Chapter Text
Off to a great start today, aren’t we…
Kira thought as she hunched over the toilet, wretching into the bowl and clutching her stomach through bouts of dry heaving and stomach acid. She hated this.
It was early, maybe 5 something in the morning, far earlier than Kira usually found herself awake. She’d jerked awake to her stomach lurching, and an unappealing amount of saliva building up on her tongue, and threw herself out of bed so fast she’d nearly ended up face-first in one of her small fishbowls.
It was lost on her how long she’d been sitting on the cold tile, maybe it was a few minutes, maybe it was an hour. But the cramping and the heaving had yet to fully stop. Every time she thought it was over and made an attempt at getting up, her chest would tighten, and she’d collapse again, her stomach twisting in a knot so tight it would put every ounce of wilderness training Kira had had growing up to pitiful shame. So she stayed down, forehead pressed against the cool porcelain, waiting for the dread to end.
She sat in an agonizing silence for what felt like hours; even the air seemed to have gone still. So when the door to her dorm clicked open, Kira froze. Not moving, barely breathing, she’d be damned if anyone were to see her like this.
“Kira?” A familiar voice floated into the dorm, the door clicking shut behind it before what sounded like block heels paced around the space, presumably looking for her.
“Kira?” It called again, closer this time. It sounded light, feminine, a little sing-song-like. She still didn’t move; her head felt heavy, her body heavier. Sleep sounded so peaceful right now, regardless of the fact that she had a council meeting in a few hours.
“Kira!” The heels and voice were coming closer, the sounds bouncing off her skull like a jackhammer. She winced, trying to bring her hands up to cover her ears and very unceremoniously falling to the side from the lack of support and her foggy vision. Her head felt like it was swimming, and her entire body felt far heavier than it should have.
“Kira- Hey! Stay awake, don’t close your eyes.” She felt hands around her middle, something warm and soft on her face, and the voice was right in her ear.
“Mhgm- Stop talkin’ so loud…” She tried to say, her words slurring. She tried to flex her hand, now cradled in what felt like the familiarly gentle hold of her girlfriend, but only managed to stretch her fingertips over the soft surface, squeezing them.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” The voice softened, smoothing over the pounding in Kira’s ears and head. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong, okay?” A light touch spread over her back, rubbing small circles that made Kira’s muscles feel less like lead and a little more malleable.
“Who ev’n are you…How’d you get ‘n my room.” Her voice came out weak, uncontrolled. The opposite of what she’d wanted, but her muddled mind couldn’t really comprehend the difference at the moment.
“I’m Yumeko.” The voice said, firmly. Kira squinted, lips parted in concentration as her vision cleared in increments. When the rough outline of her girlfriend’s signature bangs and light red lip caught her vision, she gasped.
“Yumiii~” She giggled, giggled. Yumeko froze,
Kira Timurov didn’t giggle.
“Kira, sweetie. Tell me what happened. Did you take something? Did you eat something bad? Maybe you drank something you’re allergic to.” She tried to keep her voice calm, splaying her palm across Kira’s chest to check her heart rate. It came in sporadic sets. Slow and fast at all the wrong times, her breathing also seemed shallow.
“Kira!” Yumeko shook her shoulder, irritating the ache in her head.
“Ugh- I’m fine…J’st a headache…I took s’me meds for it last night. Like you told me to…What’s the big deal..” Kira whined. Heavy hands crawled up to clamp over her eyes; her vision was starting to swim again, and her skin was crawling.
“Kira, what did you take? And how much did you take? Did you take it with water wha-” Yumeko sat up, looking around the bathroom in search of any evidence.
Her eyes landed on an orange prescription bottle near the back of the counter behind the sink faucet. It sat right next to a half-empty, unlabeled bottle that was clearly some sort of contraband.
“Kira, answer me.” Yumeko barked, panicked as she propped the other woman up against the tub, shooting up and grabbing the bottle.
“Clonazepam…Kira, why do you have emergency seizure medication?” She tried to stop herself from shouting, but the shock that physically knocked her back a few steps outweighed the logic in her system.
