the knot in his chest tighten again, almost unbearable. It took all he had to force himself out of the foetal position. To make himself breathe. To make himself open his eyes.
“We loved each other.”
The words come out so small, so weak. Words were always too small for Bodhi. Galen was the poet; he could make what they had feel like something bigger than the universe, most complex than fate, more powerful than the Force. He made Bodhi feel like he was more than just flesh and bone; more than cowardice and guilt. That he was someone worth loving.
And he had denied it. Denied all Galen given and shared with him. For Jyn’s sake.
Kay watched Bodhi for a long moment before lowering himself back into the co-pilot’s seat, flicking switches. “I won’t tell.”
Minutes passed before Bodhi pulled himself together again, blotting his eyes with his sleeve. “Thank you, Kay.” He moved to hand back the wrench.
“Keep it.” Kay said loftily. “Cassian says I’m not allowed to hit her. But I won’t stop you.”