Chapter Text
It began during Spock’s first semester at Starfleet Academy.
He was in the library, completing an assignment. A group assignment, supposedly, but there had been such difficulty communicating with the rest of his team that he found it easier to simply do the work on his own. It meant he had little time for recreational activities or socialization, but he was used to this.
He became aware of footsteps approaching. Spock kept his eyes on his screen, knowing by now that most humans found it rude to stare, even if they had been the source of a disruption.
But to his mild surprise, his visitor was a fellow Vulcan.
She stopped before him and offered the ta’al.
“Greetings, Cadet.” She spoke in Standard, but her low and measured voice already made him think of home. “I request a moment of your time.”
He stood. It was clear she had sought him out, but what would anyone want with a first-semester student? A concerning possibility occurred to him: had she been sent by his father?
“How may I be of service?” he asked.
“Please be seated. I merely wished to meet the new Vulcan recruit.” Her eyes scanned him, up and down as if doing a sensor sweep. It was a look he had received quite often throughout his young life, and— in the privacy of his own mind— he could admit that he found it somewhat unpleasant.
“And so you have met me,” he said. “I am Spock.”
She nodded. “I am Lieutenant T’Vin.”
Spock took that in, along with her appearance. Her dark hair was sprinkled with gray, the creases on her face just beginning to settle into their permanent homes. It was odd, seeing someone of her years serving as a mere Lieutenant.
“May I inquire as to your ship?”
“You may. I serve with the USS Lincoln, as I have for the past thirty-one years.”
And she was still a Lieutenant?
Something of Spock’s confusion must have shown on his face, for she nodded again. “Before the Lincoln, I served as Junior Lieutenant aboard the USS Reliant. I held that position for thirteen years. And before the Reliant, I was an Ensign serving in various departments for twelve years.”
A silence stretched between them. Fifty-six years in Starfleet, time enough for a full career, and yet she was a Lieutenant whose name Spock had never heard.
T’Vin lifted her chin just a fraction. “You are wondering how this came to be. I am not ambitious, but nor am I complacent. I do my work as well as any of my crewmates. But promotions are not based solely upon the merits of one’s work.”
Spock had to be careful not to frown. “Why do you wish me to know this?”
Her brows lowered slightly, as if she had some concern for his mental faculties. “When I first enlisted, I was not informed of the paths available to one of our race, or the social and political difficulties I would find in a Human-dominant organization.
“I regret very little of my career thus far. But I do believe I would have struggled less if my predecessors had fully prepared me, and I wish now to do better for any young Vulcan who should follow.” She stepped back and once more offered the ta’al. “Should you desire any further advice, seek me out in the Organic Chemistry department of the Academy, or on the USS Lincoln. Live long and prosper, Spock.”
“Peace and long life,” Spock murmured in return, although T’Vin had already departed.
Alone again, he found it difficult to return his focus to his work. T’Vin’s words troubled him. Vulcan was one of the founding members of the Federation; Vulcans had helped to create Starfleet. Why would a Vulcan have such difficulties advancing? Humans’ over-representation among Starfleet’s ranks was well-known, but to call them dominant was a stretch, surely.
Spock looked over his assignment and remembered the exchanges he had shared with his group members. T’Vin had mentioned social difficulties in particular; through that lens, he re-examined his own experience. His classmates were agitated when speaking to him, and he often had trouble understanding their idioms and cultural references. Perhaps that was what T’Vin had meant; despite their amicable history together, the two races did not naturally understand one another. He had certainly seen evidence of this during his childhood.
A soft chime alerted him to the library’s imminent closure for the night. With effort, he banished those concerns from his mind; he needed to complete this assignment.
Later, the idea came to him. T’Vin had been kind to offer her own services as a mentor; kinder still to remind him that he was allowed to seek mentorship at all. Perhaps that was the key to counteracting any pro-human bias in Starfleet: he would have to find a mentor for human culture.
*
- HOW TO TALK TO HUMAN BEINGS -
- GENERAL CHAT -
- JUNE 16, 2248, 20:56:03 PST-
user39585: Greetings, all. I am new to Earth and would like to practice communication with Humans. I have been recently informed that my education on the subject may have been lacking and if this is indeed the case, I would like to rectify it.