“Clona- what now? ‘Fuck are you talking about Jabami..?” Kira groaned, trying to hold her weight up against the bathtub.
“Did you throw up just now?!” Yumeko asked, ignoring the previous statement from her clearly delirious girlfriend.
“Yeah…it was gross, and not super productive…” Kira coughed, feeling her stomach tighten and clench again.
She couldn’t shove herself up to move before her chest squeezed and the heaving started again, stomach acid and something powder-like spilling off her lips and down her shirt. Yumeko looked away, trying her best not to gag.
“Okay- well…thats-thats something. We need to get it out of your system, you and hospitals wouldn’t mix well…” She croaked, trying her best not to react badly to the rather disgusting sight in front of her. She composed herself quickly, wetting a washcloth in warm water and kneeling back down by her girlfriend. She wiped her face carefully, cleaning off her shirt before helping Kira wiggle out of it, and tugging the soiled shorts off her legs.
Kira shivered, her skin making full contact with the cold tile despite how warm she felt. There wasn’t more than a few seconds for her to register the chill before her chest lurched again, and Yumeko was guiding her back over the toilet.
They sat there for an amount of time Yumeko refused to reveal to her, Kira wretching until her ribs hurt and her stomach felt like it would be stuck in a permanent state of clenched agony, and Yumeko rubbing small circles on her back and trying to keep her awake. Kira hadn’t felt pain like this since she was in grade school, still getting corrections every morning for oversleeping. The constant hacking and gagging were cutting off more air than her lungs could handle, and eventually, everything went black.
— — — —
Yumeko’s grip hadn’t left 2 things in several hours. The arm of the cheap reclining chair the hospital provided, and Kira’s pale hand. Her leg bounces anxiously even though she knew the girl was alright, the coil of pain wrapping around her knee and upper calf going ignored in favor of the movement.
After she’d passed out, Yumeko didn’t allow herself to panic, she’d had years of traumatic experiences and her girlfriend fainting after taking way too much of some random medication she definitely didn’t need didn’t crack the surface—At least that’s what Yumeko told herself as she cried on the drive to the hospital, breaking speed limits that would definitely land her in prison had she been pulled over—
— — — —
She’d all but sprinted through the Emergency Room doors, Kira in her arms and screaming incoherently in Japanese by default. She couldn’t help the panic rising at that point. Kira’s lips had gone blue, and her breath became these odd sputtering sounds just in the back of her throat, like she was struggling to suck in air.
Every question a doctor or nurse asked her slipped right past the logical parts of her brain, and she ended up slurring together any syllable she could in her mother tongue, English not coming through or being processed through the haze. She was beginning to attract looks of pure annoyance and others of uncontrolled concern. Her head was spinning, and she felt as if she couldn’t breathe as Kira was wheeled away on a stretcher, people in white coats crowding her body.
More tears welled in her eyes, slipping silently down her cheeks while she continued to try to explain what happened in broken increments of Japanese, the nurse in front of her trying to calm her. Her brain felt like a scrambled mess, something she hadn’t felt since she was a little kid with too many thoughts and too few worries.
She sobbed harder, stuttering through cries instead of real words. Her throat felt tight, and her heart was thudding so harshly it honestly hurt. She felt herself being guided somewhere, somewhere the world quieted, and all she could hear was her own broken sounds and the crack of her heart in her chest.
It helped just slightly, the fog clearing ever so slightly, and suddenly she could see in front of her. 2 female nurses sat around her, one grabbing her hands in front of Yumeko, and the other pressing a stethoscope to her chest and back, nodding and saying something in English to the woman in front of her. Yumeko didn’t register the words; she was gasping for breath, trying to sift through one thought at a time amongst the noise shrouding her mind. Her hands shook so violently she almost thought she’d been going fuzzy-eyed again.
