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Why was he here?
Why did he come here?
What was he hoping to achieve, coming here?
A relief?
A respite?
Maybe just a fleeting moment of joy?
It certainly wasn't to have some space to think- it was too loud, too crowded, the sun was too bright- and yet... Thinking was exactly what Jonathan Sims was doing.
Well, technically what he was doing was standing in line for the carousel at the London Zoo. He wasn't even sure how or why or when he'd gotten in line. He'd just gotten past the turnstiles at the entrance and seen the gift shop, the kiddie train, the photo booth... and the carousel. The line wasn't too long- it was early yet- and the bright colors and cheerful calliope music was weirdly... alluring. He'd simply gravitated towards it, and now he was stood in line, watching it wind down to a stop as the previous go-round ended.
With a cheery chime of bells, it came to a halt, and the former riders began to disembark. Kids, parents, and couples got off, the children already dragging their parents towards the next attraction and yelling enthusiastically about their favorite animals that they wanted to see.
Jon found himself keyed into one child's voice, who was loudly complaining that one of the creatures was wrongly depicted on the ride. "Sharks have five gills!" He stressed to his mother and the pair of men in overalls that appeared to be the attendants. He gestured wildly towards the ride as he stressed, "Five! Not three! It's wrong! You've gotta fix it!"
"Quite right, little one." One of the attendants gruffed in an almost cartoonish cockney accent, "We'll get right on that."
"We wouldn't want it to be inaccurate, would we?" The other agreed with a similar accent, sounding like he was trying not to laugh, "Don't worry, we'll get 'im all fixed up. Ya can come back an' check 'im later, aye?"
"Can count 'is teeth, too, while yer at it." The first one suggested, before they both chortled like it was some kind of inside joke.
The mother, apologizing profusely, began to drag her son away. Only then did the attendants turn and open the gate, waving for the next group of people to come through. Jon found himself shuffled forward, and he had just long enough to think this is stupid what am I doing, before he was through the gate and walking around the carousel to look for a seat.
There was every manner of creature depicted in painted plastic and wood, most of them animals that were there at the zoo; from lions and elephants and gorillas, to bugs and fish and reptiles, all decorated with brightly colored saddles and harnesses and a twisting, brass-painted pole stuck through the middle of their backs like a kebab. Some of them clearly moved up and down, while others were stationary, glued to the wooden floor of the ride.
In the end, as one of the attendants yelled at him to hurry up, Jon clambered onto the ride and picked a plain, classic horse, which stood proudly between a tarantula and a peacock. It was painted white, with a bright yellow mane and tail and blank, blue eyes. He saw the name "Sadness," written on the side of the saddle in gold paint as he put his foot in the step and hauled himself astride its back.
What a weird name for a horse, he thought cynically as he settled, wrapping his hand around the warm pole.
One of the attendants walked around the carousel, presumably checking to make sure everyone was seated and children were strapped in, before he waved to his companion. Those bells chimed again, and the carousel began to move, grinding into motion with an unsettling squeal that was quickly drowned by the calliope music starting up once again.
Jon took a breath in surprise as the ride picked up speed, faster and faster, and his horse began to move in time, bobbing up and down to the music that blared from every direction. Jon had only ever ridden a real horse once in his life, and he was struck by how eerily similar the plastic one beneath him now felt to the real thing. If he focused hard enough, he would've sworn he felt bunching muscles and shifting bone beneath the plastic.
At the same time, it was exciting- a small thrill of delight shot through Jon's chest as the world around him became a blur of color and noise, and amidst all the chaos and motion, he achieved a moment of clarity, of decision, that he'd been subconsciously chasing since he arrived at the zoo.
I need to break up with Georgie, he thought, and tears began to well in his eyes, nearly wicked away by the wind, although he couldn't tell if they were from genuine sadness, or relief.
Things hadn't been going well with her for months, now. Even though Georgie was funny and clever and a very handsome woman, and they bonded over cats and paranormal stuff... Hell, Jon had even helped her start up her podcast! He loved her!
But... well, he didn't think he was in love with her.
That particular turn of phrase had always made him scoff, especially when adults or movies said it, but Jon got it now. Georgie was a wonderful person, he held no ill will towards her, but they just... didn't mesh right for things to last in a long term sense. It started with disagreements over what to eat for dinner, and had escalated to bickering over the littlest things, until cute little quirks of one another's personalities had soured into irritants. They'd never had outright fights or screaming matches, but after their latest disagreement that morning, well... that was how Jon wound up at the zoo. It was a better, if not admittedly weirder, alternative to going to drink his problems away, he supposed.
The sound that bubbled out of Jon's throat was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and he sagged forward, resting his brow against the pole in front of him.
He needed to break up with her. He knew he did. They were just going to be miserable, make each other miserable, if they didn't. He should've done it months ago, he was just... he was bad with change, he supposed. So much was changing; he'd just started a new job at an archiving institute, gotten a new flat, and now things with Georgie were falling through and he'd dug his heels in. He had to stop, though. For both their sakes.
He was going to miss The Admiral, Jon thought despairingly, and he began to cry even harder, muffling the sobs into the sleeve of his turtleneck sweater, which became stained and wet by his tears. The calliope music and screams of the other riders drowned him out for the most part, and he couldn't even be bothered to lift his head and see if anyone was staring at him as he had this little, much needed break down.