Tribbledaddy420: LOL every1 check out the new rp bot
KlingonKinnieOwO: omg
aged-like-milk: christ is there another one
user39585: Please explain these acronyms.
Tribbledaddy420: please explain DEEZ NUTS
user39585: Evidently my hypothesis was correct, as I have no idea what you mean to ask me.
Tribbledaddy420: @ballsdeep69 @nohomobromo @VulcanAssPinch GET IN HERE
aged-like-milk: guys cmon just block it
VulcanAssPinch: who called me
Enter your message:
Please explain |
But Spock never got an explanation, either for the names or the behavior, before he was kicked out of the conversation and banned from the forum.
He stared at his screen, utterly baffled. How had it gone wrong so quickly?
Perhaps this was simply not the best forum for him. He tried another, and another, and was banned even faster.
After that, Spock had to step away from the computer. He could feel the emotions rising in him— frustration, despair, and a deep sense of alienation. The quiet disapproval of Vulcan was one thing; this overt hostility from the other half of his heritage was quite another. For a moment he saw his future stretch out before him, and it was just like his past: a life spent on the margins of every society he entered, allowed only out of civility or respect for his family name, his company never truly desired. He saw T’Vin’s life, or his mother’s, except his mother had at least one defender in her bondmate, and even Spock’s own betrothed did not want him—
His computer dinged. He had received a private message.
VulcanAssPinch: hey
VulcanAssPinch: so r u actually not a bot
Spock stared at the message for a moment, then responded.
user39585: I am not sure I understand your meaning.
VulcanAssPinch: bc u rly sound like one
user39585: Please explain your username.
VulcanAssPinch: LOL
VulcanAssPinch: ok so yk the vulcan nerve pinch
user39585: I am familiar.
VulcanAssPinch: its like a joke abt that
user39585: My understanding was that ‘jokes’ are meant to be clever and amusing.
VulcanAssPinch: hahahahaha
VulcanAssPinch: my compliments to ur programmer, that was good
user39585: Do you mean to imply that one can incapacitate an opponent by pinching that part of the body instead of the nerves at the base of the neck?
VulcanAssPinch: lol well maybe if the vulcan doing it is hot enough they’d incapacitate ;)
user39585: Please clarify “hot enough.”
VulcanAssPinch: adequately sexually attractive ;)))
user39585: That is completely absurd.
VulcanAssPinch: idk man have u ever met a really sexy vulcan
user39585: I am beginning to understand why there is no such thing as social media on my home planet.
VulcanAssPinch: LOL yeah that’s smart. good for u guys
VulcanAssPinch: so why are you here anyway?
user39585: As I already stated, I wish to learn how to better communicate with Humans. Academic and professional instruction have proved insufficient preparation for informal situations.
VulcanAssPinch: lol so you joined a HTTTHB chatboard?
VulcanAssPinch: WAIT DID YOU NOT KNOW IT’S A GAME
user39585: Excuse me?
VulcanAssPinch: omgggggg buddy
VulcanAssPinch: “How To Talk To Human Beings is a PC-based horror-comedy game released in 2248. The game is set in an abandoned Earth colony in 2169, with the player character as an alien species who attempts to communicate with the Human crew without killing too many of them.”
VulcanAssPinch: im losing my mind u thought this chatboard was instructions
VulcanAssPinch: hahahahaha
Spock had to close the chat program to verify this. Indeed, a quick search proved that the stranger was telling the truth: this was the title of a computer game for human children. Perhaps older children, he amended— the image stills from the game were cartoonishly gory.
In his effort to socialize with humans in a more natural setting, he had revealed even more of his own ignorance.
Spock bit the inside of his lip. He was in control of his emotions. He was in control.
VulcanAssPinch: hello??? u still there
VulcanAssPinch: im sorry for laughing its just so funny. alien tries to learn human talk, gets punked by a hologame
user39585: There was nothing in the forum description indicating that this was a game title.
VulcanAssPinch: well yeah but it’s famous
VulcanAssPinch: you wouldn’t go to a justice league chat looking for like
VulcanAssPinch: actual freedom fighters or something
user39585: Am I to assume that “justice league” is another children’s game?