She sobbed into the silence, flexing her fingers and digging the points of her nails into her palms, trying to ground herself and think clearly. None of it worked; her head began to pound with the same heartbeat that clamored against her ribs. Her vision clouded again for a split second, falling back into what seemed like a never-ending spiral, when a gentle, low voice echoed in her ear. Somewhere close, but quiet against the thick mist, something she could finally understand.
“お嬢さん、お名前を教えていただけますか?” (Miss, can you tell me your name?)
Yumeko’s eyes widened just slightly, her breath hitching altogether before coming out a little slower,
“Yu-Yumeko Jab-bami..” She managed to sputter out between slow, labored breaths. The nurse nodded in front of her, a gentle smile on her face, before she spoke again.
“ジャバミさん、はじめまして。私の名前は秋山カヤです.” (It's nice to meet you, Ms. Jabami. My name is Kaya Akiyama.) Yumeko felt the fog clearing little by little, focusing solely on the familiar language rolling over her, questions she could answer, sounds she could recognise through the spiral. It calmed her. She nodded slowly, the shaking in her hands dying just slightly.
Kaya’s eyes remained gentle, her hand dragging in small circles over the middle of Yumeko’s back, grounding her enough to keep the noise dimmed. She allowed Yumeko space to breathe for a moment before speaking again.
“あなたの友人に何が起こったのか教えていただけますか？彼女はとても体調が悪そうでした.” (Can you tell us what happened to your friend? She seemed in very bad shape.” Yumeko shuddered, the barrier between the two languages crossing in her mind, starting to form odd shapes, scrambling her ability to speak as the memories of Kira’s dorm came rushing back.
Kira hunched over on the floor.
The sound of her wretching.
The way her grip went lax in Yumeko’s when she fainted.
Yumeko couldn’t help the wail that tore through her chest, the new onslaught of tears that came gushing up past the surface, her whole body shook as the images flashed in her head like a horror film. She couldn’t speak, the fog began to thicken again, and her throat felt as if it were being cut to shreds with a hot blade.
She reached into her pocket instead, struggling to clamp her shaking fingers around the plastic tube that she’d tucked away safely before rushing out the door. She pulled it out, letting it slip and clatter to the tile floor.
The second nurse, who had yet to say a word that Yumeko could understand at the moment, was quick to pick it up, releasing her hands altogether to check the label. The two exchanged a small, short-lived conversation that Yumeko failed to process before the woman holding the pills got up and left quickly. That did nothing to calm her nerves; if anything, the panic that radiated off of her sent Yumeko’s spiral so much deeper she didn’t know if there was a ladder tall enough to drag herself out of it.
She didn’t even fully understand what was happening; every wall in the room felt as if it were closing in on her.
The cold, sterile walls felt too tight, too quiet, like they were judging her along with everyone else in the outside world. Maybe they knew who she was, who her parents were. Had anyone found out what she did to Gabriel? To Arkadi?
Were they just irritated that she couldn’t speak in English?
She forced a sound up her throat; it burned like flames in her vocal cords. Her nails dug harshly into the meat of her thighs, another strangled sound squinting through her clenched teeth.
“ねえ、落ち着いて！深呼吸して、ユメコ。私の言うことを聞いてちょうだい.” (Hey, hey, relax! I need you to breathe for me, Yumeko. Listen to me, please.) Kaya’s voice remained steady, her touch on Yumeko’s back growing just slightly more urgent.
“痛い！ もう無理だ！I can’t!” (It hurts! I can't! I can’t!). Every nerve in Yumeko’s body felt severed and burned, her shoulders twitched violently with every sob, her lungs clenched, and her throat seized up as soon as she pushed the words out.
The world felt like it was spinning, out of control, out of order, out of place, out of everything. Kira would hate it; she would hate that she was spiraling, she would hate that she let go of control so easily. Kira would hate her.
Everything hurt so badly she hunched over, collapsing off of whatever she’d been sitting on. Her knees hit the tile with such a violent sound that it was the only thing that made Yumeko register how badly it had hurt. She writhed, crying out for a different reason now, her hands coming down to clutch her left knee in an iron grip. The muscles throbbed, her skin prickling under her fingers; she sobbed harder, her vision clearing slightly in the face of the very physical pain she felt now as opposed to the phantom fire she’d felt seconds ago.
