Chapter Text
Jim runs into his quarters, cursing under his breath, as usual, at his first officer. This was becoming a common occurrence during the first few weeks of his captaincy. He tries to remind himself that he can't kill his first officer, even if he really wanted to. He was the one who thought Spock would make the perfect first officer for him. He blames the old guy in the cave and the things that he wasn't supposed to see in that mine meld, for giving him that crazy idea. This was a disaster.
They were supposed to be the best of friends and maybe even a little more. They were supposed to understand each other better than anyone else did. They were eventually supposed to have a love so deep and multifaceted that there wasn't a word in standard that could describe their relationship.
Yet, all they did was argue with each other. Half the time on the bridge, Spock made him feel like a two year old because of the way he questioned all his decisions. Other times, they clicked perfectly, as if they were reading each other's minds. That is what made the situation so frustrating. He could see the possibility of the two becoming that great command team that they were in the other dimension. Unfortunately, it just wasn't happening and that frustrated the hell out of him.
They argue too much. Maybe, that was his fault as well. He doesn't back down. It's a skill he acquired because of Frank and years of being made to feel worthless. He is naturally defensive and slightly insecure. Maybe, it was his fault he was interpreting everything as an insult. Maybe, he was just too damaged to be Spock's friend.
Even though he was currently punching out a pillow, wishing it was Spock, he still wanted to be friends with the irritating as hell Vulcan. However, he wondered if Spock wanted such a thing. At least, he was making an effort to be Spock's friend. On several occasions, Jim has invited his first officer to play chess or have lunch. Spock would turn him down instantly in the most Vulcan way possible.
Jim can't blame the guy for preferring to spend time with his girlfriend because she was hot. Okay, maybe he was a little upset about the girlfriend thing but he can't decide if he is jealous of Spock for being with Uhura or Uhura for being with Spock. It's complicated and maybe that was contributing to his desire to yell at Spock at really inappropriate times. Not that he would confess that fact to anyone. He wasn't really that comfortable with admitting it to himself.
Punching out the pillow was not alleviating his Spock shape frustration and he didn't feel like taking 'private time' to get rid of the Spock induced tension. If he did that, he would have to deal with the other Spock shape elephant in the room. He wasn't ready for that.
He thought back to when he was 11 and his mom made him see Dr. Suarez after his suicide attempt with the vintage car and the cliff. Forcing him to see a psychologist was how his mom showed she cared about him, even though she didn't divorce Frank for another year. Dr. Alayna Suarez was a good doctor and she wasn't scared off by Jim's usual antics. She worked with Jim until her death 10 years later.
She would probably be proud of him for actually reaching his potential. Dr. Suarez was one of the few people who always believed in him. She was the one who got him into a special gifted school in Iowa where he didn't have to deal with being teased for being the smart kid or being constantly attacked by his stepfather. Although, Dr. Suarez would probably have been pissed off at him for being completely lost that first year after her death. Her wife was furious. Thankfully, Pike was there to get him back on the right path.
Jim had several issues to work through during his teenage years including the death of his father and later the death of his brother. Because he got into the Williams School for the Gifted, he didn't go with his mom when she was assigned to Tarsus IV post-divorce. His mother received a medal for actions that led to dozens of children surviving the massacre but she could not save her own son. Sam was one of the 4000 that died on the planet. Let's just say this was why Jim spent a lot of time in therapy.
Dr. Suarez's favorite technique was to make Jim write letters to the people who drove him crazy. The doctor argued that sometimes you could say things in a letter that you couldn't say to that individual in person. Somewhere in a storage center on earth, there are probably dozens of old fashion paper letters addressed to his mother, father, stepfather, and Sam. None of the recipients ever saw what Jim wrote, even the two that were still alive, but it made him feel better. Maybe the technique could work with Spock.
If he didn't try something soon, they were going to have a repeat of the bridge incident. He doesn't feel like getting choked again unless a bed and safe words were involved. Due to the girlfriend, that wasn't happening anytime soon. Not that he wanted it to, sort of.
He preferred to do this in hard copy but paper was very hard to come by in space and he wasn’t going to visit his ship psychologist unless he had to, she knew him too well. Instead, he pulled up the e-mail application on his PADD and started to dictate. As long as he never sends these letters to Spock, he will never see them. It was the perfect solution.
Unfortunately, he breathed on the microphone at the wrong time and put in a command about sending these things to Spock that he was completely unaware of. Voice recognition software is evil.