VulcanAssPinch: bro………
user39585: Also, I am not attempting to learn Federation Standard English. I am attempting to study cultural norms which were not taught to me as a child. I was unaware, for example, that it is apparently a human pastime to deceive and mock strangers on social media.
VulcanAssPinch: lol well ur not wrong abt that
user39585: Further, I question your use of such familiar terms as “buddy” and “bro.” We are neither friends nor brothers.
VulcanAssPinch: ok ok chill out
VulcanAssPinch: im sorry those guys were mean to u
user39585: I do not require your pity.
VulcanAssPinch: wasnt offering any lol
user39585: You have used this acronym “lol” several times. A search tells me it most often stands for “laughing out loud.” However, even with my limited knowledge of human social behavior, I am struggling to believe that this is the case.
VulcanAssPinch: LOL well its more like punctuation tbh
user39585: Fascinating. I did not realize you were familiar with the concept of punctuation.
VulcanAssPinch: like it indicates tone more than anything
VulcanAssPinch: omg ur an asshole
VulcanAssPinch: im obsessed w u
user39585: That is highly concerning. Perhaps I should leave and you should seek medical assistance.
VulcanAssPinch: relax lol it’s just hyperbole
VulcanAssPinch: i mean i like u. ur fun
user39585: You find this conversation fun?
VulcanAssPinch: yeah
VulcanAssPinch: wanna be friends
Spock had to read over the message a few times to make sure he had understood correctly. Friends? Had this interaction been friendly?
He scrolled up and read the entire conversation again. What exactly had he said to make this human like him?
Enter your message:
I want |
He paused, then deleted. He was not sure what he wanted.
VulcanAssPinch: ?
user39585: Excuse the delay. I was not prepared for such an offer.
VulcanAssPinch: lol do they not have friends on ur planet or sthg
Other Vulcans did. Spock did not.
He debated for a moment how to answer. Finally he decided on honesty.
user39585: Bonds of friendship exist on my planet. But they are not usually formed so quickly, especially between parties who remain anonymous.
VulcanAssPinch: oh i meant like on the site. i just sent u a friend request
VulcanAssPinch: so we can talk casually and stuff
VulcanAssPinch: i can explain human stuff to u and u can keep making me laugh
VulcanAssPinch: not like im asking to pledge eternal brotherhood or anything lmao
After another moment of hesitation, Spock accepted the request.
user39585: If we are going to speak further, I would like to request that you change your username. It is inaccurate and inappropriate.
VulcanAssPinch: lol r u vulcan or sthg
user39585: Yes.
VulcanAssPinch: wait for real??
VulcanAssPinch: vskfdjn
user39585: Please retype your last message.
VulcanAssPinch: oh my god
VulcanAssPinch: cant believe u tell me this now
VulcanAssPinch: ok ok i dont wanna change my brand across the whole app but now that were friends u can change how its displayed
VulcanAssPinch: go to profile, friends, right click on my name
- VulcanAssPinch has been renamed Human -
Human: got it?
After that, the stranger spent some time happily guiding Spock through a few hidden features of the messaging forums, giving tips on social media, and clarifying the intent behind some of the most common acronyms. Apparently their literal meaning was often different from their colloquial use, which seemed to defeat the point of an acronym, an observation that frustrated Spock and greatly amused his new ‘friend’.
Finally Spock noticed the time. It was nearly 0100 hours. He would have to either forgo his nightly meditation or delay the night’s work on his assignments. He had not even noticed the time going by; such unawareness of his surroundings had not happened to him since childhood. Clearly, the meditation would have to take priority.
He excused himself to his human guide and retired for the night. Meditation did not come easily, however; he spent far too long mulling over the conversation.
Was this truly how humans made friends?
Clearly, further research was necessary.
*
- PRIVATE MESSAGES -
- Human (VulcanAssPinch) -
- June 17, 2248, 13:28 PST -
Human: ok so good news
Human: I talked to the guys in the chat and they said u can come back
user39585: Why would I return to a forum that was created to discuss a subject with which I am unfamiliar?
Human: bc it’s fun! they got some good memes
Human: ill explain them t0 u I bet itll be funny
Human: cmon in the waters great [link]
user39585: Please explain your last message.