Jon wasn't sure how long he was on the ride, but it was long enough for him to have a good cry and pull himself together. He was actually feeling a bit better by the time he felt it began to slow and he sat up, wiping his eyes and forcing himself to take several deep breaths.
"Right." He croaked aloud to no one; he would break up with Georgie. He'd go back to her place, apologize for storming out, and ask to talk. Maybe they could even go get Hungarian food during, and maybe she'd let him say goodbye to The Admiral.
But, first things first- Jon was at the zoo. He'd only just gotten there, and Georgie probably needed more time to cool off. It wouldn't hurt to walk around, get his money's worth and all that, he reasoned as the bells chimed overhead; it would give him time to think of what he was going to say.
As the ride came to a full stop, Jon clambered off his plastic horse, giving Sadness a pat on the neck in silent thanks before he left. He didn't notice if anyone else disembarked the carousel, nor did he notice the odd, somewhat bewildered looks the attendants gave him as he stumbled away from the ride.
He wandered through the zoo at leisure, stopping at each exhibit he passed to watch the animals and read the plaques of information about the animals' diets, habitats, and the like. He paid no mind to the other patrons, and found himself... rather enjoying himself. He went through the reptile house, the insect garden, even the aquarium, before he stumbled out into the aviary section of the zoo.
Toucans and parrots and flamingos were all well and good, but far too noisy, and Jon was relieved for the relative quiet as he stepped into the building that housed the penguins, their outdoor exhibit currently abandoned as the ice birds sought refuge from the heat. There were only a few people in the exhibit, at the moment- a small family, and a lone, young man. Jon ignored the lot of them as he approached the glass wall that let him view the indoor exhibit.
The dozen or so penguins that called the zoo home were there, waddling about on the fake ice and making weird, squawking calls to one another. Some of them were diving and swimming in their pool, and the family descended a short flight of stairs that went below the water to watch them. Jon was looking for the information plaques to read, when he realized three things:
One, he was alone with the other man.
Two, that the other man was standing in front of the plaques.
And three, that he was crying.
He had his hands pressed to his mouth, an attempt to stifle himself, and was simpering and sniffling as he read the plaques. Then he looked up, stormy-grey eyes scanning the penguins through thick, circular glasses, before he began to cry even harder.
Jon just stared at him, baffled by the fact that he wasn't the only one who came to the zoo to cry in public. For a moment, he thought to just... quietly retreat, to leave the man to his woes, but it was the thought of "maybe he's going through a breakup, too," that made Jon take a step closer to his commiserator.
"Um..." He began eloquently, before he cleared his throat, "Are you... alright?" He asked as gently as he could.
The man looked up with a hitched breath, his eyes going wide, before he nodded. "Oh- uh, y- yes, yeah-" His voice cracked and he sniffled, giving Jon a watery smile, "S- sorry, I... uh..." He wiped at his eyes hastily, "didn't... didn't mean to disturb you."
"You didn't." Jon lied, "I just... er... are you okay?"
The man nodded again, curly, ginger hair bobbing at the motion. "Yeah, it's, uh..." He took a deep breath, looked at the plaques again, and then looked back at Jon, before he blurted out, "I'm gay."
Whatever Jon had been expecting, it wasn't that. "O... oh." He stammered, "Um. Okay? Congratulations?"
"Yeah, s- so, I just- I just realized that, like, um, recently? And I... I don't know, I've been really struggling with it, I guess? And, uh, these guys," He waved his hand towards the glass, "er, they... helped?"
"The penguins... helped... with your homosexuality." Jon repeated slowly, dumbfounded.
"Yeah, well- um, two of them are gay, too." The man hurried to explain. He pointed at the plaque, "It says they've been a- a pair for several years, doing mating dances and stuff for each other, and recently they've adopted a... a rock."
"A rock."
"They treat it like their egg, I think? They've been taking turns roosting it, even though breeding season is over. There- there's a footnote that says that if any of the other pairs ever reject an egg, the staff plan to give it to the... the gay ones."
"Oh." Jon blinked. It was a touching story, he supposed, and if he wasn't so twisted up and wrung out over Georgie, he might've cried about it, too. "Uh, well, I'm... glad that they... helped?"
The man sniffled again and nodded, before he laughed breathlessly. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump all that on you, I just... uh... it's been... quite a day. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I- I had a fight with my mum, and..." He trailed off, shaking his head, before he wiped his hand on his sweater vest and offered it out, "I'm Martin." He introduced himself.
"Jon." He reached out and shook it, before he added, "I had a fight with my girlfriend today."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"... Have you-?"
"Yeah, on the carousel."
"Right."
"Yeah."
"... Did it help?"
"A bit? I..." Jon sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck, "I... I know what I have to do, but I... I'm not quite ready to talk to her."
Martin nodded in understanding, scrunching up his face in thought. He looked at the penguins again, so Jon did the same, and they watched the flightless birds in silence for a minute or so. Jon spotted what he thought might be "the gay ones," as Martin put it, standing on a rocky ledge together. He couldn't be sure due to the distance, but he thought he saw a round, egg-shaped rock tucked under one of them.
"Do you want to go get ice cream?" Martin asked suddenly.
"What?" Jon looked over at him.
"These guys have the right idea." He motioned to the penguins, "It's hot out, and- well, ice cream and sadness always go together, right? They actually sell quite the variety of flavors at the restaurant here."
Sadness was the name of his carousel horse, Jon recalled, and he found himself laughing before he could stop himself. "Sure, why not? Let's go get some ice cream."