“夢子、息をしなきゃ！今すぐ!” (You need to breathe, Yumeko! Now!). Kaya was yelling suddenly, her voice loud and firm. It made something in her head snap.
Maybe it was the resemblance to Kira’s own authority, maybe it was the mix of shock and being startled, or maybe Yumeko was truly beginning to finally lose her mind. Either way, whatever it was had a rush of oxygen flooding her lungs, expanding in her chest, and completely clearing the mess in her head.
“W-what..?” She panted, sniffling softly and flinching when she shifted on her knee. How did she get here? Where was she?
“あなたは英語を話します?” (You speak English?) Kaya asked, her voice more neutral now. Yumeko blinked absently, her chest sputtering while she rediscovered words, a foreign feeling in her throat now for a reason she didn’t understand.
“U-uhm yeah. Yeah, I do…It’s my second…second language…” She said slowly, looking around the room carefully. Kaya took the hint.
“You’re in the hospital. You had a panic attack when you brought your friend to us. We brought you to an on-call room.” Yumeko nodded, swiping the backs of her hands over her cheeks, gathering the drying tears, and wiping them off on her skirt.
“She’s my girlfriend…” Yumeko croaked, voice close to a whisper.
Kaya smiled softly, gently guiding the younger girl back up onto her feet, supporting her on one leg, “Well than you’ll be even happier to know that by the time we finish getting you checked out, she’ll be perfectly fine and resting.” She said, her smile curling something soft and warm in Yumeko’s gut that she’d not felt since her mother was alive. She nodded, taking a slow, deep breath and hobbling out of the quiet room with Kaya.
— — — —
After everything, Yumeko was given an ice pack, a knee brace, and a prescription for some pain killers and something Kaya claimed was ‘for her anxiety problems’ that she’d have Mary look over for her; to make sure she was understanding the dosage correctly.
She’d left the little bag ignored on the table in favor of holding Kira’s hand, her free hand clinging to the chair arm to keep herself awake and upright. She didn’t want Kira to wake up and think she was alone if Yumeko herself fell asleep.
Her body ached in ways she didn’t know were possible from doing nothing, her eyes stung from the fluorescent lights, and the craving to succumb to a nap. Her brain felt fried from the events that took place only a couple of hours ago; the only thing relaxing her was the knowledge that Kira was okay, just sleeping off the toxins and letting the IV connected to her arm do its job.
She’d been told it was something called ‘Emergency Flumazenil Administration’. And that it would only take a few minutes to take effect, but Kira would need to stay to be monitored for a few hours to make sure her Cardiac and Respiratory functions were all still the same, especially because of Kira’s previous heart problems, Kaya had said they didn’t want to take any chances.
Yumeko agreed.
She didn’t bother checking the time at many points; the ticking of the clock in the hospital room both irritated her and lulled her into an even more sleepy state, but still she refused to let her eyes close. She kept her vision trained on Kira’s face, which had gathered more of its natural pale complexion since she last saw her. Her shoulders relaxed further at the reminder.
She’s fine. She’s alive.
Yumeko reminded herself, sighing softly. She ran the pad of her thumb over Kira’s knuckles, the skin warming under her touch and bringing a lazy smile to her lips. Her girlfriend's warmth always brought a comforting sensation in her chest, whether she knew it or not.
“What’re you smiling about…” A voice croaked, making her flinch.
“Kira!” She howled, standing abruptly, ignoring the way her knee almost gave out as tears welled in her eyes again.
“Yeah..? Where the hell are we?” Yumeko ignored the question, instead crawling into the bed and curling against the Timurov. Kira was stunned.
“Yumeko…?” She asked quietly after a beat, her hand coming up cautiously to stroke her girlfriend's hair, running her fingers down her shoulders and over her back, feeling the way she was trembling all of a sudden.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you crying?” Kira asked again, worried now and still not fully aware of her surroundings, more focused on the woman in front of her.
