Chapter Text
“You’re my partner, I’ll be with you as we grow old,”
You promised to me that we would grow old together, that I was your partner and you were mine. I often find myself regretting so much, thinking about things in the past and how I could’ve changed them. However, every time I thought about you, I thought about that fateful night on the SS Burya. I might have never actually seen your dead body, only a photo I was able to see. Even though I never saw your murder, never saw your dead body, I dreamt it, I keep dreaming it, every night as I try to sleep you invade my mind, my thoughts, my dreams.
I almost wished I never agreed to come along with you, but if I did that I think I would regret things even more.
Instead of my questions being, what could I have done differently (which mind you, is already a very difficult and complicated question to ask oneself)? It would instead be, if I would’ve gone aboard the ship, would I have been able to save you?
Now that has me thinking, if I never would have agreed to this, never would have boarded this ship, would you have eaten the chicken? In order to not waste food, would you have eaten it and fallen into a deep sleep? You would’ve never met her, you would’ve never been killed by Nikolina Pavlova, maybe you would still be alive.
People have told me, namely Miss Susato, that thinking about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘maybe’s’ was pointless, a waste of time. All it would do is cause me to worry, to blame myself, I guess in a way she’s both wrong and right. She’s right in the sense that I blame myself but wrong in the sense that thinking caused it.
Ever since Miss Susato told me about your passing I started to blame myself, it was subconsciously at first, quick little jabs at myself, only being obvious if you squint.
“If only I would’ve woken up, maybe I could’ve done something,”
But then my thoughts became more conscious, I became more angry but not at anyone other than myself. My thoughts then turned into obvious jabs, I started tearing myself apart, believing it was my fault, that I should’ve done something more.
“I should’ve woken up, I should’ve been aware of what was happening, I could’ve done something- I should’ve done something… anything,”
Although, the thinking may have not caused me to blame myself, but it sure as hell reinforced the idea in my head. It’s my fault that you’re dead, I should’ve done something, I’m useless… a failure.
I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it, my best friend in the whole world, my partner, was dead and there was nothing I could do about it.
Do you know how much your death hurt me? How much it broke me? Now that you’re dead I’ll never be able to tell you how I truly feel about you. If you were alive right now, would I even have the courage to tell you? Would I be able to tell you that I love you? But not in the way you love your friends nor your family, but the way lovers would. I guess there’s no way to figure that out.
If I ever confessed and you accepted, would we even be happy? Our love is forbidden, I know that and yet I still want you, still want to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you.
No one would accept us, the fight would be hard but, even now as your dead body lays somewhere I can’t help but regret so much. If you were alive somehow, I wouldn’t waste the chance. I'd confess, tell you that I love you, that you mean everything to me, how proud I am of you, how much I care for you… how thankful I am for you.
I can’t help but think that you’re worth the fight, if it was with you I’d stay forever, and we’d grow old together. Maybe in another life we’ll see each other again, one where we can be together without having to hide… one where I can confess, one where I can be with you.
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Do you believe there’s an afterlife Kazuma?
If so, are you enjoying your life there Kazuma? I miss you, I miss you so much, I want to see you, I want to be with you. If there is an afterlife, and if that’s the only way I can meet you again, I would need to be dead to do so, right?
Would you be disappointed to know how low I’ve dropped? That I’m contemplating… well… committing suicide.
…
You know, I’ve never actually said it out loud because if I do then it all becomes real, the fact that you’re dead and I can no longer see you, the fact that I want to see you so much (to be with you) that I would take away my own life (kill myself) on the small, slim chance that there’s an afterlife where I can meet you again.
If you saw me now, would you think I’m pathetic? For wanting to see you so desperately? Kazuma… I’m so in love with you that it hurts, your loss hurts so much. Every day I think about how life could’ve- no, should’ve turned out.
You should be alive right now, you should be by my side. We should be together, growing old as partners.
We were partners, so why am I the only one still alive right now?
When I was first told that you have been killed I was shocked, how could you, out of all people be dead? For the briefest of moments I couldn’t breathe (I didn’t deserve to breathe once you let out your last breath), it was painful but it was also, in a weird way, blissful.
My mind was blank, I wasn’t able to think, wasn’t able to let my thoughts consume me and eat me out from the inside, slowly but effectively killing me.
If I were to see you again I think the first thing that I would do would be to hold you in my arms, feel around you to make sure that you’re real, not just a figment of my imagination, of my hope for you to be alive.
I can tell Miss Susato is worried for me, I can imagine why, I can see myself crumble in my own eyes and yet, I can’t seem to find the motivation to pick up the pieces and fix myself, make myself whole once more. If I were to confess to you, right now, would you accept? I hope so, but at this point it’s just wishful thinking.
You know Kazuma, the sky is beautiful tonight, on this ship you can see the sky clearly, the twinkling of the stars. I heard a tale once, that when someone dies they turn into a star, casting down their light onto those of the living. I wonder, are you up there Kazuma? Can you see me all the way down here?
Or maybe, am I just looking for anything to let me know that you’re still here with me?
We were supposed to have so many adventures in Great Britain, and yet it seems your adventures were cut short by an unforeseen accident.
An accident…
That’s what ended up killing you, an accidental murder by a young girl who was just trying to survive.
I know that she had a good reason to be scared, to be skeptical, but if she would have waited, just a few seconds more you would still be alive. Sometimes I wish you were actually murdered by someone, someone who had the intention of killing you since they first saw you, now it just feels wrong, like I’m in the wrong for being angry.
I’m so angry, Kazuma.
Angry at myself for not waking up and doing something, anything, angry at Nikolina for killing you, angry at the crew for helping her, for trying to cover up your murder, angry at the investigator who was supposed to keep you safe and yet, you’re dead.
I’m just so angry.
If I were to die…
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Would I become a star too? And, the star I become, will it be next to you?