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On the twenty-fourth day of the Great Tree Moon year 1180, a tragedy struck the Officer’s Academy at Garreg Mach. Due to rising concerns about propriety, Seteth had banned the practice of students touching the butts of other students. He called this measure Leaving room for Seiros. While the masses suffered under his tyrannical reign, one girl decided that she would change everything.
And change absolutely everything, she did.
Our story began in our hero’s humble dormitory room, where she sat hunched at her table, writing feverishly at 23 words per minute. Surrounded by piles of dirty laundry, open and unread books, and unorganized sewing projects, her purple hair quite honestly seemed like the sun at the center of her living chaos. When inspired, nothing could stop her — not even the tempting desire to chat with her carnivorous plants at the corner of her unorganized desk space. Her mission was far too important to be bothered with these other things that seemed so trivial at that moment.
She had a story to tell, a message to spread, and she had to finish writing by dinner before yet another night passed with not a single point of fingertip-to-asscheek contact. Already she could feel the pent-up tension gathering within her fellow classmates’ souls. Many sunsets and moonrises had passed since Seteth’s Inquis-asstion, and unable to deliver even the most innocuous, encouraging assclap after a training battle well fought nor this form of subtly suggestive gesture, the students at the Academy were suffering immensely. Taking away their freedom of expression — so to speak — sucked away the core of who everyone was at heart.
Except for, of course, our hero, it seemed.
“Bernie?” she heard just outside of her room.
Yes, dear reader — our hero, if you haven’t already figured it out, was Bernadetta von Varley.
“Will you be coming to the dinner?” Petra asked.
Bernadetta closed the cover of her notebook and slipped it into her uniform hoodie, a nervous — yet determined — grin on her face.
“I’m coming!”
The dining hall was full of activity, likely since they were serving Daphnel Stew for dinner. Everyone was there, grouped with their houses, chatting about upcoming events. This, Bernadetta decided, was her audience.
She would be the liberator of Garreg Mach.
“Um… May I have your attention?” Bernie called, yet no one answered.
“Hello!” This time, she spoke a little louder.
“I have something to share!”
The room fell quiet, and all eyes were on Bernie. She felt nauseous, fearful even, but this was the task she was born to do. And so, Bernadetta began to read.
[put some national anthem here, like something by lil jon
Wait about what “every time we touch by cascade”)..... Wait is that how the artist spelling….. Or is that a dish detergent
To the window
To the wall
To the sweat drop down (sylvain’s) balls)
Everyone sat expectantly, sexually repressed, yet hrony beyond belief. Then she saw Yuri. Gorgeous Yuri LeClerc with his immaculate hair and flawlessly applied eyeshadow and lipgloss. Without an ounce of hesitation, she touched his butt.
Silence waved over the mess hall. There was silence amongst everyone, in absolute disbelief that Bernie, of all people, reclusive, plain Bernie, would dare touch the butt of Yuri LeClerc.
Then Sylvain stood up. “Fuck the rules!” he yelled, and turned around and grabbed both Mercedes’ and Ingrid’s butts and in return, they grabbed each other’s butts in a glorious polytriad love affair.
All hell broke loose then. Claude touched Hilda's butt. Hilda touched Marianne’s butt. Marianne left the Golden Deer table to grab Dimitri's butt — in near-perfect demonstration of cross-ass-pollination if you ask me.
Dimitri then went to his most stalwart friend, the beautiful and very kind Dedue.
“Dedue,” Dimitri sang. “I have been longing to touch your butt ever since we met.”
“Your highness…” Dedue sighed, turning around to display his rear, ripe for the groping. He was stacked like a pancake breakfast, and Dimitri felt his heart sing.
In turn, Dedue grabbed Ashe’s supple bottom. Ashe grabbed Hapi’s, and Hapi gave Balthus’ bum a two-handed, biscuit-making knead.
Then Felix, as weird, cold, and cat-like as he is, touched that ginger-haired girl’s butt, (A/N I don’t know who she is but I think her name is Annette). He didn’t want to admit it but he loved Annette — yes, her silly songs and nonsensical lyrics but most foundationally, her bouncy bottom. Sadly, Felix was a Fraldarius, and as we all know, alliteration is king in literature. Thus, Flat-ass Felix Fraldarius had little in the way for Annette to touch. She instead opted to slap his butt, and the crass ass contact still elicited a soundly satisfying slap.
Much to Bernie’s delight, the Black Eagles house decided that they all had so much affection for each other that everyone was touching each other’s butts. Linhardt and Caspar were taking their friendship to the next level with butt touching. With a severe look on their faces, Edelgard and Ferdinand knew that it was now or never to settle their game of one-up-manship took turns in groping Hubert’s butt increasingly harder to see who could grope it the longest. Unfortunately, he possessed what we refer to in scientific terms as the nega-ass, an ass so flat that it creates a black hole that obliterates everything it touches.