“You- god, Kira, you scared me so bad!” Yumeko sobbed, her fingers tangling in the hospital gown wrapped around Kira’s body. Kira didn’t know how to respond.
“Y-you take a fuck bunch of pills and-and then what! Puke them all up because you regret it? Make me carry you to the ER and freak out in front of a bunch of people! I was so scared that I forgot my English!” Yumeko yelled, all the leftover fear from earlier boiling over into a seething anger. Kira just gave her a weird look.
“I didn’t take a fuck bunch of pills. I woke up, and my back was hurting, so I went for the Tylenol that Mary’s mother gave to us…remember? When she found out Riri and I cold turkey it if something hurts? She scolded us?” Kira said, confusion dripping in her voice as she restated the events of the last spring break, when they’d all piled in at Mary’s house for the 2 week vacation after Arkadi died.
Riri had gotten her period over the break, and when she’d mentioned her cramps were hurting more than usual, Mrs. Davis basically interrogated the sisters until she discovered who their father was. Honestly, her reaction had been quite mellow, and she’d gotten so mad she threw a fork so hard it stabbed through the drywall…
Yumeko looked up at her again, rage dying back into a warm confusion, her hands loosening their grip, although tears still sat at her waterline. “Kira, you took seizure medicine. A quarter of the bottle! Where did you even get it, and why take so much?”
Kira’s brow furrowed. “That’s what a housepet delivered. Riri texted me and told me that Mary’s mother sent me another bottle just in case we ran out. I had a house pet deliver it because I was doing paperwork, and that’s the bottle they gave me. It didn’t say how much to take for back pain, so I just did what I’ve seen other people do, I poured a handful into my palm and swallowed it with water.” She shrugged, picking at a loose cuticle on her finger. Yumeko groaned quietly.
“So, to be clear, you weren’t trying to kill yourself. Right?” Kira looked at her like she’d just offered her fried Koi fish for dinner.
“WHAT?!” She recoiled, eyes wide and a little hurt. Yumeko felt guilty just having asked.
“I know, I’m sorry! But what else was I supposed to think? What were the doctors supposed to think?! I couldn’t even tell them anything, I just handed them the bottle because I couldn’t talk!”
“Why the fuck would I want to kill myself, Yumeko?!” Kira shouted, sitting up quickly.
“I don’t know! Maybe because you have a history of suicidal tendencies?! Maybe the fact that your girlfriend helped you kill your abusive father less than a year ago?! I don’t fucking know, Kira!” Yumeko screamed, tears falling freely now. She stood up, fists clenched and chest heaving, her face turning a shade of scarlet Kira had never seen on the girl before. It made her pause, the more rational side of her brain kicking in despite the adrenaline pumping through her veins.
“Okay…okay. I’m sorry,” She sighed, trying to slow her racing heart. “I can see why it would’ve been a thought. But Yumeko, I need you to understand that that was when I felt trapped. I had no other out; I didn’t have any control or even the illusion of it. I’m better now.” She said, almost ashamed, talking about her past but not looking away from the girl in front of her. Yumeko sobbed, wiping her eyes roughly.
“I-I’m sorry,” She cried, sobbing into one hand, the other hand uselessly at her side. Kira leaned over and took it in her own, careful of the wires stuck to her other arm.
“I love you, I’m sorry I scared you. I’ll be more careful with medicine from now on, I’ll do more research or something. I’ll learn so this never happens again. I promise.” She pulled Yumeko gently back down onto the bed, letting her cling to her and not saying anything else.
“I love you too…” Yumeko whispered after a few moments, curling further into Kira before going completely limp. Kira let her sleep, opting to open the girl's phone and watch a documentary on sharks they’d downloaded to pass the time.
— — —
A couple of hours passed with a few visits from Kaya and another male nurse, who was clearly new to the job and very afraid of Kira’s stare, before they were given the paperwork to sign out. Kira had never been more glad to have turned 18 this year, or she’d have had to explain to her mom that, yes she overdosed on pills again, but no this time it wasn’t particularly intentional, and then Yumeko would know that this wasn’t a first rodeo, and her mother would try to convince her to go back into another facility.