[…]
- June 18, 2248, 01:06 PST -
Human: ok ok im sorry for laughing but that was really funny
user39585: You were incorrect about the “memes” being “good.”
Human: hahahahaha
user39585: You were also in error regarding the general nature of the forum. They were neither welcoming nor interesting to converse with. The users calling themselves “Tribbledaddy420” and “ballsdeep69” were particularly unpleasant.
Human: I jsut snotredd\ my soda
user39585: Are you well?
Human: ok sorry im just laughing so hard
user39585: Perhaps I should leave.
Human: no no im sorry. its just the way you said that
user39585: I still do not understand how my manner of speech is so offensive to Terrans.
Human: its not I promise those guys are just lame
Human: also they totally deserved what u said to them
Human: especially ballsy hes a dick
user39585: Please explain your last message.
Human: hahahahahahaha
[…]
- June 21, 2248, 19:43 PST -
user39585: There are some things I wish to clarify.
Human: lol ok
user39585: You are not a child?
Human: im old enough to be here
user39585: That is not reassuring.
Human: wait how old are YOU
user39585: Eighteen years.
Human: wait really
user39585: There is no way to prove it to you without showing you legal documents. I hope you understand why I would be reluctant to do this.
Human: lol yeah no dw
Human: dont doxx urself for me
Human: obvi I cant prove anything either but im old enough to be on the world wide web all by myself
user39585: Please explain your last three messages.
[…]
- June 24, 2248, 14:51 PST -
Human: so ive been thinkin
user39585: I am gratified to hear you are learning to do so.
Human: omg f u
Human: anyway im thinkin i wanna learn Vulcan
Human: like the language
user39585: That will be difficult, as “Vulcan” is no more a language than is “Human.”
Human: ok I KNOW you know what I meant tho
user39585: Assuming you wish to study the language most commonly spoken by my people, the Standard English term is Golic.
Human: huh
Human: whats the vulcan word for that
Human: sorry the GOLIC word
user39585: The proper lettering is not available to me on this keyboard. I have been meaning to update it when I have a spare moment.
Human: oh whats ur OS I bet I can figure it out
user39585: Assuming you mean “operating system,” it is standard issue at my workplace. There are upgrades available but I did not expect that I would need them for one of the four most common languages in the Federation.
Human: lol well thats humans for ya
Human: ok so once u get ur sys upgrade and I steal a keyboard out of a school dumpster or sthg would u help me learn golic???
user39585: I cannot condone such behavior. However, if you promise to acquire the tools by means both legal and sanitary, I will consider assisting you.
Human: :D!
user39585: Please explain your last message.
[…]
- July 1, 2248, 21:34 PST -
Human: omg ur so bad at this
user39585: I am performing perfectly well for someone who has never played before
Human: like no games at all??
user39585: That is correct.
Spock pursed his lips at the screen; while the chat window had distracted him, he had failed to notice one of the little human caricatures approaching his avatar in the game. As he tried to move, one of his pixelated tendrils brushed against the human, causing a spray of cartoonish red blood and a sound effect very much like the final few pumps of one of the condiment containers in the Starfleet cafeteria.
Humans’ taste in entertainment continued to puzzle him.
Human: lol there goes another one
Human: u need an easy mode or sthg?
user39585: I was not aware that was an option.
Human: lol it’s not
Human: but gimme a couple days and I bet I can make you a mod
user39585: I doubt anyone would accept me as a forum moderator after I was banned twice.
Human: LOL nah they wouldn’t but those guys suck anyway
Human: mod as in modification, I can alter the game so it’s more beginner friendly
Human: uh. more accessible to a guy who doesnt play games 24/7
user39585: Please clarify the metric to which those numbers refer.
Human: 24 hrs/day, 7 days/wk
Human: so like all the time
user39585: That does not seem possible.
Human: lol its hyperbole, humans do that a lot
user39585: That seems dishonest.
Human: lol
Human: so do u want the mod or not
[…]
- July 9, 2248, 11:20 PST -
Human: happy now???
user39585: As you are by now aware, I am unfamiliar with that emotion.
Human: are you SATISFIED
Human: is it ADEQUATE
Human: have you RECEIVED what you DESIRED
user39585: There is no need to mock me.