Of note, to this day, we still don’t know what happened to either Edelgard or Ferdinand in light of the nega-ass. What we do know, however, is that Ferdinand still announces that he is, indeed, Ferdinand von Aegir from beyond the void.
Dorothea and Petra were touching each others’ butts too. Petra never thought of herself as bisexual, but having Dorothea a beautiful woman with such feminine wiles, touch her butt made her realise that heteronormative expectations of womanhood were ridiculous and touched Dorothea’s butt back. One of the most beautiful female students in the whole of Garreg Mach was discovering that women’s butts were amazing, with another beautiful student and life was better because of it.
At this point, Seteth began chasing Bernie through the dining hall in an attempt to stop her liberation. After all, what would happen if Flayn wandered into this den of debauchery?
Bernie wove through the student body, grabbing butts as she continued, inspiring more of the repressed students to do the same. With every touch, brightness returned to students’ eyes.
Life was being liberated!
"Stop her!" Seteth howled, and he attempted to block her path.
Before he could cut her off, Professor Byleth, the only member of the faculty who was on the side of the freedom and love and butt-touching, managed to stop Seteth. And she grabbed his butt. It was large and yielding, yet toned from riding his wyvern. Professor Byleth couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing Seteth’s butt was and wondered how marvellous Professor Manuela and Shamir’s butts were.
So she touched their butts, for science, and in conclusion, they were even better than Seteth’s butt.
Manuela overwhelmed with emotion and Franzia wine, reached over to return an affirmatively firm squeeze to Seteth’s ass. She found it pleasing, so she put down her glass and reached over to grope Jeralt’s shapely bum as well. Her eyes wandered over to Hanneman’s unguarded rear but decided against it. He could grab his own damn self. However, Gilbert reached forward and gave his crest-wielding rear a firm honk. Alois enjoyed touching butts but he was also a faithful family man, so he decided not to partake but promised that he would touch his wife’s butt the next time he could.
Then Catherine took Shamir into her strong, lesbian arms and they were both so happy to finally express their love and devotion to each other by squeezing each other's peachy butts. Shamir groped Catherine’s ass so hard, that the blonde went headfirst through the brick of the dining hall wall. She then touched the wall’s butt. It was cold and made of brick, much like what we expect of a brick wall.
Through the chaos, a quiet began to spread at the doors of the dining hall. The crowds parted — something akin to the tales of Saint Indech parting the Brigid Sea — revealing the cruel headmistress, Lady Rhea.
“What is the meaning of this?” she asked, staring down everyone with her frankly terrifying gaze. Dragonic , one might say, in fact.
Of note, our Lady Rhea ironically has the most ass to touch. If her butt had a mind of its own it would quiver under her tight-fitting dress. It too desired to be touched, though no one was brave enough to dare to reach for the most oppressed ass in all of Fódlan.
“I—” Bernadetta grabbed a handful of prime von Nuvelle donk— “am liberating the student body. Seteth’s reign of terror must come to an end!”
Leonie grabbed Lorenz’s butt. It felt like old money. How old? Old as balls. And then Lorenz grabbed Ignatz’s butt, who was busy painting the scene for generations to come to admire. Butt, he wasn’t too busy to reach over and give Raphael’s bubble butt a hearty slap, one that reverberated throughout all of Fódlan.
And reverberate throughout all of Fódlan, that slap did — a melody that withstood time, history, and even the writing of this legend itself.
Simply put, that song slapped.
Fódlan Top 40 Forever.
THE END
The room was silent as Bernadetta finished her erotic friend fiction, so silent that they could hear Lysithea under the table saying “Please let this be over.” over and over again. Everyone was stunned. Flabbergasted, even. Had Bernadetta really just read that in the middle of the crowded dining hall?
“Miss von Varley,” Seteth frowned. “What is the meaning of this?”
“Yeah! I live like right next door. How were you not sure that my name is Annette?” Annette asked.
That was not what Seteth meant.
However, Bernadetta cried and ran out of the dining hall, so she didn’t get detention. Felix was secretly hurt and embarrassed that his lack of ass was brought to the entire academy’s attention. He was hoping that he could get away with it until graduation but no. Sylvain did touch Ingrid’s butt though and she kicked him so hard that Manuela had to spend six hours reconstructing his dick and balls. Manuela was not happy.
On the way back to her dorm room, Bernadetta did run into Hubert. Hubert, the owner of the nega-ass, the right-hand man to Lady Edelgard. She was frightened by him, yet enthralled.
He didn’t acknowledge her, not until they came into touching distance. With her last bit of courage, Bernadetta von Varley, Liberator of all, readied the wind-up.
Smack.
Bernadetta’s hand made contact with the nega-ass, and she was sure that Banshee Theta came straight from his eyes. And so Bernie ran. Bernie ran like the wind.
The Gatekeeper had a lot to report on the next morning.
The End