Kira would rather explode than have those conversations again.
They walked out slowly, meeting the Timurovs’ driver at the side of the hospital instead of the front so that Yumeko had fewer issues getting in with the crutches Kaya had given her. The drive back was quiet, Yumeko falling asleep again and again and snapping awake to look at Kira with these wide, shell-shocked eyes that made her heart drop to her stomach before hugging the brunette tighter and whispering soft affirmations into her hair.
When they got back to Saint Dominics, they snuck in through the house pet tunnels, not talking the whole way to Yumeko’s dorm. When they finally arrived and dropped into bed, Kira sighed out loud.
“You’re not gonna tell anyone…right?” She asked meekly, her hands wringing together against her shirt. Yumeko shook her head.
“I wouldn’t do that to you. But you’re NEVER touching another pill bottle ever again. I’ll handle all your medicine. If you need it, ask me.” She sat up, Kira following. “I don’t want to treat you like a little kid, but you really, really scared me today, Kira…” Her voice cracked as she spoke, her throat bobbing before she spoke again, “I can’t lose you, 私の魂...” (My soul).
Kira swallowed thickly, scooting closer and wrapping herself around her girlfriend, careful of the brace covering her leg, “You won’t lose me, I wouldn’t do that to you. I didn’t almost die with you over your last name just to not take it as my own in the end.” They both chuckled wetly at that, nuzzling closer into one another.
They lay in silence for a while, the silence peaceful now instead of suffocating. Until Kira made a small noise in the back of her throat, sitting up just enough to peek up at Yumeko.
“You never told me what the deal is with the brace…” Yumeko facepalmed, a blush creeping up her cheeks.
“Oh, jeez It’s so embarrassing!” She whined. Kira giggled, wiggling Yumeko’s waist a little to urge her to continue.
“I was freaking out so much I couldn’t breathe. I don’t fully remember anything that happened or that was said, but I remember falling. Like my body just gave out, and then my leg hurt really bad, and suddenly I was aware of everything. It was ridiculous.” Yumeko chuckled, trying to make light of the original reason she’d been having a ‘meltdown’; she didn’t want Kira to feel bad.
“Anyway, Kaya said it’s sprained, and I fractured a ligament. Pain killers and a brace for 4 weeks, physical therapy for a week after to make sure it healed right, since I’ve never had an injury like that before.” She shrugged, wiggling her feet a little to show that it really wasn’t a big deal. Kira sighed.
“I’m sorry I worried you so much. I’ll never do that to you again, Yumi. On the other hand, don’t think you can brush this off just because I’m the reason it happened!” She scolded slightly, her eyes hardening just slightly.
“I’m fine now, if just a little tired, you need to rest. No gambling, no class, and no goofing off with Mary. I’m serious, okay? I won’t let you pretend you're fine just because you’ve got this whole school fooled with this ‘gambling addicted perfect enigma’ personality.” Yumeko was already whining and trying to compromise, though.
No gambling meant somebody could potentially take her place on the leaderboard, and she couldn’t have that! Then how would she annoy her girlfriend and ignore basic schoolwork?
Kira wouldn’t have it, though; she pressed a firm kiss to Yumeko’s lips before pulling the blankets up over them and adjusting their position so Yumeko’s knee wouldn’t be angled uncomfortably.
“Time to rest, you’re like a fussy child. You need to take a nap.” She said finally, tucking the blanket around them and wrapping her arms around her wiggling girlfriend.
“I am not a ‘fussy child’, I’m way better at cards than children. Hell, I was better at cards than most adults when I was 7!-” Kira cut her off with a chuckle.
“Just sleep~” She groaned playfully, “I’m tired, and I know you are too. You don’t fight me this much unless you’re exhausted.” Yumeko huffed but complied, snuggling closer and letting her eyes fall closed.
She was asleep, not 5 minutes later, although her grip on Kira’s shirt remained as firm as iron.