Human: :(((
Human: cmon man I worked hard
user39585: Further testing and study is required. However, I do appreciate your efforts, and I admire your skill at programming. If you are as much of an amateur as you say, this is truly impressive. I am more than satisfied.
Human: oh
Human: thanks
Human: :)
[…]
- July 15, 2248, 12:47 PST -
Human: yeah I just do this on the side
user39585: Have you considered a career in coding?
Human: nah id just be stuck in an office all day
Human: I like these little projects but only when its my idea. and I like messing w/ someone elses system more than building my own from scratch
Human: also im not cut out for working with others or whatever lol
Human: maybe that sounds dumb to u
user39585: It does not.
Human: oh
Human: well what abt u?? if u went into the source code yesterday to look at all my little tricks then you gotta be pretty good at it too
user39585: Much like you, I have a passing interest in the field. And my employer places a high value on versatile skills, so I have found it beneficial to continue my studies, as you say, “on the side.”
Human: huh
Human: whos your employer?
user39585: For security reasons, I would prefer not to say.
Human: lol no worries
Human: oh hey before I forget I got a golic vocab question
user39585: I am certain I have an answer.
Human: lol
Human: gimme a minute to find my workbook
[…]
- July 21, 2248, 22:01 PST -
Human: you know you need a real name
user39585: I have a real name. I have already expressed that I do not wish to reveal it.
Human: well yeah but you need a nickname at least
Human: I can’t just call you ‘user’
user39585: I do not understand why you need to call me anything. Should you need to get my attention, this chat program provides the means to do so, as evidenced by those occasions when I have opened it to reveal fifteen or more repetitions of the word “hey.”
Human: listen if you don’t give me something I’m just gonna make one up
user39585: I am intrigued to hear what you come up with.
Human: shit ok gimme a sec
Human: …how about. Surak
user39585: Fascinating. However, consider that our studies will necessarily involve some talk of our respective cultures. We will need to refer to Surak often, and it may become confusing. As flattering as it is that you would name me after the most important and influential Vulcan in our history, I must insist upon something else.
Human: oh wait he’s the OG logic guy! couldn't remember where I actually heard the name lol
Human: how about uhhh
Human: isn’t solkar another famous one
user39585: He was the Vulcan who initiated First Contact with Earth. I would say he is quite famous.
Human: lol maybe we can be solkar and zephram then
Human: makin first contact on the internet
user39585: Again, I do not think it wise to name me after a historical figure. We may need to refer to him as well. Additionally, I do not believe that we are the first Terran and Vulcan to communicate via this medium, so the reference would not be appropriate.
Human: well shit dude I’m out of vulcan names then
Human: maybe I’ll just give you a human one
user39585: Indeed? Should I give you a Vulcan name in return?
Human: wait yeah that’s hilarious
Human: you can be
Human: Bob
user39585: I do not wish to be called Bob.
Human: how about Susan
user39585: I have already informed you that I am not female.
Human: Dingus
Human: no wait. Bingus
Human: how about Cupcake
user39585: Please endeavor to take this seriously.
Human: ok fine gimme some parameters and I’ll get back to u
[…]
- July 23, 2248, 10:38 PST -
user39585: I fail to see why you cannot simply give me a common English name. John or James would suffice.
Human: no I know a james and he sucks
user39585: Such is the nature of popular names.
Human: wait why does it have to be english anyway
user39585: I assumed since we are speaking that language, a name of English origin would be logical.
Human: well nothings really english origin is it lol
Human: they steal everything from other languages
user39585: Fascinating. You consider cultural inheritance to be theft?
Human: nah just the way england did it. america too actually
Human: maybe I’ll send you one of my old human history textbooks
Human: anyway do u have a name for me yet??
user39585: I suggest Nirak.
Human: oh that sounds cool
Human: what does it mean
user39585: I was not aware we were concerned with etymology.
Human: ill look it up
Human: HEY
user39585: I am pleased to know that you are making use of the research materials I sent you.
Human: ur so mean :((((
Human: ok but you gotta gimme something sexy. maybe something that means im a good student
Human: how about sarek that sounds nice
user39585: Absolutely not.
Human: ???
user39585: The name of the Vulcan ambassador to Earth is not appropriate.
Human: wow do all vulcans just know their random public servants or sthg
user39585: He is a direct descendant of both Solkar and Surak, and is somewhat infamous for scandal in his personal life.
Human: vulcans have scandals?????
user39585: As a comparison, I hope you would not name me after any human tabloid celebrities.
Human: ok im looking up this sarek guy and he married a human??
Human: and they made a hybrid baby????
user39585: Please excuse me. I am receiving a call.
Human: wait no tell me more about the vulcan tabloids
Human: :(
[…]
- July 25, 2248, 20:19 PST -
Human: ok mr no-name I found u some reference materials
Human: [link] heres a wiki of internet meme culture going back to the early 21st century
user39585: This is quite extensive.
Human: yeah I love that site
Human: [link] heres a dictionary of slang terms but make sure you double check with me before you use anything from it, sometimes its outdated or lying
user39585: What is its use as a reference text if it cannot be trusted?
Human: look its mostly good, its just sometimes meanings change faster than it gets updated
Human: or people use stuff ironically or different subcultures use the same word to mean something different
user39585: Human communication continues to surprise me with its penchant for chaos and misunderstanding.
Human: yeeeeeah lol
Human: anyway these things arent perfect but they should help
user39585: Thank you. I will make use of them.
Human: :)
user39585: :|
Human: ??
user39585: Have I used the “emoji” properly?
Human: well I mean they’re used to convey emotion
user39585: Then as a Vulcan, you understand that I would only need the one.
Human: oh my god
Human: im laughign so hard
user39585: :|
*
“Spock,” said his mother, smiling as she always did after a long time away. It was only a video call, or she might have offered some physical affection; as it was, she only leaned in toward her screen. “It’s so good to see you again.”
Spock noticed, of course, that his father was not present for the conversation. The two of them had not spoken since Spock’s rejection of the Vulcan Science Academy. Spock understood that as the younger party, he would be expected to bow to the wisdom of his parent and seek forgiveness first; but as he had made no error, he wished for no forgiveness. Sarek could speak to him again when he chose, but Spock would not chase him.
And Amanda would not come between her bondmate and her child, of course.
The conversation was neither long nor meaningful; Amanda confirmed that the rest of the family was well, and Spock confirmed the same regarding himself. She asked about his studies, and he told her truthfully that many of his official courses were so far below his level of knowledge that he found himself with more free time than ever before.
“But I am not idle,” he assured her. “I have been carrying on my own studies, independent of Starfleet. I have learned a new programming language, improved my general coding, and am able to communicate much more effectively with my peers.”
Her smile widened. “I’m so happy to hear you’re making friends.”
Spock was not sure what to say to that. His classmates were as aloof as ever, except for the occasional rude comment. Yesterday one of them had bizarrely asked if he liked dancing while their companions giggled nearby, which he could only conclude was meant to be mockery— but that was an anomaly. For the most part they ignored him, much as his Vulcan schoolmates had done.
In truth, the only person he spoke with for purely social reasons was his anonymous acquaintance— and for some reason, he did not want to talk about them with his mother.
Although…
“Mother, I have a question,” he said, just as he thought of it. “When I was created, did you entertain any other names for me?”
She blinked in surprise. “Well, of course we had a list,” she said thoughtfully. “Why do you ask?”
“A recent conversation with an acquaintance has made me curious.”
She watched him for another moment, but when it became clear he did not wish to elaborate, she sighed wistfully. “If I remember right, we had it narrowed down to about three…”
Spock listened, and considered each one. He could not think of any common Vulcan names that would fit his human conversation partner, but perhaps the name of a half-human would do.
*
- July 29, 2248, 21:06 PST -
Human: ok I got one you might actually like
Human: Isaac
Human: its a hebrew name and its kinda pronounceable in golic I think
user39585: I believe that would be an acceptable pseudonym.
Human: :D!!!
user39585: I have one for you as well. Lyras was the name of an influential poet, and resembles some human names I have encountered.
Human: “being who carries emotion” huh
Human: I like it!
Human: thx isaac :)
- Human (VulcanAssPinch) has been renamed Lyras -
- Display name (user39585) has been changed to Isaac -